Category: Guilt

The Kids Will Be Okay; But Will You?


There is still so much uncertainty right now pertaining to the rest of the current school year and for 2 of my kids this isn’t really an issue given that my son is done school already and one daughter is just completing her last few weeks of her 3rd year of University which is now being done all online, but then there is my youngest daughter who is just a few short months away from her High School Graduation and it’s beyond heartbreaking to think that she could miss out on the best and most defining moments of her High School career.

March Break is now officially over for us Ontarions and early this morning my daughter should have been returning home from her Graduation trip to Punta Cana with her friends, but instead she is at home unable to return to school for another 2 weeks, but whose kidding who, it’s going to be much longer than that and there has been quite a bit of buzz over the last few days that school could actually be cancelled for the remainder of the year.

As of right now there has not been any concrete plan put into place for this very possible and very devastating scenario, the one where my daughter doesn’t get to go to her High School Prom or attend her Graduation Ceremony but ya at least she has the accessibility to finish up her school year online if need be. 
But not every child can do so, in fact many children and their families don’t have computer or internet access in their home and have always relied on the available and free resources from our schools and libraries.

And right now many parents are panicking and rightfully so, but can we just take a step back for a moment (we have nothing better to do right now anyways). We as parents are under a tremendous amount of stress, overwhelm and anxiety about how they are going to be able to “homeschool” their children when the reality is, we aren’t meant to homeschool our kids unless that was the path you had already chosen for them. And an even bigger reality right now is that if school is to be cancelled for the remainder of the school year we honestly have so much more to be worried about than learning fractions or Shakespeare (he needs to be scraped from the curriculum all together!).

I really don’t think I need to tell you what it means if this pandemic continues right through to the summer. Right now we need to support each other as parents and remember that many parents may be doing this parenting and social distancing thing alone or maybe they are coping with the stressors that come along with having a child with special needs or maybe they are new to Canada and haven’t yet grasped the English language or maybe they are dealing with some physical or emotional issues. 

Whatever it is that someone else may be going through we need to stop judging each other. Whatever way you are able to get through today and tomorrow and the day after that, remember that you are a good parent and doing the best you can to survive these unprecedented times. 

So for now while we wait for what’s to come in the next few weeks try to focus on some kind of routine, but one which allows room for lots of flexibility and lots of outdoor recess and naptime. Now is as good a time as ever to slow down because we ain’t going anywhere anytime soon. Also let’s remember that our main objective as parents and human beings right now is to keep you and your family safe as best you can.

There will be so many opportunities for teachable moments throughout the day and maybe it will happen while you’re baking cookies, laughing at a TV show or taking a walk outside or maybe while you’re playing a game or painting a picture. Homeschooling needs to be about self-care which as I said above is much more important right now than fractions (and for sure Shakespeare; sorry to my Shakespeare fans). 

So considering my illness feels like it’s hit an iceberg and is causing me to suffer with daily headaches to boot, I will continue to try my best to be the best parent I know how by ensuring that my kids all get an A+ for doing their part in watching way too much Netflix while they help to flatten the curve.

#flattenthecurve #homeschooling #supporteachother #parenting #family #familymatters #youarenotalone #youareenough #covid19 #coronavirus #selfcare #togetherapart #pandemic #wewillneverbethesame #quarantine #netflixandchill #wheredidmommyssmilego #amazondotca

What’s Wrong?


Ya it’s no secret that I have a severe anxiety and panic disorder and ya it’s no secret that it disrupts my life daily. I’m just not sure if you can actually imagine how badly it affects my daily life and how severely it affects those closest to me either (unless you are one of the lucky ones to have witnessed it first hand). 

I feel like I’m living in a constant war zone in my own head which only amplifies how severe my anxiety and panic have become over the last few months. I’d also be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that my illness has taken a toll on many other’s lives, some of whom I drive up a wall on a regular basis because of my severe anxiety and panic but I truly feel like I just can’t help myself. 

And guess who gets to feel the brunt of it? If you guessed anyone other than Rich you guessed wrong :). Rich, (unfortunately for him) is my lifeline and my safety net and the lucky guy who gets to hear me say “What’s wrong?” on a daily basis. That phrase probably spews off my tongue at least 25 times a day but if you were to ask Rich he’d probably tell you to double that number. 

No matter what, my head is always full of catastrophic and unwanted thoughts and whether Rich is sitting right next to me minding his own business or we are miles apart it’s become a very burdensome and knee-jerk reaction at all hours of the day and night for me. I am very much aware that it has become excessive and uncontrollable but lately it feels quite warranted!

So what has Rich done to try and minimize the disruptive and very annoying (his word!) behavior and help ease his tolerance? Well probably what any caring and supportive husband would do; he mocks me in an ever so loving way by trying to beat me to the punch by texting me cute little memes during the day that are captioned “what’s wrong?” or when he enters a room that I am already in, knowing full well that I am about to shout out “what’s wrong?” (because why else would he be entering a room if it weren’t that something was catastrophically wrong) he will often yell out those exact same words but before I am able to first and once again try and beat me to the punch in of course an oh so loving way! 

What Rich doesn’t realize is that although he finds himself quite amusing (and trying to keep his sense of humour afloat), at the same time he is actually putting my anxiety and panic at ease for a moment in time as he enters a room bearing a big smirk on his face! And although it may be in jest it is actually giving me some reassurance that nothing is wrong in that moment. 

My brain is so exhausted lately and I am sleeping less and less, I’m more overwhelmed than ever lately which leaves me in a constant fight or flight mode and I am always feeling on the edge. I keep challenging my negative thoughts and worries all day long but anxiety makes fears feel legitimate and very real.  

Yup fearing something that may or may not happen can be very disruptive and very harmful to your daily life and an annoyance to those around you but I guess I am just like a boy scout who must always “be prepared”!

#endthestigmatogether #youareenough #anxiety #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #whatswrong #panicdisorder #mentalhealth #fears #itsoktonotbeok 

I Am Not Ok With This

May be triggering ***

I just finished watching a new series on Netflix called “I Am Not Ok With This”. I watched it because I had read an article about it recently and how it delves into the reality of what it feels like to be left behind following a loved one’s suicide.  I rarely watch Netflix series because to be honest I tape so much crap already that I honestly just can’t, even though there is so much more I’m missing out on but between reality TV, true crime shows, comedies and talk shows; seriously I don’t sleep as it is. 

Ok back to the reason I started writing this blog. When something catches my eye like this new series did I will invest in it. For me it’s almost like doing research for a school paper or news article. It was I believe 7 episodes in total and they were less than a half an hour each so definitely a Netflix and chill kinda series. It centered around a quirky teen who lives with her little brother and mom who works like 60 hours a week to make ends meet after their husband/father takes his life earlier that year.  The show is a dark dramedy and reminded me of a Quentin Tarantino film meets The Breakfast Club meets Carrie. Ya it was dark and every movie about teenagers trying to figure out life combined.

The series is based on a book, what a surprise! It does not necessarily centre around the father’s suicide but yet at the same time it does because the main character Syd is having a hard time grieving and unable to find any closure from her dad leaving her the way he did, and without a note. 

The writers show her devastation, anger and confusion by giving Syd superpowers which becomes her way of dealing with her emotions and destroying some of the pain and anger that is overwhelming her. Even through its quirkiness I could feel her pain and anger and her frustration and sadness when she says things like “did he think I wouldn’t need him around?” She speaks about feeling helpless for not being able to help him and asks the most painful question of all, “when will it ever get easier?”
Yes I heard the message loud and clear even through falling trees, thrown bowling balls and heads exploding (part of her super powers and definitely very Quentin Tarantino like). I heard where Syd was coming from. I saw the pain and destruction suicide of a loved one causes on a family.  My heart felt the heartbreak. I get it, I understand it, I just wish sometimes I could understand why my depression speaks a very different language in my head.

#depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #suicide #youareenough #startaconversation #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #netflix #iamnotokwiththis #netflixandchill 

I’m Not Lazy; I’m Depressed

*Could be triggering 

I’m in a pretty real funk. It’s probably safe to say that I’ve been in a funk for the better part of six years now but to be honest for the last two months I have felt more and more like my illness is beating me as opposed to me beating it. I feel defeated from the moment I wake up and I feel very little incentive to get out of bed; and it’s not because I’m lazy, it’s because I’m depressed and my depression wears a mask just like many others who suffer.

Depression creates a vicious cycle and for anyone who has ever suffered with Depression they will totally appreciate what I am saying because I want so much to thrive, I want so much to complete a simple task without it depleting me both mentally and physically, I want so much to work, I want so much to be more independent, I want so much to feel needed, I want so much to feel like I am more than just a burden to my loved ones and I want so much to feel like my life is worth living.  

Yes Depression makes me feel all those things and keeps me from thriving and doing simple tasks. It keeps me feeling like I don’t want to do anything at all and that I need to do everything all at once and then of course I beat myself up further which clearly only makes matters worse. But much of what I do or can’t do is not by choice even if some may believe otherwise, but I am truly not lazy; now laziness, now that’s a choice!

I wish that my illness was just a passing phase of feeling unmotivated to wash a few dirty dishes in the sink or to be able to drive myself to the grocery store whenever I need to but I don’t have the ability to do many simple tasks most people take for granted.

And the vicious cycle continues because if I was just lazy and not depressed then I wouldn’t have to live each day feeling like a complete failure for not washing a few dishes, I wouldn’t have to live each day feeling guilty for not driving myself to the store to pick up a few groceries and I would not have to live each day criticizing myself for all that I can’t do instead of gently reminding myself of all the things I do and can do.

#itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #laziness #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #advocate #suicide #help #startaconversation #masksoff #depressionisnotachoice #checkonyourlovedones #dontsufferinsilence #speakyourtruth 

WHAT SHOULD I  BE WHEN I GROW UP?

What do you want to be when you grow up? Well at 48, close to 49 years old I am still searching for the answer.

When I was a child I had big dreams of becoming a veterinarian because I loved animals but the problem was I sucked at science, refused to dissect a frog and not to mention that I was way too sensitive to work with sick animals. 

At one point during my days of baton twirling I wanted to become a professional baton twirler if that’s even such a thing! But after winning the Miss Congeniality award and twirling my baton in a local Santa Claus parade I was hooked. 

Of course there was the time I dreamt of becoming a cartoonist. I had sketchbooks upon sketchbooks of cartoon characters I had created and cartoon strips to go along with them. I was pretty darn imaginative and maybe even a bit funny. 

Then there was the time I really wanted to become a hairdresser (and to be honest it’s still something I long for). I would play with my doll’s hair for hours on end, styling it and giving them some pretty cool haircuts too, that was of course until I started practicing on real human hair, (I had some pretty brave friends I must say) and I was the queen of french braiding which I still am to this day (or at least my girls think so).

Oh man the list of what I wanted to be when I grew up was endless; a model, a fashion designer, a social worker, an art therapist and even a journalist. Yes almost 49 years now and still searching for what I want to be when I grow up and feeling very inadequate in so many of my life choices but if I have learned anything along my journey over the last 6 years it’s that growth is an ever-changing process and that it’s okay to keep changing and that it’s okay keep growing and that it’s okay to keep pursuing your passions, your purpose and your reason why even if it takes a lifetime and even if you have to go through hell to get there first.

#blogger #childrensauthor #writer #childrensbook #wheredidmommyssmilego  #amazondotca #helpingothers  #advocate #purpose #mywhy #youareenough #noshame #mentalillness  #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #selfcare #ichooseme #dreams #goals #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone 

Therapy: All The Cool Kids Are Doing It!!!

Today I’m having a particularly hard day. I can’t say that there’s been one thing in particular that has made the start of the new week so hard for me but often when someone is suffering with Depression and Anxiety there doesn’t have to be a good reason, it just is. I probably experienced every negative emotion known to mankind before noon-time today and cried at least three times before then as well.  

I wasn’t sure I was gonna make it past noon today with so many overwhelmingly negative and unwanted thoughts going on inside my head causing me a great amount of fear, guilt, anger and sadness to erupt all at once so I sure as hell was grateful that I had an appointment already scheduled to see my therapist this afternoon.

Over the course of my illness there has been one constant in my journey and that is therapy.  It has not always been good therapy and some of it has left me shaking my head in shock and anger and some has just been downright awful but through a lot of trial and error I finally found the perfect balance for me a couple of years ago and my lifesaver. I’m not ashamed to tell people I go to therapy (well that’s probably quite obvious by now seeing as I divulge every intimate thought and feeling to you!) and it makes me feel sad when some people are reluctant to see a Therapist or make excuses as to why they can’t see one because whether it’s going to see a Therapist, a Counsellor, a Life Coach, a Social Worker, a Psychologist or a Psychiatrist when you are feeling overwhelmed or sad should be just as normal as going to see your Doctor when you have the flu!

I know that therapy can be very expensive if not covered by OHIP (in Canada) or an insurance plan (if you even have one) and we all know that there can be long wait lists for OHIP covered Therapists and Doctors however there are still plenty of places to start if you need help right away including Distress and Crisis Helplines and Hospital ER’s. I have found myself in many Emergency Rooms, too many times now that I’ve stopped counting, but during several of those visits I have been given access to free community-based group and individual programs and sometimes I was also placed in one on one care with a Counsellor who work with outpatients.  

It’s not always easy to talk to a loved one or confidant about what you are feeling and very often when a situation is bigger than you then you may need an outsider to listen to you who can advise you from a non-judgmental place and with an unbiased perspective. A therapist et al can help to validate your experience and not make you and your problems feel unworthy while being in a safe place to process your thoughts. They will give you different tools for working through difficult situations, allowing room for your personal growth, teach you coping skills, give you insight and model for you what healthy boundaries and healthy relationships should be and sometimes just being able to say things out loud can help you understand your thoughts and feelings in a whole new way.

Until 5 years and 10 months ago I had never been to a Therapist; I never felt that I needed to but now I look at therapy or life-coaching from a totally different lens and I truly believe that at some point or another in every person’s life that seeking the guidance of a professional for a little extra emotional support could really help keep us balanced. We all go through ups and downs in our lifetime and we could all use some tweaking from time to time and there ain’t no shame in that! Oh and by the way, no matter how hard today has been for me I did not smoke!! 

If you or someone you know needs immediate help start here or go to your closest emergency room:

Toronto Distress Centres- 416-408-HELP(4357)

Gerstein Centre- 416-929-5200

Kids Help Phone- 1-800-668-6868

Please continue to follow my journey at: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com

#Smokefree #twentydays #hardday #helpline #distresscentres #therapy #therapyiscool #itsoktonotbeok #itsoktoaskforhelp #startaconversation #youareenough #noshame #endthestigmatogether #youarenotalone #mentalillness #selfcare #mentalwellness #masksoff #depression #anxiety #dontsufferinsilence

So Long January

January is behind me now and all I can say about that is good riddance to you and don’t let the cold air hit you in the face on the way out.  I had big intentions for January which included great forethought and planning after purposely taking some much needed downtime for myself for much of December. Yes January, you really let me down big time but you also taught me a thing or two about myself as well. 

I spent the month resting and for the better part of it I needed to do so in order to recuperate from my concussion but at the same time I got quite comfortable doing so, possibly too comfortable. As someone who battles with depression everyday, it’s not ideal to want to be in bed all day and night, even if you may need to.  I have to say though that one thing that helped me survive the month of January was believe it or not, Social Media.

I’m not afraid to admit it but I love Facebook and I’m not gonna apologize for it either, nor do I have any intentions to use it less, in fact I need to use it even more… intentionally.  Facebook and other forms of Social Media have become a place for me to express myself, engage in meaningful conversations, inspire and be inspired, motivate and be motivated and a place where I have created many genuine and intentional friendships as well.  

Social Media has allowed me to speak my truth, help others speak their truth and when I need a little extra emotional support I know that my online community is always there for me. Trust me I have lots of emotional support from my “real” friends and family too but just knowing how many people I have cheering me on from the sidelines is a true blessing.

Since starting my blog and publishing my book I’ve needed Social Media more than ever and I have learned how to navigate it with the greatest intent of continuing to keep building a bigger and better platform to ensure my message is heard and heard loudly. I’m having a hard time getting back on track and just so overwhelmed right now but hopefully February has much better intentions for me!  At least there is one thing I know for sure that February has in store, only 47 more days until Spring!

#bekindtoyourself #startaconversation #socialmedia #facebook #twitter #instagram #blogger #childrensauthor #wheredidmommyssmilego #amazondotca #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #courage #goodriddancejanuary #intent #intention #buildingaplatform #mentalillness #selfcare #mentalwellness

Let It Go

Yesterday was a good reminder for all of us just how fragile life truly is and that we should never take it for granted. Yesterday was also a reminder that no-one on this earth is invincible and that tomorrow is never promised. Today as the world mourns the loss of Kobe Bryant, his beautiful daughter Gianna and their seven friends that perished alongside them we must remember that Kobe was so much more than a basketball hero; he was a son, a husband, a father, a humanitarian and a legend.  One of his many mantras that he lived life by was “live today to inspire tomorrow” and boy did he ever live up to this in so many ways for so many people.

When I heard the news of Kobe’s passing through a text message from our son I was at, of all places, a Shiva for a friend’s father who had recently passed away at the ripe ‘ole age of 93.  For those of you who may not know what a Shiva is, it is a week-long mourning period in the Jewish faith which begins immediately following the burial. A Shiva allows for a parent, a sibling, a spouse and/or a child of the deceased to accept visitors during this period of mourning to give their condolences and to provide comfort to the mourners.

As the news began to spread feverishly around the world many people looked to find their own ways to comfort one another and find meaning from this tragic loss of life. And in that very moment, as I was surrounded by a room full of mourners I found comfort and meaning in one of Kobe’s many life messages as I suddenly found myself face to face with a grievance from my past by someone who had wronged me many years ago and who just so happened to be standing two feet in front of me!  In that moment I needed to make peace in my heart because after all, tomorrow may never come. I’ve held a lot of anger and resentment toward this individual for all these years but suddenly it felt so insignificant and unworthy.

Throughout the better part of my illness I have spent a lot of time examining and re-examining past relationships including this one and I know that in order for me to move forward I need to learn how to let go of the pieces of my past that affect my wellbeing the most because life is too short and so yesterday I took another step toward finding peace in my heart after our brief but purposeful encounter!  
#itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #courage #kindness #lifestooshort #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #purpose #letitgo
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

Holding Myself Accountable

So I’ve made it 12 days now without smoking a cigarette. The first week was pretty easy compared to the days that have followed. I thought it was supposed to get easier over time but clearly I was wrong. Maybe it’s because during that first week I was much less mobile still due to my concussion and once I started to feel better I began to miss it more?

That first day I quit smoking it wasn’t a rash decision, it was something I had been thinking about for quite awhile, well probably for years but that day I finally felt ready. I hadn’t discussed my decision with anyone, not even Rich because I didn’t want to disappoint him if I didn’t follow through with it but once I smoked that last cigarette in my pack and did not attempt to purchase a new pack I felt like the only way I was going to make it through day one was by holding myself accountable. 

Holding yourself accountable for something is more than just taking responsibility for your actions but in the long run it’s more about being able to answer to those actions. That is why I didn’t just send Rich a quick text message that morning while he was at work letting him know the good news, I also took to Facebook, WordPress, Instagram and Twitter to let everyone else know too! 

If I didn’t tell anyone my plan to quit smoking that day then I’d have had no accountability for my actions, I’d have had no one to disappoint if I didn’t follow through with my actions and I’d have had no real incentive for my actions. By telling you my plan to quit smoking that day has helped make the process and my progress much more meaningful knowing just how invested so many of you are in helping me achieve my goals successfully. I’m glad I have so many of you in my life to help motivate me and always keep me accountable. 
#accountability #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youarenotalone #selfcare #ichooseme #concussion #quitsmoking #daytwelve






Accepting Help Is Super Cool

It’s been a very long week for me, well to be quite honest it’s been a helluva long year so far (a whole 24 days in) and I think I need a do over. And what the heck was I possibly thinking when amidst all the chaos in my life this month I decided I wanted to quit smoking because there just wasn’t enough on my plate already! 

I’m experiencing an unbearable amount of overwhelm between recuperating from my concussion (which seems to be 99.9 % better), quitting smoking cold turkey ten days ago, tending to some very private family matters and learning how to rid both my body and mind of some very personal demons I’m fighting off so I’m kinda just barely holding on to the edge of that cliff right now (and I’m not sure if I may of mentioned too that my mother’s been in the hospital once again for the past two weeks).  

So in all reality I haven’t quite taken too many steps forward into the new year or gotten back on track like I’d hoped to and well, to be honest again, I feel like I’ve taken so many more steps backwards instead. I know I don’t give myself any credit for the things I have done because my memory is very short term and seems to only have the capacity to hold onto the negative parts. But I also know that without all the help and support I’ve received not just today or last week but over the course of my illness I’d have surely let go long ago.  

Asking for help may be looked at by many as a sign of weakness but as difficult as it may be, asking for help is actually the complete opposite.  Asking for help shows great strength, courage and bravery. When faced with mental health challenges, asking for help can be even more challenging but if there is one thing I have learned throughout my journey it’s how important it is to let your loved ones (or an entire community in my case) in because how else can they be there for you and give their support to you otherwise.

I admit, I find it very difficult to ask for help because I feel like I am enough of a burden to others as it is and even when help is genuinely offered to me I am always hesitant to accept it because well it kinda feels like you have lost all control but truth be told that theory went out the window almost six years ago for me when I basically lost control of my mind. Over time I have learned to surrender to those feelings and I know how important it is to show others your vulnerable side which takes great strength as well and once you have the ability to let your guard down you will see that even you deserve a little help sometimes.