Wishing Away The Day

Yesterday was picture perfect. I hiked, I ate cake, I spent time with loved ones and I got to celebrate my person’s special day. Nothing could be better.

But with each passing hour, even during the many joyful moments I still kept thinking to myself, when will the day end so that I can finally crawl into bed, under my weighted blanket.

It makes no sense I know. 

Why would I want such a picture perfect day with so many joyful moments in it to ever end?

Why would I want to crawl into bed so badly every night knowing that is where my anxiety soars to panic most often and my depression becomes exasperated by thoughts of suicide?

It was a picture perfect day yesterday that’s for sure and I experienced so many joyful moments, especially seeing the look of pure joy and happiness on Rich’s face throughout the entire day and evening. 

It’s all I ever want for him and especially yesterday. It’s been a really rough few months…

So I don’t really have an answer for you as to why I spend my days wishing them away and waiting for that moment when it finally feels acceptable to crawl back into bed. 

Oh right, I almost forgot, it’s called Depression.

When battling Depression the days can feel very long, but the nights often feel even longer, yet for some unexplainable reason it’s where I feel most comfortable being, even on the many nights like last night when I finally got into bed, beyond exhausted and unable to sleep and almost immediately I began to have a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe or catch my breath. I felt unsafe, I felt restless and scared and even after taking something to help me sleep, I slept less than an hour.

It certainly doesn’t help that today is literally the longest day of the year and the hours are figuratively creeping by ever so slowly as I sit here wishing away the time until I can finally crawl back into bed again, curl up under my weighted blanket and watch my Sunday night trash TV. 

Does anyone else feel this way ever?

What are your thoughts on Daylight Saving?

#bedtime #momentsofjoy #celebrations #daylightsavingtime #timeforbed #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #Depression #anxiety #suicideawareness #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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