Can’t Touch This

It’s no secret that the Psilocybin treatment f’d up my entire nervous system. My body and mind have been completely traumatized by the experience and has left me (as you probably already know) with daily bouts of unbearable and seemingly unrelenting physical symptoms that also include being extremely hypersensitive to any type of touch or noise (just ask my family!).

So today during my appointment with Julie she wanted to focus on touch specifically. We spent our time together practicing ways in which I can try and rewire my brain using gentle touch while incorporating some breathing exercises and repeating affirmations to myself like “I am safe” and “you are enough” while doing so.

All types of touch (and noise) have created very unwanted and distressing memories for me from the treatment, often making my skin crawl, my entire body cringe and sending me spiraling into fight or flight mode; every time reminding me of the trauma I went through on that fateful day.

It can be as simple as a tap on the shoulder or hearing someone cough that exasperates my sensitivity to both noise and touch that I quickly begin reliving my experience or associating it with trauma. I told Julie today about one particular moment during my treatment that I feel could have caused these overwhelming reactions. They happened almost simultaneously, maybe midway through the close to 6 hours of my treatment where I lay helpless and alone, convulsing and scared. Suddenly at one point, I heard a noise in the background that wasn’t coming from the distressing music playing on the headphones in my ears. It really, really startled me. I remember lifting my eye mask away from my eyes for a moment, they were blurred and unfocused but I could see an image standing nearby. I quickly covered my eyes again and then almost immediately following, I suddenly felt someone touch my arm. I grabbed my arm, screamed and went straight into fight or flight mode. If only I could’ve escaped somehow.

Touch is meant to enrich our lives whether it’s a gentle caress of the arm, a warm embrace or even a tap on the shoulder but for close to seven months now I have developed such an aversion to it all which has severely increased my level of anxiety and making me avoid it at all costs. Noise too.

I haven’t had much proof as of yet that this treatment will help me to heal my body but in the meantime I am really enjoying learning many new techniques that I can easily put into practice in a more holistic approach to healing. 

#canttouchthis #trauma #ptsd #pgad #pelvicfloor #touch #noise #anxiety #stress #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #holisticpractices #affirmations #iamsafe #youareenough 

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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