I’m NOT Okay. 

And I’ve come to an understanding this week that I’m NOT enough and never will be, which is why I am taking a break from my blog/writing/feeds for now for the sake of my mental health. I need to somehow figure out how I will ever, or if I will ever be able to come back from the overwhelming feelings of grief, betrayal, and triggers in my life. So much of my childhood trauma has resurfaced. The same trauma that has kept me in this never-ending loop of depression, anxiety and suicidal ideations for nearly 10 years now. It never truly goes away. I thought I was stronger than it, but clearly I’m not. I thought I had it under control, but clearly, I don’t. 

I wish I could be more. I wish I was more than enough. It’s an unbearable weight to carry.

Today is “Random Acts of Kindness Day”, so before I go, I have one simple favour to ask; be the reason someone smiles today. Every act of kindness, whether big or small can brighten another person’s day and can mean the world to someone at just the right moment in time. 

Xoxo

#suicideawareness #mentalhealth #depression #triggers #trauma #takingabreak #bethereasonsomeonesmilestoday  #randomactsofkindnessday #itsoktonotbeok #itsoktoaskforhelp #imnotok #youarenotalone 

He sees me for more than just what my illness has taken from me. He still loves me despite my flaws. He embraces me when I’m feeling anxious. He holds my hand when I am scared. He makes me laugh when I am sad. He reminds me of my worth. He listens to me when I’m feeling alone. He walks beside me when I lose my way.

I am truly blessed that he is mine; My funny Valentine.

Love, I mean real love, is unconditional. Real love is a choice. Real love takes work. Real love means trusting one another, communication, appreciation and mutual respect. Real love is never perfect. Sometimes you go through hard times together, maybe you weather some storms and disappointments along the way as well but I promise you that if you can get through the hard times, the storms and the disappointments together you will truly know what real love is.

Happy Valentine’s Day ❤

#myvalentine #bemine #happyvalentinesday #mybeloved #iloveyoutothemoonandback #foreverandaday #blessed #funnylittlevalentine #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #weatherthestorm #reallove

Today is Superbowl Sunday. 


I could care less. 


I could also care less that Taylor Swift flew all the way across the world yesterday just so she could be at the Superbowl game tonight. 


But what I do care about and am a huge fan of is bearing witness to loving, mutually respectful, happy relationships and people who show up for love. 


Something we do not see nearly enough of these days.


Since the start of Taylor and Travis’s relationship all I have seen are the haters who continue to bash two fellow human beings simply for loving one another and cheering each other on in their life and their wins.


What happened to a world where teaching our young boys to respect women was a thing or empowering our young girls to be fierce and fearless were too?


Haters are gonna hate and maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic (it also happens to be love week ya know), but I truly believe that if they can stop the haters from getting in between them, I think that the odds will be in their favour that they can make this relationship last. 


So tonight, the only team I will be rooting for to win, both on and off the field, is “Team Love”.


#teamlove #taylorandtravis #superbowl #swiftie #showupforlove #football #musicicon #hopelessromantic #hatersgonnahate #relationships #love #mutualrespect #fearless #theodds #mentalhealth #bemyvalentine

I needed to find a way to get out of my head today. It was a really tough week for me. I started on a downward spiral last Sunday, and by the end of the week, I was left feeling an overwhelming sense of despair (see blog from yesterday).


Even though we are having spring-like temperatures in February (which I’m not complaining about), our #summerofrich hikes have needed to be put on hold for the time being as Rich is dealing with a hernia that will not be removed until April. 


So, instead, I decided to go swimming at my mother in law’s condo pool today.


Like hiking, swimming brings me joy. 


The pool was the perfect temperature and a perfect distraction.  


For one full hour, I found myself lost in the moment and feeling good.


#swimming #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #physical #emotional #breakdown #hiking #feelslikespring #perfectdistraction 

The last flame of hope I’d been clinging to for the past couple of months burned out last night. 

The claim to our insurance company for a treatment I’d been anxiously awaiting and could not afford otherwise was denied yesterday. Their letter was vague, siting a whole bunch of scientific gibberish and asking for additional medical information to be considered moving forward. 

(I won’t bore you with all the details again, but in case you missed what I’m referring to from a few weeks ago, here are the blogs I wrote;

Just needed to vent today…

https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2024/01/23/once-again/)

This has hit me REALLY hard. Harder than every other roadblock before. I cried a whole lot last night. I was angry and frustrated and confused as to what went wrong. The specialist had assured me over the phone that she saw no reason for me not to be approved by insurance. I never saw the actual submission, though, but had no reason not to trust her, even after chasing her down for seven weeks just to fill it out. 

Last night, I took a closer look at the form she had filled out. My anger, frustration, and confusion only escalated further. Everything we had spoken about had been scratched out and changed to something completely different. It looked so unprofessional, and almost like a child had scribbled on a piece of paper. Maybe instead of scratching everything out, she could’ve taken an extra few minutes to start a fresh form, a form I had chased her down for seven weeks to write.

Hope is a belief that there is a possibility of positive outcomes. In the absence of hope, our feelings can turn to despair, helplessness, and an unexplainable emptiness.

That’s where I’m at today. I feel like I have no hope left to cling to or any chance of finding some relief from my neurological damage after witnessing that last flame of hope burn out last night. 

#lastflame #feelingdefeated #hopeless #clingingtohope #neurologicaldamage #mentalhealth #youarenotalone #youareenough #helpless  #unexplainableemptiness #treatmentresistant

I received this message in the wee hours of the morning from an old friend.

I’m not calling them old per se, I’m just saying that they are an old friend from high school!

I spiraled yesterday to a very dark place.

I felt defeated.

It came on fast and furious.

Reading this message really helped.

But like they pointed out, I don’t need approval from anyone, none of us do.

However, it sure doesn’t hurt because I can tell you that there is no better feeling in the world than knowing you have so much love and support in your life to keep you fighting.

#mondaymotivation #support #kindness #mentalhealth #keepfighting #wellbeing #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #youarenotalone

Yesterday was filled with such a mix of emotions. Regret and self-doubt swirled around in the pit of my stomach all morning as I prepared myself to leave for my Boudoir photoshoot. I’d also woken up at 4 am. with a horrible headache that didn’t seem to want to go away either. 


I was teetering on the edge, and I knew that one wrong step would send me flying right over that edge. Thoughts of canceling consumed me all week long, to be honest. What was I thinking? I can’t do this? I’m definitely not worthy of being a part of their 50’s & Fabulous collection. 


But as soon as I walked through the doors of that studio, I was made to feel as though I was unstoppable. From the manager who greeted me with so much enthusiasm and excitement for me, right down to the photographer herself, whose encouragement and direction made me feel confident and beautiful.


The photoshoot itself flew by. I let my guard down the entire time and allowed myself to feel vulnerable both in front of and behind the camera. For a brief moment, I was focused. I felt free. My body was not something I feared. I was unapologetically me and embraced my imperfections; scars, stretch marks, and all. 


Self-love is a lifelong journey. It’s about embracing your vulnerabilities, loving yourself unconditionally, and honouring the person that you are, as you are. I know I need a lot more practice before I can truly even begin to conquer it. I know I need to start by showing myself more moments of grace in my everyday life, like I did yesterday, and not just once in a while. 


A week from tomorrow, I have another appointment at the studio for my big photo reveal where I will get to sit down and view the entire collection of proofs taken of me during my session yesterday. The photographer did show me a sneak peak of some pictures in real time as she was taking them. I tried to look away, though, in order for me to stay focused and continue to be in the moment. 


As part of my gift, I have a $750 credit towards an album. I am already feeling very anxious about seeing the proofs and finished product (which will likely take approximately 3 months to get). That journey towards loving myself wholeheartedly feels so far out of reach today. 


But, I will continue to hold on tightly to the memories of yesterday and filled with pride for even allowing myself to have this amazing experience. 


#boudoir #art #photography #photoshoot #mentalhealth #selflove #journey #anxiety #depression #experience #selfdoubt #vulnerabilities #selfdiscovery #fiftysandfabulous #confidence #beauty #unapologeticallyme #imperfections #unconditionallove

I’m getting my glam on for my Boudoir photoshoot this afternoon, which I was gifted several weeks back as part of their 50’s & Fabulous collection. 


I’m feeling super anxious right now, yet kinda excited, too. I’ve never done anything like this before. This is way beyond my comfort zone. 


Today is about so much more than having my picture taken, though. 


Today is about the overall experience and the opportunity to be pampered. 


Today is about feeling confident and strong and beautiful. 


Today is about reconnection, fostering self-love, body positivity, and embracing my inner goddess. 


Today is about being in the moment. 


Today is about focusing on my creative spirit, having fun, and feeling free.


Today is about silencing those negative inner voices and celebrating my journey and all its scars, every last one of them. 


Today is about knowing that I am enough. I am worthy. I am a warrior. 


In other words, today is all about the feeling of empowerment.


#boudoir #photoshoot #empowerment #warrior #experience #iamenough #journey #mentalhealth #warrior #creativespirit #pampered #reconnection #selflove #innergoddess #bodypositivity #glam #hairandmakeup #beinginthemoment #fablestudios

Just when I thought I couldn’t love Elmo any more than I already do. He then went and sent out a message to his hundreds of thousands of Sesame Street friends on his social media pages a few days ago, which has since gone viral. 


His message was simple yet powerful, asking his friends how they were doing, and boy was he ever happy he did given the response. And so am I.


Many people took advantage of his kindness by getting real. They let Elmo know they were not feeling so tickled with life at the moment, many more thanking him for giving them a safe space to feel as though someone is listening.


We all need to be more like Elmo and check in on our friends and loved ones regularly. We need to be there for one another and ensure that everyone in our lives know that they are not alone and that it’s ok to ask for help. 


We need to start hard conversations. 


Thank you, Elmo, for this gentle reminder to everyone on how imperative it is for our mental wellbeing to take a pause sometimes and to be mindful of our feelings. 


I would love for everyone reading this to check in with a friend or loved one this weekend, and while you’re at it, remember to take a pause yourself and be mindful of your own feelings too. 


Xoxo


Shabbat Shalom 


#elmo #elmosworld #checkingin #takeapause #bemindfulofyourfeelings #mentalhealth #wellbeing #itsoktoaskforhelp #itsoktonotbeok #friends #lovedones  #startaconversation #sesamestreet #youarenotalone #youareenough #gentlereminder

A few weeks ago, I shared a blog (https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2024/01/11/boudoir-luxury-giveaway/)

where I spoke about how, after losing both a significant and necessary amount of weight over the past 6 months (which started from a diagnosis of a stress ulcer), has now left me indulging again in many of those same dangerous tendencies I’ve battled with on and off since I first developed an eating disorder when I was 18 years old.


Most people go through life taking very little notice of their thought processes. I, however, am not most people, though.


Yesterday, it was one of my work bestie’s birthdays. My boss decided we should surprise her with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a cake, but not just any cake. A vanilla cake from Loblaws. The.Best.Cake.Ever.


We lit candles, sang happy birthday, and celebrated her. And boy, does she deserve celebrating. It was a nice distraction from the everyday grind for everyone, everyone but me that is, because all I began to focus on as this delicious cake stared me in the face was now I was going to have to eat it. 


Everyone happily took a slice as I stared at the cake in fear. I felt pressure to have a piece as my mind started to spiral. I couldn’t eat it, I won’t eat it. Well, maybe if I just have a small piece, I just won’t eat supper tonight was my negotiation and thought process in the moment. That would be ok, right? So I gave into the pressure and cut myself a piece of cake. 


After I ate it, the guilt got the best of me, and without any warning, I went into a full-blown panic attack. I convinced myself I was dying. My heart was pounding uncontrollably. I thought I was having a heart attack or possibly going into a diabetic coma (I don’t even have diabetes). I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt numb. I was shaking and extremely nauseous. My neurological symptoms flared up from head to toe. I wanted to run and hide as I did everything in my power to hold back tears. 


My boss and the rest of my coworkers saw what was happening as much as I tried to hide it. I tried to fluff it off, but I literally couldn’t catch my breath. I was so embarrassed. I couldn’t get a grip on reality. They poured me some water before demanding I go home. But only after I promised I could actually drive.


Our minds truly are powerful tools and simply put, I guess maybe I can’t actually have my cake and eat it too. 


#eatcake #birthdaycake #loblawscakesarethebest #panicattack #anxiety #eatingdisorders #mentalhealth #coworkers #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #ourmindsareapowerfultool