Tag: imperfections

Will The Cravings Ever Stop?

It’s been a hundred and thirty something days since I’ve had a cigarette, not a hundred and thirty something days since I’ve desired a cigarette but a hundred and thirty something days since I last smoked one. There are many days (and nights) that go by now where I barely even think about smoking anymore but the days that I do are fucking hell and last night was probably the worst I’ve experienced, even more so than the first few days after I quit back in January. You all remember January; that cold, dark, dreary month of the year that we all wish we could go back in time to right now. Boy what I’d give to go back there now in a heartbeat, with my concussion and all!

Last night I had a panic attack which only exasperated the exhaustion and overwhelm I was already experiencing and I suddenly felt like a junkie who would do just about anything to get their next “fix”. If you have ever suffered with an addiction of any kind before (drug, alcohol, gambling etc) you can relate to how out of control I felt from my “need” to smoke NOW. I begged Rich to get me a pack of cigarettes and I began envisioning myself sitting on my front porch enjoying the beautiful spring air and thinking that having just 1 cigarette wouldn’t be a big deal at all. 

It’s nights like this that have me thinking I will never be free of cigarettes. But then again is there really a specific timeline as to how long it should take a smoker of over 30 years to fully stop having the desire to smoke?

#iquit #smokefree #youareenough #panicattack #anxiety #depression #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #ahundredandthirtysomethingdays #nonsmoker #cravings 

A Mitzvah

I have a really hard time accepting help from others, that is everyone except for maybe Rich. What does that exactly mean though; well it means that if I allow someone to help me or do something nice for me then that would mean that I’m weak and incapable of doing it myself, right? And wouldn’t it also mean that I’m a failure too?

I know that most people only offer their help without any ulterior motives in mind and that for every 1 person whose willingness to help others may have ill intentions in mind I also know that there are ten more people who are wanting to show their support or lend a helping hand because they genuinely want to help and it actually gives them great joy when doing so.

In the Jewish faith this would be considered a “Mitzvah” or in the English translation it is considered to be a “good deed” to help someone with a conscious act or emphasis on kindness and empathy.

Throughout my journey I have had no shortage of kindness and empathy or heartfelt sentiments being offered up to me and my family at any given time but it’s always hard for me to let others help me and most of the time I honestly can’t even explain the reason why. 

I know my illness has a lot to do with it as I am constantly telling myself that I’m weak, I’m incapable, I’m a failure, I’m unworthy, I’m undeserving and I’m useless. I feel as though I have no control over my life whatsoever and then to allow others to help me feels like I am giving up complete control all together and making me feel even more vulnerable. Oh and my favourite of course is the guilty feeling I get when someone does something kind for me. 

Over the last few weeks and even more so this week I have recieved an abundance of kindness from loved ones, acquaintances and even strangers, offering to help me in whatever capacity they can with my Initiative. Maybe now would be the perfect time for me to embrace the moment and give others the opportunity to feel the same way I feel every time I brighten up a young person’s day!!

#mitzvah #kindness #kindnessmatters #empathy #joy #helpinghands #youareenough #noshame #endthestigmatogether #youarenotalone 

Should The #Summerofrich Be Cancelled Too?


It was yet another difficult week in our home last week when reality smacked us right in the face once again with the news that our girls would not be going away to camp this summer. And even though it too didn’t come as any big surprise for us, we had all just been trying to hold on to whatever little bit of hope we had left in order to somehow try and save part of their summer (and ours!).

With the girls now not going to camp this summer also meant that there would be no official #summerofrich either. For those of you who have been following my journey for some time now already know what the #summerofrich is (and many seem to really enjoy following it too lol) but for those of you who don’t know or who may have forgotten or who truly don’t give a rat’s ass about the #summerofrich I will tell you about it anyways. 

Rich (like many other loving parents) begins to countdown as to how many days are left until the kids leave for camp the next summer; from the moment they return home from the summer before (don’t even dare try to deny that you aren’t one of those parents too lol). 

Yes of course he loves his kids but he also needs the break, he also deserves the break and he has also earned the break. It’s not like our kids are toddlers or such anymore who need constant supervision but for Rich, summertime has become a much needed, much deserved and very much earned mental break.

For six years now Rich has had to take on both the roles of mom and dad along with the cook, the maid, the chauffeur, the psychologist, the schlepper and countless other roles too and so when the kids leave for camp (even if it’s only 2 now instead of all 3) for 7 to 8 weeks a summer it has become his time to destress, push the reset button, take a step back and try to relax somewhat. 

As I said above it’s not like our kids are toddlers anymore or need constant supervision that we can’t still try and make the best of the #summerofrich 2020 with a revised edition (we probably won’t be getting our annual summer “husband and wife pedicures” any time soon or taking walks along the beach either). 

So here’s a sneak peak at what the revised edition of the #summerofrich and Camp Fluxgold may look like (see pics). All that is still missing is a fire pit to make s’mores and sing songs around with friends and family in arms reach!

#ichooseme #youarenotalone #selfcare #summertime #poolside #relaxation #hiking #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #takecareofeachother #strongertogether #family #friendship #campismentalwellness #swimtime #firepit #newpool #everyoneneedsarich #everyoneintothepool

Yesterday

Yesterday was one of those days. The kind of day where nothing seems to go right, where the overwhelm gets to be too much and when the thoughts in my head go from passive ones to active ones. 

I struggle pretty much daily with suicidal thoughts and ideations but most days I am able to shut them down, ignore them or find a way to distract myself.  But some days it’s much, much more difficult to shut them down, ignore them or find a way to distract myself. Some days no matter how much I try, I can’t seem to pull myself out from underneath it and I begin to believe that the world would be a better place without me in it.

Depression is very tiring but battling suicidal thoughts and ideations has to be the most emotionally exhausting thing ever. My best advice; Don’t even try to battle it alone, it’s way bigger than you are. Trust me, the walk around the block late last night with Rich by my side made the world feel a lot less scary.

#reallife #callforhelp #askforhelp #endthestigmatogether #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #depression #anxiety #masksoff #suicide #suicideprevention #checkonyourlovedones #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #iwantacigarette #mentalillness #mentalhealth

This Is Us; 25 Years Later

It was exactly 25 years ago today that the fabulous and fun loving photographer Elliot Sylman captured the true beauty and essence of one of the best days in both Rich’s and my life and so what better way to honour our 25th Wedding Anniversary today (since that cruise around the world I had all planned out in my head ain’t happening😛) than to have that same fabulous and fun loving photographer capture the true beauty and essence of our life together 25 years later with his amazing Covid-19 Initiative @theporchpics.

Several months ago (Pre-Covid-19) I mentioned to Rich that I had a really strong desire to renew our wedding vows for our 25th Anniversary. He kinda laughed it off each time I brought it up and thought I was kinda kidding whenever I did, but deep down inside I kinda wasn’t.

As most of you already know by now, the last six years have been bloody hell for us and has left our marriage tried, tested and completely put through the wringer somedays but through it all our marriage has stood the test of time.

Marriage takes a lot of hard work and a mutual understanding, it takes tears and forgiveness, it takes good communication, it takes lots and lots of laughter and fun and it takes sacrifice and compromise mixed in with a whole lot of unconditional love.

I’m not really sure why I’ve had the overwhelming desire to renew our wedding vows, but today as we take each other’s hand and jump feet first together into our Second Act, somehow doing @theporchpics with my beautifully imperfect family by my side is all the renewal I truly need right now. 

I love you to the moon and back Rich, you are my forever and a day. Thank you for keeping me safe and for all that you are and all that you do for our family; there is no one else in this great big crazy world I’d rather be quarantined with either!! In SICKNESS and in HEALTH until death do us part.

#thisisus #twentyfive #silveranniversary #happyanniversary #everyoneneedsarich #myreasonswhy #myeverything #mybetterhalf #summerofrich #summerofus #ourfamily #family #familymatters #weddingvows #celebration #youareenough #cheers #renewal #theloveofafamily #throughgoodtimesandbad #insicknessandinhealth #honestlyspeaking #imperfectlyperfect #imperfectlybeautiful #cheerstomanymore #strongertogether #quarantineanniversary #mentalhealth #mentalillness #depression #anxiety @reenafoundation

A Lovely Stranger

On our way home from delivering some lawn signs this afternoon throughout the Brampton, Mississauga, Oakville, Milton and Burlington area Rich and I happened upon a Trail that we probably would have otherwise never knew existed. 

We decided to park our car and go explore the trail for a bit and try to enjoy some of the sunshine and warmth of the beautiful spring day (finally!). 

Something (or maybe someone) pulled us to the direction of this Trail today because while walking down the path we came upon this note (see pics) that was left purposefully on the ground next to some painted rocks. I bent down and read the note (don’t worry I didn’t touch it!) and then snapped a picture of it to hold on to because some “lovely stranger” left me a message today of hope and kindness and now I want to pass it along to you. XOXO 

#kindness #payitforward #ineededthistoday #kindnessmatters #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #summerofrich #summerofus #nature #babygeese #spiritualhealing #passiton #nature

Lend An Ear


It’s okay to admit that you desire comfort in your life and I’m pretty sure that right now most of us are in dire need of some extra comfort. 

Whether we need to be soothed or consoled or reassured; being comforted by someone can help lessen our sadness, our distress and our sorrow. 

Yes we all have a desire for comfort in our life which can bring about feelings of contentment, feelings of relief and feelings of warmth. And even if comfort may look different to each one of us, just knowing that you have someone nearby who can lend an ear to you is definitely a great place to start. 

#mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #itsoktonotbeok #advocate #depression #anxiety  #mentalillness #suicide #youarenotalone #youareenough #noshame #comfort #comfortzone #maggie #checkonyourlovedones #lendanear #leanonme #togetherapart 

This Mother’s Day


Two years ago on Mother’s Day I Chose “Me” and for the first time since becoming a mom twenty years earlier I did Mother’s Day my way that year and it was the best day ever. 

I planned the entire day’s events for just the five of us (if I’m gonna choose me I better make sure I’m doing what I want to do!!!) which included a gorgeous hike in the Niagara Escarpment, a picnic lunch in the park that we packed ahead of time, some cross Border shopping in the U.S of A and then we finished off the day before heading back home at one of my favorite restaurants in the States that closed down in Canada some 10 years earlier (I think it’s closer to 15 years by now).

This year Mother’s Day is going to look and feel a whole lot different for most of the world (that is if your part of the world actually celebrates Mother’s Day this weekend!) and when I reflect back on Mother’s Day two years ago it’s amazing and terribly dispiriting all at the same time to see that even if we wanted to we couldn’t replicate one single activity tomorrow from that day. 

We won’t be able to go hiking as all of Ontario’s beautiful Conservation Parks are closed, we won’t be having a picnic in the park because it could cost us a hefty fine of $800 if we do, we won’t be crossing the Border into the U.S of A because well the Border itself is temporarily closed (thank goodness!!!), we won’t be able to stroll through a mall for our new summer wardrobe because well the malls are also closed (and who needs summer clothes anyways, it’s fucking snowing in May) and lastly we won’t be able to dine in at one of my favorite restaurants either (I wonder if Uber eats is allowed to cross the Border??🤪). 

Well even though we may not be able to partake in one single activity from that Mother’s Day two years ago we are still lucky enough to be able to spend the whole day together, just the five of us (whether we like it or not right now lol). We are also lucky enough to still be able to create new memories to look back on from that Mother’s Day we spent in quarantine because of “that” deadly Coronavirus Pandemic. But, as we do one day reflect back on this Mother’s Day in the years to come I hope we will also remember it as the year that the world learned to be even just a little more grateful for all the richness that we have in our lives and that it was also in that same year the world learned to slow down and appreciate the little things in life that we once took for granted. 

Please check out my blog “This Mother’s Day I Choose Me”, May 11.2018 https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2018/05/11/this-mothers-day-i-choose-me 

#ichooseme #happymothersday #mothersday2020 #theyearofgratitude #stopandsmelltheroses #moms #youareenough #grateful #family #wearefamily #familymatters #memories #quarantine #strongertogether 

We’re All In Different Boats


Even though we may all be weathering the same storm together does not mean that we are doing so from the same boat. Some of us may feel like a castaway on a deserted island with a broken raft and no paddle to steer us home while others may feel like they are peacefully sailing through a remote Tropical Island in a big Yacht straight out of “Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous”.

Some of us are enjoying this time to slowly paddle our boat on a private lake and breathe in the fresh air and see our reflection on the water and actually like what we see, but for many more of us we may just be trying to brave the heavy waves on the ocean without capsizing our boat and praying we don’t fall into the shark pit below.

For many of us we are all alone in our boat, and the murky water surrounding us feels empty and the skies above us are dark and then you suddenly look across the way from you and through the fog you can see another boat in the distance filled with the love of a family, singing and dancing without a cloud in the sky above them.

For many of us right now we don’t have the means to fix the holes in our boat and it feels like we are sinking very fast without having a life preserver to keep our head above the water while others are still able to put their feet up on deck and use this time to map out their next adventure, a relaxing sail around the world. And then there are those who have no time to dock their motorboat right now because they are too busy working to help the rest of us try and stay afloat.

Yes we are all in different boats and sailing on very different journeys but we still share the same land and water which is why now would be the perfect time for all of us to anchor our boats next to one another (6 feet apart of course), not so we can compare them, not so we can judge them but so we can unite together as we weather the storm. 

#bekind #weatherthestorm #youareenough #wereallinthistogether #strongertogether #kindnessiskey  ##mentalhealthawarenessmonth #covid19 #selfcare #virtualhugs #checkonyourlovedones 

Facebook “Cares”

Wow Facebook I just “LOVE” your new “LIKE” emoji called “CARE”.  And what better time to introduce it than right now in the midst of a Global Pandemic and at the start of Mental Health Awareness Month. We all need to support each other more than ever and lift each other up more than ever and check on each other more than ever and be kind to one another more than ever and show that we “care” more than ever.

So go ahead and give a shout out to a loved one, show someone how much you appreciate them, pay someone a compliment, be the voice that spreads positively; not fear, let someone know they inspire you, tell someone why they make your life better, make someone smile who is struggling, let someone know why you believe in them.

Even in a time of Quarantine it is so simple to show someone they matter to you and that you “CARE” about them. 

#care #clickofabutton #carebutton #facebook #youmatter #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #quarantine #yourmentalhealthmatters #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #selfcare #endthestigmatogether #youarenotalone #kindness