*Very Sensitive Content To Some*

This is the time of year in the Jewish Community, all around the world, religious or not, that we celebrate the Jewish New Year and I just want you to know that there is no right or wrong way to do so. I wrote a blog around the exact same time last year (Sept. 17, 2017) and made a bold confession to you all that I do not believe that God truly exists and to some of you reading this that may be a more difficult pill to swallow than actually trying to comprehend my mental illness itself.

Please don’t judge me when I tell you that I am very proud to be Jewish and that I am also very proud to raise my children Jewish but that I practice my religion and my beliefs for myself and my family and not for any God. I try to instill as many Jewish traditions and customs onto my children as I possibly can and knowing that they are all surrounded by a tremendous community of fellow Jews, I hope they too are just as proud.

I am pretty sure that even if you do believe in a God that at some point in your life you have been left questioning his or her existence too especially when faced with a challenge or a loss. Over the past four years my illness has caused many challenges for me and an immense feeling of loss. Depression challenges my ability to maintain relationships; it challenges my ability to work and to achieve my goals; it challenges my marriage and my ability to parent my children and it also challenges my ability to find the will to live every single day.

These challenges have in turn created a great sense of loss too as depression is like a thief who will stop at nothing to rob you blind. I have lost so many days, so many weeks, so many months and now so many years of my life; I have lost important relationships; I have lost my sense of self and after four very challenging years I really have lost all sense of hope and faith.

I have searched high and low for God, I have cried out to her, I have prayed to her and I have even thanked her out loud many, many times before, but whether it’s been while I am in search of God or through my tears, or in prayer or by showing my gratitude I have simply been met by complete silence. There are so many platitudes that could follow the awkward silence, ones I’m sure we’ve all heard so many times before when dealing with hardship, challenges or loss and it’s wonderful if it helps you get through these adversities but when I hear “God won’t give us more than we can handle”, “It’s God’s Will”, or even, “Why do bad things happen to good people” I pretty much want to cringe because how can we try to rationalize someone else’s pain and suffering or loss when being told that “Everything happens for a reason”?

Are natural disasters, terrorism, murder, losing a child or an illness that may or may not be terminal really “all part of God’s plan”? Maybe? But as the Jewish Community prepares to celebrate the holiest day of the year in the Jewish calendar this week I will continue to feel proud to be Jewish, I will continue to follow many of the Jewish traditions, I will continue to pass down many of the Jewish customs to my children and I will continue to look to my family and community to bring me comfort and help me find the meaning to my life.

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.


  1. You’re not the only one. My mother is Jewish, was brought up religiously but due to some very interesting circumstances, stopped going to anything that even looks like religious services before I was born. I’m 35 and never had a bat mitzvah. My kids didn’t either. My husband is Lutheran and we decided to not baptize our kids and let them choose.


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