Category: Guilt

Just The Facts Ma’am; It’s Really Not “All In Your Head”

*Warning Sensitive Content*

Statistics show that the amount of people suffering with depression is quickly becoming more common than any other illness or disorder and that it is also the most common mental illness among those who die from suicide. These statistics leave me pondering why there are still so many people who don’t know much about depression and suicide.  I can tell you from my own experience that it is first and foremost a real illness, one that is often silent, life-altering and potentially deadly.

Many people have a preconceived notion about what depression and suicide really are and this continues to make it especially laborious for an infinite amount of individuals suffering with a mental illness to find the strength to be as open and honest with loved ones and professionals as they would like to be.  Too many times a person in the presence of someone who is suffering with depression or suicidal ideations may unintentionally use phrases like ‘I’m so depressed’ or ‘I’m gonna kill myself’ as a figure of speech to express their emotions in that moment without registering the substantial impact it may have on those who are truly hurting around them.

When someone casts these inadvertent statements around you it only diminishes and devalues the seriousness of mental illness, which also leaves so many people grappling with the inability to reach out and ask for help.  You see, depression lies to you because it makes you feel so alone & weak and makes you feel like the world is always judging you, simply put, depression and suicide are just vastly misunderstood.

The lack of knowledge and education encompassing depression and suicide continues to make it more and more challenging for the millions of people around the world to feel protected when they are trying to express their thoughts and feelings instead of worrying that they will be made to feel more alone, more weak and more judged.  Even though we as a society have made great strides over the last decade in recognizing that mental illnesses are not “all in your head”, I know there is still so much work to be done.  I know this because I live with a mental illness every day, I live with depression every day, I live with anxiety every day and I live with suicidal ideations every day.  I have been made to feel all alone, weak and judged as well as too afraid to speak the truth for fear of the aftermath as I have experienced much of that aftermath with significant regret and sorrow.

The misconception that a mental illness is “all in your head” can and will belittle a person suffering.  Depression et al is very much a disease and sadness is very much an emotion.  It is not something provoked by encountering a bad day and then thinking that by taking a long hot bath you can cure it; it unfortunately doesn’t work that way, and likewise, it can’t always be “fixed” by simply taking a pill (but I do hear that it can make you a racist, A.K.A Roseanne Barr!).  Many people assume that if someone is afflicted by a mental illness that a doctor will merely prescribe them an antidepressant and it will miraculously go away.  I know for me and many others this is completely untrue.  I have tried over 20 antidepressants and all that they did for me was lead to further complications.  I’m not saying that medication won’t work for everyone, but thinking that it will, can be very impeding on your loved one’s road to recovery.

One of the most difficult roadblocks I find while suffering with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts; a roadblock which can become the most dangerous one of all; a roadblock which can create a barrier so high that we can no longer speak our truth because the face of mental illness is so misconstrued.  Unfortunately you can’t see a mental illness in the same way that you can see many other disorders or illnesses (or a broken leg for that matter), so please forgive me if I tend to smile or even laugh once in a while or put on some makeup to hide my tired eyes or even carry on a normal and engaging conversation with you, but these actions are by no means an indication that I am not still hurting inside and will just leave someone like myself feeling more alone, more weak and more judged because “I look fine”.

I can probably relay to you fifty more preconceptions behind depression and mental illness in general but instead I will just continue to write my truths, be as honest as I can be and give you ‘just the facts’, the facts that I have come to believe to be true, the facts that are not “all in my head but instead come straight from my heart.

Cleaning Out My Closet

Every so often we get that rush of adrenaline inside that energizes us just enough to clean out our closets.  Whether it’s to get rid of items of clothing that we no longer wear, that no longer fit us or that are no longer in style can be very cathartic, all of which help make room for newer, more trendy articles of clothing.

Sometimes cleaning out our closet is simply a way to help declutter and re-organize some of life’s messes.  For me the thought of cleaning out my closet has been especially overwhelming and stressful.  Every day when I enter my closet I am met with these emotions as my closet has somehow become a metaphor of the chaos and disorder my life is in.

Living with three teenagers I know the true meaning of living in a continuous state of chaos and disorder, both of which cause me severe anxiety.  If you were to ask my kids the one thing I badger them about the most (okay, all the time) they would unanimously say it’s to clean up their rooms.  Ya I get it, they are teenagers (who happily enjoy living like pigs I might add) and for some reason they feel it’s their own space to do with as they please and maybe they are right, but I’m pretty damn sure they are wrong after all possession is nine-tenths of the law, right (and I’m rather certain they only own about one-tenth of their room)?!  Perhaps it’s their way of asserting their independence, or their individuality or possibly it’s how they show their defiance toward parental control, but for me it plain and simply expresses complete and utter unrest (and I guess none of them inherited my CONSTANT need for cleanliness and order, some may feel borders on obsession).

I know exactly what many people are thinking right now because I’ve heard it all before and I can tell you for certain that closing their doors so I can’t actually see the chaos and disorder is anything but helpful.  Remember, I suffer with a mental illness which constantly dumps unwanted thoughts and images in my head so no matter whether their doors are wide open or bolted shut, I know exactly what they look like and as I have said I have a very strong aversion toward chaos and disorder.

The anguish I feel concerning my kid’s chaotic and disorderly rooms and the rush of adrenaline that came over me while assisting my husband in cleaning out his own closet yesterday ultimately influenced my decision to finally conquer the chore of decluttering and re-organizing my own closet as well.  I know there is no proper etiquette when it comes to this sort of mission and to most people it’s really more time consuming rather than overwhelming and stressful, but for me this sort of commitment involved a huge emotional undertaking.

So why then if I feel so strongly against having any kind of chaos or disorder in my life would I not be up for such a task?  Well the long and the short of it is because all it did was leave me feeling sad, guilty, angry, frustrated and with an almost completely barren closet.  Yup I purged all right, all the way down to its core and at no time during the task or upon its completion did it leave me with even an ounce of happiness or satisfaction.  It’s been quite a while since I have really done a thorough cleaning of my closet and what I discovered was a great deal of pain (who knew that a closet could hold so much power?).

For most people who approach this task they only need to make two simple piles; one for the items they plan to give away and one for the items that they plan to keep.  Instead I found myself (metaphorically speaking) intertwined in four different piles which included the sad pile, the guilty pile, the angry pile and the frustrated pile.  I’m not going to go into any detail here as to what each of these piles truly represent individually for me but instead how they collectively as a whole make me feel and that clearly my illness has left me feeling completely and wholly empty, and now, sadly so too is my closet.

Frozen In Time

*From One Honest Parent to Another*

The other night my husband and I watched the series finale of one of my all-time favorite TV shows which completed its ninth and final season on Tuesday night.  He will probably kill me for writing this but by the end of the one hour episode we were both sobbing like babies! (This is as real as it gets).  We both felt the same raw emotions while watching the finale, we both felt the same likeness and parallels to our own family unit.

“The Middle” was a half hour weekly comedy which centered around a middle class family facing the day to day struggles of home life, work and raising three children.  Although it took place in “middle” America it could have just as easily taken place in my own backyard.  The three children were close in age to my own kids and faithful viewers like myself have watched them grow up before our eyes, tackling life’s ups and downs but always doing so with a quick-witted sense of humour.

If there is one word to describe the final episode of “The Middle” it would be ‘bittersweet’.  It perfectly wrapped up all of its loose ends of a family that so many of us can relate to, in both a funny and extremely touching way.  Week after week for nine seasons I looked forward to watching the unorthodox and heartwarming antics of the Heck family, but this week really struck a different chord with me.

Maybe it’s simply because it was the final episode (I’m sure they are deserving of a reboot in ten years just like so many other shows on TV this year), or maybe it was what the episode truly signified which was the end of an era.  It reminded me just how quickly time passes by when you become a parent.  We all know that we can never get back those precious moments or milestones we wish could stay frozen in time forever, but as the Patriarch of the ”Heck” family so candidly declares in this final episode to his TV wife who’s grieving the loss of time, “That’s the way it’s supposed to be.”

As much as I can hear the sincerity behind his sensible words, my emotional state of mind is just too damn fragile right now to believe them.  Having depression constantly keeps me focused on my past.  I am forever yearning for those precious moments I wish could be kept frozen in time, you know the ones, like when you held out your hand and immediately felt the grasp of your toddler’s tiny, warm sticky fingers returning the gesture, or even when you first took off their training wheels on their bicycle and they rode off into the sunset, but always looked back longing for your approval.  My mental wellness depends on these images as I continue to struggle daily to find answers.

During the final episode of “The Middle” I watched as the Matriarch of the family tried hopelessly to keep her emotions intact while coming to grips with the next chapter of their lives, but to no avail she eventually breaks down.  This of course is where I went from a natural teary-eyed state of mind to complete and inconsolable sobbing.  When suffering with chronic anxiety as I do, I’m persistently being jolted into the opposing direction of my depression, which is relentlessly taking me deep into that next chapter, long before I am ready to finish the current one, therefore leaving me in a constant state of distress.

They say that the older we get the faster life passes us by, making us question the mystery as to where did the time go?  I myself cannot really tell you the answer to this question however, over the last couple of years I have wondered it many, many times as I try to face just how much our family dynamics have changed and continue to do so.  We are all beginning to move toward unfamiliar territory and in doing so we are learning how to support one another through trial and error while managing our new roles and identities together.

Through therapy I am beginning to embrace two very important tasks in order to help me cope with our new roles and identities by creating healthy boundaries and communicating my needs with loved ones.  Many of these next chapters in life can often lead a once healthy, happy individual into a very depressive or anxious state of mind which is why it is imperative for me right now to use these strategies as we turn the page once again, and for anyone else reading this that may be feeling apprehensive or vulnerable as they too turn to the next page just know that you are not alone.

Being open and honest about what you need from your loved ones is most definitely key as I have learned very recently.  As I try to look ahead to the next chapters I will continue to keep those precious memories in the forefront of my mind knowing that I have created and raised three capable, confident and resourceful human beings enabling them to fly into the world and start writing their own new and exciting chapters.  I will also do so with the belief that no matter what, they will always remember where they came from because “that’s the way it’s supposed to be.”

When One Door Opens

When One Door Opens

(Please read to the end)

Alexander Graham Bell once said that ‘when one door closes, another opens’.  Being the self-proclaimed pessimist that I have become it’s really difficult for me to see the true gift or message behind this overly optimistic quote.  It actually goes on to say: ‘but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the ones which open for us.’ To me this quote signifies missed opportunities, failure and loss, whereas a more optimistic person may see the opportunity for growth, development and success.

When suffering with depression and anxiety I have said many times before that it feels like I’m playing a game of Tug of War with my brain.  When I am feeling anxious or having a panic attack I am anticipating future events which causes me to lose control, whereas my depression takes me deep into my past where nothing seems to make sense at all.  It’s as though my mind is split in two, one side is filled with constant worry about every aspect of my life and the other side is just too damn exhausted or worn down to care, both leaving me incessantly feeling like I will never find that open door.

Sometimes in life there are events or circumstances that are beyond our control especially when it comes to the weather, getting old, a natural disaster or even the way others may treat us.  Sometimes life is just simply not fair and sometimes it can be just downright cruel. Knowing that some things in our lives may be out of our control or near impossible to change can often lead to unwarranted feelings of disappointment, sadness or anger whether or not they were expected or if they came out of the blue, even the most positive ones.

Not all plans in life work out, at some point in our lives we will all experience a death of a loved one, a loss of relationships or failure of some kind, many of which can lead a person into the pathway of depression and anxiety.  Throughout my journey my role as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and a friend has significantly changed, my beliefs have significantly changed , my goals have significantly changed and my needs have most definitely changed. I see the world a lot differently than I once did, one which is now controlled through negative self-talk, hopelessness and worthlessness, so much so that when I do experience a wholesome, healthy change in my life, an adjustment or assimilation period is needed more than ever.

Change, although inevitable, has been something that has intensely impacted my state of mind (even when it comes to good changes) since I began suffering with depression and anxiety.  There have been countless changes in my life over the past four years, many of which I have not shared with you, but good or bad they can all trigger feelings of uneasiness and distress now.  Even if certain events or circumstances that may occur in our lives are not defined by someone else as devastating they can still be extremely taxing on others and should always be measured equally.

The start of this week actually began with one of the most wholesome, healthy changes I have been longing for, a change which will affect our entire family dynamic. A change that will rejuvenate, recharge and refresh our inner core.  For those of you who were unaware, my husband lost his job 15.5 months ago after working for the same company for close to twenty years, and since then he has been on an exhausting and endless search for a new one, which finally came to an end on Monday afternoon.  An end that now signifies a new beginning, a notable amount of change and an open door.

As I stated earlier change is a very burdensome undertaking for me no matter how great or important it may be, it is still scary and unknown.  When my husband first walked through the door 15 months ago with his shocking and unimaginable news our lives immediately began to unravel further, and many difficult changes followed.  Change is unavoidable when someone loses their job and the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months and sometimes even years. You will inescapably begin to lose part of your identity, your daily routine, your self-confidence & self-esteem and your overall sense of security, which is pretty much how things unfolded around here.

Now that this next chapter is about to begin for us, and a promising second act gets underway, I am at a crossroads which is pulling me in opposite directions, one of which is resisting many of the new changes which lie ahead.  But I will take this opportunity as I breathe the first real sigh of relief that I have been able to do in a very long time and walk hand in hand together through this open door embracing each other as we see what’s waiting for us on the other side.

This Mother’s Day I Choose ME

This Mother’s Day I Choose ME

*Some Sensitive Content*
For all of you moms out there reading this I’m pretty sure you will all agree with me when I say that being a mom truly is the hardest role you will ever undertake in your life. It doesn’t really matter the process to which got you there, instead all that matters is what you do with that role once you have accepted it. A role that won’t begin every day at 9 am or end at 5 pm, a role that includes late nights, weekends and even holidays, and a role that will hopefully take you well beyond your retirement years.

From the moment that you first got to cradle your new born baby in your arms you acquired the role of ‘Mom’, ‘Mommy’, ‘Mama’ or whatever you so choose to be called, but with this new found role comes endless responsibility. You have now taken the solemn oath that you promise to provide them with all the basic necessities in their life in order for them to become functioning and contributing adults in society one day. These needs include feeding your child proper and nutritional meals (and whoever says chicken nuggets and Kraft macaroni and cheese aren’t proper and nutritional foods can suck it!), a safe and nurturing environment where they can feel protected from harm’s way, a place where they can learn and build character and an opportunity to explore and experiment countless possibilities through your loving guidance and support. Of course this is not a complete list as to a mom (and dad’s) role in their child’s life, as it is honestly boundless and although once they reach the age of 18 you may think the role you play in their life is done, it isn’t, it just begins to shift in a new direction.

As I already noted above, being a mom can be so hard and as we all know the role itself doesn’t come with an instruction manual like a brand new car or a toaster oven do. We just have to wing it and hope that we do the best job we can with the resources provided to us. We will all make some mistakes along the way and that’s okay, it’s all part of the learning process. When I look back at my role as ‘mom’ prior to April 2014, I feel like I was meeting and even sometimes exceeding the expectations of my role (well maybe not in the cooking department), but then as you know that all changed in what seemed to be in the blink of an eye.

Since becoming ill, my role as a mom has transformed drastically. As difficult a task as parenting is when you feel great, it is downright impossible when you can’t even take care of your own basic needs let alone those of three innocent children. My kids weren’t babies when I became ill, nor were they toddlers anymore, in fact they were already in the onset of teenage-hood which as many of you know comes with its own set of agonizing challenges, and there have been plenty.

For the past four years I have sat along the sidelines for many of life’s precious moments filled with an overwhelming sense of guilt, an overwhelming sense of failure and an overwhelming sense that I am nothing more than a burden to my children (and husband’s) lives. I have been trying hopelessly to work through these tormenting thoughts and feelings with some much needed guidance, helping to redirect my focus and see life through the eyes of a child, that is, a child who still wants to call me mom.

It is fair to say that I love my kids more than life itself and I treasure more than anything the rare occasions we get to spend together, just the five of us, and by that I don’t mean sitting down to dinner for ten minutes while everyone is busy on their phones or someone is yelling about who stole whose clothes that day. I know as each year passes these rare occasions become less and less conventional, but right now I need them more than ever. It brings with it a sense of peace knowing that my role as their mom may not yet have been completely downsized or outsourced which is why for Mother’s Day this year I have chosen me.

To be perfectly honest though I was pretty scared at first as this whole ‘I Choose Me’ mantra that has been persistently drilled into my head over the past few months (and helped me come to some very crucial resolutions and set some much needed healthy boundaries) is an extremely difficult concept for me to grasp but my therapist insisted upon it this time (and who am I to argue with the experts). Then the more I processed it, the more I began to see a whole new perspective on Mother’s Day. You see, for the almost 20 years I’ve been playing the role of mom, Mother’s Day has never once been about me or about how I want to celebrate my day, or even with whom, most years I’ve never even chosen a meal I want to eat so this year I am doing just that and more. Some people may feel the need to judge me or think I’m selfish (they too can suck it!) while those who truly understand my struggles may applaud me, but either way, it will be my day spent treasuring one of those rare occasions together, just the five of us, far away from these imprisoning walls. We have an entire day AND night of adventures planned and memories to be made which I will share with you upon our return home. Happy Mother’s Day!