I wish sometimes you could just read my mind, I wish sometimes it was just that simple.
I wish sometimes you could just see my pain and my sadness and my intrusive thoughts so clearly written all over my face.
I wish sometimes you could just read the pain and the sadness and the intrusive thoughts written all over your child’s face or your best friend’s face or your neighbor’s face or your coworker’s face but depression often likes to wear a mask.
I have learned to wear a mask, it’s perfectly fitted in a way that allows me to hide my pain when I am able to, it’s perfectly fitted in a way that allows me to hide my sadness for whom I need to and it’s perfectly fitted in a way that allows me to hide my intrusive thoughts from those I want to.
It’s perfectly fitted and yet way more suffocating than my pain, my sadness and my intrusive thoughts combined.
I wish sometimes I could just throw away my mask forever.
*I know how difficult it is right now for everyone so please don’t hesitate to call Kid’s Helpline 1-800-668-6868 Suicide Prevention Hotline (Canada) 1833-456-4566 for help and please remember that I’m always here to listen to your pain, your sadness and your intrusive thoughts: guilt free and judgment free, masks on and off.*
Rich is a definite creature of habit and routine is very important to him (he’s definitely not alone in his thinking in our home as I am sure is the case in many homes around the world). Having his routine disrupted has been an unfortunate reality for him several times over the last few years but now more than ever. Keeping a somewhat “normal” routine may be nearly impossible to do right now for many of us. Are you finding it difficult to stick to your routine? What are you doing to try and keep to a somewhat “normal” routine? Do you find it is helping maintain your mental wellness? Would love for you to share some of your thoughts.
Over the last few weeks or months, depending on where you live in this great big world you have experienced loss. Loss is an inevitable part of one’s life, but we now find ourselves having to deal with so many different types of loss all at once and as we all know, healing from loss can be the most difficult time in someone’s life.
We are all grieving from our losses right now and it will take time to heal when many of us begin to move through the grieving process. Many people have lost loved ones during this Pandemic, but loss of a loved one is not the only reason we need to grieve. Think about how much you have lost already in such a short time.
We collectively have lost our freedom to leave our homes, many have lost their jobs and financial stability, we have lost the ability to hug our loved ones or go to the park with our kids or meet a friend for coffee at Starbucks and children have lost the right to go to school and learn.
Many of our sudden and very painful losses has left the world in chaos and panic and of course in grief and with grief comes an array of emotions. Fear, sadness, irritability, anger, anxiety, depression, difficulty concentrating, remorse, a lack of security, a lack of motivation, guilt, frustration and an overwhelming numbness just to name a few.
And just so you know, it’s more than okay to feel these emotions and many others too. It’s also okay to allow yourself to take your time when you begin your healing process and to allow yourself to feel your emotions, allow yourself to ask for help, allow yourself to take care of you and most importantly allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you need.
Do not let anyone tell you how to grieve, or judge you for how you choose to grieve or for how long it takes you to heal. We will all go through the stages of grief in our own way and in our own time but no one can tell you when you should “accept” (final stage of the grieving process) your grief except you and only you.
There is still so much uncertainty right now pertaining to the rest of the current school year and for 2 of my kids this isn’t really an issue given that my son is done school already and one daughter is just completing her last few weeks of her 3rd year of University which is now being done all online, but then there is my youngest daughter who is just a few short months away from her High School Graduation and it’s beyond heartbreaking to think that she could miss out on the best and most defining moments of her High School career.
March Break is now officially over for us Ontarions and early this morning my daughter should have been returning home from her Graduation trip to Punta Cana with her friends, but instead she is at home unable to return to school for another 2 weeks, but whose kidding who, it’s going to be much longer than that and there has been quite a bit of buzz over the last few days that school could actually be cancelled for the remainder of the year.
As of right now there has not been any concrete plan put into place for this very possible and very devastating scenario, the one where my daughter doesn’t get to go to her High School Prom or attend her Graduation Ceremony but ya at least she has the accessibility to finish up her school year online if need be. But not every child can do so, in fact many children and their families don’t have computer or internet access in their home and have always relied on the available and free resources from our schools and libraries.
And right now many parents are panicking and rightfully so, but can we just take a step back for a moment (we have nothing better to do right now anyways). We as parents are under a tremendous amount of stress, overwhelm and anxiety about how they are going to be able to “homeschool” their children when the reality is, we aren’t meant to homeschool our kids unless that was the path you had already chosen for them. And an even bigger reality right now is that if school is to be cancelled for the remainder of the school year we honestly have so much more to be worried about than learning fractions or Shakespeare (he needs to be scraped from the curriculum all together!).
I really don’t think I need to tell you what it means if this pandemic continues right through to the summer. Right now we need to support each other as parents and remember that many parents may be doing this parenting and social distancing thing alone or maybe they are coping with the stressors that come along with having a child with special needs or maybe they are new to Canada and haven’t yet grasped the English language or maybe they are dealing with some physical or emotional issues.
Whatever it is that someone else may be going through we need to stop judging each other. Whatever way you are able to get through today and tomorrow and the day after that, remember that you are a good parent and doing the best you can to survive these unprecedented times.
So for now while we wait for what’s to come in the next few weeks try to focus on some kind of routine, but one which allows room for lots of flexibility and lots of outdoor recess and naptime. Now is as good a time as ever to slow down because we ain’t going anywhere anytime soon. Also let’s remember that our main objective as parents and human beings right now is to keep you and your family safe as best you can.
There will be so many opportunities for teachable moments throughout the day and maybe it will happen while you’re baking cookies, laughing at a TV show or taking a walk outside or maybe while you’re playing a game or painting a picture. Homeschooling needs to be about self-care which as I said above is much more important right now than fractions (and for sure Shakespeare; sorry to my Shakespeare fans).
So considering my illness feels like it’s hit an iceberg and is causing me to suffer with daily headaches to boot, I will continue to try my best to be the best parent I know how by ensuring that my kids all get an A+ for doing their part in watching way too much Netflix while they help to flatten the curve.
I haven’t slept much all week (it’s well after 3 am as I write this) but it’s not like that’s really out of the ordinary for me anyways (I write some of my best shit at 3 am). Life has been anything but ordinary this week for any of us as we try to collectively navigate our way through our new way of life and learn a whole new lingo while we’re at it.
I mean it’s not every day that the only words we hear on the street, on the news or on Facebook are words like State of Emergency, Lockdown, Quarantine, Self Isolation and Social Distancing. It actually feels quite ironic to me because as someone who suffers with Depression, Anxiety and Suicidal thoughts these words have pretty much defined my life for the last 6 years already. My illness makes me react to everything like I’m in a State of Emergency, it’s left me in Lockdown too many times to count, it’s paralyzed me with fear to the point that I’ve needed to quarantine, I’ve felt the need to self isolate when others make me feel like I am contagious and of course whenever I’m in a big crowd (like over 10 people) I am left begging for some much needed social distancing.
Suddenly the whole world knows what it feels like to be held in captivity, suddenly the whole world knows what it feels like when you feel you have no control over anything, suddenly the whole world knows what it feels like to have crazy, f#*ked up thoughts day and night, suddenly the whole world knows what it feels like to feel helpless and sad every single day while trying to make others understand that none of us chose or would ever willingly choose to live this way. Suddenly the whole world knows what it feels like to suffer with Anxiety and Depression every day. And now imagine navigating through all that lingo for 6 very long years or even more.
I have found myself writing a lot more than normal over the past week or so and posting way more than I ordinarily do but as I said above, these are far from ordinary times. I find writing is the only thing that’s keeping me going right now. My mind is so fricken cluttered with negative thoughts and writing is the best way to let my creativity explode and let that negative thinking explode too. I’m feeling extremely closed in (which I’m sure most of you are) and I’ve shed more tears this week than I thought was possible but writing and sharing help give me some clarity.
Sometimes I write in the hope of making you laugh, sometimes I write in the hope of distracting you, sometimes I write in the hope of engaging you in conversation, sometimes I write in hope of making you feel less alone, sometimes I write in hope of keeping you grounded or mindful and often I write just because it’s the only way of socially distancing myself from the State of Emergency going down in my head!
If you’re feeling lonely, vulnerable, isolated, anxious or afraid (or maybe all of them) right now then take a step outside for a moment and look up at the sky above you (wherever you are day or night) and know that no matter where you are in the world that we all share the same beautiful sky. So reach your hands up in the air as high up as you can, close your eyes, take a deep breath and imagine for a moment the whole world united by that same beautiful sky.
A beautiful “pick me up” email I received today on what feels otherwise very sombering. I always love receiving emails from Amazon informing me that I’ve just sold a book, but when I see that one person/organization bought 5 at one time makes my heart overflow with joy.
The term “Social Distancing” seems kind of ironic given the technological era that we live in which makes it nearly impossible to distance ourselves socially. Technology today allows us to not only never have to step outside of our homes again but it also allows us to still be the very social beings that humans instinctively are. Always having access to email, text messaging, Social Media platforms or being able to Facetime someone on the other side of the world any time of day gives us the opportunity to always stay social and can also allow us to stay connected to one another. Oh and the best part is that we never have to feel like we are missing out on each other’s lives.
Because right now we are physically missing out on each other’s lives more than ever and being able to stay socially connected during a time of “Social Distancing” makes everything feel a little less scary. Would you agree?
Just a few short months ago my husband was working for a company which is owned and operated in China. When the Coronavirus first hit China, several employees in his office were frequently travelling back and forth from there for both business and pleasure. The virus was still so new, so uncertain and seemingly so far away from this side of the world but precautions were immediately put into place and employees returning from China were being asked to stay home for a week and then eventually two.
But still it seemed so far out of our reach and not so serious, especially when the employees coming back from China didn’t seem too phased by what was happening just more inconvenienced and bothered than anything else for being told to self quarantine.
So for me and probably millions of others who continued to go about their normal daily routines, just keeping one eye on the news reports, but feeling no real sense of urgency thousands of miles away; suddenly all that changed in what felt like the blink of that same eye that had been passively watching the news from a world away.
I wrote a blog just ten short days ago on March 7, 2020 titled “Should I Add It To My List?” where I mentioned how I was not allowing the Pandemic to get the better of me even after it was declared a “Global Pandemic”. I already have enough stress, overwhelm and anxiety in my life to sink a ship but I wasn’t worried about contracting the virus or that my loved ones would either and I didn’t run out panic buying toilet paper or concerning myself with all the fake news reports I was reading but as you know a lot has changed since I wrote that blog.
The world is literally changing minute by minute now, right before our eyes and with each passing moment there is more and more cause for concern, more and more uncertainty and more and more desperation. But it wasn’t until I saw the devastation unfold in Italy that it truly made this feel so real as to how quickly things can go from bad to beyond imaginable.
I am feeling more and more helpless and completely unfocused or motivated with each passing moment and yes I have tried to turn away from the news but it’s like watching a horror movie when you try to look away but you find yourself hiding under the blanket with one eye peering out from under it; I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. The devastation our world is in right now is alarming, disappointing and yes it’s downright inconvenient to billions around the globe and not to mention right in our own backyard.
Because of the uncertain state of the world right now my youngest daughter is at home instead of enjoying her March Break with her friends on her Grade 12 Graduation trip they had been planning for their entire High School career and what’s even worse than that, with all this uncertainty going on will she even be able to attend her Prom or walk across the stage to receive her High School Diploma in June?
And this devastation has left many people unable to work, many possibly unable to pay bills or put enough food on their table because businesses are closing their doors and nobody can really say for how long at this point. And if you’re in search of a job right now all together as my husband is, well that just adds a whole other set of uncertainty and fear into the mix.
We are all dealing with so many mixed emotions and so much uncertainty, inconvenience and disappointment are among those emotions that we are dealing with but it’s perfectly okay to feel them all. We are only human after all; angry, frightened humans.
But today I also find myself wondering if the world will ever be able to bounce back from this, will we ever fully recover like we have with other Pandemics (all without the aid of social media), will life as we once knew it ever be the same again? Well maybe it’s better if it’s not, maybe if we are lucky enough, when this is all over, we will be left with a gentler, kinder and more united world to live in. It’s St. Patrick’s Day after all, so let’s all go searching today for that four leaf clover in a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow and make a darn good wish when you find it!
Boy did I pick the wrong decade to quit smoking. I came very close to caving today, probably the closest I’ve come in the 2 months since quitting. My mental health has gotten the best of me. I went to the store today where I’ve been buying my cigarettes for years, the woman working behind the counter asked me how I am doing and of course the tears began flowing down my cheeks as I stood there staring right through her at the shelving of cigarettes mounted to the wall above her head. I wiped away my tears, took a deep breath and decided maybe winning the lottery was a better choice for me today instead.
YouAreEnough 
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