Ounce By Ounce: Experimenting With Cannabis

For those of you who have been following my writing over the last couple of years may already know that I stopped taking conventional medication to treat my depression and anxiety about two years ago (Blog: Anti-Depressants; My Reality, April 2017). There were many factors involved in mine and Rich’s decision to stop taking them, but the most obvious one was that they just weren’t helping me. In fact they were doing quite the opposite for me and after experimenting with over 20 different concoctions the decision seemed like an easy one. All that the medications were doing by this point were creating even more problems both mentally and physically, and not to mention I could no longer be trusted to keep them in my possession without the worry that I would abuse their use if no one was watching over me. I just needed to sleep and take the edge off somehow, I swear!!

Although my Psychiatrist at the time (who moved to Alberta shortly thereafter) wasn’t on board with our decision he carefully and patiently weaned me off the concoction I was taking at the time. Once I completed the extremely grueling, exhausting and debilitating task of detoxing I almost felt a sense of relief except we were then left with one question; what now? So my Psychiatrist suggested medical marijuana. He wrote me a script and referred me to a clinic in which I followed up with in the coming weeks.

Let me take you back in time for a minute before I continue with my story. You see, as a teenager and young adult I never really had the desire to smoke marijuana or even drink alcohol, in fact I am to this day mostly the designated driver. Well not so much in the last few years since I haven’t driven at night in over three years and only drive the bare minimum during the day, but up until then I was for sure! It wasn’t like I didn’t have access to drugs and alcohol because I did. In fact I was completely surrounded by it. All my friends did it and boyfriends too (some quite a bit!). It was everywhere I went, but for some reason I had very little interest in partaking in these activities. But now in my late 40’s I find myself consumed by trying any alternatives I can to traditional medication so I guess desperate times call for desperate measures (and it’s legal now!).

I experimented for a while with different types of medical marijuana but quickly realized what I didn’t like about it thirty years earlier and the whole process was stressful and I still found no relief nor was it helping me sleep any better so after about six months I stopped doing it. About that same time I had been introduced to CBD oil and researched it alot until my husband and I found the right concoction (Blog: Cannabidoil (CBD OIL) My Personal Discovery Toward Wellness) from a company in the States and although it didn’t help with my sleep deprivation either, it did something more important for me. It instantaneously relieved many of my symptoms of anxiety. Within minutes of taking the drops I would feel calmer, my heart palpitations would slow down, my nausea subsided and so much more. It certainly wasn’t a cure but I could take it as many times as needed throughout the day as my anxiety levels rose and did so without getting “high”.

I am still using it today but of course like everything else in my life, it hasn’t been without drama. You see, several months ago it was banned from shipping to Canada. Ya the one and only thing in my life that gave me any sort of relief and I didn’t have access to it anymore and like a junkie would do, I began searching for any way I could get my fix. Once the ban was lifted (It’s legal in Canada so I have no clue what the hell the problem was!) we decided to stock up (I’m not the only one in my home using it), but guess what happened next, after a couple of weeks anxiously (literally) waiting for my oil to arrive, Rich gets a call from the Canadian Customs that our order had been seized at the border (I felt like we were smuggling cocaine across the Mexican border). Anyways, we were refunded our money and we reordered it again and this time it came through but then operations got shut down again for shipping to Canada and I have been left high and dry without any oil for weeks while awaiting for the ban to once again be lifted. I know you must be thinking there are so many other ways to purchase different strains of CBD oil but you see, I have not found any others with the right concoction that works for me anywhere else. Nothing with that instant relief, nevermind any relief at all (the medicinal oils take three hours to absorb in order to take effect).

So as I wait for the ban to be lifted once again (they claim will be by the end of March which is in two days from now so I’m doubtful that’s gonna happen), I have gone on to experiment with other methods of smoking and ingesting marijuana but I just don’t react well to any of it (kinda like all the anti-depressants). Nothing can ever be simple! Nothing can ever be easy!

I was introduced to another cannabis product about a month ago by a friend. It is an oil based vape pen containing only pure extracted ingredients just like my CBD oil I am so longing for which is why I decided to give it a try. However, unlike my CBD oil which is in the form of drops, this oil is vaped and also contains very high levels of THC (Tetrahydrocannabinol, basically the psychoactive part of cannabis) which also means I can only use it at night. If inhaled in just the right quantity (not to the point of feeling stoned which has happened many times while experimenting) along with my new weighted blanket (which I really like: See Blog; My Weighted Blanket, January 25, 2019) I am able to get a few solid hours of sleep some nights but I still needed more, especially to help relieve my debilitating nighttime anxiety.

So I recently decided to take my experimentation one step further and try some “weed gummies”. Let’s just say it didn’t end well. What it did end with however was Rich having to stay by my side until almost 4am that morning (with a glass of water in hand) as I hallucinated and became severely panicked, paranoid and hysterical. I couldn’t catch my breath and even had trouble swallowing for almost four hours. Thankfully all three kids had slept out that night however upon hearing about my experience the next day they were only upset that their dad hadn’t videotaped the whole thing for them to see. Oh and yes Rich regrets it too!

So for now I think it’s best that I lay off the experimenting for a while, not sure my body or mind can take much more defeat. Just make sure to keep me away from the new retail stores opening up on Monday!

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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