Category: Fears

What Does Your Best-Self Look Like?

Several months ago I mentioned a newly released bestseller called “Best Self; Be You Only Better” by Life Coach Mike Bayer who works closely with Dr. PHIL so of course I’m obsessed! It’s such an insightful book and I have found myself looking toward it for guidance in recent days as I am trying to fight off my Anti-Self more than ever before in order to become the most authentic and best version of me.
My Anti-Self which Mike talks at great length about in his book is the part of you that can easily become triggered. He tells you to own up to your Anti-Self by naming it which I have and can be summed up in one word: Depression. It’s the enemy that continuously lies to me and puts negative thoughts into my mind. It speaks to me during most of my waking hours and especially when I’m trying to sleep at night. Its unrelenting voice causes self-sabotaging behaviour, denial, hopelessness and worthlessness. It holds me back from being able to feel happy or at peace.
But I need to find my Best-Self in order to kick my Anti-Self in the butt. I need to find out who I really am, who I really want to be which is loving, fearless, joyful, strong and brave; someone who is at their core mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I need to figure out who I am meant to be as I turn the page to a new chapter right now and do so with great purpose.
Can you describe your best self. Can you describe the person that you deserve to be? What would he/she look like. Does your Best-Self have any Superpowers? I’d love to hear from you!
#drphil #mikebayer #antiself #bestself #beyouonlybetter #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #suicide #selfcare #selflove #ichooseme #youarenotalone #endthestigmatogether #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #brave #courage #wheredidmommyssmilego
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Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?

Moms Mental Health Initiative is a dedicated non profit organization which help moms (and dads) navigate through one of the most vulnerable stages of life. Postpartum depression is a very real and very serious illness and can affect as many as 1 in every 7 women following the birth of their child often stemming from a combination of hormonal changes, psychological adjustment to motherhood and fatigue. Moms Mental Health Initiative has so kindly shared my book with their community as a helpful tool or resource for families affected by postpartum depression. They offer a lot of helpful information, connect moms with many great resources and provide wonderful peer-driven support. You can reach them at: http://www.momsmentalhealthmke.org or follow them on their Facebook page if you or someone you love is in need of help.

Simply Put, I’m Emotionally Overwhelmed

I’ve always tried to be as open and honest as I can with you by sharing my most intimate thoughts and feelings but as much as I do share, there is still so much that I don’t.
Most of what I tend to keep private involves my inner circle, including my husband, my kids and my extended family. It’s just not my place to share their stories even if they may often impact my own health and wellness, that is of course until I sign a big book deal one day for a New York Times Bestseller or maybe even a movie deal for a blockbuster hit and then, well, you know, all bets are off!
When this week began I probably would have told you that it was one of the top ten best weeks of my life, after all, I now had a published children’s book on Amazon! But literally within hours of it becoming a top ten contender, it quickly became one of the most difficult weeks ever and I feel like I’m gonna explode if I don’t let it all out.
I can’t handle life’s “little” ups and downs or bumps in the road at the best of times and lately I have been taking on way more than I can chew and have been dealing with way more than I can handle (both good and bad) and plain and simply, I’m emotionally overwhelmed.
Being emotionally overwhelmed is much more than just your average feeling of stress, it can be paralyzing and right now I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like a tidal wave has swept me under the water and I have no life vest on to save me. I’m experiencing so many negative emotions all at once like anger, fear, guilt and of course good ole fashion anxiety and panic and those can all be pretty scary feelings!
Life happens, shit happens and the older we get the more “life and shit” tend to happen and when it’s out of our control you can easily reach a point of total despair.
I think I’ve reached that point this week for sure. I wish I could turn back time to a few days ago when this week first began and I thought it was gonna be one of the best one’s yet, that was of course until my husband was suddenly and without warning let go from his job on Tuesday and before my mom was admitted into the hospital last night only for the doctors to tell my brother and I (and spouses) that she can no longer live on her own and will not be released until they find her a long term care facility that can accommodate her rapidly worsening symptoms of dementia (she’s 73).
They say bad things always happen in three’s and whether or not it’s just a superstition, until the clock strikes midnight tonight and a new week officially begins, I can be found standing in front of my bathroom mirror reading all the positive affirmations I wrote all over it the other day! (See blog I posted yesterday; Mirror Mirror On The Wall)

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL

It’s no secret that I need a good kick in the pants each morning when I look in the mirror (and several more times throughout the day) because what I see is most often a distortion of reality. What I see when I look in the mirror is worthlessness, failure and helplessness.

I know what you’re probably thinking, I can see your heads shaking in confusion; asking yourself; how could she see those things in the mirror after what she just accomplished? How could she think those things after she just fulfilled her dream of publishing a children’s book? How could she possibly feel this way? Well, simply put, it’s called Depression.

A great way to describe depression is not as a feeling of sadness which many believe to be true, but more as the inability to feel joy and then mix that with a heapful of anxiety and I am left too overwhelmed to live in the moment for long.

This week there may have been a moment of joy but it was abruptly and due to very unexpected circumstances turned into deep sadness and now both my husband and I are left in need of a good kick in the pants more than ever when looking in the mirror so I decided it was the perfect time to try an experiment that I had learned in therapy.

Last night before getting into bed I wrote all over our bathroom mirror (with a dry erase marker!). Surprise Rich! And as you can see from the picture attached, I wrote lots of positive affirmations; leaving very little room for any negative self-talk to reflect through and more room to create peace of mind and joy.

I’ve never really been much into science experiments before but it’s been proven to be an effective way to improve your self-critical way of thinking. These affirmations are messages to your subconscious which perpetuate your way of thinking and believing by reading them aloud repeatedly. I guess I will take it one mirror at a time!

What are some other positive affirmations you see in your reflection when looking in the mirror?

I’m An Author

It’s really happening! My book is now available on Amazon.ca.(Canada only). If outside of Canada please email me at kimfluxgold@gmail.com

Thank you for all your endless love and support. #dreamsdocometrue #goals #visions #reachforthestars #endthestigmatogether #youareenough #children #family #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #selfcare #ichooseme #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #youmatter #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok

Creative Writing 101

Back in high school I took a creative writing course and at the time I just figured it would be an easy credit for me. As a final assignment I had to write and illustrate a children’s book and we even got to bind the book together ourselves with cardboard, construction paper, a protective covering and some glue! To this day I can’t remember the grade I actually got on it but I can tell you that it is probably the only assignment I really remember putting my full heart and sole into and it is most definitely the only one I still have with me today.

I guess there must’ve been good reason that I never let go of it. I mean, it was never published or even recognized beyond that classroom door but maybe I held onto it for another purpose. Maybe it had been nudging me for all these years from a dusty box in the basement to follow a dream I had since I was a young child when I would spend hours creating poetry and writing short stories and drawing and drawing some more. Maybe it was that high school creative writing class that allowed me to find the courage to start my blog and to go so far as to write and actually publish a children’s book. And maybe just maybe it’s a good thing that I dusted off that box in the basement and opened my heart and sole up to a lifelong dream, a dream that I can finally share with the world in less than 2 weeks!! #goals #dreams #highschooliskey #stayinschool #keepdreaming #create #writing #envision #memories #timmyandbecky #findingmypurpose #mentalillness #mentalhealth #youmatter #depression #anxiety #youareenough #courage #wheredidmommyssmilego

Am I An Imposter?

Today is the first time I have sat down to write in like 2 weeks. I hate that I feel pressured to write, I mean no one is actually pressuring me to do so except for my inner voice that keeps telling me I should write more. It’s not like I have deadlines to meet or a boss yelling in my ear to have 5 articles on their desk by Monday morning or else!!

But I like writing, it is a very peaceful activity that I can do for myself and by myself. It allows me to focus, it gives me a purpose and some new perspectives, it keeps my creative juices flowing and it’s a safe place to unscramble many of my thoughts and emotions. Writing makes things seem clearer when they are right in front of you which can often help me release some stress and anxiety in that moment too.

Not only do I love writing for myself but I also love writing for others as well. It has become my way of giving strength to many people who struggle with a Mental Illness, along with their loved ones too by sharing my own personal fight and raw emotions and giving them the courage to reach out for help in finding their own way through this dark and sometimes very lonely path. As well, by writing, I am able to shine a light on society through my own personal experiences and my own understanding of that dark and sometimes very lonely path who may otherwise have not been able to perceive or grasp the many intricate, complex difficulties that come with battling a mental illness, even if everyone’s journey is so different.

Yet one of the biggest battles I face everyday is the feeling that whatever I do, whatever I accomplish or whatever victory I achieve no matter how big or small it may seem, I feel like an imposter or a fraud. I never feel worthy of my successes or allow myself time to enjoy them and more often than not I find a way to sabotage my achievements.

Success may look and feel very different to everyone and for someone like myself who battles with depression and anxiety daily, even that one simple task completed each day is a huge success and should be celebrated. But I don’t. There is such a thing called the “Imposter Syndrome” and although it’s a real thing, it’s not something that your doctor is gonna necessarily diagnose you with, nor will they hand you over a prescription for but that “thing” is a very recognizable symptom of my illness and is prominent in most aspects of my life.

People who suffer with “Imposter Syndrome” are continuously filled with self-doubt, never allowing themselves to feel adequate. I myself can spin any success or task I complete around in a millisecond with a negative thought without even batting an eyelash. I also have a very difficult time accepting praise and compliments for my successes or tasks completed even knowing how genuine they are because I never feel worthy enough or deserving enough but I will continue to work at it. Afterall, we are all just a work in progress.

FOMO (Anxiety) VS. JOMO (Depression)

Today began as a particularly sad day. I awoke to the realization that it was the first time in a decade that we would not be making the 3 hour trek to camp to visit our kids on Visitor’s Day. We did just see our girls last weekend when they came home for a night off to help celebrate their brother’s 21st birthday surprise party, but I still couldn’t help but think of all the memories we have made together during our visits with them at camp (which was also once my home away from home), and there was no escaping my emotions when my newsfeed on Facebook has been flooded all weekend long with pictures of parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles alike making their own special memories.

This past week was exhausting, overwhelming and extremely busy to say the least which led to my immune system being compromised and ended with a visit to the doctor where he was able to prescribe medicine for my physical symptoms but was unable to help with my emotional ones, something that haunts me everyday because it’s just another sad reminder that there simply is no magic pill for me. And maybe part of my emotional pain this week was knowing that I wasn’t welcome at camp this summer because my kids are all staff now and even though I’ve had a year to prepare me for today I seemed to fall short. (see blog: Our Last Visitor’s Day; All Good Things Must Come To An End, July 23, 2018)

The funny thing is that over the past 5 years, Visitor’s Day has been very difficult for me to say the least and as much as I wanted to be there and see the happiness that radiates from their sun tanned faces, breathe in the country air and just be in the moment it’s something that is also beyond overwhelming and emotional for me too. You see, suffering with Depression and Anxiety comes into play in almost every role and almost every situation I face every day, it’s a catch 22 of sorts and there is no escaping such circumstances when you battle with FOMO (anxiety) and JOMO (depression) all at once.

FOMO for those who don’t know is an acronym for the “Fear of missing out”. It has certainly become a buzz word for many since our lives seem to revolve so much around the internet and social media nowadays. It’s a fear of being excluded, a fear that others are living a better, more fulfilling life without you, it’s a fear of making wrong choices and it’s a fear of regret. FOMO is extremely anxiety provoking and something that keeps me avoiding scrolling my Newsfeeds much these days. It is mentally draining some days. On the other hand I also suffer as I mentioned from JOMO (depression) or as the acronym states “Joy of Missing out”.

JOMO is the complete opposite of FOMO as it describes the pleasure of taking a break from others, activities and social media in order to disconnect and take care of yourself. It’s allowing yourself to be okay with taking a hiatus from the world around you and of course social media. Oftentimes it is a coping mechanism for someone like myself who suffers with depression, sometimes we have no choice but to remember that it’s okay.

So today I left my FOMO and my JOMO behind and Rich and I headed out for the afternoon, not for our usual #summerofrich hikes but for some quiet time together away from the city, breathing in some country air and just being in the moment. And we found the perfect place to do just that called Terre Bleu Lavender Farm! Hope you enjoy the pics.

Dear Evan Hansen

Dear Evan Hansen:

I just wanted to let you know just how much I have been looking forward to seeing you tonight but I’m not gonna lie to you either cuz I’m pretty overwhelmed right now in the anticipation of seeing you as well. You see, my level of anxiety has reached an all time high lately which has in turn made my level of depression feel like its reached an all time low. But keeping all this in mind I have also been waiting eagerly to see you for the last several months and during that time I’ve been able to set several small (and hopefully) attainable goals for this evening as I find myself having to do for most aspects of my day to day life. I knew that by setting several smaller goals for tonight as opposed to just one GIGANTIC one would help keep my momentum going and help build my confidence and my belief that I can and will make it through tonight no matter how many tears I shed. I also knew that by focusing my energy on several smaller goals would be a much more rewarding and much less distracting task for me.

Oh and just one more thing before I let you go as I know that you are very busy preparing for the show but I just wanted to also say thank you; thank you for being brave enough to tackle so many of the issues surrounding our youth and society in general today and for encouraging an open and honest dialogue on so many important mental health issues, many of which most others haven’t had the courage to do before. Bravo!

Now let’s get on with the show!

Sincerely Yours,

Kim

#goals #ilovemusicals #ilovethetheatre #anxiety #depression #bullying #suicide #youareenough #mentalhealth #itsoktonotbeok #youth #bravo #startaconversation #courage #yourmentalhealthmatters #youmatter #apowerfulmessage #findingyourway #breakaleg #dearevanhansen #thankyoutomylove #alongawaitedanniversarygift #summerofrich

A Hiking We Will Go

This past week has been SUPER busy and SUPER stressful for me and so today felt like the perfect day to go for a hike and recharge before the start of a new week ahead (and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky). We didn’t venture too far from home like we often do by visiting The Rouge Valley Conservation Park right beside the Toronto Zoo. We became one with nature, climbed many hills, skipped rocks, walked down several unmarked paths, got lost numerous times, jumped through rivers and even came face to face with a snake (ask me which one of us screamed louder!)

Hiking has become a way for me to try and escape from the craziness in my head during the summer months. It’s a way to help ease my day to day battle with depression and anxiety even if it’s just for a few hours at a time. Hiking also has so many powerful benefits for our bodies, minds and souls and not to mention it’s an amazing form of exercise with the added bonus of being an affordable way to disconnect from the stresses of our daily life. It can give you a whole new perspective, it’s a healthy challenge, can boost your self-confidence when you are one with mother nature and is especially beneficial when you are able to be present in the moment. As difficult as many of the trails have been that we have done in the past few years or how much pain we may feel the next day, the sense of accomplishment of completing our hike together and planning for our next adventure makes it all worthwhile.