Am I An Imposter?

Today is the first time I have sat down to write in like 2 weeks. I hate that I feel pressured to write, I mean no one is actually pressuring me to do so except for my inner voice that keeps telling me I should write more. It’s not like I have deadlines to meet or a boss yelling in my ear to have 5 articles on their desk by Monday morning or else!!

But I like writing, it is a very peaceful activity that I can do for myself and by myself. It allows me to focus, it gives me a purpose and some new perspectives, it keeps my creative juices flowing and it’s a safe place to unscramble many of my thoughts and emotions. Writing makes things seem clearer when they are right in front of you which can often help me release some stress and anxiety in that moment too.

Not only do I love writing for myself but I also love writing for others as well. It has become my way of giving strength to many people who struggle with a Mental Illness, along with their loved ones too by sharing my own personal fight and raw emotions and giving them the courage to reach out for help in finding their own way through this dark and sometimes very lonely path. As well, by writing, I am able to shine a light on society through my own personal experiences and my own understanding of that dark and sometimes very lonely path who may otherwise have not been able to perceive or grasp the many intricate, complex difficulties that come with battling a mental illness, even if everyone’s journey is so different.

Yet one of the biggest battles I face everyday is the feeling that whatever I do, whatever I accomplish or whatever victory I achieve no matter how big or small it may seem, I feel like an imposter or a fraud. I never feel worthy of my successes or allow myself time to enjoy them and more often than not I find a way to sabotage my achievements.

Success may look and feel very different to everyone and for someone like myself who battles with depression and anxiety daily, even that one simple task completed each day is a huge success and should be celebrated. But I don’t. There is such a thing called the “Imposter Syndrome” and although it’s a real thing, it’s not something that your doctor is gonna necessarily diagnose you with, nor will they hand you over a prescription for but that “thing” is a very recognizable symptom of my illness and is prominent in most aspects of my life.

People who suffer with “Imposter Syndrome” are continuously filled with self-doubt, never allowing themselves to feel adequate. I myself can spin any success or task I complete around in a millisecond with a negative thought without even batting an eyelash. I also have a very difficult time accepting praise and compliments for my successes or tasks completed even knowing how genuine they are because I never feel worthy enough or deserving enough but I will continue to work at it. Afterall, we are all just a work in progress.

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

One thought on “Am I An Imposter?”

  1. I feel this way, but subhuman. Like I see people around me, but they’re all better than me and I’m too different and the equivalent of a leper.

    Like

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