Trigger Warning ⚠️
Last night, I picked up the finished product from my boudoir photoshoot.
When I went back to view the proofs a week after my shoot in February, I didn’t anticipate how overwhelmed I would feel having to narrow down my choice of pics to select from as part of my gift (and there were plenty). It wasn’t that I wanted to actually choose them all, it was just the opposite, I took one look at them projected on the big screen in front of me, and didn’t want to choose any.
This should really come as no surprise to anyone, given how distorted my sense of self truly is.
My body is something I have come to fear.
I shouldn’t, but I do.
I probably first developed this fear in my late teens during my first battle with an eating disorder.
Over the last 8 months, I have lost a significant amount of weight, something I have spoken about in previous blogs. I will wholeheartedly admit, though, that it has been anything but a healthy journey for me. Those triggers of my first battle with an eating disorder never seem to go away.
Last summer, I was diagnosed by my doctor with a “stress ulcer”. It took me a good month from the onset of my symptoms until I finally went to see her, by which time, I’d already lost 20 pounds. Although the ulcer was causing my body further distress, anything to jumpstart my weight loss journey was a win in my disordered mind. My doctor gave me a medication which I was to take for a month that seemed to help it go away, but the damage was already done. My ED mindset was in full gear.
During the first many years of my battle with depression I gained a lot of weight due to the over 20 different concoctions of antidepressants I was put on. By the time I made the decision to come off all medications that had only caused more harm than good, all I was left with was a further diagnosis of treatment resistant depression, an endless array of non-conventional treatments, and a hundred extra pounds of weight to carry around; some of which came off without any effort, but most have been a struggle to lose ever since.
It’s no secret that we live in a society that values being thin. You rarely hear people congratulate someone or compliment them because they gained 60 pounds, but I can guarantee you that it happens quite often when you lose it.
No one is really all that interested in hearing how you gained all that extra weight either, but we are all ears wanting to know, in great detail, just how you lost it.
Surely, it feels like you are more likeable and attractive when you are thin, but thin doesn’t always equal health or happiness.
I still can’t believe I actually let my guard down the day of my photoshoot. I allowed myself to feel vulnerable both in front of and behind the camera. For a brief moment, I felt free. My body was not something I feared. I was unapologetically me and embraced all my imperfections, perceived flaws, and body dysmorphia.
I did finally choose from the selection of pictures taken. I am sharing one of them with you today as a part of my healing and as a gentle reminder to everyone that it’s ok to embrace your imperfections. The truth is, most of our perceived flaws go completely unnoticed by others anyway, so then why heck are we wasting so much of our energy on them?
If given the opportunity to do this experience again, I would. And if you have ever thought about doing it, you should too!!
#bodydysmorphia #imperfections #mentalhealth #boudoir #photoshoot #eatingdisorders #weightlossjourney #ulcers #distortedsenseofself #confidence #gentlereminder #wellbeing #myjourney #blogger #beinginthemoment
YouAreEnough 
beautiful photo and bless you on your healing journey
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