Staycation

I am now halfway through my 10 day staycation which has so far been met with an abundance of anxiety, lots of tears, restless nights, unrelenting flare-ups and a mind that won’t stop wandering to a very dark place, but, still, I have kept the promise I made to myself before the start of this much needed break that I would not let the stressors in my everyday life deter me from my goal of making time for family, friends, mental wellness, and selfcare. A promise I have kept so far even through the abundance of anxiety, tears, restless nights, unrelenting flare-ups and a mind that won’t stop wandering to a very dark place.

Work has barely entered my mind too. In all reality, in the 10 days I have off, I am only missing 3 work days, and even though I will pay for it upon my return next week, I am allowing myself to take this time off for me. I deserve it.

There has been no real agenda this week except to do a whole lot of nothing. I set no underlying expectations of what I should or shouldn’t be doing with my time off and I’ve made no plans that I felt obligated to follow through on if I just wasn’t up for it, yet I feel guilty when I’m doing nothing, and maybe that’s part of my problem, except I really haven’t been doing nothing. I’ve spent loads of time relaxing with family and friends while indulging in my mental wellness and selfcare.

So I’d say that so far I’ve had some great successes during my staycation afterall, none of which I should have anything to feel guilty about at all because like Oscar Wilde once said, “it’s awfully hard work doing nothing.” 

#staycation #doingnothing #guilt #depression #anxiety #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #family #friends #selfcare #youareenough #hardwork

A Perfect Day For a Check-in

Today feels like a perfect day for a check-in. 


This time of year can be really difficult for so many, especially as we begin to reflect back on our life’s journey over the past year and you are suddenly hit with this overwhelming awareness of knowing just how much has changed since then.


Whether or not you are managing grief of a loved one, feeling lonely, processing heavy emotions, dealing with an illness, not feeling supported, or struggling financially, I’m so proud of you for all you’ve made it through this year. 


Remember to be kind to yourself and others.


Merry Christmas Eve to all who celebrate. 


#reflection #change #difficultyear #soproudofyou #sendinglovetoallofyou #mentalhealth #checkingin #merrychristmaseve #happynewyear #bekindtoyourself #bekindtoothers #sundayselfcare 

Bragging Rights

Every time I achieve a new goal with my blogging, it motivates me to keep writing, to keep sharing, and to keep fighting. 


This week’s goal earned me bragging rights along with a spot in the top 2% of “rising creators” on my Facebook page. 


I somehow earned this title, which is now proudly displayed under my profile picture because of my authenticity in my engagements with my audience, my originality, and genuine integrity. 


Merriam-Webster has chosen “authentic” as 2023’s word of the year. It’s a word I aspire to be when it comes to my writing. More importantly, it’s how I choose to live my life according to my own values, spirit, and goals.


Being your true authentic self is a lifelong process of discovery, which begins with learning to embrace our imperfections. Being truthful and honest with ourselves. It’s living by your own needs and values and not by what others expect of you. It’s realizing your true potential and identifying who you want to be.


It’s a choice we must keep making every moment of every day of our lives. 


It’s what I plan to take with me into the year ahead. 


#braggingrights #authenticity #merriamwebster #wordoftheyear #mentalhealth #trueself #choices #imperfections #discovery #youareworthy #youareenough #values #spirit #integrity #motivation #goals #risingcreators #facebook #writing #blogging 



1 Year In

“I told her once I wasn’t good at anything. She told me survival is a talent.” ~ Susanna Kaysen; Girl, Interrupted


A year ago today, I started my current job, but if you want to get technical, though, I worked for this same organization in the earlier part of the 2000’s; for several years. 


When I first accepted my job offer in December of 2022, to return to a position I actually quite enjoyed some 15 years ago, I was hoping that it would not only lift some of the burden off my family but that it would also maybe help create a positive shift in my life.


I hadn’t held a full-time job for close to nine years, not since I had walked out on my last job on April 4th, 2014. It was the day my journey first began; the day my life as I once knew it changed forever. 


https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2019/04/04/april-4-2014-its-been-five-long-years/ 


I remember how anxious I felt in the days leading up to my first day of work last year. So much had changed since I had last worked here, my health being number one; I wasn’t ready. Imposter syndrome set in.


Depression hijacks your energy, it leaves you with very little motivation, has you believe that you are a failure, and makes it often difficult to complete the simplest of tasks. How was I ever going to do this when I’m constantly battling with my mind every day? 


It’s been a super challenging year for me, and the stress from my job has only added to it, but here I am, one year in, sitting at my desk, smiling through my depression. Somehow I have managed to get up early every morning for the past year in order to make it to work on time, developed many new skills, perfected some old ones, performed tasks that were beyond my realm of expertise, exceeded many goals and made some really awesome new friends who have been really great supports for me along the way.


There have been many, many tears shed and sleepless nights in the last year because of my job, but I survived year one. Being in constant survival mode has honestly become another great talent of mine. And now, how do I plan to celebrate this big accomplishment, you ask? I will be taking next week off in order to rest and regroup before I begin to tackle year 2 in the new year. I think I’ve earned my much needed break, wouldn’t you agree?


#yearone #feelingaccomplished #goals #depression #anxiety #working #depressionintheworkplace #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #workfriends #survival #suicidalideations #youarenotalone #youareworthy #youareenough





Dr. Phil, Oh, How I Love Thee

Just when I thought I couldn’t love Dr. Phil more than I already do, I watched the video he released yesterday, once again, using his platform and voice to support Israel and his Jewish Brothers and Sisters. He then turned the conversation toward some US Universities, condemning them for tolerating the antisemitism and Jewish genocide that continues to be spewed out across their campuses by their Presidents, calling for their immediate dismissals. He ended his video message by lighting candles on a Menorah in honour of the hostages. His message was both meaningful and heartfelt. 

(See video here: The end is certain to bring you to tears: https://www.instagram.com/reel/C0phXLFOXVJ/?igshid=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng)


Many of you reading this may remember that way, way, WAY back in June of 2019, BC (Before Covid), my kids (and Rich) surprised me on my birthday with FRONT ROW seats to an upcoming “Interactive Evening” with the one and only Dr. Phil in Niagara Falls. After the tears, I immediately started counting down the days until his arrival that November, by then with my newly published and signed copy of my children’s book in hand that I was going to personally give to him (I knew the moderator!), but, just 2 weeks before the event, Rich received an email saying that due to a scheduling conflict, it had been postponed until May of 2020. Well, we all know what happened next… 


But, still, I hung onto hope (and our tickets) that the event would be rescheduled one day. That was until several weeks ago when Rich was notified (almost 3 years later) that the event had officially been cancelled. My heart sank, but I also knew deep down that this day would come. It was the thought that counted and boy was this gift beyond thoughtful. 


I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I have no shame in telling you that until Dr. Phil ended his 20 plus years on daytime television last spring, I had my PVR set to tape his show daily and dreamt of meeting him for years, feeling as though if anyone could “fix” me, it’d be him.


I guess, though, as the saying goes; sometimes, things in life just aren’t meant to be. Sometimes, no matter how bad you want something, you just have to try and let it go. But for all you Dr. Phil fans out there, the good news is, he’ll be returning to television in February, 2024, this time in prime time!! My PVR will be set once again, and my dream of meeting him in person will once again be kept alive.


#ilovedrphil #standwithisrael #chanukah #miracles #antisemitism #bringthemhomenow #firethem #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #drphilphanatic #youarenotalone #youareenough #somethingsarentmeanttobe #holdontohope #bestpresent #lovemykids #turndarknessintolight 

Four Years Ago Today…

This will forever be one of the proudest moments in my life.


Being invited to share a stage on a nationally aired live morning television show to discuss my recently published children’s book “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” took a lot of courage and great strength.


It takes hard work for me to recognize my accomplishments, feel empowered or allow my inner-critic to quiet those negative thoughts in my head just long enough to see my self-worth and embrace my vulnerabilities, insecurities and self-doubts.


These are incredibly important skills to acquire. Our efforts should always be acknowledged. Our achievements, no matter how big or small they may seem, should always be celebrated.


I needed this reminder today. To learn to forgive myself more. To recognize my strengths and gifts. To appreciate my abilities and efforts. To know my self-worth. To be more patient with myself. To believe in me like so many others already do. To keep fighting to get better because I am enough.


#wheredidmommyssmilego #childrensbook #morningshow #author #blogger #mentalhealth #depression #mentalwellness #panelist #parentingplaybook #endthestigmatogether #forgiveness #celebratethewins #youarenotalone #youareenough #startaconversation #strengths #selfworth #innercritic #empowering 




It Turned Out That He Was Right

Yesterday, I posted a blog as I headed downtown to an appointment. I mentioned in the blog how I’d been hanging onto hope for the better part of 2 months now since I had received confirmation of the appointment and how my Psychiatrist had later told me that he had a good feeling that this specialist was actually up for the challenge, unlike so many I’d seen before (in case you missed it: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2023/12/06/hanging-onto-hope/).  


It turned out that he was right.


Rich drove me to my appointment and stayed with me throughout. We first met with the assistant to the doctor who gathered relevant information and part of my history as to what led me to them. Once we were finished, he consulted with the doctor before she came to see me…with a plan.


She was very kind and patient. The first thing she said to me was how sorry she was that I am dealing with this horrible disorder and straight up said PGAD sucks, it’s extremely isolating and that as I already know, there is no cure for it but was happy I came to see her and that she is wanting to work with me to try and find solutions for at least some temporary relief. 


The biggest obstacle we encountered yesterday while going through a treatment plan was that the most beneficial treatments she suggested cost ALOT of money, and we now have the fun task of seeing what our insurance company will cover.


We will have a follow-up appointment in January, either in person, if our insurance will cover at least one, if not both of her recommendations. If not, our appointment will be virtual to try and come up with more solutions. 


Tonight, as many of us light the first candle for the start of the Jewish holiday Chanukah, I ask that you please keep me in your prayers as I desperately need a Chanukah miracle. Also, remember to let the illumination of light rekindle a sparkle of hope and unity in each and every one of us around the world because that is truly what matters this holiday season. Let it bring with it a new and brighter light to guide us toward the year ahead.


Thank you once again for all your kindness and support along my journey. It is beyond appreciated. 


#followup #treatmentplan #mentalhealth #wellbeing #pgad #depression #treatmentresistantdepression #chanukah #Hanukkah #thankyou #support #miracles #prayers #brightlight #holidayseason #myjourney #blogger #youarenotalone #youaeenough #youareworthy #kindness #specialists #Psychiatrist #hangingontohope 

Hanging Onto Hope



*Trigger Warning ⚠️: Discusses M.A.I.D, Suicidal Ideations 


I have an appointment scheduled this afternoon at a downtown hospital with another specialist. I’m heading there now.


It’s not with a specialist who actually deals with my current condition persay, as no one seems to, but she is one of very few doctors who have agreed to meet with me in person because the treatments she performs regularly on her patients may be of service to me. My Psychiatrist felt certain that she was up for the challenge.


Since booking this appointment more than 2 months ago now I’ve hung on to a bit of hope hearing my Psychiatrist speak those words to me, leaving me feeling like this appointment could be the one! 


Last week I was contacted out of the blue by a physician from the M.A.I.D (Medical Assistance in Dying) team. Since my last consultation with them several months ago, I have tried to put the idea out of my mind while I desperately continue to seek other options.


He was very respectful as I shared my story once again. He listened, took lots of notes, asked lots of questions and told me that there is no doubt in his mind that I have been living with “profound suffering” for close to 10 years now. He echoed the words of the last team member I spoke with who had told me, that although I do meet many of the criteria for M.A.I.D under its current laws, especially with all my added neurological issues I’ve been dealing with for the better part of 20 months now, I would need to be re-evaluated again in the spring when the new legislation hopefully comes into place. I already knew this from my last consultation though.


Before we wrapped up our conversation, the doctor asked me one final question which I haven’t been able to stop thinking about. There were many obvious reasons why he needed to ask it as part of his evaluation. He proceeded to say, “If I was given $500,000 tomorrow would I still want to die?”


I answered without hesitation but with a lump in my throat. I continue to live with guilt every single day that I have ruined everything and that I am a burden to my loved ones. To me, that money would be able to ease my feeling of guilt and help my family move forward without me. The truth is, did all the money in the world help Robin or Kate or Naomi or Anthony or Twitch and many more celebrities to not take their life? 

Depression is not a choice or a lifestyle, it’s an illness.


Today I will keep hope alive, continue to remind myself that no matter how hard things are right now or no matter how stuck I feel, I have no other choice but to keep fighting as I enter into my appointment.


#maid #suicidalideations #anotherspecialist #keephopealive #neurological #depression #treatmentresistantdepression #pgad #illness #hangingontohope #appointment #psychiatry #youareworthy #youarenotalone #youareenough #triggerwarning 

9-8-8 Now in Canada

11 months ago, the United States Government officially launched a new program to help prevent suicide. 


Today, as of 9am this morning, the Canadian Government was finally able to go live with the same initiative after working out all of its telecommunication kinks and funding issues over the past year. This program now gives all Canadians the same access to suicide prevention services and will be available 24 hours a day, 7 days per week, free of charge anywhere in Canada by simply dialing or texting the numbers 9-8-8.


Anyone who has ever experienced a mental health crisis or contemplated suicide knows that time is of the essence and reaching out to crisis helplines has proven to be a valuable way to help prevent suicide in real-time. 


When someone dials or texts 9-8-8, a trained responder will “take a non-judgmental approach to discussing whether there’s a plan, associated mental health issues, use of substances, protective factors and strengths, supports and coping strategies.” Their main focus will then shift to collaborate on a safety plan with the caller by connecting them with local counsellors and other mental health supports.


Only having to dial (or text) 3 digits when in crisis as opposed to having to remember a 10 digit long, 1-800 number can be lifesaving to someone in need of immediate aid or intervention. 


There are 39 partner organizations (including Kids Help Phone) taking part in this program, all of whom have come together to pool their resources and make sure that anyone who dials 9-8-8 has immediate crisis access. A special thank you to one of its key sponsors, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) for providing the program with 150 million dollars in funding.


Please share. It could save a life.


#988lifeline #helpline #crisis #suicideprevention #itsoktoaskforhelp #mentalhealth #savelives #resources #youarenotalone #youareenough #thereishope #camh #KidsHelpPhone