The last seven birthdays he has celebrated have been spent loving someone battling with Depression. One such birthday several years ago he even had to go so far as to ask my Doctor for special permission in order to sign me out of the hospital for a couple of hours so that we could go for a quick dinner nearby to celebrate.
Loving someone with Depression is NOT easy. Being a caregiver to someone with Depression is NOT fun. You want so desperately to try and fix them, but you can’t. You feel helpless in everything you do and just pray that your words, your kind gestures or maybe even your hugs will be enough to make everything better, but it won’t.
Nothing they do seems to make a difference. Their words, their kind gestures and even their warm hugs only go so far when someone is battling a debilitating illness such as Depression.
Depression changes everything, including relationships. It builds walls around people and between them too. Rich has probably heard it all by now from outsiders looking in over the past seven years. Everything from “Man, I don’t know how you do it!”, to “You must be a real Saint!”, to my most favourite one of all, “Are you gonna leave her?”
Yup I’ve been a burden for the last seven plus years and that’s my honest truth. I am continually apologizing to Rich for being such a burden to him and our family and I probably tell him at least ten times a week how much better off he would be if I was “gone”.
He doesn’t see it that way though and just tries his best to always listen to me.
It’s not easy, nor fun.
Loving someone with Depression takes great strength. It means constantly having to listen or bare witness to many shocking and very upsetting things that they may say or do.
But still, Rich lets me talk.
He’s not perfect, but who is? He’s made mistakes along the way, he feels rejected at times and he gets frustrated and angry at other times but he acknowledges my pain, he validates it and although he may not always understand it, it’s what loving someone unconditionally means. It’s often a very thankless job!
If you are loving someone with Depression don’t be afraid to ask them what they need most from you right now. I can assure you it’s probably just knowing that you are there, sitting beside them in that darkened tunnel, silently listening to them, allowing them to speak their truth without feeling judged or pushed and letting them know that no matter how long it takes, you will still be there waiting for them when they do find their way out of that darkened tunnel.
I am beyond grateful knowing that I have that someone in my life. He definitely deserves to be celebrated tomorrow and every day in between.
Several years ago my family created a private group on “Snapchat” which they lovingly named “PHAM”. I wasn’t part of it for the longest time because I wasn’t a Snapchat user (It was originally created for like 13 to 24 year olds in mind ya know lol!). But when I began to regularly hear about all the fun I kept missing out on from not being a part of the “PHAM” (which Rich himself seemed to be thoroughly amused by often), I eventually decided to download the App to my phone so I could join in.
Snapchat’s unique way of communicating compared to most other Social Media platforms we use today “mirrors how people interact with each other face-to-face.” It doesn’t leave a history behind, instead it self-destructs in mere seconds so unless you capture a screenshot of it, it’s gone forever.
My “PHAM” loves to share silly Tik Tok videos on Snapchat that they found amusing and thought we may too.
My “PHAM” regularly updates one another on the latest in News, Weather and Sports by sending articles of interest through Snap.
My “PHAM” sometimes likes to send pics of a meal they so proudly created from scratch or one that they are about to devour while out for dinner with their friends.
My “PHAM” will often send pics of their latest Amazon package to arrive or of a new outfit they just purchased and want to model for the rest of us.
My “PHAM” sends videos of something interesting they saw while out for a hike or from a new place we’d never been before (its also where we’ve been able to live vicariously through Jacob’s daily adventures in Israel over the past few weeks).
My “PHAM” love to create and send each other personalized and often hilarious Filters and Lenses, which are both a huge and unique feature to Snapchat and one of the many reasons I enjoy our “PHAM” group so much.
Our “PHAM” has created many memories from these silly “snaps” and we get to capture some of the sweetest moments in time which we just can’t wait to share with one another. Our “Pham” lets each other know by sending these “snaps” that we are thinking of them even when we are hundreds of miles apart or sitting next to one another on the couch.
We are communicating with each another through our stories on Snapchat which continually opens up some pretty special conversations and great discussions afterwards.
It may just be a “snap” in time. It may disappear from the screen. But these moments in time will forever live on in my heart.
I received a message through Facebook messenger last night. It has completely derailed me.
The individual who sent me the message had been following my journey on Facebook for some time now and just last week had so bravely reached out to me in private to share a piece of her own story with me. She told me that she keeps alot of her mental health struggles to herself and that many of her family and close friends did not even know. She assured me though that she was safe and under the care of both a Doctor and Therapist.
During this same conversation she also told me how brave it is of me to be able to be so open and vulnerable about my illness and asked me why I do it. I gave her a list of reasons why, the same list I’ve written about time and time again in so many of my Blogs. I told her I do it with the hope of helping others struggling along their own mental health journey feel less alone. I told her I do it to inspire those who are struggling in silence to feel that it’s okay to not be okay, to feel like someone is listening, to feel like someone understands them and most importantly, to give others the courage or strength they may need to ask for help.
I told her that I also do it so I can help the many other individuals following my journey as well who are struggling themselves to care for a friend or loved one living with a mental illness and who may need some extra comfort or guidance while navigating through our very broken health care system or who may also need some help in understanding a little bit better what their friend or loved one may be experiencing or feeling.
And I also told her that by sharing my journey so openly and educating others about mental illness as well that I am trying to put an end to the stigma surrounding it.
We messaged back and forth for a while that night. She gave me her phone number and I gave her mine. She tried reaching me by phone and through Facebook messenger several times the next day but we did not connect in person.
We texted again, although briefly, later on that evening. I told her I was available now to speak by phone if she would like to. She was not able to at that moment and we haven’t spoken again since. I did however notice that she began to actively comment on several of my blogs/posts. Her comments felt confusing at times and somewhat alarming as to her own current state of mental health. I deleted several of her comments because I felt as though I needed to protect her.
Then last night she sent me a private message again through Facebook messenger to tell me that I needed to stop sharing my journey publicly and that even though I may think I’m helping others with what I post, I’m actually not. She continued by telling me that people don’t want to hear about my thoughts of suicide or my many other vulnerabilities but would prefer to hear the “truth” about mental illness in a more positive light and that I should consider buying myself a journal to write down my personal thoughts there instead (which I already do!). She ended the message by saying “Hope you’re doing well!!
To say this message has derailed me is an understatement right now. After reading her message several times (like probably 40) and becoming more and more upset each time, I decided to answer her back. I started by first apologizing to her for making her feel this way and explained to her that I try and speak from my heart surrounding mental health and wellness. I came back to that list of reasons I had shared with her a week earlier. I told her that my willingness to be so open and vulnerable has helped so many people start important conversations and has allowed many more to feel less alone as they desperately try to find resources available in order to get some help for themselves or a loved one. I also reminded her that when I do post things that could potentially be triggering for someone I always write a warning at the very top of it.
I wished her well and told her that if my platform is too much of a trigger for her to please feel free to unfollow me. She read my response and immediately afterwards unfollowed me, well actually she went one step further and blocked me.
She has completely derailed me today and has left me questioning everything I do or the possible harm I may have caused to others reading my Blog or posts.
I have no ill feeling towards her for what she said to me, I know I can’t please everyone or be everybody’s cup of tea. People are free to unfollow me or scroll on by my posts if they so choose to. I myself have needed to block several people from my Social Media accounts who have triggered my own mental wellness in some way.
What I am feeling most right now though is sadness. Sadness for someone who may feel a sense of shame because of her illness.
I’m not sure if by her sending this message to me was her way of trying to gain some type of validation from me for wanting to keep her illness a secret. I have never judged anyone who has reached out to me before who is suffering in silence. I’m just happy that they are reaching out at all.
And even though she has completely derailed me from my mission today I know in my heart that I do what I do so that people feel like they have a safe place to turn to no matter what and although she may not feel like I should be sharing my journey so openly and with such vulnerability, it was because of my willingness to share and bring a sense of comfort with it so publicly that she found me and began following me in the first place, just like so many others have as well.
As I try to get my focus back on track from this derailment I need to continue reminding myself the reasons why I do what I do.
Living with a crippling anxiety disorder you just never know from one minute to the next when it will attack you.
Anxiety is always present throughout my day. It leaves me breathless and worried.
Whether I feel it in my body or hear its voice in my head; wherever I am, there it is.
It doesn’t really care what time it is or what I am doing either. It wears me like a glove.
Somedays I can manage my anxieties better than others and other days it will bring me to my knees in a state of panic; without any warning.
Like today.
Today I was doing my best to protect myself from the negative thoughts and physical disruptions until something happened earlier this afternoon which was completely out of my control, yet my anxiety and panic escalated at an alarming rate.
For most people who don’t suffer with a crippling anxiety disorder my guess is that many situations like the one I encountered earlier today that has now left me unable to stop ruminating and collecting negative thoughts about basically my entire fricken life would have likely been forgotten moments later because to most people it really wouldn’t have been such a big deal.
Honestly I don’t even want to tell you what happened because it really wasn’t such a big deal. Everyone was safe.
But here I am.
I’ve now created a domino effect in my head of negative thoughts and derailed everything that once felt manageable only hours earlier. I am overwhelmed.
Writing helps me to manage so many of my emotions. I figured if I wrote it down it may help me to shift gears a bit or help shift my negative thoughts because God knows the night is still young and I’m pretty sure that my anxiety will find plenty more reasons to cripple me once again before the day is done.
I’ve read several other of Matt Haig’s fictitious novels too but his Memoir: “Reasons To Stay Alive” based on his real life experiences of living with Depression and Anxiety and how he was able to overcome it is truly inspiring.
Somedays I find myself reaching for it when the dark clouds hover overhead.
I start flipping through the pages and reading exerpts from it as a gentle way to remind myself that Depression lies and that recovery is possible.
When I was a young child I had a pretty bad allergic reaction to an antibiotic I was once prescribed which had Sulphar in it. I got really, really sick.
At age 17 I had a very scary allergic reaction to Codeine when someone innocently gave me a Tylenol 3 for a headache while I was on a camp overnight. I’d never taken one before. Lucky the campers were all asleep by now.
At age 20 I reconfirmed that I was still allergic to Codeine when I accidentally took a Tylenol 3 again without realizing it. I was away that time too (with Rich and some friends). I will never make that mistake again.
But when I was first diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety just shy of my 43rd birthday I never imagined for one second that my body would reject every single fricken drug I was basically administered.
I’ve talked about it many times throughout my journey. After more than 20 concoctions of Antidepressants and several other treatments I was eventually diagnosed with having Treatment Resistant Depression.
My body can’t seem to tolerate much when it comes to treating my illness, antidepressants included. Over the past 7.5 years they had created so many added health problems for me (until I eventually went off them all together) which had my doctor needing to send me to see Cardiologists, Neurologists, Rheumatologists, Endocrinologists and many more specialists as well. At some point in time and after many brutal tests I knew it was the medications that were always causing these added stressors in my life because as soon as I weaned off any one or more drugs, the issues pretty much disappeared too.
It’s frustrating and as I’ve said over and over again, I feel like such a failure. My body rejects everything and I’ve felt like adding Ketamine to that list now too.
Today I met with a collegue (on Zoom) of my Psychiatrist to discuss my Ketamine treatment thus far. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this but my Psychiatrist has taken a 2 month Paternity leave which began the first week of October, just prior to me starting my first treatment.
I’m now four sessions down and I have felt no change at all which the Doctor is well aware of from my recorded conversations with the Nurses along with all of the assessments I have had to fill out regularly in between treatments and prior to the start of the next one.
I’m frustrated and like I said, as each day passes I feel more and more like a failure which has lead to more and more days filled with despair, hopelessness and thoughts of suicide.
My Therapist continually tries to tell me that I am not a failure in any way, shape or form and that the treatments and medications are the ones that are failing me. Today the Psychiatrist said those exact same words to me. He even went one step further to say that as Researchers and Scientists they too are failing me.
He discussed my final two upcoming treatments which would be a total of 6 all together but like my Psychiatrist and I first talked about weeks ago that is just the number they like to start with.
I told him I’m feeling very alone in this process given the MANY testimonials I’ve read from individuals who feel better after just a couple of treatments. He reassured me that I am not alone and that it is still too early for me to know if it’s working or not.
He also assured me that there are many more people not giving testimonials who may not even feel some relief for a few weeks following their last treatment.
He then told me that it’s a cumulative effect and every experience is customized to the patient’s individual needs and that for someone like me who is having such intense experiences during each treatment and several days of brutal side effects following that I need to take it slowly and gently proceed with caution when increasing my doses in the hope that I will eventually reach a therapeutic level.
He said he does not want to push the envelope, it’s all about trial and error and that as long as it takes for me to get to the highest dose in which MY body can tolerate then that is what they need to do and then promised that this was not the end of the line for me.
Two final things we discussed before our call ended was for me to possibly do some further genetic testing (I did some several years ago while inpatient which never concluded much) and he also mentioned the possibility of trying Ketamine again in its IV form (which I also did once inpatient several years ago) at a future date.
It’s all been a lot for me to digest today and I have even more to think about before my next treatment on Saturday afternoon including if I am ready yet to increase my dose again but being able to finally talk with a Psychiatrist today for the first time since I began this process was definitely a HUGE comfort. He was definitely a HUGE comfort. If it couldn’t be with my own Psychiatrist, he was definitely the next best thing.
YouAreEnough 
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