Recap of Yesterday

Yesterday’s experience felt quite different from my first session only days earlier. I know it’s to be expected though when you take any kind of psychedelics.

I’m trying to be strong right now and cling to the hope that this treatment will help give me the relief I’m so desperately longing for. Heck, at this point I’ll take even a fraction of relief which I know in my heart is really all I can do for now but I am also feeling extremely overwhelmed by the thought, even if it’s only a fraction that I will be letting everyone else down as well if it doesn’t help me.

When I arrived at the clinic yesterday the vibe itself also felt quite different. I was welcomed right away with a friendly hello and a warm smile by both the office coordinator and Nurse. They were not the same ladies who’d been working during my last session.

Right away I felt so much more at ease because of the staff which was the completely opposite feeling I had during my entire first appointment. A friendly hello and a warm smile (even if it’s under a mask) can go a very long way.

Before my treatment began and my vitals were taken, the Nurse and I discussed whether or not to increase my dose from the initial one I was given on Tuesday. I was both scared and hesitant to do so given the strong reaction I’d experienced on the lower dose. Just to add to everything else, I had also hurt my back on Thursday morning (when I took a deep breath) and I was still in quite a bit of pain which worried me to think how little control I would have over my body while undergoing treatment.

She assured me that it’s normal to feel this way and that many patients never increase their dose throughout its entirety. She understood my fear and hesitancy as well and said we could always try and do so next time instead if I preferred. No pressure. 

I’m so glad I didn’t. 

My experience this time was quite different than my first one as I mentioned above.

I was offered an anti-nausea medication before I was given the Ketamine tablet to help ease the nausea I had felt last time (which really helped) but I still experienced the same numbness on my lips and tongue, an intensity of brain zaps and some muscle stiffness. What I honestly wasn’t prepared for this time was the build up of emotions that came at the peak of my treatment. 

Suddenly I began having all consuming thoughts of suicide. I became extremely agitated, fidgety and very restless. I ripped off my socks and threw them on the floor. If I could’ve I would’ve ripped off my skin as well.

I felt like I was being smothered. I began to panic and sob. I couldn’t catch my breath or swallow. I could hear the Nurse quickly enter the room. She sounded far away from the echo of my ear pods. She sat down beside me and began soothing me and helping me to calm down. She gave me some water to drink which is kinda hard to do when your lips and tongue are frozen. She kept reassuring me that I was safe and helped me with my breathing. By now my head was pounding and my arms and legs became tingling like there were pins and needles in them. 

I tried to open my eyes. I slowly began my descent back to earth. I felt numb. And defeated. My Nurse however thought I was a total Rockstar! 

#ketaminetreatment #psychedelics #treatmentresistantdepression #suicideawareness #mentalhealth #mentalillness #mentalwellness #youarenotalone #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #reflections

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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