What Is Wrong With Me?

*Potentially triggering*

I’m feeling pretty darn defeated today and the guilt surrounding this feeling is literally killing me. 

What is wrong with me? What am I doing that is so wrong? This must be all my fault? I can’t do anything right? Why am I such a failure? I might as well just give up for good this time? 

These are just some of the many thoughts that crossed my mind last night as I left another treatment; this time however, unlike the previous two sessions, I left in tears, suicidal and feeling completely defeated. 

Each thought kept worsening into deeper, more hopeless thinking and by the time I arrived home just before 10pm, I was feeling nauseous, my head pounding and my mind consumed by thoughts of suicide. 

I knew what I was getting myself into before I started this process. I accepted the fact that during each session I’d be put into a disassociative state of mind. Do I like that feeling? Absolutely not, but I accepted it. 

Does my anxiety build to the extreme before each session knowing how the treatment is about to make me feel? Absolutely yes, but I’ve accepted that. 

Do I give both my body and mind permission to feel disconnected and distorted from reality during each session? Absofuckinglutely. I’ve accepted that too. Heck I’m willing to accept almost anything at this point if it could potentially be life saving. 

Then what caused me to leave my session last night in tears, feeling suicidal and completely defeated? 

So how does someone come out of their treatment feeling worse than when they went in and then make you feel as though you are failing at yet another treatment?

I’ve read so many testimonials from individuals who have said that after their first treatment their symptoms of depression and suicidal ideations began to ease greatly, yet here I was three sessions down, in tears, suicidal and feeling completely defeated as the Nurse began to ask me a series of questions for her report.  

These questions are asked at the end of each session before they release you while your mind and body are still not fully conscious. 

Ketamine is used in anesthetic and although I’m not fully asleep during my treatment I am most definitely not fully awake either. It takes a few hours until it leaves your system. Try and imagine for a moment how you have first felt when you are just coming out of an anesthetic, following a surgery. 

You are probably pretty groggy, feeling sedated and likely still somewhat incoherent. 

I’m barely able to lift my head or open my eyes yet but I am being asked to recall how I felt during the peak of my experience. Did I experience this feeling or that feeling? Did I see things that weren’t real? Was it in slow motion? Did it make me feel happy or sad or scared? Was the feeling mild or moderate or severe? The questions feel never ending and go on and on for a good ten minutes. Then the questions switch to how I am feeling right now. Am I feeling suicidal, do I have a plan, what would my plan be, how will I act on my plan?

It’s beyond overwhelming. What if I give the wrong answer? What if they decide not to continue my treatment based on my answers? 

It all just felt too much last night. These questions felt too much. My mind was still in a confused state. My body still numb. I could barely speak. I started to cry, I felt suicidal…and completely defeated. 

I feel so alone.

#whatiswrongwithme #ketamine #treatmentresiatantdepression #anxiousmind #unconsciousmind #suicidalmind #feelingdefeated #depression #mentalhealth #mentalillness #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok 

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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