Echocardiogram

I’ve got so many appointments on the go right now, and honestly, I’m feeling very overwhelmed trying to keep track of everything.

Today, I had an echocardiogram. After my accident, my doctor referred me to a cardiologist in the hope of figuring out a possible reason for why I may have fainted. I have a follow-up appointment booked in a few weeks.

Do I think they’ll find a definitive answer as to why I fainted? Honestly, I don’t.

But today brought a whole other level of anxiety that I wasn’t expecting.

As I lay on that table for 30 minutes, I couldn’t stop thinking about my mom. When she was just 52, she needed emergency bypass surgery. I had a four-week-old baby at home, my firstborn, and I remember how terrifying that time was. Today, lying there having my own heart examined, I found myself transported right back to that moment 28 years ago this month.

My mind kept moving between the present and the past, and the last thing I was thinking about in that moment was why I fainted. Instead, I began thinking about what else they might discover.

When heart disease has hit so close to home, it’s hard not to let your mind go there.

This is the part of living with severe anxiety and panic disorder that is so difficult to explain. It’s not just worrying about what is happening. It’s worrying about everything that might happen, too.

I know I can’t predict the results. I know I have to wait. And I know that worrying won’t change the outcome.

Anyone who experiences severe anxiety like I do knows that it doesn’t always listen to logic. Well, in all actuality, it never listens to logic!!!

So tonight, I’m going to remind myself of that.

I’m going to try to stay in the present, instead of letting my mind run ahead to all the things that might happen and deal with tomorrow when tomorrow gets here.