YouAreEnough

I’ve tumbled down a deep, dark rabbit hole this week. 


It’s not just one thing that has triggered me.  


It’s been many. 


Now, if I can just find the strength to dig my way back out. 


“The girl you once were, heal for her.

The woman you are now, protect her.

The queen you were created to be, fight for her.” 

~ Author and Advocate, Morgan Richard Olivier


#rabbithole #triggers #strength #mentalhealth #wellness #advocate #blogger #queen #youarenotalone #youareworthy #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok 

I had a dream recently that I’d won a very (very) large sum of money. I had that same recurring dream again last night. It was a welcomed distraction from many of the more disturbing dreams I normally have. Hey, if I have to dream at all, I might as well dream big, right? 

Both times, I was able to recall many vivid details of these dreams the next morning. But both times, these same dreams also sparked a very strong emotional response, too. 

Dreams can have many different interpretations and are often shaped by our thoughts and emotions, dreams of winning a lot of money included. But I didn’t realize just how many different interpretations there actually were until I decided to do some more research on the psychology behind my dreams. What I found out in doing so could have just as much to do with my own personal growth, progress and financial stability as it does with how overwhelmed I am feeling lately at home and how completely undervalued I am feeling at my place of work. I feel trapped, and maybe my dreaming of winning that lottery is me subconsciously planning my great escape. 

Then reality set in. I know in my heart that the one thing all the money in the world can’t buy me is happiness, even if we are programmed to believe this to be true, but no matter what you may have on the outside; a big house, an expensive car or a wardrobe filled with designer labels, it can never sustain your peace and happiness. 

I’m not saying that having money can’t help improve your lifestyle, relieve some of your stressors or lift a heavy weight off your shoulders, I’m just reminding you that it can’t guarantee your happiness or cure depression and anxiety. Just look at the many celebrities who have opened up about their own personal mental health struggles, or those who sadly suffered in silence, which ultimately led them to take their own lives. If past traumas, environmental and biological factors, or negative life experiences are causing a decline in your mental health, those feelings will stay within you until they are properly treated. No amount of money can fix them.

So, as I continue to dream of winning that lottery in the hopes of, at the very least, relieving some of the many stressors in my life, I will continue to prioritize what’s most important; my loved ones and my self-care. Yesterday, I spent time with my loved ones, and today, I focused on my self-care by doing laps for an hour in the pool at my mother in law’s condo, followed by a relaxing sauna. 

This was my windfall.

#lottery #dreams #moneycantbuyhappiness #selfcare #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youarenotalone #peace #psychology #youareenough #swimming #sauna #lovedones #emotionalresponse #thoughtsandemotions #dreaminterpretations #personalgrowth 

A few nights ago, I received a message from a woman. We don’t know each other, but we sure have a lot in common, including being part of the same community. She told me in her original message that someone had shared my blog with her and that she empathized with so much of my pain reading it. She also let me know that she, too, had participated in the same clinical research trial that I did and is now suffering with many adverse effects from it as well. I was intrigued and in a bit of shock. 


After messaging back and forth for a while that evening, we decided it was probably easier to chat over the phone, so she called me. We shared our stories on a much deeper and more intimate level and compared notes about our individual experiences during our time in the trial. We discussed the intensity of our “trips”, the disturbing music we were forced to listen to for the duration of our “trips” and the insignificant therapeutic support and guidance we received both during the treatment and within the months following. Our conversation lasted until sometime after one in the morning that same night. I probably could’ve stayed on with her for hours more, even if I hate talking on the phone. I just felt this indescribable connection to her, which, after hanging up the phone, eventually led me to tears.


Friday afternoon, I received an email from another woman who was also recently sent the link to my blog site as well from a friend of hers who had discovered it. She hadn’t participated in the same clinical trial as me but had instead participated in another psychedelic study 4 or 5 years ago. My story resonated with her, too. 


All 3 of us, vulnerable and beyond “desperate for some kind of relief”, along with promises that this could be our “miracle cure” is what led us to trying psychedelics for research purposes, naive to the potential life-altering “impairments” these experiments could have on us. It is an inconceivable bond we all now share.


Since participating in the Psilocybin clinical trial, I have felt very much alone in this particular part of my journey as there are not many people who can truly relate to what I am going through. Then, after reading the published report from the results of the study a few weeks ago when it was sent to me by a reporter asking if I felt like I’d been adequately represented in the results (in case you missed it: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2024/03/03/clinical-trial-published/), I spiraled. I became enraged and overcome by the most intense feelings of defeat, regret, and hopelessness. Mostly, though, I felt completely lost and alone. 


My life has been a living hell for almost two years now (well 10 actually, but 2 for this purpose only) but at the very least, I am slowly learning to accept the fact that the unrelenting, often debilitating and unbearable neurological damage I’ve endured from the trial has likely become a permanent part of my being.


However, hearing from others over the past many weeks who have endured similar consequences from psychedelic trials as well as several researchers and reporters who have also reached out to me and spend their time researching and writing articles on “the challenging effects of psychedelics and the safety, misinformation and ethics behind these trials”, I am suddenly not feeling so alone anymore. I am almost elated to know that I am not the only one, that it’s not all in my head, and that there are people speaking out to make others aware that the reports published on many of these studies are not showing the entire picture or truths. Not everyone is being “adequately represented” in these studies. 


I am also beyond grateful that my platform has brought some of us together. I don’t think I quite understood until now the depths of my authenticity and just how far-reaching it truly is.


#psychedelics #connections #bond #clinicaltrial #results #psilocybin #treatmentresistantdepression #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #ethics #blogger #writer #youarenotalone #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #research #neurologicaldamage #pgad #brainzaps #tremors #numbness #tingling #aversiontonoise #aversiontotouch 

When I come face to face with myself in the mirror, I feel inadequate and unlovable.

Today, while at work, I began to feel an intensity of emotions all at once.

I needed to somehow escape my inner critic, so I made a quick beeline for the washroom where I found myself being confronted by my own reflection.

I didn’t run, though.

I stood there for a moment, desperately trying to ground myself.

I looked into my own eyes with the utmost of compassion and kindness, and instead of telling myself that I am inadequate and unlovable, I found the courage to softly mouth the words, I am worthy, and I am enough to the image staring back at me in the mirror.

#mentalhealth #mentalwellness #mirrorimage #reflection #compassion #kindness #iamworthy #iamenough #innercritic #emotions #itsoktonotbeok

I’m struggling a lot right now.

I feel like I’m barely functioning.

All my senses are heightened, and I’m finding it harder and harder to hold on.

The weight of each added stressor and the weight of my emotional and physical pain I’m in just feel too much.

They keep piling one on top of the other day by day, and my shoulders can no longer handle the weight.

They feel broken.

I feel broken.

It feels like a losing battle.

I am so desperate to find some kind of resolution to my living nightmare.

I am hoping I can begin to learn some new tools of how to protect my peace and walk through my pain as I delve into the pages of my new book, which was written by the inspiring and motivational author, Trent Skelton, who has been rated the number one mindset and self-worth mentor in the world.

#itsastart #protectyourpeace #tools #struggling #anxiety #depression #suicidalideations #weightedshoulders #stressors #newbook #trentskeleton #motivationalspeaker #youarenotalone #mentor #selfworth #mindset #youareenough

After a really long day, aqua therapy (which I have started doing quite regularly now) was the perfect way to help me to relieve some of the stressors from my day today and calm both my body and mind down a notch or two before bed tonight.

#aquatherapy #tension #stressors #calm #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #bodyandmind #youareenough #selfcare #sleep #anxiety #depression

I wrote this poem a few years ago. I came across it again today. It hit me really hard as I read it over tonight. I felt a need to share it with you again today after learning earlier this evening about a young man who took his own life today. He may have been a reality tv personality to millions of viewers, on one of my many favorite reality shows I watch religiously, but more importantly, to some, he was an adored brother, a friend and a dear son. I’m struggling a lot myself with those same thoughts and feelings. The struggle with suicidal ideations is very real and cruel and can be unrelenting at times. It’s an unbearable weight to carry sometimes. I know that for many who have never been that close to the edge before, it can be difficult to understand. I just ask that we try not to judge others, no matter what. I am truly heartbroken tonight for his family and loved ones and adoring fans he has left behind. As I settle in for the night I will turn my focus in on the very last verse of my poem, the verse that reminds me to keep fighting this evil disease for those who simply couldn’t anymore. 


*Please remember to reach out if you are struggling. You are not alone.


I WANT TO LIVE, BUT I WANT TO DIE

I want to live, but I want to die
It’s an endless struggle, I can not lie.

I want to live, but I want to die
My heart is heavy, there’s no denying.

I want to live, but I want to die
I find some comfort when I can cry.

I want to live, but I want to die
I dream of ways I’d say goodbye.

I want to live, but I want to die
My feelings are valid and justified.

I want to live, but I want to die
Will I ever become that butterfly?

I want to live, but I want to die
I feel so confused and terrified.

I want to live, but I want to die
So I need to ask the question why?

I want to live, but I want to die
It’s so hard some days to even try.

I want to live, but I want to die
I wish the two would see eye to eye.

I want to die, but I want to live
To show my illness what more I have left to give.


#youareenough #poem #iwanttolive #iwanttodie #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #depression #youarenotalone #askforhelp #itsoktonotbeokay #ripgarrison #sisterwives

*potential triggers ⚠️*

It’s been a very trying and painful few weeks for me on so many levels. It’s making it quite difficult to focus on much of anything these days, including my writing. Lots and lots of trauma responses and triggers happening pretty much daily right now, one in particular started with a seemingly innocent email I received a couple of weeks ago that sent me spiraling even further. A hard and very honest conversation followed with my Psychiatrist. 

The email was sent to me by a random stranger who had found a particular blog of mine online that I’d written last fall. Over the years since I started my Blog, I have received numerous emails from random strangers who happen upon it and reach out to tell me just how much they appreciate my honesty or how something I’d written had really resonated with them, or how deeply connected they felt towards me. It means the world to me every time I share my story, knowing I have helped even one person feel less alone. This stranger, though, had somewhat of a different agenda. I appreciated his intentions, but I never realized at first glance how much it would trigger my symptoms of PTSD.

His email began with, “Dear Kim, I came across your article, ‘A Win Is A Win’, which was a very difficult read. I do hope your symptoms have improved since you wrote that piece.” He then proceeded to introduce himself and his reason for writing me. 

He told me that he is the Founder of a news outlet where he covers “the latest developments in psychedelic research and drug development” and then asked if I had participated in the clinical research trial that had just been published earlier that week. He attached the publication for me as reference. When I opened the link and began reading it, I knew immediately that it was in fact the findings from the trial I took part in 23 months and 1 day ago (but who’s counting) as the first thing I noticed was my Psychiatrist’s name at the top of the document, given that he was one of the lead researchers on the study. I hadn’t spoken to my Psychiatrist in a few weeks and had no clue that the study had concluded or that the findings had been published yet.

The stranger wanted to know if, after reading through the report thoroughly, I felt that the symptoms I have endured since that day had been “adequately represented” in the publication. He then wanted to know if I’d be willing to share my experiences with him further, including any updates as well.

I knew I had an upcoming appointment with my Psychiatrist in a few days and needed to discuss this all with him first, for many reasons.

He understood completely.

My mind became consumed for the next few days leading up to my appointment with my Psychiatrist because to answer the question, “do I feel as though the symptoms I experienced and continue to live with every day since, had been adequately represented in the publication?”, the short answer is an overwhelming NO!!

Although much of the report was written in scientific jargon and with charts I couldn’t quite comprehend or read, there was plenty I could understand. And when I finally got to share with my Psychiatrist that I had received a copy of the publication from this random stranger, we discussed it in great length and detail together. As I stated earlier, it was a hard, but very honest conversation, for the both of us. He completely understood how I felt my experience was not adequately represented in the publication and that my symptoms were very much glossed over. He let me know that the drug manufacturer had actually reached out to him directly at some point to specifically discuss my case when they read about my symptoms, and were obviously most intrigued to learn about my PGAD diagnosis, but that the “Ethics Board” did not approve any further discussion of my case, other than a basic one line, in order to try and protect me (it’s completely anonymous 🤔). **My participation in the trial lasted 6 months from treatment day, with follow up appointments every 2 weeks. 

During our conversation, I once again reiterated to my Psychiatrist how I have never, ever placed any blame on him whatsoever for what has happened to me. It was my decision, and my decision alone to take part in the trial,  but for the first time in almost 2 years, I told him that I do place blame with the two doctors who sat by watching me convulsing on a couch beside them for close to 6 hours straight and not once did either of them try to intervene or help me. By the time I finally came “down”, they jokingly stated afterwards “wow, that was quite a trip you had”. It is probably safe to say now, 23 months and 1 day later, that the damage that was done to me that day, the neurological damage done to my body that day is something I am slowly coming to terms with that I will have to live with for the rest of my days. 

I know I probably sound like a broken record by now but the constant, unrelenting and unbearable tingling in my hands and feet, numbness and shakiness, brain zaps galore, very obvious tremors throughout my entire body, all day, a deep aversion to noise, a sensitivity to touch and of course the worst symptom of all; PGAD (in case you missed it: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2022/09/20/tmi/) have all led to a further decline in my mental health since last year and the reason I began the process of M.A.I.D, which now seems like another dead end (excuse the pun) for me.

I have so many regrets in my life, but I told my Psychiatrist during our appointment that my decision to participate in a study that was intended to give me a glimmer of hope at the time, has now become my biggest regret above all. He completely understood why and then looked at me straight in my eyes (over Zoom) and said to me, I too have so much regret for having you participate in the study. His words may not change what has happened to me, but feeling validated sure helped.

Before our meeting ended, he also gave me his blessing to go ahead and talk with the stranger more in depth, if I so choose to. He cautioned me though that he doesn’t want me to be exploited or get hurt or taken advantage of as he has seen others go through with media. I haven’t really decided one way or another yet, but I think if the stranger happens upon this article, like he did with the other one, it probably will give him most of the answers he’s looking for anyways.

#publishedreport #clinicaltrial #Psilocybin #regrets #mentalhealth #treatmentresistantdepression #anxiety #ptsd #youarenotalone #media #platform #trauma #triggers #medicalassistanceindying #validation #youareenough 

Today is Pink Shirt Day.

The Pink Shirt Movement originally started after 2 young teenage boys decided to take a stand against bullying after one of their male classmates was bullied for wearing a pink shirt to school. Since its inception in 2007, it is now proudly recognized across the Globe on the last Wednesday in February.

Today is a perfect reminder to all of us that we need to continue to raise awareness about bullying, to encourage a healthy self-worth, to practice empathy and compassion, and to always, always, choose kindness.

Who’s wearing their pink shirt today?

#pinkshirtday #antibullyingcampaign #choosekindness #empathy #compassion #bealeader #checkonyourlovedones #mentalhealth #selfworth #whoswearingpink

Before I begin, I did want to first start by saying a huge, heartfelt thank you for all the beautiful messages of support I’ve received and continue to daily, both on and offline, after my last post where I let you know that I needed to take a bit of a break from my blogging and social media platforms for my mental health. I have read every last word written and spoken in private with so many special friends and acquaintances alike. It’s meant the world to me. 


I’ve spent the past week trying to fill my own cup. I’m not sure it’s been all that successful, though. My heart is tired. 


I’ve needed this time away to try and collect my thoughts and emotions while dealing with so many really big feelings all at once. My mind feels like it’s on an endless loop of hopelessness, trapped by all these negative thoughts and emotions. The best way to describe how I am feeling right now is likened to that of a prisoner, yet I’m the prisoner of my own mind.


The truth is, though, I miss writing, even if there are days where I put a lot of undue pressure on myself while doing so and on other days where the words just can’t come out. But I also know that every time I share my story, I take the hand of someone else along with me who thought that they were the only one going through something alone. 


That is what inspires me most to keep writing. 


Both my therapist and psychiatrist had been very helpful this past week as I desperately tried to sort through so many really big feelings all at once right now. With their help, I’m trying to become more aware of my endless list of triggers I have by challenging my negative beliefs circling my mind. I’m learning ways to stop replaying my past traumas over and over again in order to help me cope with my everyday challenges better. I’m still a work in progress. I still yearn to feel like I am worthy or enough; I still yearn to squash the self-doubt, and I still yearn to one day find purpose to go on living. I do know, though, that in the end, I am truly the only one who holds the key to unlock my imprisoned mind and be able to break free from the prison guards standing in my way.


“Write hard and clear about what hurts”~Ernest Hemingway 


#prisonerofmyownmind #triggers #trauma #imprisonedmind #thankyou #kindnessisfree #depression #anxiety #suicidality #youarenotalone #youareenough #startaconversation #writing #blogger #journaling #selfcare #selfdoubt #workinprogress #therapy