***Trigger Warning ***

When I spoke with my Psychiatrist last Friday morning he made a note to contact one of the referrals he’d made for me back on June 3rd to find out what the status is on that said referral. It’s with a specialist who works out of two very prominent downtown hospitals in Toronto and who seems (from my own personal research and that of my Psychiatrists’ as well) to be one of very few doctors in all of Canada who have extensive knowledge on one very specific issue (among the many others) I’ve been dealing with since my treatment took place in April. An issue I’ve been told is quite rare, with very little research and possibly incurable; making it that much more complicated to treat a patient with this. All I do know at this point is that many days it’s too unbearable to live with and for now it’s also something I am not comfortable sharing publicly (I’ll save it for my memoir!).  

Although “incurable” there are a variety of treatment options available to help reduce the side effects or put it into remission but left untreated, this disorder has been known to lead to psychological damage and even suicide among some patients who can’t find the proper care they need or any real relief from the often unrelenting symptoms or treatment options. 

I already suffer from an extensive amount of “psychological” damage and suicidal ideations on a daily basis to begin with which is no big secret by now but the trauma that my body has undergone over the past few months with very little relief from the bandaid option my Psychiatrist has prescribed for me in the meantime is quickly damaging my already fragile mental health even further. And since receiving an email early Monday morning that was forwarded to me from my Psychiatrist’s Assistant (in response to him reaching out to the specialist’s office a few days earlier) I have felt as though that very last f@*k I mentioned I was down to a couple of weeks ago is slipping through my fingers at warp speed (in case you missed my blog from June 30th here it is for your reference; https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2022/06/30/down-to-my-last-fk/).

The subject line on the email read “FYI” with an attachment (see pic I posted for more details; I’ve blocked out names and other personal info). The attachment was from the specialist’s office to my Psychiatrist. When I read through it line by line my immediate reaction was anger, quickly followed by tears, lots and lots of tears.

The anger and tears have now turned into self-hate and self-blame which is eating away at me and have caused a descent into self-gaslighting. I have become consumed with so much anger at myself as well as self-hate and self-blame for participating in this research trial at all. I now wonder on a daily basis if all the symptoms I’m experiencing are just in my head. I’m questioning if I even deserve support at all. Having to wait to see this specialist for possibly over a year at this point is just too much for me to handle. 

I can’t rewrite the past, none of it, but I know in my heart that my feelings are valid. In the meantime I do have a virtual appointment now scheduled for tomorrow morning (they called yesterday) with a Neurologist who specializes in what’s called “Functioning Neurological Disorders” to try and get to the bottom of some of the “software” issues going on inside of me which my Psychiatrist and the other Neurologist I saw recently referred me to when he concluded that what I’m feeling is not a “hardware” issue as my MRI and EEG results came back with no definitive concerns. 

I guess for now as I conclude my rant that I ask one favour, that any and all positive vibes be sent my way today πŸ™.Β 



#specialists #ontariohealthcare #functioningneurology #mentalhealth #suicidalideations #Psilocybin #researchtrial #clinicalstudy #psychiatry #treatmentresistant #selfgaslighting #selfblame #selfhate #angerturnedinward #nomorefuckstogive 

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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