Trigger Warning ⚠️ Very sensitive material, may be too difficult for some people to read; talk of M.A.I.D (Medical Assistance in Dying), suicidal thoughts
I just got home from seeing my therapist. I really needed her help today navigating my way through a number of moving parts in my life, mostly the ones which aren’t currently working for me that is.
To say my life is complicated at the moment would be an understatement and I’m not gonna lie but M.A.I.D continues to still be top of mind for me.
Earlier this week a Facebook memory of a Blog I’d written a year ago popped up. It completely triggered me; those darn memories can be both a blessing and a curse. That particular post has since become a curse.
It was a year ago this past week when I received a date for when I was to begin the clinical research trial for Psilocybin (aka: Magic Mushrooms). The date given was April 2, 2022. I had so much hope in my heart ❤️ for the next 5 weeks as I anxiously awaited my turn.
I titled that Blog “Uncharted Waters” (feel free to click here to read it:
https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2022/02/24/unchartered-waters/).
“Uncharted waters or uncharted territory can refer literally to places not yet explored, but it can also be used figuratively to refer to unfamiliar situations in general.“~Webster Dictionary, which is exactly what this trial was, given that it was the first of its kind in Canada and I was about to be one of approximately 15 lucky little lab rats to participate in unexplored and unfamiliar territory.
Most of you reading this already know what followed next and the neurological damage that occurred due to the treatment which has continued to make my life completely unmanageable for close to a year now with daily bouts of brain zaps, constant tingling in my hands and feet, numbness, muscle aches and shooting pains in my arms and legs, an intolerance to any type of noise, near blinding vision during severe flare-ups, tics and tremors throughout my entire body all day long and unrelenting and debilitating sensations, throbbing and spasms day in and day out in my nether regions (if you would like to learn more about this last one click here: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2022/09/20/tmi/).
What I have been dealing with physically over the past year has only added to the further demise in my mental health which is why I recently began exploring medical assistance in dying (M.A.I.D) because I just can’t live like this anymore, especially after what I went through last month while in crisis. I’m exhausted and I feel trapped. Medication is no longer an option for me and I continue to fail every treatment I try for both my mental and physical wellbeing. Over the last year I’ve left many specialists speechless and many others unwilling to even see me, turning down every new referral my Psychiatrist makes as they do not have enough knowledge or expertise in treating my very rare, incurable nether region’s condition. I’ve continued to try and keep some hope in my heart that if one part can be treated, then maybe, just maybe it would help to settle down the other moving parts as well. But at the same time I no longer hold out for much hope at all ever since one Neurologist said to me last summer, “A circuit broke in your brain the day of my treatment and ‘hopefully’ it will fix itself one day!” I just wanna know when the heck “one day” will be?
My emotions are running quite high right now, as are those of my loved ones, friends and care team too. But for my own peace I really need to take the necessary steps at this time to see if this is what I want or if it’s even an option for me at all which is why earlier this week I made the initial phone call to speak with an intake coordinator after my Psychiatrist had forwarded me a direct link to the M.A.I.D program at the Ministry of Health a few days prior. I didn’t know what next steps looked like exactly but the kind lady on the phone guided me through to the next step, asking me some general questions, then created a chart for me and told me that a nurse practitioner would call me over the next day or so. She called around 7pm that same day. We spent about a half an hour on the phone asking me a more indepth list of personal questions in order to find out more about my reasons for calling. She reviewed the entire process with me and told me that because of my physical symptoms that have caused further ‘grievous’ and are ‘irremediable’, intolerable and cannot be relieved under conditions that are considered acceptable she would submit a request for a “Care Connector” to call me next to see if there is a Clinician available to take on my case.”
I received another call the next day from a “Care Coordinator”. She started off by apologizing to me as she informed me that my case is considered what they call a “Track 2” case which simply means that although my “illness, disease or disability or state of decline causes me enduring physical or psychological suffering” death is not imminent and that due to their enormous backlog right now they are only taking on cases at the moment where death is foreseeable and certain to happen soon. She told me to call back in mid to late April when she hopes their “Assessors” will have caught up by then. I suddenly felt like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz when she finally reached the palace in Emerald City for the first time.
In the meantime though she told me to keep fighting and keep building my case by having my care team continue to find new specialists to see and asked that I speak with my GP to also see if she has any other networks or colleagues who may be involved with M.A.I.D.
I hadn’t told my GP as of yet that I had been considering M.A.I.D., that was until we spoke late Thursday afternoon and like with everyone else, I caught her completely off guard but also like with everyone else she was very respectful of my wishes even if like with everyone else, it’s not what she wants to see happen to me.
She made several suggestions and promised to call some other specialists, a Neurologist she knows being one of them as well as a Professor who I had been emailing with back in the summer for advice. She is a Professor at a very prestigious University in Kingston, Ontario, has her PHD and is an expert in the area of care I am so desperately in need of right now and basically the only one who seems to exist in Canada so my GP is hoping she may actually see patients but I am not certain she actually does. She wants to speak to her in particular about nerve blockers.
Before we wrapped up our nearly one hour phone call I mentioned to her about a world renowned Guru I’d found through lots and lots of research, testimonials, a Facebook group I now belong to and several specialists I’ve seen who have all referred to his 100’s of research papers (through their own Google searches) he’s published on the topic of my nether region’s condition (well people call him the Guru but he is an actual doctor of sexual medicine). I can see from the Facebook group alone just how many women he has helped throughout his very lengthy career. Women just like me. The main problem however is he lives in San Diego, California (but ironically he got his initial medical degree at McGill University in Montreal) and the cost involved to go see him would be unattainable for me. I know it’s a real long shot though but my doctor told me that OHIP (Ontario’s health coverage) will sometimes pay for expenses and/or treatments like mine (which has been deemed a persistent neurological condition) through their “compassionate care program” for specialized treatments not available here in Ontario so I decided to give his office a call that night and book the 10 minute free consult with him that he offers on his website. I was able to get an appointment for next month with one of his colleagues who they promised have all been trained extensively by the Guru himself.
I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful, caring team of healthcare professionals supporting me every step of the way. I can’t honestly tell you where my steps will take me next but I do know it certainly makes the path I’m on right now feel a whole lot easier knowing I’m not walking it alone.
#mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression #neurological #maid #medicalassistanceindying #guru #supportteam #healthcareteam #suicidalawareness #youarenotalone #youareenough #Psilocybin #clinicaltrial #unchartedwaters
YouAreEnough 