This piece I wrote 4 years ago (link below) is still one of my favorite and most meaningful pieces I’ve ever written (before I started my blog). It showed up yesterday in my memory wall on Facebook and I felt like sharing it again with you.
Being a hockey (goalie) mom has been one of the greatest titles I’ve ever held. It’s been a few years since I’ve actually seen Jacob play as he’s now in an adult league and it seems shunned upon to have your mommy in the stands cheering you on (especially a neurotic goalie’s mom!) but at least I have the most amazing memories to hold on to. I rarely ever missed a game even during his last few years, I was there to cheer him on; nothing would keep me out of the stands (or behind the glass), not even when I was on a day or weekend pass from a hospital stay!
January is behind me now and all I can say about that is good riddance to you and don’t let the cold air hit you in the face on the way out. I had big intentions for January which included great forethought and planning after purposely taking some much needed downtime for myself for much of December. Yes January, you really let me down big time but you also taught me a thing or two about myself as well.
I spent the month resting and for the better part of it I needed to do so in order to recuperate from my concussion but at the same time I got quite comfortable doing so, possibly too comfortable. As someone who battles with depression everyday, it’s not ideal to want to be in bed all day and night, even if you may need to. I have to say though that one thing that helped me survive the month of January was believe it or not, Social Media.
I’m not afraid to admit it but I love Facebook and I’m not gonna apologize for it either, nor do I have any intentions to use it less, in fact I need to use it even more… intentionally. Facebook and other forms of Social Media have become a place for me to express myself, engage in meaningful conversations, inspire and be inspired, motivate and be motivated and a place where I have created many genuine and intentional friendships as well.
Social Media has allowed me to speak my truth, help others speak their truth and when I need a little extra emotional support I know that my online community is always there for me. Trust me I have lots of emotional support from my “real” friends and family too but just knowing how many people I have cheering me on from the sidelines is a true blessing.
Since starting my blog and publishing my book I’ve needed Social Media more than ever and I have learned how to navigate it with the greatest intent of continuing to keep building a bigger and better platform to ensure my message is heard and heard loudly. I’m having a hard time getting back on track and just so overwhelmed right now but hopefully February has much better intentions for me! At least there is one thing I know for sure that February has in store, only 47 more days until Spring!
Yesterday’s Bell Let’s Talk initiative raised over 7.5 million dollars all because of you! Bell’s initiative is considered to be the largest mental health movement in the entire world (#proudcanadian) and even saw the likes of @ellendegeneres tweeting out #BellLetsTalk hashtags!
Since its conception 10 years ago there has been a definite step in the right direction as to how we talk about mental illness and Bell’s generous initiative and donations year after year are helping to make a difference in the lives of so many communities even if some choose to not believe it. I mean can you tell me what other big corporations do you know of that are dedicated to donating that much money to help support research, development and mental health across Canada?
And for me yesterday while reading so many heartfelt stories on social media by people opening up about their own personal struggles with mental illness was the icing on the cake. For some it was their very first time (that takes a whole lot of courage, trust me I know!)and it also brings us one step closer to ending the stigma. Having the courage to share your struggles openly, honesty and with vulnerability may just be the key that unlocks someone else’s ability to start their own conversation and find the strength to ask for help. So please, let’s keep the conversation going every single day and if you ever need someone to talk to day or night I am always here to listen, without judgment!
I thought I’d share a blog I wrote 1 year ago today on the 7th Anniversary since Jacob and Hannah’s B’nai Mitzvah. Now 8 years later it is still one of the greatest days of my life. Today is also the 3rd Anniversary since I began sharing my story with all of you, the day I decided to reach outside my comfort zone in order to help others to understand the many faces of depression and anxiety and to help end the stigma together. Since that day 3 years ago, sharing my journey has allowed me to stop my fear of judgment in its tracks and squash many of the misconceptions surrounding mental illness as well. I have also learned so much about myself and have grown in ways I never thought possible.
Yesterday was a good reminder for all of us just how fragile life truly is and that we should never take it for granted. Yesterday was also a reminder that no-one on this earth is invincible and that tomorrow is never promised. Today as the world mourns the loss of Kobe Bryant, his beautiful daughter Gianna and their seven friends that perished alongside them we must remember that Kobe was so much more than a basketball hero; he was a son, a husband, a father, a humanitarian and a legend. One of his many mantras that he lived life by was “live today to inspire tomorrow” and boy did he ever live up to this in so many ways for so many people.
When I heard the news of Kobe’s passing through a text message from our son I was at, of all places, a Shiva for a friend’s father who had recently passed away at the ripe ‘ole age of 93. For those of you who may not know what a Shiva is, it is a week-long mourning period in the Jewish faith which begins immediately following the burial. A Shiva allows for a parent, a sibling, a spouse and/or a child of the deceased to accept visitors during this period of mourning to give their condolences and to provide comfort to the mourners.
As the news began to spread feverishly around the world many people looked to find their own ways to comfort one another and find meaning from this tragic loss of life. And in that very moment, as I was surrounded by a room full of mourners I found comfort and meaning in one of Kobe’s many life messages as I suddenly found myself face to face with a grievance from my past by someone who had wronged me many years ago and who just so happened to be standing two feet in front of me! In that moment I needed to make peace in my heart because after all, tomorrow may never come. I’ve held a lot of anger and resentment toward this individual for all these years but suddenly it felt so insignificant and unworthy.
Throughout the better part of my illness I have spent a lot of time examining and re-examining past relationships including this one and I know that in order for me to move forward I need to learn how to let go of the pieces of my past that affect my wellbeing the most because life is too short and so yesterday I took another step toward finding peace in my heart after our brief but purposeful encounter! #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #courage #kindness #lifestooshort #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #purpose #letitgo Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.
So I’ve made it 12 days now without smoking a cigarette. The first week was pretty easy compared to the days that have followed. I thought it was supposed to get easier over time but clearly I was wrong. Maybe it’s because during that first week I was much less mobile still due to my concussion and once I started to feel better I began to miss it more?
That first day I quit smoking it wasn’t a rash decision, it was something I had been thinking about for quite awhile, well probably for years but that day I finally felt ready. I hadn’t discussed my decision with anyone, not even Rich because I didn’t want to disappoint him if I didn’t follow through with it but once I smoked that last cigarette in my pack and did not attempt to purchase a new pack I felt like the only way I was going to make it through day one was by holding myself accountable.
Holding yourself accountable for something is more than just taking responsibility for your actions but in the long run it’s more about being able to answer to those actions. That is why I didn’t just send Rich a quick text message that morning while he was at work letting him know the good news, I also took to Facebook, WordPress, Instagram and Twitter to let everyone else know too!
If I didn’t tell anyone my plan to quit smoking that day then I’d have had no accountability for my actions, I’d have had no one to disappoint if I didn’t follow through with my actions and I’d have had no real incentive for my actions. By telling you my plan to quit smoking that day has helped make the process and my progress much more meaningful knowing just how invested so many of you are in helping me achieve my goals successfully. I’m glad I have so many of you in my life to help motivate me and always keep me accountable. #accountability #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youarenotalone #selfcare #ichooseme #concussion #quitsmoking #daytwelve
Now that my concussion symptoms have subsided what better way to work on improving some of my cognitive skills that have been severely lacking over the last few weeks than with a brand new puzzle!
It’s been a very long week for me, well to be quite honest it’s been a helluva long year so far (a whole 24 days in) and I think I need a do over. And what the heck was I possibly thinking when amidst all the chaos in my life this month I decided I wanted to quit smoking because there just wasn’t enough on my plate already!
I’m experiencing an unbearable amount of overwhelm between recuperating from my concussion (which seems to be 99.9 % better), quitting smoking cold turkey ten days ago, tending to some very private family matters and learning how to rid both my body and mind of some very personal demons I’m fighting off so I’m kinda just barely holding on to the edge of that cliff right now (and I’m not sure if I may of mentioned too that my mother’s been in the hospital once again for the past two weeks).
So in all reality I haven’t quite taken too many steps forward into the new year or gotten back on track like I’d hoped to and well, to be honest again, I feel like I’ve taken so many more steps backwards instead. I know I don’t give myself any credit for the things I have done because my memory is very short term and seems to only have the capacity to hold onto the negative parts. But I also know that without all the help and support I’ve received not just today or last week but over the course of my illness I’d have surely let go long ago.
Asking for help may be looked at by many as a sign of weakness but as difficult as it may be, asking for help is actually the complete opposite. Asking for help shows great strength, courage and bravery. When faced with mental health challenges, asking for help can be even more challenging but if there is one thing I have learned throughout my journey it’s how important it is to let your loved ones (or an entire community in my case) in because how else can they be there for you and give their support to you otherwise.
I admit, I find it very difficult to ask for help because I feel like I am enough of a burden to others as it is and even when help is genuinely offered to me I am always hesitant to accept it because well it kinda feels like you have lost all control but truth be told that theory went out the window almost six years ago for me when I basically lost control of my mind. Over time I have learned to surrender to those feelings and I know how important it is to show others your vulnerable side which takes great strength as well and once you have the ability to let your guard down you will see that even you deserve a little help sometimes.
Sold my first book across “The Pond” today! We may be complete strangers and seem worlds apart from one another but we have a bond that is bigger and stronger than any Mountain or Sea that separates us. Mental illness affects us all! Mental illness does not discriminate!
Every year on January 19 since I first posted this photo in 2015, along with a short message, it pops up as a memory on my Facebook wall. The first couple of years it would pop up I found it to be somewhat emotional for me to even look at and have to revisit the memory of a time I’d sooner forget, but now I know that this memory signifies much more than just about the first time I was discharged from a hospital stay where I had just spent over 3 months in psychiatric care. I know now that it is a piece of my journey and a special reminder of what living with a mental illness has taught me about life since then.
This photo reminds me that I need to keep living with my mental illness with authenticity because being honest with your loved ones or not worrying about feeling judged by others will help diminish your pain knowing just how many people are truly in your corner.
This photo reminds me what the meaning of real friendship is. Knowing there is always someone there for you ready to make you laugh or ready to wipe away your tears, without judgment.
This photo also reminds me that it’s okay to not be okay and that reaching out for help is more than okay when you need to. And that asking for help shows so much strength and courage.
This photo reminds me of the importance of kindness and how a kind action or a kind word can and will change the course of someone else’s day and a kind action or a kind word can and will impact the course of someone’s life as well.
YouAreEnough 
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