Category: Fears

State of Emergency

*May Be Triggering*


Just a few short months ago my husband was working for a company which is owned and operated in China. When the Coronavirus first hit China, several employees in his office were frequently travelling back and forth from there for both business and pleasure. The virus was still so new, so uncertain and seemingly so far away from this side of the world but precautions were immediately put into place and employees returning from China were being asked to stay home for a week and then eventually two. 

But still it seemed so far out of our reach and not so serious, especially when the employees coming back from China didn’t seem too phased by what was happening just more inconvenienced and bothered than anything else for being told to self quarantine.

So for me and probably millions of others who continued to go about their normal daily routines, just keeping one eye on the news reports, but feeling no real sense of urgency thousands of miles away; suddenly all that changed in what felt like the blink of that same eye that had been passively watching the news from a world away.

I wrote a blog just ten short days ago on March 7, 2020 titled “Should I Add It To My List?” where I mentioned how I was not allowing the Pandemic to get the better of me even after it was declared a “Global Pandemic”. I already have enough stress, overwhelm and anxiety in my life to sink a ship but I wasn’t worried about contracting the virus or that my loved ones would either and I didn’t run out panic buying toilet paper or concerning myself with all the fake news reports I was reading but as you know a lot has changed since I wrote that blog.

The world is literally changing minute by minute now, right before our eyes and with each passing moment there is more and more cause for concern, more and more uncertainty and more and more desperation. But it wasn’t until I saw the devastation unfold in Italy that it truly made this feel so real as to how quickly things can go from bad to beyond imaginable. 

I am feeling more and more helpless and completely unfocused or motivated with each passing moment and yes I have tried to turn away from the news but it’s like watching a horror movie when you try to look away but you find yourself hiding under the blanket with one eye peering out from under it; I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. The devastation our world is in right now is alarming, disappointing and yes it’s downright inconvenient to billions around the globe and not to mention right in our own backyard.

Because of the uncertain state of the world right now my youngest daughter is at home instead of enjoying her March Break with her friends on her Grade 12 Graduation trip they had been planning for their entire High School career and what’s even worse than that, with all this uncertainty going on will she even be able to attend her Prom or walk across the stage to receive her High School Diploma in June? 

And this devastation has left many people unable to work, many possibly unable to pay bills or put enough food on their table because businesses are closing their doors and nobody can really say for how long at this point. And if you’re in search of a job right now all together as my husband is, well that just adds a whole other set of uncertainty and fear into the mix. 

We are all dealing with so many mixed emotions and so much uncertainty, inconvenience and disappointment are among those emotions that we are dealing with but it’s perfectly okay to feel them all. We are only human after all; angry, frightened humans. 

But today I also find myself wondering if the world will ever be able to bounce back from this, will we ever fully recover like we have with other Pandemics (all without the aid of social media), will life as we once knew it ever be the same again? Well maybe it’s better if it’s not, maybe if we are lucky enough, when this is all over, we will be left with a gentler, kinder and more united world to live in. It’s St. Patrick’s Day after all, so let’s all go searching today for that four leaf clover in a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow and make a darn good wish when you find it! 

#pandemic #stpatricksday #stateofemergency #luckoftheirish #socialdistancing #selfcare #coronavirus #covid19 #checkonyourlovedones #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #potofgold #rainbow

Life is a Gamble

Boy did I pick the wrong decade to quit smoking. I came very close to caving today, probably the closest I’ve come in the 2 months since quitting. My mental health has gotten the best of me. I went to the store today where I’ve been buying my cigarettes for years, the woman working behind the counter asked me how I am doing and of course the tears began flowing down my cheeks as I stood there staring right through her at the shelving of cigarettes mounted to the wall above her head. I wiped away my tears, took a deep breath and decided maybe winning the lottery was a better choice for me today instead.

#ourluckhastochange #lottomax #olg #lottery #addictions #cravings #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #covid19 #coronavirus #anxiety #depression #masksoff #smokefree #sixtytwodays

We Could All Use A Time-Out

I kinda joked yesterday morning on social media that it was a great day to stay in bed because it was Friday the 13th and seeing that the world was in total chaos already it may be a good idea to do so. Boy do I wish that I had listened to my own advice because yesterday turned out to be a really difficult day, not what I will be sharing with you today. 

Now that the world has somewhat collectively hit the pause button for the time being it seems like the perfect time for us to take that time-out that I half heartedly joked about yesterday morning.

Time-outs aren’t just good for kids you know and seeing what is going on right now it couldn’t be a better time for one. I think we could all use a moment or two to “cool off”, I mean seriously have you seen the behaviour from some of us so called adults this week? 

Timeouts are a great opportunity to teach kids some valuable lessons but right now we adults could probably learn a thing or two from the kids out there before we all completely lose our minds. 

Taking a time-out is simple, although not always easy especially if you are in a full on temper tantrum. But the main goal for us to accomplish while we sit for a few moments in our time-out chair is to cool off, reflect and re-enter ready to effectively deal with whatever conflict has arisen.
You may need more than a few minutes of time-out depending how conflicted or angry you are feeling and it’s okay and I’m sure you have good reason too, unless of course it’s from fighting with someone in the grocery store over toilet paper! 

We are all genuinely feeling more frustrated than normal, more anxious than normal, more sadness than normal, more disappointed than normal and definitely more annoyed than normal all of which can turn to anger and much of which can turn toward others who we love.  

So take that time-out; maybe go for a walk, go meet a friend for a quick coffee, go punch a punching bag. Have your tantrum, sit in your time-out chair and cool off because right now more than ever we all need to be able to stand united to conquer the biggest conflict we are facing together and we can’t do it if we are trapped while waiting in a long line at the grocery store to buy toilet paper that someone else needs more than we do.

#adults #conflict #anger #tantrums #tempertantrum #timeout #youareenough #covid19 #anxiety #breathe 

Anxious over Corona

Yesterday was a difficult day for many and I know that there was alot to take in and that new information was being thrown at us from every news source; pretty much on an hourly basis. So it’s perfectly understandable that our level of anxiety may be higher than normal today. This is all very unprecedented territory and still very much unknown. I have compiled a list (through several Mental Health Experts) of some ways for us to cope with this type of anxiety. 

1.Take a break from the news or limit the amount of time you spend watching it, and try to filter it out online. Also please remember that half of what is being shared on Social Media is not always the truth.
2. Talk to someone (or text) about how you are feeling. Sorting out your emotions and feeling supported by loved ones is so helpful. Keeping your feelings bottled up will only cause you to  spiral further. 
3. Try to be present in the moment. If you are feeling anxious about catching the virus just let yourself know that right now there is no immediate threat to you and use lots of positive affirmations to remind yourself that you are safe.
4. Start journaling and writing down your thoughts and feelings of gratitude.

It’s ok to feel anxious or angry, or have difficulty sleeping or concentrating but the best thing we can all do right now is to keep washing our hands and following all the required steps to try and stay healthy for ourselves and our loved ones and remember that not every cough and sneeze means someone has Corona!

#selfcare #washyourhands #checkonyourlovedones #talktosomeome #justthefacts #coronavirus #covid19 #anxiety #youareenough  #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #pandemic #overwhelm #vulnerability #mindfulness

What’s Wrong?


Ya it’s no secret that I have a severe anxiety and panic disorder and ya it’s no secret that it disrupts my life daily. I’m just not sure if you can actually imagine how badly it affects my daily life and how severely it affects those closest to me either (unless you are one of the lucky ones to have witnessed it first hand). 

I feel like I’m living in a constant war zone in my own head which only amplifies how severe my anxiety and panic have become over the last few months. I’d also be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that my illness has taken a toll on many other’s lives, some of whom I drive up a wall on a regular basis because of my severe anxiety and panic but I truly feel like I just can’t help myself. 

And guess who gets to feel the brunt of it? If you guessed anyone other than Rich you guessed wrong :). Rich, (unfortunately for him) is my lifeline and my safety net and the lucky guy who gets to hear me say “What’s wrong?” on a daily basis. That phrase probably spews off my tongue at least 25 times a day but if you were to ask Rich he’d probably tell you to double that number. 

No matter what, my head is always full of catastrophic and unwanted thoughts and whether Rich is sitting right next to me minding his own business or we are miles apart it’s become a very burdensome and knee-jerk reaction at all hours of the day and night for me. I am very much aware that it has become excessive and uncontrollable but lately it feels quite warranted!

So what has Rich done to try and minimize the disruptive and very annoying (his word!) behavior and help ease his tolerance? Well probably what any caring and supportive husband would do; he mocks me in an ever so loving way by trying to beat me to the punch by texting me cute little memes during the day that are captioned “what’s wrong?” or when he enters a room that I am already in, knowing full well that I am about to shout out “what’s wrong?” (because why else would he be entering a room if it weren’t that something was catastrophically wrong) he will often yell out those exact same words but before I am able to first and once again try and beat me to the punch in of course an oh so loving way! 

What Rich doesn’t realize is that although he finds himself quite amusing (and trying to keep his sense of humour afloat), at the same time he is actually putting my anxiety and panic at ease for a moment in time as he enters a room bearing a big smirk on his face! And although it may be in jest it is actually giving me some reassurance that nothing is wrong in that moment. 

My brain is so exhausted lately and I am sleeping less and less, I’m more overwhelmed than ever lately which leaves me in a constant fight or flight mode and I am always feeling on the edge. I keep challenging my negative thoughts and worries all day long but anxiety makes fears feel legitimate and very real.  

Yup fearing something that may or may not happen can be very disruptive and very harmful to your daily life and an annoyance to those around you but I guess I am just like a boy scout who must always “be prepared”!

#endthestigmatogether #youareenough #anxiety #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #whatswrong #panicdisorder #mentalhealth #fears #itsoktonotbeok 

Should I Add It To My List?

I have anxiety over just about everything, I mean jeewhiz, my anxiety even has anxiety! There are very few moments in my day where I don’t feel some type of anxiety or even worse; panic. I’ve seriously had 2 anxiety attacks already today and I haven’t even gotten out of bed yet, but then why is it that I seem to feel nothing when it comes to the worldwide pandemic surrounding the Coronavirus.

I’ve got some friends who have some pretty serious fears when it comes to contracting the virus and maybe since it’s actually surfaced right in our neighbouring communities their fears are very valid and legit, yet still I don’t seem to be concerned. 

I watch the news and see people stockpiling toilet paper and bottled water just in case there’s the slim chance that they are quarantined. We will still have running water in our home if that happens though, won’t we? And seriously how much toilet paper do you really think you will need? Not that I have to worry since Rich already has a secret obsession with buying toilet paper so I know we will always have enough!

Boy, whoever thought I’d be the rational one of the bunch, giving advice to others on how to stay calm. I didn’t know I had the ability to stay calm about anything. But here I am as calm as can be, not listening to “fake news”, (unless it’s coming from Trump’s mouth because that’s more for the entertainment value) and just sticking to reliable sources of information instead. 

Wash your hands with soap and water lots, avoid touching your eyes, nose and mouth (which is really hard to actually do if you start to consciously think about it), avoid contact with sick people and if you feel sick stay the fuck home! All common sense everyday habits that have applied to help prevent the spread of many flu’s and viruses since the beginning of time. 

Maybe I should have more anxiety and panic about the Coronavirus but maybe I don’t because maybe deep down inside my illness would welcome a two week quarantine, I mean it doesn’t sound all that bad, does it!


#coronavirus #covid19 #pandemic #anxiety #virus #washyourhands #quarantine

An Evening of Spiritual Healing

I often have very good intentions by setting my mind on a task or by making a plan to do something in advance but then my illness tries to make other plans for me instead and last night was no exception. I was determined however to not let my illness stop me from attending a Healing Service at a Synagogue in Toronto that I’ve had in my calendar for the last couple of months and thanks to Rich I made it. We had originally planned to attend the January service but unfortunately it was just a few days after my concussion happened and so I made a promise to myself that I would make it to the next one, which was last night. 

The Healing Services are part of the Centre for Spiritual Well-Being at the Synagogue and are meant to help those of us who “feel broken, turn to our tradition for strength and renewal” and “enrich our lives and strive for a sense well-being.”

Along my journey I have had the privilege of meeting many incredible people, some of whom have left an everlasting impact on my life in some way or another and the Rabbi leading  the Healing Services has quickly become one of those incredible people for whom have left an everlasting impact on my life. She is a true Spiritual Leader with so much empathy and kindness in her heart.

I am not a religious person by any means, in fact if you follow my blogs religiously (that is what I call a play on words!) you will know that both my husband and I have struggled to find a place for God in our lives over the last several years but since meeting Rabbi Fryer Bodzin this past fall I have definitely found a place in my heart for Spiritual Healing. 

Spiritual Healing (which is not defined by one religion or by one God) is more about finding a connection to something greater than ourselves and could be in a form of friendship, or being part of a community or even by a higher power. Spiritual Healing can help revitalize both our body and mind and also help us to find more meaning and purpose in our life.

I felt a sense of belonging last night, I felt a sense of friendship last night, I felt a sense of community last night and I even felt a sense of a higher power last night; a very loving and caring one as we delved into “The Mindful Way To Happiness”. 

With Purim being less than a week away the Healing Service tied into the spirit of the holiday and the meaning behind the month of Adar which is the month in which Purim takes place on the Jewish Calendar. When you think of Purim you can’t help but feel happy and the month of Adar is meant for us to  “increase in joy and happiness”.  

I spent the evening listening and being mindful. I took comfort in hearing stories of other people’s healing. I heard reflections of how to face adversity and fear in the face, how important it is to seize the moment and how pursuing our dreams is key to finding happiness, something which has been a very big struggle for me along my journey.

I chose to sit quietly and just observe last night, soaking it all in because I quickly became overwhelmed with emotion and found myself fighting back tears for the better part of the evening. But as the evening was coming to a close and Rabbi Fryer Bodzin led us through one last exercise, a mindfulness one, she had me smiling from ear to ear.
 
#spiritualhealing #healing #rabbi #spiritualleader #purim #adar #spring #joyful #happiness #mindfulness #kindness #empathy #bethtzedeccongregation #youareenough #mentalillness #wellbeing #mentalwellness #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #depression #anxiety 

The Big 5-0

Fifty days smoke-free today! 50 is a pretty big number don’t ya think? But I’m not gonna lie, the road to get here has not been an easy one. There has been an exorbitant amount of overwhelm in my life over the last 50 days. Many days I’ve wanted to “quit” quitting smoking, many days I’ve walked by second hand smoke and inhaled it, only dreaming of lighting up myself but the cravings are getting less and less each day and so too are my triggers.

Addiction of any kind is difficult to maneuver and is a constant battle; kudos to everyone who conquers their quest every single day. I don’t know if there will ever be a day where I don’t think about smoking but for today I choose to crush my cravings and not give into temptation!

So for today can I get a Woot Woot or a high five please!! 👐🤜🤛🙌✊

#fiftydays #nextgoalonehundreddays #smokefree #crushyourcravings #iquit #youareenough #ichooseme #addictions #highfive #wootwoot

I Am Not Ok With This

May be triggering ***

I just finished watching a new series on Netflix called “I Am Not Ok With This”. I watched it because I had read an article about it recently and how it delves into the reality of what it feels like to be left behind following a loved one’s suicide.  I rarely watch Netflix series because to be honest I tape so much crap already that I honestly just can’t, even though there is so much more I’m missing out on but between reality TV, true crime shows, comedies and talk shows; seriously I don’t sleep as it is. 

Ok back to the reason I started writing this blog. When something catches my eye like this new series did I will invest in it. For me it’s almost like doing research for a school paper or news article. It was I believe 7 episodes in total and they were less than a half an hour each so definitely a Netflix and chill kinda series. It centered around a quirky teen who lives with her little brother and mom who works like 60 hours a week to make ends meet after their husband/father takes his life earlier that year.  The show is a dark dramedy and reminded me of a Quentin Tarantino film meets The Breakfast Club meets Carrie. Ya it was dark and every movie about teenagers trying to figure out life combined.

The series is based on a book, what a surprise! It does not necessarily centre around the father’s suicide but yet at the same time it does because the main character Syd is having a hard time grieving and unable to find any closure from her dad leaving her the way he did, and without a note. 

The writers show her devastation, anger and confusion by giving Syd superpowers which becomes her way of dealing with her emotions and destroying some of the pain and anger that is overwhelming her. Even through its quirkiness I could feel her pain and anger and her frustration and sadness when she says things like “did he think I wouldn’t need him around?” She speaks about feeling helpless for not being able to help him and asks the most painful question of all, “when will it ever get easier?”
Yes I heard the message loud and clear even through falling trees, thrown bowling balls and heads exploding (part of her super powers and definitely very Quentin Tarantino like). I heard where Syd was coming from. I saw the pain and destruction suicide of a loved one causes on a family.  My heart felt the heartbreak. I get it, I understand it, I just wish sometimes I could understand why my depression speaks a very different language in my head.

#depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #suicide #youareenough #startaconversation #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #netflix #iamnotokwiththis #netflixandchill 

Taking A Leap Of Faith

Next month on April 4, 2020 it will be exactly 6 years since I have held a full-time job because it was on that fateful day in 2014 that I walked away from a very toxic and fearful situation at my place of employment and it was on that very day that my life began to unravel, and quickly.  It was on that day that I lost my will to live and I have struggled to find meaning and purpose in my life ever since. I have spent the last 6 years feeling worthless and nothing more than a burden and failure to those who love me.

My illness has taken me down many unpaved and bumpy roads along the way and I have been met with one roadblock after another but at the same time my illness has also opened up so many new and unimaginable possibilities, none of which would have ever happened if not for my illness. Because quite frankly if you were to have asked me 6 years ago if I would have started writing a blog or been able to self-publish a children’s book I’d written on any given topic, let alone, Depression, I’d have looked at you like you were the crazy one!

So I guess that in many ways my illness has helped me find some meaning and some purpose in my life after all because I do know that both my blog and my book have made an impact on many people’s lives and when I’m not too busy putting myself down with all the negative self-talk I can actually feel that impact in my heart and it feels good. It feels so good to know that I have helped make a difference in someone’s life which is why about two and a half weeks ago I decided to take a leap of faith. I certainly didn’t make the decision alone, I consulted with several confidants and loved ones first because if left up to me that same negative self-talk would have slammed the door right in my face.

I’ve mentioned many times through my writing how I feel as though I took so many wrong paths in my life and that I never pursued my passions or desires which ultimately has left me feeling like a worthless failure and a burden to my loved ones for the past 6 years.  So a couple of weeks ago when I came upon a job posting on a local Not For Profit organization’s Facebook page that I follow (and who had taken the time several months ago to post my book on their Social Media channels), it caught my eye and by the time I finished reading the posting I saw my name written all over this job. 

I mean, helping others through my own lived experience with mental illness, isn’t that what I do now?  Isn’t this the path that my illness has led me to? Isn’t this why I started writing my blog or turning a silly idea for a children’s book into reality?  Isn’t this the meaning and purpose I’ve been searching for? Well I only had 24 hours left to answer those questions and many more because by the time I saw the posting on Facebook the deadline was the following day at 5pm. But before I could even take a breath, Rich had already dusted off my resume and began helping me update it (adding children’s book Author did feel quite empowering). I had to take that leap of faith, there seemed to be no turning back after getting so much support and encouragement from loved ones, even my kids seemed excited for me.

For those of you who aren’t sure what the meaning of “leap of faith” is, it’s that if you take a leap of faith you are doing something even though you are not sure it is right or that you will succeed. Well once I hit the send button then began the endless negative self talk again, I mean it chatted up a storm for hours. How could I ever commit to a full time job? I am a failure so why would anyone ever hire me? Oh ya it got even worse, and then I put it out of my head because, well why would they even consider my application? That was until Friday afternoon when I received an email that they would like to meet me next week. I’ve got a whole list of reasons that my negative self talk has told me why I can’t do this job, but I guess now I need to come up with the one reason to prove why I can.

#itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #courage #livedexperience #leapoffaith #purpose #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #blogger #advocacy #wheredidmommyssmilego #amazondotca #author #childrensbook #empowerment #selftalk #selfcare #ichooseme