Today we ventured out for a #summerofrich “Fall Edition” hike not to far from home.
It was calling for rain.
The air was crisp and you could suddenly feel how quickly the seasons are changing again.
Last month I completed another #ontariohikingchallenge and received my honorary badge through the Ontario Hiking Facebook group earlier this week. The last challenge was in July.
Participating in these challenges every few months to receive a participation badge via email may seem silly to some people but for me it’s a great way to help keep me motivated to get out and hike at least 5 times during that particular month.
The next challenge is set for January; I’m not so sure I will have the same enthusiasm right smack in the middle of winter but there is a certain level of adrenaline that comes when I open my inbox and see my badge waiting there for me and knowing that by setting goals with intent, no matter how big or small they may seem can give you quite a feeling of accomplishment upon completion.
If you are a hockey fan, especially a Montreal Canadiens one then the news that broke about a month ago that their beloved goalie Carey Price was taking a leave of absence from his team to enter into the NHL’s “Player Assistance Program” probably came as quite a shock.
Yesterday, Carey broke his silence by releasing a statement to both the Media and his fans on Instagram, giving an honest update on his recovery.
He told them that in early October he had entered a residential treatment facility for substance abuse which is where he stayed for a month and then bravely admitted that “over the last few years I have let myself get to a very dark place and didn’t have the tools to cope with that struggle.”
Asking for help or admitting that you need help when struggling with a mental illness is possibly the most difficult step towards facing one’s fears and being able to begin the healing process for anyone but sadly it is even more so for men; and to further add to that, men like Carey Price who are looked upon by so many as a Superhero.
But Carey has shown the world what a true Superhero looks like by proving that no matter who you are, your greatest superpower is allowing others to see that it’s okay to not be okay and that asking for help or admitting you need help is not a sign of weakness. In fact, it takes great strength and courage. Both are qualities that no one should EVER be ashamed of.
Carey further states to the Media and on his Instagram post that he is continuing to work on his mental health “which will take some time to repair. All I can do is take it day by day. With that comes some uncertainty with when I will return to play.”
That last line also probably came as quite a shock to many of his fans and Media. But as someone who has been battling a mental illness for more than seven years now I can tell you that it doesn’t work that way. Just because Carey took a month off to focus on his mental health, (something he also admitted in his press release to neglecting for many years) and spent a month in a treatment facility does not mean that he’s suddenly all better and ready to get back in the net.Â
Having a mental illness is not something that people battling one can necessarily just “get over” in a month’s time or “snap out of”, even if you are a “Superhero”.
Carey Price is a true leader for change and I have no doubt that once he is well enough to return to his teammates (which seem to need him more than ever before 😊), he is going to be unstoppable both on and off the ice and I can’t wait to see where his superpowers take him next.Â
Jacob came home from Israel last night having had the most meaningful experience of his life to date.
He was baring gifts for us.Â
His gift to me and my girls was very symbolic of his experience and truly meaningful to me.Â
Over the past few years I have found a sense of spirituality in my journey. Not in a religious way though.
For me, finding a sense of spirituality has afforded me the opportunity to live in a place with greater compassion, beliefs, values and purpose.Â
The Hamsa hand is a symbol of spirituality and has an abundance of meaning.Â
It is said that by wearing a Hamsa hand downward around your neck it is inviting goodness into your life and is believed to attract hope. It is also believed to protect your heart from sadness and negative energy and instead bring the wearer happiness, health, luck, strength and good fortune.Â
Yesterday was picture perfect. I hiked, I ate cake, I spent time with loved ones and I got to celebrate my person’s special day. Nothing could be better.
But with each passing hour, even during the many joyful moments I still kept thinking to myself, when will the day end so that I can finally crawl into bed, under my weighted blanket.
It makes no sense I know.
Why would I want such a picture perfect day with so many joyful moments in it to ever end?
Why would I want to crawl into bed so badly every night knowing that is where my anxiety soars to panic most often and my depression becomes exasperated by thoughts of suicide?
It was a picture perfect day yesterday that’s for sure and I experienced so many joyful moments, especially seeing the look of pure joy and happiness on Rich’s face throughout the entire day and evening.
It’s all I ever want for him and especially yesterday. It’s been a really rough few months…
So I don’t really have an answer for you as to why I spend my days wishing them away and waiting for that moment when it finally feels acceptable to crawl back into bed.
Oh right, I almost forgot, it’s called Depression.
When battling Depression the days can feel very long, but the nights often feel even longer, yet for some unexplainable reason it’s where I feel most comfortable being, even on the many nights like last night when I finally got into bed, beyond exhausted and unable to sleep and almost immediately I began to have a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe or catch my breath. I felt unsafe, I felt restless and scared and even after taking something to help me sleep, I slept less than an hour.
It certainly doesn’t help that today is literally the longest day of the year and the hours are figuratively creeping by ever so slowly as I sit here wishing away the time until I can finally crawl back into bed again, curl up under my weighted blanket and watch my Sunday night trash TV.
Some highlights from our #summerofrich “Birthday Edition” yesterday.
We couldn’t have asked for a more perfect Fall day in November as we hiked for 3 grueling hours up and down some pretty steep and rocky terrain along the Bruce Trail; we learned some pretty cool stuff too. It was definitely one of our favourites by far.
Afterwards the celebrations continued with a quiet dinner at home with some family (don’t worry Jacob, we saved you a piece of cake for when you arrive home from Israel later this evening; can’t wait!!).
Rich also loved his new “one of a kind” hoodie I made for him which will keep him nice and toasty warm on all his #summerofrich “Winter Edition” adventures.
Life’s not about how hard of a hit you can give, it’s about how many times you can take and still keep moving forward ~Rocky~
The last seven birthdays he has celebrated have been spent loving someone battling with Depression. One such birthday several years ago he even had to go so far as to ask my Doctor for special permission in order to sign me out of the hospital for a couple of hours so that we could go for a quick dinner nearby to celebrate.Â
Loving someone with Depression is NOT easy. Being a caregiver to someone with Depression is NOT fun. You want so desperately to try and fix them, but you can’t. You feel helpless in everything you do and just pray that your words, your kind gestures or maybe even your hugs will be enough to make everything better, but it won’t.Â
Nothing they do seems to make a difference. Their words, their kind gestures and even their warm hugs only go so far when someone is battling a debilitating illness such as Depression.Â
Depression changes everything, including relationships. It builds walls around people and between them too. Rich has probably heard it all by now from outsiders looking in over the past seven years. Everything from “Man, I don’t know how you do it!”, to “You must be a real Saint!”, to my most favourite one of all, “Are you gonna leave her?”Â
Yup I’ve been a burden for the last seven plus years and that’s my honest truth. I am continually apologizing to Rich for being such a burden to him and our family and I probably tell him at least ten times a week how much better off he would be if I was “gone”.Â
He doesn’t see it that way though and just tries his best to always listen to me.
It’s not easy, nor fun.Â
Loving someone with Depression takes great strength. It means constantly having to listen or bare witness to many shocking and very upsetting things that they may say or do. Â
But still, Rich lets me talk.Â
He’s not perfect, but who is? He’s made mistakes along the way, he feels rejected at times and he gets frustrated and angry at other times but he acknowledges my pain, he validates it and although he may not always understand it, it’s what loving someone unconditionally means. It’s often a very thankless job!
If you are loving someone with Depression don’t be afraid to ask them what they need most from you right now. I can assure you it’s probably just knowing that you are there, sitting beside them in that darkened tunnel, silently listening to them, allowing them to speak their truth without feeling judged or pushed and letting them know that no matter how long it takes, you will still be there waiting for them when they do find their way out of that darkened tunnel.Â
I am beyond grateful knowing that I have that someone in my life. He definitely deserves to be celebrated tomorrow and every day in between.Â
YouAreEnough 
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