I Promise You

*Trigger Warning ⚠️; talking about Suicide* 

I know in my heart that suicide is not my only option. It’s the feeling you get though when you believe that you’ve exhausted all other options or are driven by such despair. 


It muddles my better judgment. 


It consumes me day and night.


It overwhelms me.


It drowns out everything and everyone who tries to stand in my way.


It’s stubborn and persistent. 


These very vivid thoughts and pursuits of suicide I’ve been experiencing more and more of late are incredibly loud, confusing, scary and so excruciatingly lonely.


They don’t leave me alone. 


I’m conflicted though. 


They keep showing up in my dreams lately, like ALOT. I see myself standing alone, in the aftermath and filled with regret; these images are probably a good thing, right?


I just want peace. 


But even if there are still other options to pursue, I’m simply burnt out. How long is a person supposed to wait until they find some kind of relief? 


Last week was a lot for me (click here if you missed it: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2023/02/26/more-uncharted-waters/) and then yesterday I was suddenly overwhelmed with very mixed emotions when I heard the news that an admired member of my community, and just a year older than me had taken his own life; I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him and his family (in case you missed it, here is my post from yesterday: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2023/02/28/a-community-in-mourning/).


I spoke with my Psychiatrist this afternoon and caught him up on everything that’s gone on since our last appointment a couple of weeks ago. Like I said above, it’s been ALOT. 


In the meantime though, since our last appointment he’s been working diligently to expedite those “other options” with specialists whom I’ve been waiting months to see and it seems that both his persistence and belief that those “other options” do still exist for me paid off because I received notifications for not just one but TWO appointments this week. 


One such appointment is unfortunately still 2 months away with a specialist who last December when I had an initial consultation with his assistant said he was uncertain if he could help me but he is at least willing to meet me to do an actual examination. He specializes in pelvic reconstructive surgery and urogynaecology (it will be exactly one year at the time of my appointment that I’ve been waiting to see him!). The other appointment I received notification for just this afternoon via an email is set for the middle of this month. It’s with the Neurologist who is in charge of the “Deep Brain Stimulation” research trial that my Psychiatrist asked me to explore near the end of last year (if you missed it or are interested in learning more, click here: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2022/11/29/consultation-with-doctor-for-deep-brain-stimulation-clinical-trial/).


My purpose of meeting with him is to discuss the clinical study in more detail in relation to my treatment resistant depression, but I am also hoping that he can give me some more insight and options to help me with my Neurological issues as well.


I know in my heart that suicide is not my only option and for now, I promise you that I will continue to keep all options on the table. 


Feel free to follow my Blog at: youareenough712.wordpress.com 


#keepingmyoptionsopen #treatmentresistantdepression #suicideawareness #relief #burnout #mentalhealth #confused #youarenotalone #youareenough #youareworthy

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma. View all posts by Kim Fluxgold