Category: Fears

A Reminder To Keep Fighting

So the other day I wrote a blog which I hope you have had a chance to read but if not I’ll forgive you. I spoke of how I got to meet someone the other night who I have admired from afar for a long time now; Michael Landsberg. He was so incredibly kind and he truly is one of the greatest advocates for Mental Illness in Canada. He was also so genuine and focused as we spoke in length about my illness and the battles I have endured for 5 years now trying to find some relief while searching for that “one” treatment that may finally help me. He also reminded me that I can never stop fighting till that day comes, no matter what. He then reiterated this to me again in an email the next day where he recalled much of our conversation we had. As I also mentioned in my blog, Michael does a daily VLOG on his charity’s Facebook page and yesterday while I watched it I immediately felt as though he was talking right to me through the camera’s eyes, directly into my heart. I am so grateful to have met such an incredible man. Please take a moment to watch his video for me and for the millions of others just like me who are battling this deadly disease, who have lost hope and who just need a little reminder to keep on fighting.

#endthestigmatogether #youareenough #bekind #itsoktonotbeok #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #treatmentresistantdepression #sicknotweak #dailylandsblog

My Evening With Michael Landsberg

Last night Rich and I attended a speaking engagement at a nearby Synagogue in Toronto where the guest of honour was Michael Landsberg. This was just one of many speaking engagements Michael does throughout the year all across Canada and from all walks of life, but it was the first time I was finally able to attend. As many of you reading this may already know, Michael is a Sportscaster and former Anchor for TSN’s “Off The Record” and current host of an early morning radio show called “First Up” but to me he is so much more than all that. To me, and to so many others, Michael has become one of the most notable voices throughout Canada in the Mental Health community.

Through Michael’s own struggles with Depression and Anxiety over the last 20 years he has managed to turn his natural ability for public speaking toward helping others find their own voices. He became one of the first keynote speakers for Bell Let’s Talk Day at its conception and while at one of his speaking engagements about 10 years ago Michael declared, “Obviously I am sick, but I sure as hell am not weak. I am sick, not weak.” And from those very real words his not-for-profit organization #sicknotweak.com was eventually born in 2016.

#sicknotweak.com has many objectives but it’s main one is loud and clear. Michael wants the world to understand that mental illness is a sickness, NOT a weakness and he can be seen spreading this message and many other inspirational ones on his daily VLOG which he does 364 days per year (he takes 1 day off per year). He does his VLOG most days from the comfort of his own home in Toronto and is sometimes in the company of special guests like his own son who also openly discusses his struggles with mental illness too (and now his new puppy Wrigley makes a daily appearance as well and will bring a smile to your face no matter what kind of a day you are having).

I first started following Michael’s story a few years ago and I now look forward to listening to his short yet informative and heartfelt VLOG’s every day along with his many insightful posts and tweets at #sicknotweak.com and @heylandsberg. I feel very much a part of his community and I have even had several of my own blogs posted to their Facebook page in the past couple of years.

Yesterday was one of those days that my depression and anxiety were too much to handle for me (unfortunately lately I’ve been experiencing a lot more bad days than good ones) but I have wanted to see Michael speak in person for quite some time now and I have wanted to meet him even more than ever before and so last night with some much needed encouragement (from my therapist) I was able to do so and it was everything I had hoped it would be and more.

Before he began speaking to the crowd my husband and I were fortunate enough to meet him personally. I shared with him a brief look into my journey and told him how much I appreciate the work he does for the mental health community. He gave me a hug (of course he asked me first!) and we took our seats. He spoke for a good hour and followed it up with a question period from the audience where strangers shared personal anecdotes and struggles proving that TOGETHER we can end the stigma surrounding mental illness.

During the hour that Michael spoke he was witty, charismatic and beyond sincere in his message. EVERY single word that he spoke resonated with both Rich and I, almost as though we were the only two people in the room. After he finished speaking, much of the audience crowded around him to speak to him on a more personal level, some about sports and some about mental illness (he was missing the Raptor’s game for this, but it’s ok cuz they lost!). He had said to me when we spoke earlier that evening to come talk to him again afterwards and he really meant it because when it came to our turn he excused himself from the rest of the crowd and walked away with us to a more private area to talk some more.

As crazy as it may sound, I feel like I made a new friend last night, someone who I could reach out to if I ever need a little extra support from someone who genuinely understands my daily struggle and who genuinely understands what depression really feels like because sometimes speaking to someone who genuinely understands your very confusing, isolating and often frightening emotions can truly make all the difference in someone else’s day, I know it did for me.

Please follow #sicknotweak on Facebook and @heylandsberg on Twitter.

Turning My Vision Into A Dream

About a year and a half ago I sat down one afternoon to do some writing which had become a pretty regular routine by then. I felt like writing some poetry that day but it wasn’t until after I finished writing when I realized what I had written was something more than just a poem. Instead I had created the first of MANY drafts of what was to become my vision for a children’s book chronicling a journey through the eyes of a young girl trying to understand what depression is when her mom suddenly becomes ill.

As a mom who had been suffering with depression and anxiety for several years already, I had pretty good insight and understanding into the deep impact my illness was having on my kids (and husband too). And even though they were 11, 14 & 15 years old at the time my illness began 5 years ago they were still just as confused and scared as if they were 3, 6 & 7 years old. And so on that day I took the first step toward fulfilling my dream which started by doing some further research.

Upon my further research I was sadly reminded that there are not enough resources or books available to help parents, caregivers, teachers or loved ones support and comfort young children through their emotions of being both confused and scared when someone they love is suffering with depression, an illness they cannot see.

And now after 18 long months, countless hours and way too many late nights working with the most incredible, passionate and patient illustrator my dream is one step closer to coming true as I place that vision in the hands of a publisher. I hope that one day very soon many children will read my words and feel a little less confused and a little less scared knowing that they are not alone.

Depression: The Bully Within

I mentioned recently that it’s been really difficult to write lately (Blog; Writer’s Block: AKA Depression, April 11, 2019) even though I have always found writing to be quite cathartic but with so many added stressors in my life right now I find it’s become too much of a hindrance for me.

That hindrance I speak of is the bully that lives inside my head and his name is “Depression”. A bully by definition is someone who “seeks to harm, intimidate or coerce” another human being who they perceive as vulnerable. The behaviour is usually habitual and identified by a social or physical imbalance of power. For anyone who has ever experienced the cruel devastation of bullying whether it be physically, verbally or cyberly knows how easily it can leave an individual with a lifetime of scars; both physical and emotional ones.

My bully has managed to do all of those things to me which I have mentioned above and has left me with too many scars to count. Because my bully lives inside my head it knows every single emotion there is to know about me. It knows all my aspirations and dreams and it most certainly knows all of my fears and insecurities which he has used to demean me, devalue me, humiliate me and shame me time and time again.

His dominance of power over me is really taking its toll right now, more than ever. He makes me doubt everything I do more than ever. He makes me question everything I say more than ever. He tells me I’m not good enough or worthy enough more than ever and he tells me how much of a burden I am to the world more than ever.

Oftentimes when a child is being bullied others may tell them to stand up to him (or her) which may seem even more scary than the bully itself. Standing up to a bully does not necessarily mean that you need to get physical toward them (I beat myself up enough as it is) but standing up to the bully in more practical ways can help rebuild their self-esteem and self-worth. I am desperately trying to stand up to my bully but lately it just seems like a losing battle because he lives inside of me and never leaves my side.

I keep trying though and I keep writing even if it’s on a much smaller scale lately. I try desperately to ignore the bully because we all know that bullies are looking for a negative reaction from its victim. I try with some confidence to tell the bully to stop, hoping that I can intimidate him and he will leave me alone. I try to avoid certain places or situations where I know I will feel most vulnerable around my bully and I continue to talk about him even though it’s too painful sometimes. But I also know that my courage in doing so is helping many others understand that they are not to blame for their bully’s actions and that finding the strength to talk about their bullies is the most powerful and freeing tool of all.

Today Is World Semicolon Day ;

Today is World Semicolon Day. It seems like just about everyday of the week you open up your Social Media platforms we are being inundated with people celebrating some kind of a day. Many of these days are super silly or fun and many of them just give us the perfect excuse to honour someone we love like our pets or family members.

Today on World Semicolon Day I am celebrating a community, a community that I now belong to and a community that many others do too. And in its honour I am continuing to do what I have been doing now for several years which is sharing my story with you and reminding anyone who is suffering with a mental illness, along with all those who support you that we are not alone.

Most of you have probably never heard of World Semicolon Day or Project Semicolon but over the last few years it has been a very significant part of my world. For those who have been following my journey over the last couple of years through my blog may recall that I have talked about Project Semicolon before. This organization was founded about 6 years ago by Amy Bleuel who wanted to honour her late father for whom she lost to suicide. Since her foundation began, the semicolon (;) has become known worldwide as a symbol to many people who struggle with depression, addiction, self-harm and suicidal ideations “to believe that this is not the end but a new beginning.”

Sadly, two years ago Amy lost her own battle with Mental Illness too but her foundation continues to bring hope and inspiration to many others through awareness and suicide prevention using the semicolon (a punctuation mark ; indicating a pause in a sentence, not an ending) symbol. Hundreds of thousands of bodies have become permanently inked with this symbol as a daily reminder that their story isn’t over yet (;) and many others have done so in memory of a loved one who they have lost to a mental illness.

Three years ago this coming July as Rich and I were casually strolling through Kensington Market and enjoying a hot #summerofrich day we passed by a tattoo parlour. I had been thinking for some time about getting a tattoo (for the first time in my life) in honour of my mental illness (and Project Semicolon) and had been holding onto a photo in my phone representing what it symbolized to me and its significance that my story isn’t over quite yet either.

I went for it. I got the tattoo and although it’s tiny and only visible on a hot summer day when I am wearing a tank top or bathing suit, it’s truly meaningful to me which is what I believe a tattoo should be. It’s a “Chai” which I added a dot on top of in order to make a semicolon symbol as well. Chai is a Hebrew word that when translated to English simply means “Life” but also possesses a numerical significance in the Jewish religion as well. It represents the number “18” which has become a longstanding Jewish tradition of gifting, contributing or donating in increments of $18 and is considered a Mitzvah (a good deed in English) meaning “a gift of life”.

Along with its meaning of life it also carries many symbolic principles too, including kindness, thoughtfulness and selflessness which are three of the greatest characteristics a person could hold during their time on this earth. So you see my tattoo has a lot of meaning behind it and a permanent reminder of my daily struggle to continue living and how important it is to continue sharing my story with you.

*Stay tuned for the upcoming #summerofrich (it will be somewhat of an abridged one) because I have been designing another tattoo for sometime now and you never know where our journey may take us next*. And lastly, who thinks Rich and I should get matching ones?

Writer’s Block (AKA Depression)

I’ve had to force myself to sit down and do some blogging today because I’ve been totally incapable of doing much of anything this past week or more. I am exhausted and feel completely depleted. There’s a lot going on in my life right now, most of which I just can’t share, but the overwhelm of it all has generated what an author would call “writer’s block”.

Writing has become a big part of my identity over the last couple of years and more recently it’s actually become an important part of my journey. For the most part I find writing to be very therapeutic and fun but right now I am finding that it’s just causing me additional anxiety (if that’s even possible) just thinking about it. I truly love writing but given the dark and lonely place I find myself in lately, my tank is completely on empty, leaving me no motivation to write. I also find my apprehension to discipline myself to blog is creating added feelings of being a failure and of course causing me such f@cking guilt (truth be told it doesn’t take much for me to feel either of these emotions).

I have so much to write about and so much I need to write about but this so called writer’s block (AKA Depression) is making it near impossible right now. I am feeling frustrated and most definitely uninspired. My anxiety has hit an all time high lately which is only causing me to feel even more inadequate and unfocused. I am beyond the norm of overwhelm with all the shit going on in my life and the walls around me feel like they have pretty much caved in. My thoughts and emotions are completely clouded.

Ernest Hemingway was once quoted by saying “Write hard and clear about what hurts” which I truly believe has become my mantra since I began writing my blog over two years ago. Writing should be impactful and needs to come from the heart no matter what the genre. Writing also takes strength and concentration because you and only you are in charge of your own thoughts and emotions. Additionally I find that it helps me to release many of my negative thoughts and hurt right onto a crisp, blank page and all of this combined is not only cathartic and freeing but I believe this is what Hemingway is trying to tell me.

Maybe Hemingway was also trying to channel me earlier this past week when I sat down with a psychic for a few minutes the other day at a Health, Wellness and Spiritual show. I have been wanting, almost to the point of needing to speak with a psychic over the past year so when the opportunity arose I thought why not? Because it was at a show there was only an opportunity for a short, abridged session which I figured I would try first before I commit to a more in depth reading. The psychic knew nothing about me, not even my name but the very first thing he said to me was that I need to “continue writing and being creative” and that it is very important I do so for my well being. Ya it was kinda freaky, and I’m kinda a believer now and may just need to take it one step further. So does anyone know a good psychic?

April 4, 2014: It’s Been Five Long Years;(

It’s been a really tough week for me, like omfg tough. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions causing so much pain and anguish which in turn leads to very scary and intrusive thoughts. I’m used to it by now though because you see, I’ve been on this roller coaster ride for 1,825 days, 43,800 hours and 2,628,000 minutes (no wonder I feel so nauseous all time). It was five years ago today; April 4, 2014 when I headed out the door to go to work that Friday morning like any other seemingly normal weekday, but by five o’clock that afternoon my entire world came crumbling down and I have been trying to put the pieces of my life back together ever since.

That Friday morning, April 4, 2014, I was doing what I had been doing for several months. I was heading to a job that I hated. A job that made me doubt my self-worth. A job that made me uncomfortable. A job that made me question my integrity. A job that made me compromise my morals and a job that made me feel unsafe. Ok so it wasn’t so much the job itself that did all that, but in actuality it was a boss who did.

Turns out I was working for a crook, a scam artist and one mighty smooth talking jackass (actually there were two of them!). I started to realize very early on that this crook, scam artist and smooth talking jackass was doing some very illegal shit and partaking in some very immoral behaviours which included ponzi/pyramid schemes and stealing money from innocent and unsuspecting people (your welcome to google his name because it’s all there for the world to see on the world wide web).

He wooed me for several months before I decided to leave another job to start working with him. When I did eventually start working with him I was so excited and thought I had finally found a job that I could build into a thriving career. I fell for his charm (stupid, stupid me) but at least I was lucky enough to have only invested my time with him and not my money.

But on April 4, 2014 after I was asked to do something I felt was ethically and morally wrong I packed up my belongings and hightailed it out of there. I got into my car completely petrified and completely broken (but at least he actually paid me that day, unlike so many previous weeks). I drove around petrified and broken for hours upon hours while my entire family and many friends headed out all over the city trying to find me because the last thing I did after leaving my office was tell my husband I wanted to die and then I turned off my phone.

It was on that day that I lost my will to live. It was on that day that I became hopeless. It was on that day that I felt worthless. It was on that day that I realized I was a complete and utter failure and it was on that day that I discovered just how much of a burden I truly am. Something inside of me snapped that day five years ago or so it might of seemed at the time, but what I didn’t know then was I had truly been suffering in silence for a long, long time and didn’t even realize it.

A great deal of my pain and suffering is from many of the regrets I have in my life and although it’s only human to have some regrets throughout your lifetime, if they are not safely managed they can turn into depression and anxiety. Many of my regrets have left me feeling completely broken and feeling like I have absolutely no purpose in my life either. But at least now I can recognize how much power many of my regrets have taken away from me so that maybe I will one day be able to build from those regrets and find my true purpose in this world (this does not include my role as wife and mom).

Ounce By Ounce: Experimenting With Cannabis

For those of you who have been following my writing over the last couple of years may already know that I stopped taking conventional medication to treat my depression and anxiety about two years ago (Blog: Anti-Depressants; My Reality, April 2017). There were many factors involved in mine and Rich’s decision to stop taking them, but the most obvious one was that they just weren’t helping me. In fact they were doing quite the opposite for me and after experimenting with over 20 different concoctions the decision seemed like an easy one. All that the medications were doing by this point were creating even more problems both mentally and physically, and not to mention I could no longer be trusted to keep them in my possession without the worry that I would abuse their use if no one was watching over me. I just needed to sleep and take the edge off somehow, I swear!!

Although my Psychiatrist at the time (who moved to Alberta shortly thereafter) wasn’t on board with our decision he carefully and patiently weaned me off the concoction I was taking at the time. Once I completed the extremely grueling, exhausting and debilitating task of detoxing I almost felt a sense of relief except we were then left with one question; what now? So my Psychiatrist suggested medical marijuana. He wrote me a script and referred me to a clinic in which I followed up with in the coming weeks.

Let me take you back in time for a minute before I continue with my story. You see, as a teenager and young adult I never really had the desire to smoke marijuana or even drink alcohol, in fact I am to this day mostly the designated driver. Well not so much in the last few years since I haven’t driven at night in over three years and only drive the bare minimum during the day, but up until then I was for sure! It wasn’t like I didn’t have access to drugs and alcohol because I did. In fact I was completely surrounded by it. All my friends did it and boyfriends too (some quite a bit!). It was everywhere I went, but for some reason I had very little interest in partaking in these activities. But now in my late 40’s I find myself consumed by trying any alternatives I can to traditional medication so I guess desperate times call for desperate measures (and it’s legal now!).

I experimented for a while with different types of medical marijuana but quickly realized what I didn’t like about it thirty years earlier and the whole process was stressful and I still found no relief nor was it helping me sleep any better so after about six months I stopped doing it. About that same time I had been introduced to CBD oil and researched it alot until my husband and I found the right concoction (Blog: Cannabidoil (CBD OIL) My Personal Discovery Toward Wellness) from a company in the States and although it didn’t help with my sleep deprivation either, it did something more important for me. It instantaneously relieved many of my symptoms of anxiety. Within minutes of taking the drops I would feel calmer, my heart palpitations would slow down, my nausea subsided and so much more. It certainly wasn’t a cure but I could take it as many times as needed throughout the day as my anxiety levels rose and did so without getting “high”.

I am still using it today but of course like everything else in my life, it hasn’t been without drama. You see, several months ago it was banned from shipping to Canada. Ya the one and only thing in my life that gave me any sort of relief and I didn’t have access to it anymore and like a junkie would do, I began searching for any way I could get my fix. Once the ban was lifted (It’s legal in Canada so I have no clue what the hell the problem was!) we decided to stock up (I’m not the only one in my home using it), but guess what happened next, after a couple of weeks anxiously (literally) waiting for my oil to arrive, Rich gets a call from the Canadian Customs that our order had been seized at the border (I felt like we were smuggling cocaine across the Mexican border). Anyways, we were refunded our money and we reordered it again and this time it came through but then operations got shut down again for shipping to Canada and I have been left high and dry without any oil for weeks while awaiting for the ban to once again be lifted. I know you must be thinking there are so many other ways to purchase different strains of CBD oil but you see, I have not found any others with the right concoction that works for me anywhere else. Nothing with that instant relief, nevermind any relief at all (the medicinal oils take three hours to absorb in order to take effect).

So as I wait for the ban to be lifted once again (they claim will be by the end of March which is in two days from now so I’m doubtful that’s gonna happen), I have gone on to experiment with other methods of smoking and ingesting marijuana but I just don’t react well to any of it (kinda like all the anti-depressants). Nothing can ever be simple! Nothing can ever be easy!

I was introduced to another cannabis product about a month ago by a friend. It is an oil based vape pen containing only pure extracted ingredients just like my CBD oil I am so longing for which is why I decided to give it a try. However, unlike my CBD oil which is in the form of drops, this oil is vaped and also contains very high levels of THC (Tetrahydrocannabinol, basically the psychoactive part of cannabis) which also means I can only use it at night. If inhaled in just the right quantity (not to the point of feeling stoned which has happened many times while experimenting) along with my new weighted blanket (which I really like: See Blog; My Weighted Blanket, January 25, 2019) I am able to get a few solid hours of sleep some nights but I still needed more, especially to help relieve my debilitating nighttime anxiety.

So I recently decided to take my experimentation one step further and try some “weed gummies”. Let’s just say it didn’t end well. What it did end with however was Rich having to stay by my side until almost 4am that morning (with a glass of water in hand) as I hallucinated and became severely panicked, paranoid and hysterical. I couldn’t catch my breath and even had trouble swallowing for almost four hours. Thankfully all three kids had slept out that night however upon hearing about my experience the next day they were only upset that their dad hadn’t videotaped the whole thing for them to see. Oh and yes Rich regrets it too!

So for now I think it’s best that I lay off the experimenting for a while, not sure my body or mind can take much more defeat. Just make sure to keep me away from the new retail stores opening up on Monday!

Should The Media Report On Suicides?

*May Be Triggering To Some*

In the span of just one week three suicides have shattered two different communities. These aren’t just any ordinary communities but are instead the home to two of the deadliest mass school shootings in American history; Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland Florida (Feb 2018) and Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown Connecticut (Dec 2012) both suffered further devastation this week when two students from MSD (one had since graduated and was attending College) took their own lives and then just yesterday a broken hearted father from SH did so as well.

Those of us who watched these mass shootings unfold on the news (and so many others) will forever remember the horror and chaos that erupted during the time of the shootings and the aftermath of these communities trying to put their lives back together while also trying to grieve the pain of losing their loved ones in such a violent and tragic way.

So here’s the question(s) I have for you. Did reporting the suicide of 19 year old Sydney Aiello, who died a little over a week ago trigger the other young man (his name has not been released to the public) who still attended MSD to take his own life a few days later, or how about Jeremy Richman, the father of little six year old Avielle Richman who died in the mass shooting at SH just over six years ago?

Is there a connection? Did hearing of Sydney Aiello’s suicide last week give not one but two other individuals suffering similar pain and anguish the okay to end their lives too? Is suicide contagious? Is the media “inspiring” others to follow these tragic ideations? Studies have shown that individuals who are suffering with mental illness can most definitely be triggered by another individual’s suicide whether it’s a friend, a loved one or a famous person but was that the case here or was it all just coincidental?

So would we be better off not having an open dialogue about suicide? Absolutely not! And here’s why. I may say this often but it’s the truth, no two people are the same and no two journeys are the same either. And although these three individuals who took their own life may have been forever connected through similar violent tragedy, they were all on their own journey with their own truth which is why I believe it is still better to honour their lives by continuing to have an open dialogue about suicide than to sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn’t exist. So long as the messages and resources being conveyed by the media are done in a safe and healthy manner then bring it on because the more attention and the more open dialogue there is on the subject then I truly believe it can and will save lives.

What Do You Have To Be Depressed About?

To many outsiders maybe my life looks great, I mean look at all my blessings. But you see, depression doesn’t care about all my blessings and when an outsider tries to “help” me by pointing out all the reasons why I shouldn’t be depressed it only makes me feel worse and causes me to feel more guilt and even more like a burden.

J.K Rowling who is most well known as the author of the Harry Potter series, who many may not know had also suffered with depression for many years was once quoted as saying “It’s so difficult to describe depression to someone who’s never been there, because it’s not sadness.” This is possibly the biggest reason why depression can be so confusing to so many outsiders because she’s so right, depression is a lot more than just feeling sad; it’s a blackness, it’s feeling insignificant, it’s exhaustion, it’s loneliness and it’s a feeling of hopelessness all rolled into one.

To imply to a person who is suffering with depression that they have so much to be thankful for, that they are so lucky, that they should just look on the bright side or that they have such a great life may be seen by the outsider as a good intention but in reality it is actually deeply discouraging to someone battling with depression. As I said above these phrases are just creating more feelings of being a burden and more feelings of guilt.

It may also make someone suffering with depression feel like they are not being heard and that their feelings are not being validated. These thoughts from an outsider implies that the individual who is suffering have no feelings of gratitude or that they are too self-absorbed to be grateful when in reality they are just too damn exhausted trying to fight with their emotions.

Depression is not just one simple feeling of sadness but is instead a complex combination of neurological, environmental and social components leaving someone suffering with depression feeling even more misunderstood when they hear these well intentioned phrases while putting an even bigger target on the disease itself by perpetuating the stigma further and dismissing the severity of the illness.

I can’t keep apologizing for who I am or who I have become anymore. I can’t continue to feel ashamed of my mental illness anymore and I can’t live with the guilt associated with the outsiders looking in who think that someone else may “have it much worse” than me. It won’t change the fact that I am who I am or that I have what I have and with or without guilt I am just trying to do what’s best for me. And yes I am beyond grateful, thankful and lucky for all the love and support that surrounds me everyday.