Wish Me Luck Because I Quit!

It’s been nearly 2 weeks since my fainting episode left me achy, bruised and concussed. I am slowly healing from the toll it has taken on both my body and mind. The morning it happened I had stepped outside my front door to have a cigarette before getting ready for an appointment when I began to have a panic attack; seemingly from the overwhelm I’d been dealing with through the night which carried over into the morning. I quickly put out my cigarette before heading back inside because I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up, I got very lightheaded as my heart beat out of my chest and a cloud of darkness overcame me. 

Ever since that day I have enjoyed smoking less and less and have started to smoke less and less. I’ve wanted to quit (and have needed to quit) for well…years and years now but have always used it as a crutch like so many smokers do. My doctor never bothers me about quitting because she knows it helps me deal with my depression and anxiety and that is what I need to focus on more. 

But I am no longer feeling the same way when I light up lately and maybe it’s because every time I do I begin to recall that morning in my head and I get an anxious feeling or maybe it’s because I have been nauseous for almost 2 weeks straight now and it makes it difficult to enjoy a cigarette or maybe it’s because I am really beginning to feel the effects of what smoking has done to me for over 30 years or maybe it’s a combination of all three. 

I can still picture that very shy and seemingly innocent 12 year old little girl sneaking off with my friend to the park behind my home carrying with me a tiny purse to conceal a pack of Cameo Menthol cigarettes that I “borrowed” from the fridge where my mom stored her cartons. I lit my very first cigarette that day, I smoked my very first cigarette that day (not sure if I inhaled though!) and I enjoyed my very first of many (I don’t even want to imagine how many it actually is) cigarettes that day. And now some 36 years later I have hopefully lit my last cigarette today, smoked my last cigarette today and somewhat enjoyed my last cigarette forever today. 

I want so much to make today the day. I’ve quit smoking before during my child bearing years so I know I can do it again, but I also know how quickly I returned to it too. I won’t make any promises today that I can’t keep but I am certainly gonna give it a try (it’s been 4 hours and counting). 
If there is one thing I know for sure today it’s that my kids and Rich would be over the moon and thrilled if I quit smoking and just think how many more hills I could hike up without huffing and puffing during the #summerofrich.  Who knows, maybe that hit to the head did finally knock some sense into it afterall!!

#iquit #nomorecigarettes #dayone #willpower #whoamikidding #courage #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #ichooseme #panicattacks #anxiety #depression #concussion #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #youmatter 

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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