*WARNING* TRIGGERING TO SOME
Suicide is complex. Suicide is taboo. Suicide is irrational thinking. Suicide is stigmatized. Suicide is distorted. Suicide is hopelessness. Suicide is guilt. Suicide is permanent.
Suicide is in no way a character flaw, nor does it make you weak, instead it is an overwhelming pain that you wish could go away right now. Over the past few years thoughts of suicide have entered my mind…daily. I’m not going to lie when I tell you that I think about dying more than I think about living. It crosses my unconscious mind probably 10 to 15 times per day, and it can happen anytime or anywhere. I can be waking up in the morning, I can be watching TV, I can be spending time with you, it really has no boundaries.
The act of trying to end my own life has entered my mind, and has been attempted with an unconscious plan. Suicide can be broken down into two ideations, the first being passive and the latter being active. Having active thoughts of suicide means that someone has a strong desire to die and it is accompanied by a concise plan on how to carry out that plan. Being passively suicidal also involves a strong desire to die however there is no concise or active plan in place to attempt or complete their plan.
I have been asked by many Mental Health professionals if I have “a plan” and if so what is it. I have never admitted to an active plan, only to my passive ideations. I have also been asked by many Mental Health professionals what stops me from actively carrying out my passive ideations. The answer is always the same…my kids and the repercussions it would have on their future. They would forever be left with the burden, the guilt, the anger and the grief associated with the stigma surrounding my death.
Unfortunately there have been many times over the past few years when I look at it from a much different perspective. A perspective where I feel so alone, one where I feel like the struggle isn’t worth it, one where I feel defeated by this disease, one where the pain seems like it has exceeded my resources and one where my passive ideations become more active.
Having thoughts of suicide feels like nothing matters and that you are more of a burden to everyone by being alive, and that they would be much better off without you…maybe even happier. I no longer recognize the once happy, outgoing, creative, and caring individual that I once was. Instead I have become an empty, alienated, angry and tired shell of my former self. Feeling suicidal is as though you are stuck inside a tunnel with no way out. It’s dark, it’s scary, it’s lonely and you can’t see the light at the other end so it’s much easier to just give up.
I am trying to refocus my healing process because I am running out of options. Giving up I am told is not an option, so maybe as I refocus my healing process I will be able to one day reach that light at the end of my tunnel.