Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.
He loves me when I’m at my best and continues to hold my hand through my worst.
Love means having unconditional support built on a mutual respect.
Love is weathering the storms in life together and always being reminded of your self-worth.
Love doesn’t have to always equate to romance.
Love is about cherishing all the people in your circle.
It’s about caring deeply for someone and wanting to see them happy and ensuring that you are a part of it.
Love isn’t shown by a date on the calendar. It’s made up of all the little moments we encounter with our loved ones each and every day throughout the year.
Speaking from the heart is something I thrive on; somedays my life feels like it truly depends on it.
Speaking from the heart means being able to say what you want to say, the way that you, and only you can say it.
Speaking from the heart allows you to be heard, and be seen; it can also have a very positive impact on others as well.
Speaking from the heart can sometimes come with regrets or even consequences but doing so before it’s too late may be imperative.
Speaking from the heart means being genuine, real and truthful; it should never include empty promises.
Speaking from the heart means exposing your vulnerabilities, your flaws and your most intimate feelings; it takes a great deal of courage to do so.
Speaking from the heart will bring about a connection with others when you are able to share your thoughts openly and honestly.
Speaking from the heart means knowing your self-worth and allowing yourself to take off your “mask” in order to do so; this will come with many rewards too.
I needed to have a very difficult conversation recently with several of the people I love. My life truly depends on it right now. I came prepared and I practiced lots beforehand. I wanted to ensure I felt heard, and seen as well.
It was filled with such raw emotions. It was genuine, real and truthful. I exposed my many vulnerabilities, my flaws and my most intimate feelings. I was honest and they were too.
I hope in the end that it had a positive impact on everyone involved because it took a lot of courage for me to be able to have this conversation in the first place.
It felt so incredibly empowering allowing myself to speak purely from my heart.
“If you want your voice to be heard, speak from your heart.” ~Wes Fesler
Even if you may not believe it; even if you no longer know truth from reality anymore.
Even if, from where you are standing you can’t see how much you matter to someone.
Even if it’s so hard to feel it through all your pain and perceived failures.
Even if you hate the sound of your own voice; that same voice that brings music to someone else’s ears.
Even if you can only taste the bitterness in your life right now.
Even if you can’t smell the beauty that surrounds you.
Remember that your gifts, your smile, your warm embrace, your love, your inner beauty, your dreams, your talents, your passions, your purpose; they have all touched someone in this world.
I made this hoodie to wear as a note to self and as a gentle reminder for anyone else who is reading it to know that the world is better with “YOU” in it too.
Contact me today to order your own @agentlereminderproject hoodie, crew neck or t-shirt and help spread the word.
Becoming unapologetically me means not having to hide who you are or be who you think others want you to be.
Becoming unapologetically me is about having the ability to express yourself without letting the fear of being judged by others get in your way; it means taking off your mask and showing your vulnerabilities.
Becoming unapologetically me is about not needing validation from others to feel like you are enough.
Becoming unapologetically me is not allowing yourself to get caught up in our innate human desire to fit in or be accepted by others.
Becoming unapologetically me means embracing your imperfections.
Becoming unapologetically me means not apologizing for letting go of what no longer serves you.
Becoming unapologetically me means protecting your own energy.
Becoming unapologetically me allows you to free yourself of past traumas, triggers and grievances.
Becoming unapologetically me means putting yourself first and being at peace with the decisions you make, especially the ones that come from your heart.
Have you ever imagined what your funeral would look like?
I know it probably sounds a bit crazy to some of you reading this but for someone like myself who lives with a constant cloud of darkness overhead, a debilitating anxiety disorder and overwhelming thoughts of suicide neatly tucked away in her back pocket; sadly, it kinda feels pretty normal to me, and especially of late.
For anyone who has ever visualized what their own funeral would look like, what do you imagine most? Do you imagine how your loved ones will celebrate your life? Who will show up? Will some of them come with regrets?
Asking ourselves many of these questions while bringing about a sense of urgency to it can actually be a great exercise to try. Think about the regrets you don’t want to leave behind or the goals you still want to achieve; think about them with the uncertainty of how much time you have left on this earth before you die because as we all know, tomorrow is never promised.
I know that thinking about your own mortality may seem creepy or make you feel uncomfortable but think about all the things that people would say about you at your funeral or what you hope they will say, the kind of person you were and how you lived your life. Will it make them smile? Would it make you smile? Then try thinking of all the things that people haven’t said about you yet; the things that you want people to be able to say about the legacy you leave behind. What gifts of yours would you want to ensure also get left behind?
Confronting our own mortality can put many things into perspective. It causes us to take pause and change our priorities; like in our relationships or finding meaning in our life or the light we bestow on others or the ways in which we want to give back to society.
Is it your fear of death that overwhelms your thoughts or is it your inability to let go of the things you cannot control.
What is one thing you would do today if tomorrow wasn’t promised?
Today I had a meeting with the Executive Director of “The International Crisis Response Association”. Rachel is a Mental Health Advocate and the driving force behind the “non police crisis team” pilot project which launched in 4 regions of Toronto in early 2022. Both Peel and Durham regions are actively working toward joining the program.
Rachel and I were recently connected by a mutual friend and fellow advocate.
The project’s main goal is to be an alternative model of crisis response and provide community led solutions to mental health crisis calls and wellness checks.
Since its conception, 911 has successfully diverted 78 percent of their crisis calls to their 211 team of mental health professionals like social workers and nurses who are sent out right away to de-esculate a situation with no police involvement whatsoever. They are there to provide the individuals with proper resources and support; with less than 10 percent of incidences ever resulting in a trip to the hospital.
For someone like myself who was recently traumatized by an unnecessary police presence in my home during a mental health crisis which resulted in me being handcuffed and taken to the emergency room in a police cruiser and being treated like I was a criminal, I can tell you what a relief it is to know that this program exists and is making a difference; not to mention saving valuable police resources and money.
The reason for our meeting today was to discuss with Rachel the next steps that need to be taken in order to now try and get York Region on board as well with this amazing and much needed pilot project. I live in York Region.
First she needs to find out whether or not the Police Service Board or City Council have yet made a motion or if by some miracle, it’s already been passed 🙏. If not, the first step will be to get it on their Agenda ASAP. It shouldn’t be a hard sell…we hope!
The reason our mutual friend connected us was because we both have experienced our broken healthcare system and we both find advocacy work so empowering. Rachel asked me if I would be willing to go before City Council and pehaps the Police Service Board as well if necessary, to share my story. I said yes right away!
Ironically I also finally received a follow up email today from the “Office Of The Independent Review Board” from the letter I wrote to the Complaints of Policies and Procedures Department of the York Regional Police last month following the incident that took place in my home (in case you missed it, click here; https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2023/01/21/i-need-to-be-that-voice/).
After reviewing my complaint they determined that it relates to a policy involving the York Regional Police Service (see pic attached). It sounds like it could take at least 2 more months until I hear anything more but any progress for change is a definite step in the right direction.
I made a conscious decision long ago to speak as openly and honestly as I possibly can about these thoughts publicly, allowing others who may also be struggling with similar ideations, a safe place to land when they are feeling scared or alone.
I know that sometimes it may be very overwhelming, even heartbreaking for some people to read, especially if you have never struggled with your own mental health or dealt with a loved one who has which is why I completely understand and respect anyone who may choose to unfollow me, but I am not going to stop fighting for those who do gain comfort and support from my posts. And I know that there are 100’s who do.
The most important thing we can all do for someone who is experiencing suicidal ideations is to provide them with hope and validation. I know that this can be a very stressful position to be in for many and although you may not always know exactly what to say in the moment or always agree with them, ensuring the individual in distress feels safe is first and foremost. It’s also so imperative to avoid messaging that will add to their already overwhelming feelings of shame, guilt and being judged.
And even though it is often so difficult for people to know exactly what to say when facing someone who is feeling suicidal like myself, I know that their words are coming from a place of love and probably even fear. Sometimes though certain phrases can do more harm to the individual in crisis.
Some of these phrases may include:
“Things aren’t that bad”
“Other people have it much worse”
“How could you even think about that?”
“Suicide is selfish”
“Think of the people who love you”
“Why not try exercising or going out more”
“Have you tried meditating?”
“This to shall pass”
Although very well-intentioned, to a person who is experiencing suicidal ideations, these phrases invalidate the severity of someone’s pain.
While in the throes of suicidal thoughts and ideations, my brain struggles to believe that if I died tomorrow anyone would miss me. During the most distressing times, like the one I’ve been struggling to get through for the better part of a month now, my depressed brain continually tells me that I am a burden to everyone who loves me, I’m destroying their lives by being alive and that they would be much better off without me, happier too; even if they try and tell me otherwise.
My heart continues to fight my brain’s perspective as best it can, but the brain is a very powerful machine. Deep down, my heart knows it will leave an emptiness in someone else’s heart, that I will be missed and that my loved ones would not be better off without me.
My heart has also bared witness to and felt the devastation from families I know who have lost a loved one to suicide. One such suicide loss survivor is someone with whom I admire and respect greatly.
Yesterday afternoon I received a beautiful, heartfelt and heartwrenching message from another such suicide loss survivor who I know of from the community and have met briefly. She is one of the strongest, bravest people I know and has been following my journey for some time now and although my blogs can sometimes be triggering to read she wanted me to know that they have helped her in her healing process to see through a lens for which her loved one was struggling and which ultimately led to him taking his own life nearly 5 years ago; his devastating loss has been felt every day since by both her and her son.
The pain and suffering that a suicide loss survivor goes through, never goes away and I am so beyond grateful to have the strength and guidance of these 2 incredible women in my life to remind me that my loss will leave an emptiness in someone else’s heart, that I will be missed and that my loved ones would not be better off without me.
Their words and perspectives are coming from the most loving place of hope and validation and have left an imprint on my heart.
Suicide is a symptom of depression. It should never be looked at from a place of shame, guilt or judgment.
So far the first 4 days of February have not been any gentler or kinder to us. Is having one full day of peace in my life really just too much to ask for?
I was in emerg again last night, this time though it wasn’t for me. Spending any length of time in an emergency room causes me a lot of anxiety given my history and traumatic experiences I’ve had within them; the sounds and smells are especially triggering (and in one particular hospital, the elevators are too.
But last night something else happened while I was there helping with a loved one that suddenly triggered me like never before; at some point during my time there, 2 police officers entered the emergency room, hand in arm with a women; she was in handcuffs. That was it for me. I lost it. I felt nauseous. My heart was racing and I became very emotional.
They placed her in a wheelchair when they came through the main corridor to the emergency room. She was berating the police officers for putting her in handcuffs, saying she had never had a “fucking cop” do this to her before. It was certainly not what I needed to see or hear in that moment, but there was nowhere for me to escape from the nearby room we were in. Her voice echoed through the halls.
I certainly don’t know the circumstances that led to her being brought in to emerg in handcuffs by 2 officers on either side of her but it was hard not to hear her cries for help and see how much she was hurting. But mostly, she just deserved some privacy.
This did not take place at the same hospital, nor technically in the same city for that matter that I was at a few weeks ago when I too was brought into the emergency room in handcuffs. But either way this seems to be a new norm. What truly upset me more than anything and differed greatly from my own experience though was that she was put on display for every single person sitting in the waiting room area or in neighbouring rooms to see.
I cannot imagine what it must of felt like for her knowing that all eyes were on her while in crisis. She was left there in front of the triage area for more than 20 minutes, handcuffed and crying as everyone looked on. At least when I was taken inside it was done through a back door where police and ambulances normally park their vehicles. Triage was done privately and away from the general public. She deserved the same respect.
No one ever once tried to comfort her or offer her support. It was truly heartbreaking. This needs to change. Maybe Mayor John Tory needs a letter from me next?
I am truly grateful to have so many amazing friends and a community at large standing beside me while at the same time being super respectful of my wishes.
I met with my Psychiatrist over Zoom yesterday afternoon. It’d been a few weeks since we last spoke as he had been away. I had ALOT to catch him up on including my overnight stay in emerg which happened just days after our last appointment (I was hoping he’d already read over the report from that night which the Psychiatrist in emerg had told Rich and I that she would be sending to my Psychiatrist and asked that I follow up with him; she never sent it though, but fortunately he was able to pull it up during our appointment through the online porthole which allows Doctors to retrieve information on patients from hospital to hospital throughout Ontario).
The defeat I’ve felt lately is more than I’ve ever felt before. I truly feel like I’m at the end of my rope and I don’t know for how much longer I can hold on to it. In my heart I truly believe that my kids and Rich would be better off without me and that I am a HUGE burden to them all, especially of late. I truly believe that if asked, they would all agree. I also truly believe that I am destroying each and every one of their lives with me in it.
Throughout my journey, which has included daily suicidal thoughts and several suicide attempts, I’ve been told time and again that “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” In almost 9 years I’ve been promised many times over that “it will get better” and that I need to keep fighting because I am loved by so many and that the world needs to hear my voice.
I hear you too, I really do.
About a year ago (last April) I wrote another blog titled “M.A.I.D; Medical Assistance in Dying” after the Canadian Government announced that as of March 2023 it will become legal in Canada to medically aid in dying for individuals who are battling mental illnesses such as Depression, Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, Anorexia, Schizophrenia and Personality Disorders (click here to read it,
It is now February 2023 and just weeks away from the originally scheduled date of March 17th when it was set to become legal in Canada but the Government has just announced that they will be delaying its start date by another year as they’d been receiving a great deal of backlash by mental health advocates and practitioners who just want to ensure the safety of all Canadians and that they take all the necessary steps in order to do so; including “better data collection, proper training and developing practice standards”.
As torn, confused and scared as I felt upon first learning of this new legislation last year, I have found myself over the past several weeks seriously contemplating the idea of utilizing M.A.I.D as a viable option for me, especially after what I went through with both the police and then while under the care of the emergency room doctors and nurses on January 15th. I never want to go through that again, ever.
Before speaking with my Psychiatrist yesterday I had already talked with both Rich and my therapist about it and my plan to discuss it further with my Psychiatrist.
I wanted to be completely prepared for our meeting and although this will not likely be legalized as of now for possibly another year, upon doing my own research I have found that with the current guidelines in place already I may potentially be eligible to apply sooner.
According to the parameters of M.A.I.D, currently, some people with mental illness may be eligible “if they also have a ‘grievous and irremediable’ physical health condition. Their illness, disease or disability or state of decline causes them enduring physical or psychological suffering that is intolerable to them and that cannot be relieved under conditions that they consider acceptable.” A person’s death also does not need to be reasonably foreseeable for M.A.I.D eligibility (i.e., a person does not need to be at the end of life).~ Camh
The unrelenting overwhelm of the severe neurological damage caused by the clinical study I participated in last April has been getting more and more unbearable to live with on a daily basis and at this point in time would be considered a “grievous” and “irremediable” medical condition with no cure in sight. My Psychiatrist agrees. He also agrees that medication is no longer an option for me.
My conversation yesterday with my Psychiatrist was probably the hardest one I’ve ever had in my life. He started off by saying that he understands my feelings and how even more difficult my life has become over the last year mentally, physically and (very) personally. He then allowed me to see his vulnerable side by sharing with me that he has really been struggling with the concept of M.A.I.D becoming legal in Canada to medically aid in dying for individuals who are battling mental illnesses but told me that he will support my wishes. As our appointment was coming to a close he asked for my permission to consult with a colleague of his and share my personal information with him in order to see what next steps would need to be taken in the process.
He made no promises or guarantees to me that I’d be approved quite yet. The process is very long and can take months to complete which a person always has the right to back out of at any time.
As difficult and shocking as this may have been to read, trust me, it was even more difficult to write. I am not trying to encourage just anyone to consider this as a viable option for themselves, now or in the future. This is what feels right for me in this moment but in the meantime I promise I am still fighting my ass off for myself and those who haven’t yet found their voice as I cling desperately to the end of that rope.
Everyone has a story to tell. This is my story. No one deserves to ever live alone in their journey, or die alone either.
*if you or someone you know is in crisis, please reach out for help immediately.
I tried to convince myself that 2023 was gonna get easier but as I do a quick recap in my head of the first month of the new year, already I am left feeling completely defeated.
It began with a trip to the ER at the start of the new year after experiencing a severe reaction to a medication I took to help me sleep and ended with some very personal and private matters that much like the fall on my icy driveway the other morning has left me shaken, battered and bruised. And then there were those weeks in between, much of which you know all about by now but some of which I cannot share publicly; all of which though have further proved to me that 2023 is heading in the same direction, and quite honestly I am almost certain as January comes to a close that it has already surpassed the emotional, physical and personal trauma I experienced in all of last year.
I’ve been so broken for so long now that I don’t even know anymore what it’s like to feel okay. I keep trying to convince myself that this can’t last forever and that the whole world is not conspiring against me. I said in that same blog (see above) at the end of last year that 2022 may have won this battle but that it hadn’t won the war…although as I sit here tonight writing this, I’m not so sure about that anymore but I will try to keep reminding myself that I can’t let the hard days win.
YouAreEnough 
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