Category: cigarettes, quit smoking

It’s Alright To Cry


Rich and I have been hit with some pretty bad blows over the last several years and this week has been no exception. I’m not gonna share right now just how bad a week it’s actually been but trust me when I tell you it’s been pretty f*@#ing bad. 

When it feels like the walls are closing in around me my illness leaves me questioning everything, it leaves me unable to breathe, it leaves me overwhelmed and vulnerable, it leaves me hesitant and indecisive and it leaves me in tears which are oftentimes over the simplest and silliest of things.
Crying is a natural response to all kinds of emotions and can be quite soothing and calming as well as quite necessary. My emotions are running very high right now and shedding a few tears when needed definitely helps to release some stress. 

Yesterday afternoon is one of several examples of this and a perfect example of just how emotional I am. Rich and I were out running some errands with one of our daughters in a very busy store when I suddenly (and I truly mean it when I say suddenly) became hesitant, vulnerable, indecisive and overwhelmed over the simplest and silliest of things and before I knew it, and before Rich could run and hide from the crazy lady in aisle 5 (that’s me in case you weren’t sure), the tears began streaming down my face and customers began staring (and trust me it’s not even close to the first time this has happened). Luckily my daughter was already 2 aisles ahead!

Although on one hand it felt like an eternity in that moment but once I gained my composure I was able to continue on I felt a sense of calm. Afterall, crying produces endorphins which are better known as “the feel good” hormone so you see it’s alright to cry and as I said above, it can be quite calming, self-soothing and often necessary. 

Trying to keep a sense of humour when life kicks you in the ass sometimes certainly can also help ease the blow somehow too because laughter and tears both have so many healthy and powerful benefits! (see pic of Rich) 

Oh and through all the tears I’ve shed this week, I could have smoked, I wanted to smoke, I needed to smoke but I did not smoke. And by the way, how long is it til 2021?

#worstyearsofar #twentytwentysucks #thirtythreedays #smokefree #nosmoking #laughter #tears #crying #panic #anxiety #depression #suicide #smilingthroughdepression #myreasonswhy #itsoktonotbeok #family #youareenough #masksoff #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #thisisreallife #endthestigmatogether #empowerment #selfcompassion #selflove 

30 Days Smoke Free

Tomorrow will be exactly 1 month (Jan 14, 2020) since I quit smoking (time sure flies when you’re having fun!). That’s over 300 cigarettes I haven’t smoked, that’s nearly 250 dollars I’ve saved and that’s a whole lot of Self-Love!
Having the ability to feel Self-Love is something I struggle with daily as you’ve probably noticed by now.

To feel Self-Love takes a lot of ongoing and continual upkeep of a person’s body, mind and soul in order to help maintain a more fulfilling life. Simply put, it’s not something money can buy you because Self-Love isn’t a feeling of instant gratification you desire in order to fulfill a pleasure in the here and now. 

Well seeing as tomorrow just so happens to also be Valentine’s Day maybe it’s a sign from Cupid, maybe he is willing to guide me toward true Self-Love but maybe in the meantime he can guide me toward some of that instant gratification! Afterall, 30 days smoke free surely deserves a gift in the here and now too; wouldn’t you agree? ❤💖🛍💍👡 

#selflove #selfcare #selfworth #ichooseme #smokefree #iquit #addictions #nosmoking #instantgratification #thirtydays #valentinesday #empowerment #giveagiftoflove #bekindtoyourself #cupid #fromtheheart #bowandarrow 

What Is HS?

WHAT IS HS?

A year ago today (it came up on my memory wall) I told you about a chronic recurrent skin condition that I have been battling with for about 3 years now (see blog; Antibiotics: To Take Or Not To Take). Its name is as painful to pronounce as the condition itself and when a flair up occurs it is beyond debilitating. 

Last summer I went to see a specialist who happens to be the only one of her kind in the city who specializes in Hidradenitis Suppurativa (HS for short). Months prior to seeing the specialist I had been put on an antibiotic indefinitely which I was not comfortable with but it seemed like the only solution until my appointment with the specialist.

Once I finally met with the specialist she then prescribed me yet another medication that she said would be more tolerable as a long term option. 
We discussed future treatments in case the medication didn’t work, treatments which could include surgery or a very well known drug which treats many autoimmune diseases that would need to be injected into my body weekly for the rest of my life.

As you can well imagine, none of her options sounded too appealing to me. We also had a very candid discussion about many of the underlying causes behind this chronic (and basically) non- curable condition. Included in that list of causes are inflammation in the body and mood disorders, both of which have been the bane of my existence for almost 6 years now. It is also very likely to affect people (this condition in general affects more women than men) who are overweight and who smoke. Well lucky me, I was basically 4 for 4. 

I have another follow up appointment in a couple of months but I have not had a single flair up in 2 months since I began my quest to find all natural remedies for my Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis symptoms. I have lost weight and quit smoking in that same 2 month period and I am living pain free as well; all thanks to a couple of scoops of magic each and every day. And the best part is I don’t need to take medication anymore to keep the flair ups at bay. 

There may be no cure for HS or many of the other daily issues that consume my life but for now I am grateful to have found these products that are helping me focus on finding my way towards living my best life both mentally and physically. 

https://www.myvalentus.com/kfluxgold 

#myvalentus #valentus #miracle #HidradenitisSuppurativa #magiccocoa #happycoffee #immuneboost #youareenough #noshame #endthestigmatogether #youarenotalone 

A Cup of Magic

The other night I cracked open a can of diet coke from the fridge. It had been well over a week since I’d even had the urge to do so and I actually felt the back of my throat start to burn as I drank it. Just 2 short months ago I literally drank diet coke for breakfast, lunch, dinner and as a midnight snack; I mean if I could have taken it intravenously I would have but now thanks to the delicious cup of hot cocoa (which also comes in coffee) I’ve been drinking every morning for almost 2 months my craving, my desire, my need, my want for diet coke is completely gone. I’m even starting to believe that this magic cup of hot chocolate may be the reason that I wanted to quit smoking too! Can you imagine how the back of my throat would feel today inhaling a cigarette, 21 days smoke-free!

https://www.myvalentus.com/kfluxgold

#magic #valentus #cocoa #happycoffee #nomoredietcoke #smokefree #twentyonedays #twentypoundsgone #cravingsgone #painfree #trim #immuneboost

Therapy: All The Cool Kids Are Doing It!!!

Today I’m having a particularly hard day. I can’t say that there’s been one thing in particular that has made the start of the new week so hard for me but often when someone is suffering with Depression and Anxiety there doesn’t have to be a good reason, it just is. I probably experienced every negative emotion known to mankind before noon-time today and cried at least three times before then as well.  

I wasn’t sure I was gonna make it past noon today with so many overwhelmingly negative and unwanted thoughts going on inside my head causing me a great amount of fear, guilt, anger and sadness to erupt all at once so I sure as hell was grateful that I had an appointment already scheduled to see my therapist this afternoon.

Over the course of my illness there has been one constant in my journey and that is therapy.  It has not always been good therapy and some of it has left me shaking my head in shock and anger and some has just been downright awful but through a lot of trial and error I finally found the perfect balance for me a couple of years ago and my lifesaver. I’m not ashamed to tell people I go to therapy (well that’s probably quite obvious by now seeing as I divulge every intimate thought and feeling to you!) and it makes me feel sad when some people are reluctant to see a Therapist or make excuses as to why they can’t see one because whether it’s going to see a Therapist, a Counsellor, a Life Coach, a Social Worker, a Psychologist or a Psychiatrist when you are feeling overwhelmed or sad should be just as normal as going to see your Doctor when you have the flu!

I know that therapy can be very expensive if not covered by OHIP (in Canada) or an insurance plan (if you even have one) and we all know that there can be long wait lists for OHIP covered Therapists and Doctors however there are still plenty of places to start if you need help right away including Distress and Crisis Helplines and Hospital ER’s. I have found myself in many Emergency Rooms, too many times now that I’ve stopped counting, but during several of those visits I have been given access to free community-based group and individual programs and sometimes I was also placed in one on one care with a Counsellor who work with outpatients.  

It’s not always easy to talk to a loved one or confidant about what you are feeling and very often when a situation is bigger than you then you may need an outsider to listen to you who can advise you from a non-judgmental place and with an unbiased perspective. A therapist et al can help to validate your experience and not make you and your problems feel unworthy while being in a safe place to process your thoughts. They will give you different tools for working through difficult situations, allowing room for your personal growth, teach you coping skills, give you insight and model for you what healthy boundaries and healthy relationships should be and sometimes just being able to say things out loud can help you understand your thoughts and feelings in a whole new way.

Until 5 years and 10 months ago I had never been to a Therapist; I never felt that I needed to but now I look at therapy or life-coaching from a totally different lens and I truly believe that at some point or another in every person’s life that seeking the guidance of a professional for a little extra emotional support could really help keep us balanced. We all go through ups and downs in our lifetime and we could all use some tweaking from time to time and there ain’t no shame in that! Oh and by the way, no matter how hard today has been for me I did not smoke!! 

If you or someone you know needs immediate help start here or go to your closest emergency room:

Toronto Distress Centres- 416-408-HELP(4357)

Gerstein Centre- 416-929-5200

Kids Help Phone- 1-800-668-6868

Please continue to follow my journey at: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com

#Smokefree #twentydays #hardday #helpline #distresscentres #therapy #therapyiscool #itsoktonotbeok #itsoktoaskforhelp #startaconversation #youareenough #noshame #endthestigmatogether #youarenotalone #mentalillness #selfcare #mentalwellness #masksoff #depression #anxiety #dontsufferinsilence

Holding Myself Accountable

So I’ve made it 12 days now without smoking a cigarette. The first week was pretty easy compared to the days that have followed. I thought it was supposed to get easier over time but clearly I was wrong. Maybe it’s because during that first week I was much less mobile still due to my concussion and once I started to feel better I began to miss it more?

That first day I quit smoking it wasn’t a rash decision, it was something I had been thinking about for quite awhile, well probably for years but that day I finally felt ready. I hadn’t discussed my decision with anyone, not even Rich because I didn’t want to disappoint him if I didn’t follow through with it but once I smoked that last cigarette in my pack and did not attempt to purchase a new pack I felt like the only way I was going to make it through day one was by holding myself accountable. 

Holding yourself accountable for something is more than just taking responsibility for your actions but in the long run it’s more about being able to answer to those actions. That is why I didn’t just send Rich a quick text message that morning while he was at work letting him know the good news, I also took to Facebook, WordPress, Instagram and Twitter to let everyone else know too! 

If I didn’t tell anyone my plan to quit smoking that day then I’d have had no accountability for my actions, I’d have had no one to disappoint if I didn’t follow through with my actions and I’d have had no real incentive for my actions. By telling you my plan to quit smoking that day has helped make the process and my progress much more meaningful knowing just how invested so many of you are in helping me achieve my goals successfully. I’m glad I have so many of you in my life to help motivate me and always keep me accountable. 
#accountability #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youarenotalone #selfcare #ichooseme #concussion #quitsmoking #daytwelve






Accepting Help Is Super Cool

It’s been a very long week for me, well to be quite honest it’s been a helluva long year so far (a whole 24 days in) and I think I need a do over. And what the heck was I possibly thinking when amidst all the chaos in my life this month I decided I wanted to quit smoking because there just wasn’t enough on my plate already! 

I’m experiencing an unbearable amount of overwhelm between recuperating from my concussion (which seems to be 99.9 % better), quitting smoking cold turkey ten days ago, tending to some very private family matters and learning how to rid both my body and mind of some very personal demons I’m fighting off so I’m kinda just barely holding on to the edge of that cliff right now (and I’m not sure if I may of mentioned too that my mother’s been in the hospital once again for the past two weeks).  

So in all reality I haven’t quite taken too many steps forward into the new year or gotten back on track like I’d hoped to and well, to be honest again, I feel like I’ve taken so many more steps backwards instead. I know I don’t give myself any credit for the things I have done because my memory is very short term and seems to only have the capacity to hold onto the negative parts. But I also know that without all the help and support I’ve received not just today or last week but over the course of my illness I’d have surely let go long ago.  

Asking for help may be looked at by many as a sign of weakness but as difficult as it may be, asking for help is actually the complete opposite.  Asking for help shows great strength, courage and bravery. When faced with mental health challenges, asking for help can be even more challenging but if there is one thing I have learned throughout my journey it’s how important it is to let your loved ones (or an entire community in my case) in because how else can they be there for you and give their support to you otherwise.

I admit, I find it very difficult to ask for help because I feel like I am enough of a burden to others as it is and even when help is genuinely offered to me I am always hesitant to accept it because well it kinda feels like you have lost all control but truth be told that theory went out the window almost six years ago for me when I basically lost control of my mind. Over time I have learned to surrender to those feelings and I know how important it is to show others your vulnerable side which takes great strength as well and once you have the ability to let your guard down you will see that even you deserve a little help sometimes.

Am I A Cold Turkey?

Today is day four since I smoked my last cigarette and I know I am a long way off from calling myself an ex-smoker however I am already feeling many of its healthy benefits. The bronchial-like cough that has been pestering me every morning for years just disappeared without a trace and the nighttime whistling in my throat and wheezing in my lungs just vanished into thin air as well (smoking is just sooooo glamorous)!

Although the health benefits should make it all worthwhile I’m not gonna lie to you because this has been an exceptionally difficult four days for me mentally. There are many moments throughout the day that I crave a cigarette, there’s also the craziness of trying to navigate my day through my trigger points and lets not forget the physical side effects that can occur when a person quits any addiction cold turkey. 

I felt like I was ready to quit smoking as I mentioned in my previous blog (Wish Me Luck Because I Quit; January 14, 2020) but I’m still not sure that quitting cold turkey is ever the smartest way to tackle it. It’s something I should know better than to do since I am very familiar with the side effects of trying to go off any type of drug including antidepressants, nicotine, opiates or alcohol that your body has become both mentally and physically dependent upon. 

Quitting any of the above substances cold turkey can actually be very dangerous and although nicotine is probably one of the safest ones to stop abruptly I’m afraid that my already vulnerable state of mind will only lead to failure.  

I’m not regretting my decision to quit smoking but I am certainly regretting my decision to do so like a cold turkey being what my mental state is like to begin with. But I know that there will never be the perfect way to quit smoking or that there may never be the perfect day or the perfect month or even the perfect year to find the courage to quit either. And maybe I’ve just come to terms with my reality that I may never find the light at the end of the tunnel that I’ve so desperately been searching for that has made me hold onto that desire to keep smoking until now.

But perhaps I may have discovered something else over the last few days, possibly more powerful than any of the above revelations and that maybe my fainting episode/concussion happened for a reason, one that is outside the realm of science. I can see now that it was my mind’s way of telling my body that I still wasn’t quite ready for the new year to begin and that I still needed a few more steps back in order to help me move forward and that both my body and my mind were in desperate need of a damn good rest in order to clear the air from all the smoke that’s been standing in my way.

#coldturkey #iquit #selfcare #smokefree #cravings #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #courage #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness 

Wish Me Luck Because I Quit!

It’s been nearly 2 weeks since my fainting episode left me achy, bruised and concussed. I am slowly healing from the toll it has taken on both my body and mind. The morning it happened I had stepped outside my front door to have a cigarette before getting ready for an appointment when I began to have a panic attack; seemingly from the overwhelm I’d been dealing with through the night which carried over into the morning. I quickly put out my cigarette before heading back inside because I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up, I got very lightheaded as my heart beat out of my chest and a cloud of darkness overcame me. 

Ever since that day I have enjoyed smoking less and less and have started to smoke less and less. I’ve wanted to quit (and have needed to quit) for well…years and years now but have always used it as a crutch like so many smokers do. My doctor never bothers me about quitting because she knows it helps me deal with my depression and anxiety and that is what I need to focus on more. 

But I am no longer feeling the same way when I light up lately and maybe it’s because every time I do I begin to recall that morning in my head and I get an anxious feeling or maybe it’s because I have been nauseous for almost 2 weeks straight now and it makes it difficult to enjoy a cigarette or maybe it’s because I am really beginning to feel the effects of what smoking has done to me for over 30 years or maybe it’s a combination of all three. 

I can still picture that very shy and seemingly innocent 12 year old little girl sneaking off with my friend to the park behind my home carrying with me a tiny purse to conceal a pack of Cameo Menthol cigarettes that I “borrowed” from the fridge where my mom stored her cartons. I lit my very first cigarette that day, I smoked my very first cigarette that day (not sure if I inhaled though!) and I enjoyed my very first of many (I don’t even want to imagine how many it actually is) cigarettes that day. And now some 36 years later I have hopefully lit my last cigarette today, smoked my last cigarette today and somewhat enjoyed my last cigarette forever today. 

I want so much to make today the day. I’ve quit smoking before during my child bearing years so I know I can do it again, but I also know how quickly I returned to it too. I won’t make any promises today that I can’t keep but I am certainly gonna give it a try (it’s been 4 hours and counting). 
If there is one thing I know for sure today it’s that my kids and Rich would be over the moon and thrilled if I quit smoking and just think how many more hills I could hike up without huffing and puffing during the #summerofrich.  Who knows, maybe that hit to the head did finally knock some sense into it afterall!!

#iquit #nomorecigarettes #dayone #willpower #whoamikidding #courage #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #ichooseme #panicattacks #anxiety #depression #concussion #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #youmatter