*Trigger Warning; VERY sensitive content below – Discusses very intimate thoughts on Suicide and Medical Assistance in Dying (M.A.I.D). 

I met with my Psychiatrist over Zoom yesterday afternoon. It’d been a few weeks since we last spoke as he had been away. I had ALOT to catch him up on including my overnight stay in emerg which happened just days after our last appointment (I was hoping he’d already read over the report from that night which the Psychiatrist in emerg had told Rich and I that she would be sending to my Psychiatrist and asked that I follow up with him; she never sent it though, but fortunately he was able to pull it up during our appointment through the online porthole which allows Doctors to retrieve information on patients from hospital to hospital throughout Ontario). 

January really took its toll on me (and my family) and has left me feeling completely deflated which I shared with you the other night (FYI: February hasn’t been so kind yet either, although Wiarton Willie did predict an early spring on Groundhog’s Day yesterday!). ~in case you missed it, click here: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2023/01/31/trigger-warning-%e2%9a%a0%ef%b8%8f-very-sensitive-topic-suicidal-ideations-please-do-not-read-if-you-are-feeling-vulnerable-reach-out-for-help-if-you-are-feeling-alone/

The defeat I’ve felt lately is more than I’ve ever felt before. I truly feel like I’m at the end of my rope and I don’t know for how much longer I can hold on to it. In my heart I truly believe that my kids and Rich would be better off without me and that I am a HUGE burden to them all, especially of late. I truly believe that if asked, they would all agree. I also truly believe that I am destroying each and every one of their lives with me in it. 

Throughout my journey, which has included daily suicidal thoughts and several suicide attempts, I’ve been told time and again that “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” In almost 9 years I’ve been promised many times over that “it will get better” and that I need to keep fighting because I am loved by so many and that the world needs to hear my voice. 

I hear you too, I really do.

About a year ago (last April) I wrote another blog titled “M.A.I.D; Medical Assistance in Dying” after the Canadian Government announced that as of March 2023 it will become legal in Canada to medically aid in dying for individuals who are battling mental illnesses such as Depression, Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, Anorexia, Schizophrenia and Personality Disorders (click here to read it,


I was torn, confused and scared. 

It is now February 2023 and just weeks away from the originally scheduled date of March 17th when it was set to become legal in Canada but the Government has just announced that they will be delaying its start date by another year as they’d been receiving a great deal of backlash by mental health advocates and practitioners who just want to ensure the safety of all Canadians and that they take all the necessary steps in order to do so; including “better data collection, proper training and developing practice standards”. 

As torn, confused and scared as I felt upon first learning of this new legislation last year, I have found myself over the past several weeks seriously contemplating the idea of utilizing M.A.I.D as a viable option for me, especially after what I went through with both the police and then while under the care of the emergency room doctors and nurses on January 15th. I never want to go through that again, ever.

Before speaking with my Psychiatrist yesterday I had already talked with both Rich and my therapist about it and my plan to discuss it further with my Psychiatrist.

I wanted to be completely prepared for our meeting and although this will not likely be legalized as of now for possibly another year, upon doing my own research I have found that with the current guidelines in place already I may potentially be eligible to apply sooner.

According to the parameters of M.A.I.D, currently, some people with mental illness may be eligible “if they also have a ‘grievous and irremediable’ physical health condition. Their illness, disease or disability or state of decline causes them enduring physical or psychological suffering that is intolerable to them and that cannot be relieved under conditions that they consider acceptable.” A person’s death also does not need to be reasonably foreseeable for M.A.I.D eligibility (i.e., a person does not need to be at the end of life).~ Camh

The unrelenting overwhelm of the severe neurological damage caused by the clinical study I participated in last April has been getting more and more unbearable to live with on a daily basis and at this point in time would be considered a “grievous” and “irremediable” medical condition with no cure in sight. My Psychiatrist agrees. He also agrees that medication is no longer an option for me. 

My conversation yesterday with my Psychiatrist was probably the hardest one I’ve ever had in my life. He started off by saying that he understands my feelings and how even more difficult my life has become over the last year mentally, physically and (very) personally. He then allowed me to see his vulnerable side by sharing with me that he has really been struggling with the concept of M.A.I.D becoming legal in Canada to medically aid in dying for individuals who are battling mental illnesses but told me that he will support my wishes. As our appointment was coming to a close he asked for my permission to consult with a colleague of his and share my personal information with him in order to see what next steps would need to be taken in the process. 

He made no promises or guarantees to me that I’d be approved quite yet. The process is very long and can take months to complete which a person always has the right to back out of at any time.

As difficult and shocking as this may have been to read, trust me, it was even more difficult to write. I am not trying to encourage just anyone to consider this as a viable option for themselves, now or in the future. This is what feels right for me in this moment but in the meantime I promise I am still fighting my ass off for myself and those who haven’t yet found their voice as I cling desperately to the end of that rope.

Everyone has a story to tell. This is my story. No one deserves to ever live alone in their journey, or die alone either. 

*if you or someone you know is in crisis, please reach out for help immediately. 

#mentalhealth #maid #suicideawareness #suicidalideations #medicalassistanceindying #youarealone #youareenough #startaconversation #itsoktonotbeok #askforhelp

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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