Category: Honesty

Reflection Of A Decade

REFLECTION OF A DECADE

It’s crazy to think about it but we are not only about to enter a whole new year but an entire new decade as well.  It’s kinda difficult right now for me to reflect back on the last decade with joy in my heart because for more than half of the last ten years I have spent it trying to survive and well truth be told, trying to die. 

I do know though that somewhere buried beneath my illness that my heart has felt a lot of pride and joy throughout the last decade from so many amazing highlights and milestones. In the past ten years we added a new addition to our family and Maggie has since filled our family with so much joy for close to nine years now. In the past ten years I’ve gotten to witness both Elementary and High School graduations galore (with one more to go in the new year!) and I have also watched all three of my children transition from pre-teens to teens and now into young adulthood as well. In the past ten years I got to plan and execute one of the greatest days of our lives with the celebration and milestone of Jacob and Hannah’s B’nai Mitzvah; a night which we were so blessed to be surrounded by so many of our loved ones.  In the past ten years we have also acknowledged and celebrated many more milestone birthdays as well including the most incredible family vacation in honour of Rachel’s 13th birthday. And I will never forget nearly ten years ago being able to experience the look on my kid’s faces when we walked through the gates of Disney World all together as a family!

Those are only a handful of the incredible highlights and milestones from the last ten years and there have been countless more but as I mentioned above it’s kinda difficult for me to feel the joy in my heart through the shattered glass of my illness when more than half of this current decade has been spent just trying to get through each day; basically I live each day in survival mode where the end goal is trying to avoid having a bad day. 

I never want to erase the incredible memories I’ve made during the last ten years and I certainly never want to forget the many successes either so as I enter into the next year and decade I will take with me what I have learned over this past year in order to make room for joy in my heart. I have learned so much about myself this past year alone and one of my greatest successes this year was being able to accept that if some days all I can do is survive, then that’s one step closer to joy. We all deserve to feel joy in our hearts and maybe I needed this past decade to teach me how.  

Wishing you all good health, joy and much success for 2020!

Please continue to follow my journey into the next decade at: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com

#2020 #happynewyear #findingjoy #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #reflection #youareenough #depression #anxiety #masksoff #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #endthestigmatogether #bekindtoyourself #ichooseme

Dora The Explorer: Can You Say “Be Yourself”


We spent the last few days with our friends at their cottage. My kids have grown up here and have had so many amazing adventures and made so many equally amazing memories there both in the summer and winter months.  
All that was missing from this trip to the cottage was Jacob who thought going to Florida with some of his friends over the winter break would be way more fun; silly boy (see pic of him photoshopped in all the way from Miami Beach)! But alas we still managed to have fun without him, especially snow tubing because it’s not like he can do that in Florida lol!

Aside from the kids (and dads) going snow tubing (are they still considered kids when two of them are 17 and two of them are 20?) we cooked a big hearty breakfast one morning, made a fajita bar one night and Rachel brought her delicious homemade vegan mac and cheese with for all of us to enjoy as well. We ate, we drank, we played games, we chased after 2 tiny, adorable but very loud dogs, we ate some more, we drank some more, we built a gingerbread house, we watched old tv shows, we celebrated Chanukah, we ate again, we drank again, we curled up by the fire and we watched a movie together.

When trying to agree on a movie to watch that all of us could enjoy together I figured was going to turn into an hour long debate and we’d end up watching nothing but within minutes we had all agreed on one. It was not a movie that you would think any one of us would have wanted to see except maybe for the nostalgia of it (and I’m all about nostalgia) but we were all in the mood for something that may not require a great deal of concentration (it turned out that it kinda did but was still worth it!)
Yes “Dora (The Explorer) And The Lost City of Gold” was the winner and the nostalgia of the “kids” kinder years won all of our hearts, but what I also loved was the important message portrayed throughout the movie that led me to shout out while watching it, “I feel a blog coming on!”

Our families have blended together through thick and thin for over 17 years now and when we all get together we are like one big family. We never have to pretend to be someone we’re not when we are together, we never have to feel like we can’t be our true authentic self when we are together, we never have to wear a mask when we are together and we never have to act a certain way when we are together.

Dora showed us throughout the movie how important it is to be yourself and that being your true authentic self should never mean sacrificing who you are in order to make friends or keep them. She also taught us that we should never allow others to change who we are, that we should live life on our own terms and those who truly matter will embrace all of you, quirks and all. And she reminded us that true friendship is like a unicorn: “something that is highly desirable but difficult to find”, so when you do find it remember to hold on tight!

Please continue to follow my journey at: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com 

#friendship #family #familytime #unicorns #winterbreak #masksoff #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #beyou #trueauthenticself #doratheexplorer #amigos #familia #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety 

YOU ARE ENOUGH THIS HOLIDAY SEASON 

When I woke up this morning I received a notification from my blogging site that read: “Your blog YouAreEnough stats are booming and it appears to be getting more traffic than usual!”  I felt a sense of pride knowing that others choose to turn to my blog to find some comfort and support but given that today is Christmas Day I quickly felt saddened knowing just how many people there are out there who may not have loved ones who can give them the comfort and support they deserve.

It may be difficult for some of us to understand but during the holiday season many people feel very much alone, isolated and simply like they are not enough. This time of year we are surrounded by so many bright lights, whether it’s from the candles burning on your Menorah or from the colourful lights hanging from a Christmas tree it’s hard to imagine why anyone would feel anything less than pure holiday cheer and joy. 

But this time of year can also be met by so much darkness which is too often due to having to deal with difficult memories, unattainable expectations, feelings of disappointment and of course the overwhelming stress brought on by the holiday season.  Stress is our body’s reaction to a trigger and is generally a short-term experience that carries with it many of the same symptoms that anxiety does such as having trouble sleeping, excessive amount of worry, lack of focus, irritability and a rapid heartbeat.

Often we believe that stress and anxiety are one and the same but anxiety is an actual mental disorder that can be brought on by too much stress.  Anxiety does not disappear when a situation is remedied and can impact every aspect of one’s life. And the more people who are feeling the darkness during the holiday season try to force themselves to feel holiday cheer and joy will only wind up feeling like a giant sack of coal! 

Many of us need to be reminded that the holiday season is a time for giving, a time for kindness and a time to help someone who may be in need of some extra comfort and support.  It’s a time to remember that itsoktonotbeok, it’s a time to remember to checkonyourlovedones, it’s a time to remember that youmatter and most of all to remember that youareenough!

#itsoktonotbeok #checkonyourlovedones #youmatter #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #youarenotalone #christmastime #chanuakahcheer 

My Tribe

The two most important things that I have learned along my journey would probably have to be from the day I decided 3 years ago to share my story and in doing so I have found out who my tribe truly is. 

I began to write about my journey in private and slowly I began to whisper it softly in close quarters but when I actually started to shout it from the rooftop my tribe gathered and now it’s overflowing with so much kindness and compassion. 

Over the last five and a half years I’ve been rejected by some, I’ve been judged by others and I’ve been the topic of many hurtful conversations behind my back but I no longer hold those people in my heart. I have learned to let it go because I know that I have such an amazing tribe rooting for me now and even though you may not always understand what I am feeling you still just want to be a part of my life and learn together, you still just want to hold my hand or give me a hug (even if it’s virtual) and you still just want to listen to me or just stand beside me with no strings attached because that’s what a tribe does for one another. And just knowing how much my own story has helped so many others to gather their own tribe too means that none of us have to walk through this journey alone. 

#mentalillness #depression #anxiety #myfamily #mytribe #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youareenough #youarenotalone #endthestigmatogether #startaconversation #itsoktonotbeok

It’s A Chanukah Miracle

IT’S A CHANUKAH MIRACLE 

As many of you may know who follow my blogs regularly I recently mentioned that I was diagnosed with the onset of Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis which combined have left me in severe and chronic pain over the last few months. 

Osteoarthritis can occur when the protective layer of cartilage in our joints wear down, it can also occur when too much stress is put on a joint, from an injury that may have occurred or even from being overweight. Having had a full body bone scan and some xrays done last month determined this to be my diagnosis. 

And because Fibromyalgia often has many common symptoms to Osteoarthritis but with pain being more widespread throughout your body as mine has been, the diagnosis seemed to go hand in hand, along with the fact that Fibromyalsia is commonly found in patients suffering with depression and anxiety. 
I did also mention recently that I was not wishing to be treated for Fibromyalgia with commonly prescribed medications as they are most often antidepressants and I’ve been there, done that. The pain meds I was taking to alleviate some of the pain associated with osteoarthritis were also not helping. 

I have tried taking out many foods from my diet that may help alleviate some of the pain and inflammation in my body and of course failed at that as well (diet coke probably being the hardest). 
One thing I know I’ve also needed to do for quite some time now is lose some weight, which after gaining approximately 100 pds over a 2 year span while experimenting with over 20 different antidepressants is not an easy task. Lucky for me, when my doctor weaned me off all of my medications 3 years ago more than half of that weight literally fell off, however the rest did not. 
Having a mindset to lose weight when your mind is as dysfunctional as mine is has been very very difficult to do and has also led to a vicious cycle of self-hatred. And then to top it all off, I gained close to another 10 pds in the short time I was taking my new medication (I am off it now). 

So as per usual I began searching once again for some natural remedies and treatments to help me with some of my issues (yes there are many!). Through researching I met a woman who has spent the last 18 years of her life living with several chronic and invisible illnesses including Fibromyalgia. She’s had to endure over 10 different surgeries and was taking more than 10 perscription drugs daily until one day not so long ago she began to advocate for herself and found some products which could help her lose weight, improve her mood and energy level, boost her immune system, lower the inflammation in her body and help manage her pain and she did all this and more. She is now off all of her prescription drugs, has melted away inches and pounds in the blink of an eye, has reduced the inflammation in her body, is no longer bedridden, has tons more energy and the best part of all is she can finally hug her now teenage son for the first time, pain free.

So ya her story inspired me, ALOT and in the last 14 days since deciding to try the same products myself I have lost over 10 pds and many inches, I no longer have any food (or beverage) cravings including diet coke and a few days ago I said to my husband that the pain that had been debilitating my life further for the last several months has gone from a 10+ most days to a 1. 

Who knows if it will bring about other changes as well over time in regards to helping my depression and anxiety but two weeks in I am completely amazed at what it’s done so far but for now I’ll take one Chanukah Miracle at a time!

https://www.myvalentus.com/kfluxgold

Please continue to follow my journey at: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com 

#itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #advocateforyourself #fibromyalsia #osteoarthritis #change #weightloss #nomorepain #chanukahmiracles 

Burnt-Out

BURNT-OUT

I may be all over the place today as I sit down to write this but it’s just because that’s how my mind works.  My illness causes my brain to always feel like there is a tornado swirling around in my head forcing me into a vortex without the ability to control it.  I know that I am very hard on myself and this week has been no exception.  

I have spent the past few days since making my national television debut on live TV hating myself more than ever even though I have had nothing but rave reviews; but my mind is telling me otherwise.  It’s told me that I am stupid, that people are just being nice, that I sounded like an idiot, that what I said was useless, that I didn’t get my point across the way I could have, that I made a fool of myself, that I should never have done it and that it’s time to give up on thinking that writing and publishing my book was ever a good idea to begin with.  Crazy eh?

I have been told this week by so many of you how brave I am, how courageous I am, how important it is to share my story, even the hosts of the morning show thought so, but yet here I am feeling like I am more worthless, hopeless and purposeless than ever. This week has been met with several other challenges as well which I can not share with you right now but is also a big part of what is making me need to take a step back and try to stop the vortex from pulling me right into the center of the storm.

One thing I know for certain is that the new medication I began several weeks ago is not helping me manage my illness, it in fact has done just the opposite. It’s left me with an increasingly high level of suicidal ideations, it’s left me with close to 10 pounds of weight gain even though my diet has not changed one bit and it’s left me not just tired from lack of sleep but fatigued beyond exhaustion.

Burnt-out is probably the best way to describe the way I am feeling right now and taking a step back as I mentioned is probably what I need to do which includes many of the projects I keep taking on because I have a hard time saying no. I have been trying to do too much which I also wrote about in another blog “Biting Off More Than I Can Chew” back on Sept 25, 2019 (https://youareenough712.wordpress.com) when my immune system first seemed to breakdown and now feels completely broken. 

I am also trying to fight off symptoms from the onset of osteo-arthritis and fibromyalgia (both of which I have been recently diagnosed with) and have taken an added toll on me both physically and mentally and has yet again left me searching for new treatments that don’t include medication. I have already tried changing my diet by adding certain foods and eliminating others that may cause further inflammation or pain in my body but I have had no real success and I will not take certain medications that treat fibromyalgia either as many of them are antidepressants which I have already tried for depression and failed big time.  

But my psychiatrist made a simple suggestion to me this week to get started as I begin to cleanse my body from the medication I am currently on to possibly begin another one. He told me that studies have shown that taking 1000 to 1500 mg of extra strength Tylenol every single day, 2 to 3 times a day can not only help fight off pain but may actually help with mood and anxiety as well if taken on a regular daily schedule. I even asked my good friend Dr. Google and he agreed!

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last month researching natural products that may be a better solution for both my current physical and mental state which could also help with inflammation and boost one’s immune system too and I found such products and began using them a week ago. In the first week since I have been taking them I lost close to the ten pounds I recently gained from the new medication. I’m hoping that this added bonus will soon start showing other signs of improvement to both my body and mind too but for now it seems like a step forward as I take some much needed steps back. (Don’t say I didn’t warn you that this blog would be all over the place!)

The Morning Show

The last few months have felt like a dream come true and today was the icing on the cake! Thank you for having me on this morning to share my story @morningshowca @globalnewsto @carolynglobal @jmacspeaks #amomentlikethis #parentingplaybook #wheredidmommyssmilego #amazondotca #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #startaconversation

https://globalnews.ca/video/6272474/parenting-playbook-how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-depression/

Catching The Other Shoe Before It Drops

My week began like any other and just as I mentioned in my latest blog “Maybe I Don’t Want To Get Better”, Dec 4, 2019; https://youareenough712.wordpress.com I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It seems as though whenever I have a moment of happiness in my life it is quickly overshadowed by some kind of despair or displeasure and this week has been no exception (actually it’s been a bit more than the exception but not up for discussing it right now; you’ll have to wait for the bestselling Tell-All edition). My depression and anxiety warn me at least once a day, if not more that this will happen and I have come to believe them because they really seem to find enjoyment in controlling just how much happiness I deserve and for how long I am allowed to feel any joy or pleasure.

In many of the situations that I encounter in which my illness drops the other shoe (a 6 inch stiletto to be exact), usually smack dab on top of my head or in the pit of my stomach, I often need to take a step back (that is once I can stand up again, or wipe away the tears) and talk my way through it. Oftentimes this will include creating healthy boundaries.

I’ve spoken about the importance of creating healthy boundaries many times before in my writing. I know that having healthy boundaries are extremely necessary in creating healthy relationships and in general, a healthy life. The problem for me though lies within my illness which often makes it very challenging and lets not forget that ugly five letter word that builds an electric fence around my ability to create those healthy boundaries: GUILT!

Guilt also has two allies that join forces regularly to consume my daily life; their names are Fear and Self-Doubt, and together they have a profound effect on many of my relationships. I continually feel like I am damned if I do or damned if I don’t because of my constant need for setting healthy boundaries for myself. Some people may look at these healthy boundaries as a selfish act, but I know in my heart (even when my mind tries to argue with it) that I need to do it for my own well-being.

Sometimes that may even mean distancing myself from toxic situations if my well-being is being compromised or trying not to force something that makes me feel sad or uncomfortable and it may also mean coming to terms with the fact that I no longer fit in everywhere.

Creating healthy boundaries means making self-care a priority and doing what’s best for you and your life and no-one else’s and once you are able to assertively throw that other shoe back at your guilt, your fear and your self-doubt it’s sure to make a lot more room in your closet for a brand new pair of comfy slippers because in all honesty who really needs another pair of 6 inch stilettos anyhow?

#healthyboundaries #selfcare #ichooseme #youarenotalone #youareenough #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #squashtheguilt #courage #comfyshoes

Maybe I Don’t Want To Get Better

No matter what’s going on in my life I have a very difficult time deriving any joy or pleasure from day to day activities or life events. I mean I do experience happiness in my life but then in the blink of an eye I can manage to twist every ounce of it into despair or displeasure. Just this past week alone there have been many moments of happiness including a long awaited job offer for Rich but I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop because that’s what depression and anxiety do to your mind.

My illness tells me that I don’t deserve to feel any joy or pleasure and maybe it’s right because lately it’s convinced me that maybe I don’t want to get better.
Maybe it’s just easier to surrender to this disease or to live with chronic depression and debilitating anxiety than to try and fight it. It’s kinda become the norm, maybe even somewhat comforting like an old worn out pair of slippers. Maybe if I can accept the fact that I will never get better then there will be less pressure on me as it feels as if it’s what is expected of me nowadays anyways. Maybe I’ve been lying to myself all along that recovery is what I really want.
Trying to pacify my pain and sadness seems near impossible when I’ve been trying for so long and nothing I do seems to be the right answer (including my new medication, see blog “Should I Or Shouldn’t I?” https://youareenough712.wordpress.com; Oct 30, 2019) which in turn just causes me more pain and more sadness.
Change can be terrifying after all and the truth is that depression and anxiety have become a big part of who I am now and everyone knows that human beings are creatures of habit.
So what if I do conquer this dreadful disease one day, then what am I going to be left with? Who will I become? Where will I belong? Will I have lost my purpose? How will I fit in? The fear of the unknown can sometimes be scarier than the known. Fear feels safe right now and protects me from further failure and hopelessness. But fear also takes away my power and motivation to allow me to find out just how worthy I really am.
#itsoktonotbeok #depression #anxiety
#suicideprevention #whoami #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #checkonyourlovedones #mentalillness #selfcare #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #youarenotalone #fears

It’s Not All Black And White

*May be Triggering*

The colours (shades, tones? Whatever you want to call them) black and white are as opposite as day and night. They are recognizably different from one another and clearly distinct from each other too. But not everything is always so black and white in this world and I can tell you that when it comes to suicide, things are never just black or white, more often than not, they are actually pretty darn gray.

The gray area of suicide isn’t just about wanting to end your life and being at peace with it, but it’s also about fighting to stay alive. I have been in that gray area more times than I care to admit to over the last many years and over the past couple of weeks it’s been no acception. I am finding myself totally obsessed with the colour gray.

I decided to look up the meaning of the colour gray; here is some of what I found: “The colour gray is impartial, detached, unemotional and indecisive – the fence sitter. Too much of the colour gray creates sadness and depression and a tendency to loneliness and isolation. The closer gray gets to black, the more dramatic and mysterious it becomes. The closer it gets to silver or white, the more illuminating and lively it becomes.” (empower-yourself-with-color-psychology.com/color-gray)

It has become increasingly more difficult each day trying to figure out which side of the gray fence I want to sit on and at the same time, the irony is not lost on me that most of my clothing is either black or gray. But the real kicker was that today I actually realized for the first time that my illness doesn’t want me to feel closer to silver or white, it doesn’t want me to become more illuminated or lively, it doesn’t want me to feel joy or happiness even when I am presented with it, and maybe it’s right.

1-833-456-4566 Suicide Prevention Canada

#endthestigmatogether #youareenough #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #itsoktonotbeok #suicide #youarenotalone #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #speakyourtruth #courage