Out of Control

Since my last Ketamine treatment on Saturday night I have been left feeling quite traumatized. I wrote about my experience the day after, (https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2021/11/28/last-night/) thinking it would pass; but the emotions just keep getting stronger. 

With each of my previous six sessions I had experienced different levels of emotional and physical distress during the treatment itself and oftentimes well into the next day as well but nothing (and I mean nothing) could’ve prepared me for “Lucky Number 7”.

I have been struggling for several days now to try and erase the very vivid imagery and extremely overwhelming experience from my memory of what I went through the other night. It’s left me feeling scared and helpless and no matter how hard I seem to try I just can’t make these feelings stop.  

Over the past several years I have experimented a great deal with many different types of Medical Marijuana, Hallucinogens and Psychedelics. All of which have always been in the name of science for me because to be honest, experimenting with drugs has never really been my thing, even back in the day. I never saw its allure. I still don’t!

When someone experiences an emotional or psychological trauma it is usually the result of an extraordinaryly stressful situation leaving them feeling perhaps unsafe, isolated and out of control. 

I have a very difficult time adjusting to the feeling of being out of control. A feeling I’ve dealt with on a daily basis for over 7 years now.

Drugs like Ketamine which are considered to be a sedative, stimulant and psychedelic can easily numb your mind into a disassociative state and impair it to the world around you when taken at a high enough dose. It may also make you feel as though you are completely disconnected from your own body. When taken at a lower dosage however it can create a very spiritual and euphoric experience for many.

The other night was anything but spiritual or euphoric for me at the dose I was administered.

I have never felt so detached from reality. So frightened. So out of control. So powerless. 

But I am still trying with every ounce of strength I have left in me to believe that maybe I had to go through this experience in order to help give my depression the lift it is so longing for.

#ketaminetreatment #treatmentresistantdepression #outofcontrol #mentalhealth #mentalwellness # youareenough #youarenotalone #emotionaltrauma #psychologicaltrauma #psychedelics 

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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