Category: covid 19

Where Do I Go From Here?

It’s been thirteen months now since I first launched my children’s book “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” which was a dream come true for me and had it not been for my illness, I can almost guarantee you that it may never have happened; nor would I have found myself pursuing my love of writing, advocacy or helping others either.

But about seven weeks ago that dream which I had worked so hard to make come true for some eighteen months prior all came to a crashing halt in an instant. I wrote a Blog at the time titled “A Labour of Love” where I explained how one evening back in July I found out (purely by accident) that the seemingly well established (twenty six years in business), highly recommended Publishing company that I used to self-publish my book had vanished without a trace with not even so much as a heads up to its clients. 

I was left feeling completely defeated and it has taken a huge toll on my health and safety over the last many weeks. Not only did they close their doors for good (which I may have felt empathy for had they handled it bravely) they also disconnected any and all hope of contacting them and to add even more salt to the wound they also took with them my remaining inventory/and very generous Grant money I had received in good faith by a well known and very prominent Mental Health Foundation. So completely defeated is an understatement as to what this has done to my health and the future of my book.

I still have some copies of my book in my personal possession (so feel free to contact me if you would like a copy!). However last week I had to make the very difficult decision to close down my account on Amazon because the publisher was who held most of my inventory/money in order to replenish the Amazon site and well it seemed pointless to keep my account open without having books to actually sell. 

So what now? Well now I have to start over by having my book re-published somewhere else (even though my current state of mind has been telling me to just give it up). And why does my mind keep telling me to just give it up? Well without going into great detail, the long and short of it is that right now I don’t have any extra funds that it would take to re-publish my book and at this moment in time is a cost that I cannot afford. 

About a month or so ago I began exploring and researching some opportunities that I could do in order for me to make some extra income to help my family out right now (my husband lost his job close to 7 months ago) and to also work toward my goal of re-publishing my book as well. As many of you know I have an entrepreneurial spirit in me and I love to sell many different products over the years but I knew that in order to ensure success I would need a product that brings me passion and purpose. I knew I needed to find something that could add value to my advocacy and I knew I needed to find something that would inspire me on my journey toward wellness.

That was when I found Origami Owl, a jewelry company that completely aligns with my journey. They have a strong sense of community and their mission is to empower women of all ages and to help make a difference in the lives of others. They sell lockets and charms that help tell your story, they have an Empowerment Collection that have inspiring messages of hope, a program and mission called Force For Good which motivates us to do good and the profits from this collection are donated to charities from all over Canada and the US including Autism, Domestic Abuse and Breast Cancer. They have a young entrepreneur program as well that helps young women between 11 and 17 years old to aspire and dream and most recently one of those young entrepreneurs created her own charm to add to the collection called “You Are Loved” and is a semicolon intertwined in a heart which represents Suicide Prevention and 100% of the proceeds go to support Suicide Prevention and Awareness. 

And if all this wasn’t enough reason for me to join Origami Owl, Disney has just partnered with them and will be launching a collection later this month (if you know me well, you will know how much I LOVE Disney and especially MICKEY MOUSE. 

I have attached several pictures but there are 100’s more pieces available so please feel free to check out my website: https://kimfluxgold.origamiowl.ca and thank you as always for your continued love and encouragement along my journey.

https://youareenough712.wordpress.com

#youareenough #origamiowl #jewelry #inspiringothers #empowerment #myjourney #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #advocate #endthestigmatogether #wheredidmommyssmilego #author #blogger #disney #mickeymouse #suicideprevention #nationalsuicidepreventionawarenessmonth #projectsemicolon #forceforgood

A Purposeful #Summerofrich

The “Summer of Rich” began a few years ago as nothing more than a silly declaration from Rich one early morning at the end of June as he waved goodbye to the kids (with tears of joy in his eyes) as they boarded a bus for the entire summer away at camp. 

For Rich that moment meant he now had 7 glorious weeks ahead of him to catch his breath and push the reset button because as I have mentioned many times before that for the last 6 years he has had to take on both the roles of Mom and Dad, along with that of chef, maid, chauffeur, Psychologist, designated Schlepper and countless others too.

But this past May right after we found out the girls (Jacob now works full-time as an Electrician) would not be going away to camp this summer due to Covid-19 I wrote a blog titled “Should The #Summerofrich Be Cancelled Too?” (May 27, 2020) and what it meant for the #summerofrich this year. 

Since its conception a few years back, the “Summer of Rich” has evolved in many different ways; it’s even got its own hashtag which often gets special shout-outs by its many “adoring fans” who seem to genuinely enjoy following our adventures; so how could we disappoint them?

I may have needed to make several amendments to our itinerary this summer and we definitely had to adapt to many other changes because of Covid-19 and having the kids home all summer which also meant that there was much less of an opportunity for Rich to have some well deserved time to breathe or a push of the reset button but through the many amendments and other changes this summer I truly believe that in many ways, the #summerofrich may have actually evolved into something much deeper and with an even more meaningful purpose.

#summerofrichcoronaedition #labourdayweekend #itsstillsummer #youareenough #nature #hiking #therapeutic #selfcare #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #nationalsuicidepreventionawarenessmonth #silverlinings #iloveyoutothemoonandback #silvercreekconservation #brucetrail

September Is National Self-Care Awareness Month

For many of us September symbolizes new beginnings, refocusing of our energy and lots of change. With a new school year set to resume and a new season upon us very soon, this September also brings with it a whole lot of added fear of the unknown and so much uncertainty.

September is “National Self-Care Awareness Month” and during a time in our lives that is driven by a whole lot of added fear of the unknown and so much uncertainty, self-care and self-awareness are super important (more than ever before) to our wellbeing. 

As most of you know by now my life has been on a pretty steady downward spiral over the last several weeks and I am still having a very difficult time right now just trying to get through another day. And even though I know how essential self-care is for our wellbeing I have to keep reminding myself of this daily. 

We often neglect our own wellbeing by putting the needs of others first and we often forget that setting healthy boundaries can be extremely beneficial to us as well. Practicing self-care and being self-aware is not selfish, it is simply enabling you to pay attention to your own feelings and to be able to relay your needs to others; without guilt.  

Self-care isn’t just for a person or persons who may be feeling overwhelmed or vulnerable, nor should it be something you reward yourself with just for achieving a goal; self-care is important for everyone and is an ongoing process. It could even be as simple as taking a nap, reading a steamy novel, listening to your favourite song or eating a bowl of ice cream for supper. 

What are some of your favourite self-care practices? Do you think you could come up with a list of 30 ways that you can practice self-care in the month of September? (one for each day of the month)

#selfcare #selfawareness #ichooseme #loveyourself #takecareofyou #itsseptember #nationalselfcareawarenessmonth #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #suicideprevention #suicideawareness

Where Do I Belong?

***May be triggering to some***

I wanted to start by saying thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who reached out to me and my family last night (and today) and for all your heartfelt messages and good wishes.  

The other day I posted a blog titled “Home Alone” where I touched upon my current state of being and how much I had both welcomed and appreciated having the entire day and night all to myself on Wednesday. It was the first time in a long, long time that I felt any sense of ease but then sadly, by the next morning, I was right back to where I had been, only now it felt much worse. 

By the time I woke up Thursday morning I felt even more guilt, I felt even more sadness, I felt even more anxiety (can’t believe that’s even possible), I felt even more anger, I felt even more of a burden and both my mind and body felt like they could no longer co-exist because I no longer felt like I belonged anywhere and I just needed the pain to finally go away; this time forever.

I have said many times before that I suffer with suicidal thoughts and ideations pretty regularly (probably daily) and I have acted on these urges several times over the course of the last 6 years but by Friday afternoon the voices in my head had become so unbearable and more graphic than ever; and yes I had a plan. 

By midday Friday Rich was very concerned for my safety (and rightfully so) that he reached out to my therapist for support and guidance (unbeknownst to me). She then called me so that we could talk through it and strongly suggested that I go to emerg, which I eventually relented to.

I’m not gonna lie when I say that hospitals have become a very scary place for me due to many difficult and frightening experiences I’ve encountered over the last many years relating to my illness and last night was no different, except it kinda was (because everything in the world is different these days).

After speaking with the Emergency room doctor who promised me he would not put me on a form (a 72 hour hold) he had me wait in a quiet room alone until a member of the crisis team could come speak with me and assess my situation further (they are busier than ever these days). 

I spoke with her for quite a while and felt much calmer for doing so but by the end of our conversation she recommended that I be admitted to the inpatient ward (which was when my PTSD kicked in to full swing). She was also very honest with me as well. She let me know that because it was the weekend there would be no access to any kind of supports until Monday, except for what she described as a brief meeting with the “on call” weekend Psychiatrist within the first 12 hours of admission (I should know all this by now). It also meant me having no “privileges” to come and go off the floor, no phone (which is where I do most of my writing), and as she started to explain all of the added Covid related restrictions I felt a panic attack coming on and thought that being admitted was actually going to cause me more harm than good.

She was completely understanding to my hesitation and overwhelm and told me the decision was mine to make and that they would be there for me anytime I felt the need to come back. She was especially understanding to my hesitation and overwhelm when I voiced my concerns relating to medication which as I know firsthand is a huge part of most treatment plans in a psych ward. I have not been on medication in quite some time as most of you know by now as it was way more detrimental to my health both physically and mentally than it was good.  I’ve been on over 20 concoctions of medication over time which only caused me further issues (including suicide attempts) and so it is no longer an option for me.

I am home for now and trying my best to rest (I didn’t sleep last night) and I need to figure out where I go from here. I no longer know the difference between right from wrong and I no longer know where I even belong anymore. It’s a very scary feeling not knowing where you belong or what’s right from wrong but what I do know is that as broken as I feel right now, I also know that I have the most incredible support system to hold my hand every step of the way.

Thank you again for being part of my journey: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com 

***If you or someone you love is in crisis please talk to someone immediately. ***

#youareenough #thisisreallife #endthestigmatogether #youarenotalone #dontsufferinsilence #mentalillness #mentalhealth #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #suicideisnotselfish #sicknotweak #masksoff #mentalexhaustion #checkonyourlovedones 

Home Alone


I don’t remember the last time I was home alone for more than maybe an hour since mid February which is well before Covid-19 hit; and sadly there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight right now. 

Over the last month both my depression and anxiety symptoms have made me feel even more overwhelmed and vulnerable than ever and my thoughts of suicide have become more and more vivid as well which has left me urgently begging for a break from all of the day to day chaos that has been erupting behind the scenes at home.

So first thing this morning Rich and the girls headed up north to spend the day with friends at their cottage (Jacob worked all day and then went to his baseball game), leaving me home ALONE for the whole day and night! And even though I had 2 appointments previously scheduled for this afternoon (one being the always enjoyable Mammogram) that I needed to go to I was still able to spend most of my day just being mindful. 

I went for a long walk in the morning, I ate whatever I wanted (Fyi: Mac & Cheese for supper is still one of the best comfort foods around), I read, I did some writing, I went to both of my appointments and I enjoyed some much needed & very peaceful “me time”.

For the last 6 years I have felt as though I have failed as both a parent and a partner. I have spent all these years feeling like a burden to my family and I am consumed by guilt day in and day out. I blame myself for every bad thing that happens to the people I love and cherish the most and no matter how hard I try I feel completely worthless almost all of the time. 

Me wanting and needing to have just one day to de-stress a bit and spend a day by myself so that I could try to loosen the noose around my neck (it’s a figure of speech!) seems selfish to some and probably makes me look like a bad mom and wife to others but I keep trying to remind myself how important self-care is (remember you should always put the oxygen mask on yourself first on an airplane) and even if one day won’t make everything better, it’s certainly a great place to start. And I’m pretty sure from the sounds of it that today was a pretty great day for some much needed rest and rejuvenation up north as well.

I’m going to go now and enjoy my last few hours of alone time while I get ready to watch “Big Brother” and “Married At First Sight” which are my Wednesday night favourites.

Do you ever feel like you have failed as a parent or as a partner? Does it consume you with guilt? Shame? 

#selfcare #ichooseme #youarenotalone #bekindtoyourself #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #selfcareisnotselfish #endthestigmatogether #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression #anxiety #masksoff #suicideprevention #ilovemyfamilytothemoonandback

More Than Skin Deep

Thank you Hannah for giving me the most meaningful and symbolic gift tonight and for making it feel truly extra special by sharing in this moment with me.

As most of you know, the words “You Are Enough” have become my personal mantra throughout most of my journey. It’s a positive affirmation that motivates and inspires myself and others to be who you are; on purpose and with purpose. It’s a gentle reminder to us all that “You Are Enough” just as you are, even when a broken wing may make it difficult to fly sometimes.  

Many people only see a tattoo as being skin deep but for me the significance of our tattoo (and my first tattoo I got 4 years ago 😉 goes much much deeper. 

The words “You Are Enough” are now permanently etched in our skin (and are expressed through my own handwriting) and will always and forever be a valuable and visible persuasion for both Hannah and myself as well as anyone else seeing it who may need a soft-spoken and kindhearted reminder somedays that “You Are Enough” because you are already you! 

#youareenough #morethanskindeep #selfexpression #tattoos #motherdaughter #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #endthestigmatogether #youarenotalone @piranhatattoo

Going On A Bear Hunt

Today’s #summerofrich adventure was quite the adventure.  We headed to a trail near Port Perry and when we got there it was closed (the website gave no indication that it was closed), so we went to another trail a bit further away; and guess what? it was closed too! (Again no mention of it on their website; but it was under construction).

By this point we figured since we had come all that way we might as well venture to yet one more trail (I mean what are the chances it would be closed too!). Thankfully it was not; Yahoo!!! As we reached the start of the trail we saw a sign that read (in pics) “beware of bears”! Ya well who doesn’t like to be a bit “risque” sometimes so off we went into the forest, but with every step we took we started to get more and more nervous (well Rich did lol) which was only about 5 minutes into our hike.

There were no other hikers in sight (maybe they had already been eaten by a bear) and we tried hard to ignore every rustling sound coming from the woods but THEN we came upon piles and piles of bear poop (Don’t worry I saved you from any pics!). So it was at that very moment that we hightailed it out of there and back to safety!

It looks like a hike just wasn’t in the cards for us today (good thing I did an aqua fit class this morning) and instead we headed to Port Perry’s Main Street and walked along the Pier and did some window shopping instead (that’s pretty mindful in my opinion, wouldn’t you agree?) which is where our adventure continued.

Once we had enough window shopping we decided to grab a quick bite to eat on a patio close to the water which was also our first time doing so since patios opened back up. We placed our order and THEN came the lightening, the thunder and soon followed by a terrestrial downpour!

Luckily the umbrella over the picnic table kept us pretty dry for most of the time (and it was too late to make it back to the car anyways), but then the wind turned directions and we were getting soaked! 

You can’t fault us for trying today, it was certainly a memorable day and nothing a big scoop of peanut butter and chocolate ice cream from one of the local shops couldn’t fix.

#summerofrichcoronaedition #nohikingtoday #bewareofbears #imisspatios #portperry #scugogtownship #icecreamyouscream #peanutbutterandchocolateicecream #thunderandlightening #youareenough #mentalhealth #mentalwellness

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends


The week we first went into lockdown 5 months ago this week (in case you’ve forgotten!) I had an appointment scheduled with my Psychiatrist to begin a new treatment. The decision for me to even attempt yet another new treatment was not an easy one to make, especially since it’s still quite new and not very accessible to the general public as of now; and not to mention that I had already been part of a clinical study for a more invasive version of the same treatment several years earlier during a hospital admission that I needed to stop immediately. 

The first dose was to be administered by my Psychiatrist in his office at the hospital he works out of to ensure that I could tolerate it and from there I would be monitored closely as I continued treatment several times a week from my home. It’s now been five long months since that initial appointment was postponed inevitably as I continue to struggle deeply on a daily basis. 

As most of you who follow my journey regularly know by now that my relationship with medication and treatment options (both traditional and MANY non-traditional as well) to help ease my symptoms associated with anxiety and depression have been met with many obstacles, extreme challenges and sometimes severe complications to say the least. So when I discovered CBD oil a few years ago and found immediate relief from it while experiencing high levels of anxiety throughout any given day (even if it’s only temporary), I’ve come to rely on it like you would rely on any loyal and trustworthy friend.

Although it’s been far from a cure and (unfortunately) for me it has yet to give my symptoms of depression any type of real relief I’m still so grateful to know that just like my many loyal, trustworthy friends I have in my life, it’s a safe and reliable way to help me cope with my often severe and very persistent daily bouts of anxiety and panic attacks because I really don’t know how I’d ever get through so many difficult days (and nights) without any of them. 

#cbdoil #friendship #youareenough #depression #anxiety #anxietyattacks #panicattacks #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #therapeutic #selfcare #suicidalthoughts #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #endthestigmatogether 

School: To Be Or Not To Be?

You’ve probably heard the saying before “You can’t please all the people all the time.” It’s nearly impossible for anyone to be able to please everyone at the same time because we are all unique individuals with our own unique set of expectations, experiences and perceptions and that’s perfectly okay. 

This fall will be the first time in almost 20 years that I won’t have a child in my home entering a new school year in the Pre to K, Primary or Secondary School system. Both of my daughters fate were determined for them several months ago as the Post Secondary Educational systems all made the decision early on to begin the upcoming school year mostly online, but right now many other anxious Parents, Teachers, Administrators, Support Staff and children are eagerly awaiting their own fate as to whether or not schools will reopen, will continue online or will do a combination of both.

As a parent I am quite torn with the decision that was predetermined for my girls months ago and especially for my youngest daughter who has already lost so much in her graduating year from High School to now not be able to experience the excitement and comradary that comes along with this next milestone in her life. 

Sadly there is no right or wrong, risk-free decision as to whether or not or even how our kids can safely return to the classroom this fall or if they should continue their studies online, nor am I here to debate it either way but I know that when the decision is finally announced there will be plenty of Parents, Teachers, Administrators, Support Staff and children cheering in support of the decision and many more yelling with rage.

Whatever decision is made (there will be no clear winner or loser), just remember that everyone has a right to their own opinion and even if that opinion differs from yours that no one has the right to judge you for that. We’re all in this together but as I said before we will never be able to please everyone all of the time.

Therefore it is more important than ever, no matter what the outcome is, that we focus our attention on keeping our children (and family’s) mental health and wellness in check above all else right now which may very likely look a whole lot different for each of us as our expectations, our experiences and our perceptions are all unique to us, and guess what; that’s perfectly okay.

#cantpleaseeveryone #ouryouthmatter #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #mentalillness #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #bekind #kindnessmatters #schoolkids #distancelearning #backtoschool #wearamask

Who Needs A Hug Today?

I know the one thing that many of us are really missing and craving most in our lives right now is the gentle touch of a hug from friends and family. 

For many individuals it has been well over 4 months since they have been able to feel the warmth of a hug or any other kind of positive physical touch for that matter which is definitely starting to have a very negative impact on many people’s mental health.

Even though more and more communities are starting to reopen slowly (in Ontario and much of Canada that is) and more and more things are starting to return to “normal” (but what is normal anymore?), the one thing that still remains the same is that we need to continue to be vigilant when it comes to physical distancing because if we let our guard down too much or too soon there could be even further and other detrimental consequences to our actions. 

It is unnatural for most human beings to live without any kind of physical touch at all. Positive physical touch is soothing, it’s calming and scientifically speaking, it is of the utmost importance to our wellbeing. 

Whether it’s just as simple as a tap on the shoulder, a pat on the back, a high five, a squeeze of the hand, a stroke of the arm, a kiss on the cheek or a warm embrace, the power that physical touch has on both our bodies and minds can easily let someone know that no matter what, it’s all going to be okay and who amongst us doesn’t need to feel that extra sense of safety and security right about now?

But in the meantime as we continue to wait out the storm lets all celebrate International Self-Care Day today by taking care of you first. Try giving some of that extra love you are missing or craving so much to yourself instead with a great big ole bear hug and remember to hold on as long and as tightly as you need.

#thepoweroftouch #whoneedsahug #physicaltouch #positivephysicaltouch #physicaldistancing #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #blogger #youarenotalone #therapeutic #pettherapy #mindfulness #internationalselfcareday #bearhug