Maybe I Don’t Want To Get Better

No matter what’s going on in my life I have a very difficult time deriving any joy or pleasure from day to day activities or life events. I mean I do experience happiness in my life but then in the blink of an eye I can manage to twist every ounce of it into despair or displeasure. Just this past week alone there have been many moments of happiness including a long awaited job offer for Rich but I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop because that’s what depression and anxiety do to your mind.

My illness tells me that I don’t deserve to feel any joy or pleasure and maybe it’s right because lately it’s convinced me that maybe I don’t want to get better.
Maybe it’s just easier to surrender to this disease or to live with chronic depression and debilitating anxiety than to try and fight it. It’s kinda become the norm, maybe even somewhat comforting like an old worn out pair of slippers. Maybe if I can accept the fact that I will never get better then there will be less pressure on me as it feels as if it’s what is expected of me nowadays anyways. Maybe I’ve been lying to myself all along that recovery is what I really want.
Trying to pacify my pain and sadness seems near impossible when I’ve been trying for so long and nothing I do seems to be the right answer (including my new medication, see blog “Should I Or Shouldn’t I?”; Oct 30, 2019) which in turn just causes me more pain and more sadness.
Change can be terrifying after all and the truth is that depression and anxiety have become a big part of who I am now and everyone knows that human beings are creatures of habit.
So what if I do conquer this dreadful disease one day, then what am I going to be left with? Who will I become? Where will I belong? Will I have lost my purpose? How will I fit in? The fear of the unknown can sometimes be scarier than the known. Fear feels safe right now and protects me from further failure and hopelessness. But fear also takes away my power and motivation to allow me to find out just how worthy I really am.
#itsoktonotbeok #depression #anxiety
#suicideprevention #whoami #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #checkonyourlovedones #mentalillness #selfcare #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #youarenotalone #fears

Engagement Post

Make time to take care of YOU this weekend. What will your Self-Care include? #takecareofyourself #selfcare #selflove #ichooseme #bekindtoyourself #youareenough #youmatter #mentalwellness πŸ’œπŸ’™β€πŸ’–πŸ§‘πŸ’šπŸ’›

A Broken Mind

I’ve never broken my arm (or leg) before so I can’t actually speak from experience but I’ve been around plenty of people in my lifetime who have. When someone breaks their arm most people’s reaction is likely one of sympathy and support. People around them eagerly want to sign their cast or help ease their pain or reduce the burden from being less mobile. They are forgiven if they can’t participate in the championship game this weekend or understood if they have to cancel an upcoming engagement. And most people will happily send them their good wishes, make sure that they are doing okay and be engaged in genuine conversations about how they are feeling.
When someone is battling a mental illness far too many of us still choose to suffer in silence or feel too afraid to share their story for fear that they will be judged or ridiculed but statistics show that unless you tell someone how you are feeling their illness may go unnoticed until it is sadly too late. And because having a mental illness is still so stigmatized today it makes it that much more difficult for others to acknowledge or accept it like you would when someone is suffering with a physical challenge.
If I had chosen not to share my journey with you or publish my book, most of you reading this right now would more than likely have no idea that I struggle with a mental illness every day. I mean why would you or how could you because it’s not like I’m wearing a cast around my head. If I chose to hide my illness from the outside world I’m guessing that many people who come into contact with me in some form or another would likely look at me as someone who is lazy, anti-social, somewhat flaky or possibly even rude.
Breaking your arm is painful and burdensome and deserves to be treated with sympathy and support from others but why should someone who’s challenges or illness are not visible to the naked eye not deserve the same sympathy and support? Why is it that we don’t feel ashamed when we have a broken arm but too many people in our society still make those battling a mental illness feel very ashamed even though they too are in an enormous amount of pain? Why is it okay to forgive someone who has the limited ability to participate in activities or difficulty going out due to a physical challenge but when faced with the same limitations and more due to a mental illness are looked upon as being weak?
I wrote a blog the other day (The Climb; Oct 20, 2019) about how difficult a time I am having and the reality of it is that I am fighting with every fibre of my being to stay alive right now and if I could stabilize or actually heal my fractured mind with the aid of a bandage around my head I would. I wish that I could help more people take notice of what excruciating pain there is in living with suicidal ideations with the aid of a bandage around my head. I wish I could help more people understand how real this disease is with the aid of a bandage around my head even though there are no physical signs present but what I wish for more than anything is that it would be easier for people to engage in conversations with someone battling a mental illness who is more than a willing participant to share their story without needing to take drastic measures or having the aid of a bandage around their head to prove that they are Ε•eally sick.
The reality is there is no cast to help aid in the healing process of a mental illness but there certainly are many other ways to offer support or show acceptance and love because I really wish more than anything that I or the millions of other people suffering with a mental illness could have brighter days because someone took the time to sign their cast.

The Climb

*May be triggering* if you or someone you know are in crisis please call
1-833-456-4566 (Canada)
I’ve been battling with a lot of demons in my head this week. It’s not like it’s anything new to me as I’ve been battling with these same demons non-stop for more than 5 years now but this time they seem stronger and louder than ever. Much of the time when my suicidal thoughts come and go I’m able to shut them down or sometimes if they catch me totally off guard at the most inopportune moments I can manage to change the conversation or find a distraction, but then there are the days or even weeks like this one when that all seems near impossible and near fatal for me.
I recently came upon a quote from a poet by the name of Najwa Zebian which she wrote: “These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb”. This quote has been on my mind all week as it feels like a metaphor for the demons I am battling right now for those mountains she speaks of are my suicidal thoughts and ideations that keep weighing me down and won’t allow me to climb above.
The thought of climbing that mountain is very scary and very lonely to say the least and the burden of not being able to has become so painfully overwhelming and exhausting. I keep trying to climb the mountain but then I lose my grip and it pulls me back down at full speed like an avalanche crashing through like a herd of wild animals.
One of the best things I can do for myself when the demon’s voice becomes this overpowering is to get up and walk away from it which is what Rich helped me do today. We decided to do a #summerofrich #falledition as the warm fall air and beautiful sunshine allowed us to do.
We visited High Park. What better way to try and climb that mountain than by looking at the gorgeous fall colours, walking the endless wooded trails, stopping to take in the beauty of the calming streams and ponds, breathing in the beautiful historical gardens and landscaping and being able to be up close and personal with the wildlife that lives within the park. I may not have climbed a mountain today but I certainly climbed a lot of hills.
#itsoktonotbeok #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #suicide #mentalhealth #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #checkonyourlovedones #highpark #summerofrich #falledition
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

Feeling the Love

Today my depression had tipped the scale at an eleven on a scale of one to ten. So on a day when I needed to be reminded that I have to keep going and that I can’t give up I opened the mail to find this letter. It is a reminder that I will hold close to my heart knowing how much love and support I have in my life and truly the greatest friendships anyone could ever ask for. πŸ’“πŸ’•πŸ’“πŸ’•

Starting Conversations

Taking a much needed break today on the water, spending time with good friends and some new friends too. Swimming, eating, drinking and chillaxing with a good book. This picture makes my heart so full. Important conversations are happening everywhere! #mentalwellness #selfcare #startaconversation #depression #moms #kidsmentalhealthmatters #youarenotalone #youmatter #itsoktonotbeok #bepresent #endthestigmatogether #wheredidmommyssmilego #summerofrich

What Does Your Best-Self Look Like?

Several months ago I mentioned a newly released bestseller called “Best Self; Be You Only Better” by Life Coach Mike Bayer who works closely with Dr. PHIL so of course I’m obsessed! It’s such an insightful book and I have found myself looking toward it for guidance in recent days as I am trying to fight off my Anti-Self more than ever before in order to become the most authentic and best version of me.
My Anti-Self which Mike talks at great length about in his book is the part of you that can easily become triggered. He tells you to own up to your Anti-Self by naming it which I have and can be summed up in one word: Depression. It’s the enemy that continuously lies to me and puts negative thoughts into my mind. It speaks to me during most of my waking hours and especially when I’m trying to sleep at night. Its unrelenting voice causes self-sabotaging behaviour, denial, hopelessness and worthlessness. It holds me back from being able to feel happy or at peace.
But I need to find my Best-Self in order to kick my Anti-Self in the butt. I need to find out who I really am, who I really want to be which is loving, fearless, joyful, strong and brave; someone who is at their core mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I need to figure out who I am meant to be as I turn the page to a new chapter right now and do so with great purpose.
Can you describe your best self. Can you describe the person that you deserve to be? What would he/she look like. Does your Best-Self have any Superpowers? I’d love to hear from you!
#drphil #mikebayer #antiself #bestself #beyouonlybetter #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #suicide #selfcare #selflove #ichooseme #youarenotalone #endthestigmatogether #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #brave #courage #wheredidmommyssmilego
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.
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