Author: Kim Fluxgold

Make sure that you “carve” out some time for yourself today.

#happyhalloween #selfcaresunday #halloweentriggers #mentalhealthhumor #depressionisspooky #anxietyisscary #yourmentalhealthmatters #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok

Even though I constantly have the urge to give up.

That I feel like the world is better off without me.

That the pain I endure is often too much to bare.

And that every breath I take I pray may be my last;

Somehow though, I keep trying my hardest to muster up enough strength and courage every day to put my best foot forward.

#saturdaynightinthesix #headingtomynexttreatment #sixthirtystartingtime  #ketaminetreatments #ketamine #treatmentnumberfive #treatmentresistantdepression #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #putyourbestfootforward #mentalhealth #strength #courage  #mentalwellness #psychedelics

Living with a crippling anxiety disorder you just never know from one minute to the next when it will attack you. 

Anxiety is always present throughout my day. It leaves me breathless and worried.

Whether I feel it in my body or hear its voice in my head; wherever I am, there it is. 

It doesn’t really care what time it is or what I am doing either. It wears me like a glove.

Somedays I can manage my anxieties better than others and other days it will bring me to my knees in a state of panic; without any warning. 

Like today.

Today I was doing my best to protect myself from the negative thoughts and physical disruptions until something happened earlier this afternoon which was completely out of my control, yet my anxiety and panic escalated at an alarming rate.

For most people who don’t suffer with a crippling anxiety disorder my guess is that many situations like the one I encountered earlier today that has now left me unable to stop ruminating and collecting negative thoughts about basically my entire fricken life would have likely been forgotten moments later because to most people it really wouldn’t have been such a big deal.

Honestly I don’t even want to tell you what happened because it really wasn’t such a big deal. Everyone was safe.

But here I am. 

I’ve now created a domino effect in my head of negative thoughts and derailed everything that once felt manageable only hours earlier. I am overwhelmed.

Writing helps me to manage so many of my emotions. I figured if I wrote it down it may help me to shift gears a bit or help shift my negative thoughts because God knows the night is still young and I’m pretty sure that my anxiety will find plenty more reasons to cripple me once again before the day is done.

#anxietydisorder #negativethoughts #mentalhealth #mentalillness #crippling #youareenough #downonmyknees #nobigdeal #overwhelmed #justbreathe #youarenotalone #fear #itsoktonotbeok #dominoeffect #rumination #shiftgears #blogger #writing 

I read this book a few years ago.

I’ve read several other of Matt Haig’s fictitious novels too but his Memoir: “Reasons To Stay Alive” based on his real life experiences of living with Depression and Anxiety and how he was able to overcome it is truly inspiring.

Somedays I find myself reaching for it when the dark clouds hover overhead.

I start flipping through the pages and reading exerpts from it as a gentle way to remind myself that Depression lies and that recovery is possible.

Share your reasons to stay alive.

#reasonstostayalive #depression #anxiety #suicidalideations #depressionlieslikeamotherfucker #youareenough #books #reading #affirmations #exerpts #mentalhealth #mentalwellness

When I was a young child I had a pretty bad allergic reaction to an antibiotic I was once prescribed which had Sulphar in it. I got really, really sick. 

At age 17 I had a very scary allergic reaction to Codeine when someone innocently gave me a Tylenol 3 for a headache while I was on a camp overnight. I’d never taken one before. Lucky the campers were all asleep by now. 

At age 20 I reconfirmed that I was still allergic to Codeine when I accidentally took a Tylenol 3 again without realizing it. I was away that time too (with Rich and some friends). I will never make that mistake again.

But when I was first diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety just shy of my 43rd birthday I never imagined for one second that my body would reject every single fricken drug I was basically administered. 

I’ve talked about it many times throughout my journey. After more than 20 concoctions of Antidepressants and several other treatments I was eventually diagnosed with having Treatment Resistant Depression. 

My body can’t seem to tolerate much when it comes to treating my illness, antidepressants included. Over the past 7.5 years they had created so many added health problems for me (until I eventually went off them all together) which had my doctor needing to send me to see Cardiologists, Neurologists, Rheumatologists, Endocrinologists and many more specialists as well. At some point in time and after many brutal tests I knew it was the medications that were always causing these added stressors in my life because as soon as I weaned off any one or more drugs, the issues pretty much disappeared too.

It’s frustrating and as I’ve said over and over again, I feel like such a failure. My body rejects everything and I’ve felt like adding Ketamine to that list now too.

Today I met with a collegue (on Zoom) of my Psychiatrist to discuss my Ketamine treatment thus far. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this but my Psychiatrist has taken a 2 month Paternity leave which began the first week of October, just prior to me starting my first treatment. 

I’m now four sessions down and I have felt no change at all which the Doctor is well aware of from my recorded conversations with the Nurses along with all of the assessments I have had to fill out regularly in between treatments and prior to the start of the next one.

I’m frustrated and like I said, as each day passes I feel more and more like a failure which has lead to more and more days filled with despair, hopelessness and thoughts of suicide.

My Therapist continually tries to tell me that I am not a failure in any way, shape or form and that the treatments and medications are the ones that are failing me. Today the Psychiatrist said those exact same words to me. He even went one step further to say that as Researchers and Scientists they too are failing me. 

He discussed my final two upcoming treatments which would be a total of 6 all together but like my Psychiatrist and I first talked about weeks ago that is just the number they like to start with.

I told him I’m feeling very alone in this process given the MANY testimonials I’ve read from individuals who feel better after just a couple of treatments. He reassured me that I am not alone and that it is still too early for me to know if it’s working or not.

He also assured me that there are many more people not giving testimonials who may not even feel some relief for a few weeks following their last treatment. 

He then told me that it’s a cumulative effect and every experience is customized to the patient’s individual needs and that for someone like me who is having such intense experiences during each treatment and several days of brutal side effects following that I need to take it slowly and gently proceed with caution when increasing my doses in the hope that I will eventually reach a therapeutic level. 

He said he does not want to push the envelope, it’s all about trial and error and that as long as it takes for me to get to the highest dose in which MY body can tolerate then that is what they need to do and then promised that this was not the end of the line for me. 

Two final things we discussed before our call ended was for me to possibly do some further genetic testing (I did some several years ago while inpatient which never concluded much) and he also mentioned the possibility of trying Ketamine again in its IV form (which I also did once inpatient several years ago) at a future date. 

It’s all been a lot for me to digest today and I have even more to think about before my next treatment on Saturday afternoon including if I am ready yet to increase my dose again but being able to finally talk with a Psychiatrist today for the first time since I began this process was definitely a HUGE comfort. He was definitely a HUGE comfort. If it couldn’t be with my own Psychiatrist, he was definitely the next best thing.

#ketaminetreatment #treatmentresistantdepression #suicidalideations #suicideawareness #youareenough #youarenotalone #psychedelics #psychiatry #anxiety #genetictesting 

I didn’t sleep much last night. I had a pounding headache which began shortly after my treatment ended in the early part of the evening yesterday and just got progressively worse as the night wore on. It still hurts today.

Yesterday’s experience was like nothing I’d ever felt before. I gave the Nurse permission to increase my dose of Ketamine this time hoping it will somehow make a difference. I’d felt very safe with her and a real sense of calm in her presence one week earlier which is something I have not felt with the other two Nurses who have also been under my care. Kindness and compassion sure do go a long way. 

Before she administered the higher dose to me I needed to sign off on it first. While doing so we also spoke in great length about how distressing my week had been and how I am feeling very much alone in this process right now and often triggered because no matter how many doctors you talk to or how much research you do on the incredible affects that Psychedelics can have on individuals with treatment resistant depression and suicidal ideations or how many testimonials you may watch from strangers on YouTube who seem to have felt an almost instantaneous release from their symptoms of depression and suicidal ideations, no one is living in my body or mind and with each passing treatment I am feeling more and more like a failure. 

She listened intently. I felt understood. I was ready to begin.

She handed me the tablet. I placed it under my tongue and swooshed it around until it dissolved. I was still playing around with my phone, trying to find which playlist to listen to but almost immediately my lips went numb and my limbs felt heavy and then suddenly the room began to spin. My vision went blurred and I saw two of everything. Sounds became muffled like I was under water. 

It came on fast and furious. I quickly on my sleep mask and began my descent into another world. A scary and super intense world. 

A world that took me back to my childhood. My precious childhood dog Bamboo paid me a visit (she died one week before my wedding). I believe she was there to protect me as I began running away. I held onto her tightly as I was being chased through a dark forest where the ground was filled with fallen leaves. The leaves were mostly yellow, a few were red. 

I was easily startled as the experience deepened. I became very confused and kept asking out loud where am I as I ran for my life. I felt a shortness of breath. I watched all this happening from outside of my own body. I was completely disconnected as my body floated beside me the whole time. 

It was an extremely distressing experience to say the very least but maybe, just maybe it was an experience that needed to happen. 

#ketaminetreatment #psychedelics  #treatmentnumberfour #treatmentresiatantdepression #suicidalideations #inthezone #sleepmask #mentalhealth #youareenough #youarenotalone

Rich and I decided to sneak in a quick #summerofrich “Fall Edition” adventure this afternoon and explore a piece of our beautiful city as we make our way downtown to my next treatment later on today.

A perfect way to help clear my head.

P.S. A young girl stopped to tell me she loved my sweatshirt. That made my day❤

#summerofrichfalledition #midtowntoronto #citytrails #octoberhikingchallenge #fallingleaves #nature  #mentalhealth #clearingmyhead #mentalwellness

I’ve been on a downward spiral this week. 

I have been consumed by thoughts of suicide and feelings of hopelessness and guilt; literally every waking moment.

I feel like such a failure. 

I feel helpless. 

Today I felt unsafe.

I reached out to my therapist for support. 

I am always hesitant to do so because I worry that I am truly bothering her. 

In my heart though I know that’s just my anxiety talking smack to me.

I see her on a weekly basis and she will often remind me that if ever I need to reach out to her at anytime in between our sessions that she will always be here for me in whatever capacity she can; and oh ya, she also reminds me that I am most definitely not a bother either.

Having a professional who is always in your corner, who believes in you and who offers you a safe, judgment-free space to talk through or help you cope with whatever life challenges you may be experiencing is truly a blessing. 

*If you are in crisis or in need of immediate support and do not have access to care right away please reach out to a helpline or go to your nearest emergency room.*

#therapy #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression #anxiety #suicidalthoughts #suicideprevention #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok 

*Potentially triggering*

I’m feeling pretty darn defeated today and the guilt surrounding this feeling is literally killing me. 

What is wrong with me? What am I doing that is so wrong? This must be all my fault? I can’t do anything right? Why am I such a failure? I might as well just give up for good this time? 

These are just some of the many thoughts that crossed my mind last night as I left another treatment; this time however, unlike the previous two sessions, I left in tears, suicidal and feeling completely defeated. 

Each thought kept worsening into deeper, more hopeless thinking and by the time I arrived home just before 10pm, I was feeling nauseous, my head pounding and my mind consumed by thoughts of suicide. 

I knew what I was getting myself into before I started this process. I accepted the fact that during each session I’d be put into a disassociative state of mind. Do I like that feeling? Absolutely not, but I accepted it. 

Does my anxiety build to the extreme before each session knowing how the treatment is about to make me feel? Absolutely yes, but I’ve accepted that. 

Do I give both my body and mind permission to feel disconnected and distorted from reality during each session? Absofuckinglutely. I’ve accepted that too. Heck I’m willing to accept almost anything at this point if it could potentially be life saving. 

Then what caused me to leave my session last night in tears, feeling suicidal and completely defeated? 

So how does someone come out of their treatment feeling worse than when they went in and then make you feel as though you are failing at yet another treatment?

I’ve read so many testimonials from individuals who have said that after their first treatment their symptoms of depression and suicidal ideations began to ease greatly, yet here I was three sessions down, in tears, suicidal and feeling completely defeated as the Nurse began to ask me a series of questions for her report.  

These questions are asked at the end of each session before they release you while your mind and body are still not fully conscious. 

Ketamine is used in anesthetic and although I’m not fully asleep during my treatment I am most definitely not fully awake either. It takes a few hours until it leaves your system. Try and imagine for a moment how you have first felt when you are just coming out of an anesthetic, following a surgery. 

You are probably pretty groggy, feeling sedated and likely still somewhat incoherent. 

I’m barely able to lift my head or open my eyes yet but I am being asked to recall how I felt during the peak of my experience. Did I experience this feeling or that feeling? Did I see things that weren’t real? Was it in slow motion? Did it make me feel happy or sad or scared? Was the feeling mild or moderate or severe? The questions feel never ending and go on and on for a good ten minutes. Then the questions switch to how I am feeling right now. Am I feeling suicidal, do I have a plan, what would my plan be, how will I act on my plan?

It’s beyond overwhelming. What if I give the wrong answer? What if they decide not to continue my treatment based on my answers? 

It all just felt too much last night. These questions felt too much. My mind was still in a confused state. My body still numb. I could barely speak. I started to cry, I felt suicidal…and completely defeated. 

I feel so alone.

#whatiswrongwithme #ketamine #treatmentresiatantdepression #anxiousmind #unconsciousmind #suicidalmind #feelingdefeated #depression #mentalhealth #mentalillness #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok