YouAreEnough

*Trigger Warning ⚠️; mentions suicide 

Some days feel worse than others.


I didn’t sleep last night and the physical symptoms I’ve been experiencing for more than a year now were keeping me awake. My racing thoughts took a very dark turn.


I spiraled fast, convincing myself that the symptoms I was experiencing at 2 AM were far worse than what a “normal” day looks like for me; and Dr. Google agreed!


Before leaving for work this morning, emotionally exhausted and with a horrible headache, I fell into the comfort of Rich’s warm embrace, sobbing. The overwhelm of life in general right now became too much to handle and I needed a release.  


I think part of my overwhelm of life right now stems from my upcoming birthday next week. Age has never really been a thing for me. Turning 40 was no big deal. Neither was 50 in the grand scheme of my life, but as 52 quickly approaches, suddenly age feels different and scary. I’m reminded how shortly after my mother turned 52 (25 years ago) and just weeks after becoming a grandmother (Bubbie) for the first time, she suffered a near fatal heart attack which led to an emergency triple bypass within hours. She was quite young considering. 


I’m struggling with the thought of turning 52 to the point where maybe I’m looking too deep into signs which my own health mimics that of my mother’s at that same age. 


As someone who lives with daily suicidal ideations I can tell you how scary and messy and exhausting it is to always feel like you don’t want to be here anymore, but at the same time, too afraid to die.


#birthdayblues #scarymessy #suicidalideations #suicideawareness #physicalsymptoms #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #afraid #depression #anxiety #drgoogle #mothershealth #heartattack #circulationissues #Psilocybin #clinicaltrial #bypasssurgery #sleeplessnights

Our #summerofrich trails led us through a tunnel today. 


The tunnel felt metaphoric. 


I stopped for a moment to take a picture before entering. 


I observe my reality from a distance. 


I see the light at the end of the tunnel. 


It feels like a trap though.


My emotions get in the way. 


I immediately go into fight or flight mode. 


Anxiety narrows my vision once again; somedays it’s completely blinding. 


I feel stuck inside.


I want so much to feel more in the here and now.


These #summerofrich moments remind me how important it is to look around and not to focus solely on what lies ahead.


Being in the moment can feel way more empowering and a whole lot less scary anyways because you never really know if that light you are seeing ahead of you at the end of the tunnel is just the light from an oncoming train.


#beinthemoment #lookaround #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #wellbeing #empowering #fightorflight #anxiety #tunnelvision #thehereandnow #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #lightattheendofthetunnel 

I have always been petrified (and I mean PETRIFIED) of traveling to Israel; and it’s not only because I am also beyond petrified of flying and the thought of being on a plane for that many hours is enough to send me orbiting into a full on panic attack just writing this.


Everyone I know who has ever travelled to Israel or lived there for any period of time, including Rich when he was in his early 20’s has always tried to tell me; Kim, I promise you, it is so different once you are there, from the moment you step foot off the plane you feel this indescribable connection to your heritage, but still, from the time I was a young child everything I have ever seen on the news or read in the papers (or online) about Israel has instilled this great fear in me.


Does this make me a bad Jew?


Jacob is in Israel right now for 2 weeks (his third time in 2 years) on the first leg of his travels this summer. Rachel has been there for the past 6 weeks on an organized youth trip for 10 days, followed by an internship program and last May, Hannah also spent a few weeks there as well. And believe it or not, as much as I am a nervous, anxious wreck with each one of their departures (including their plane rides) and time spent in Israel, I am also very grateful that they have all been afforded the opportunity to visit their Homeland and that my own fears of flying or going to Israel has never been a deterrent for any one of them in any which way.


Having now lived vicariously through my children’s travels to Israel I have really begun to see Israel for what I wish I could have seen all those years ago. I see it not as a place to be feared but as a place filled with beautiful landscape and architecture, incredible history, religious importance, fascinating culture and people, delicious food, amazing shopping and of course, a very fun nightlife…oh and I can’t forget its insane hiking excursions. 


Israel has now become a place I would like to see one day too, with my very own eyes and experience first hand what everyone has tried so hard to help me understand. 

I have been totally enamoured by these two photos of Rachel which were taken yesterday afternoon at the Tel Aviv Pride festivities. There is a glow about her like I’ve never seen before. I can see it in her eyes, in her smile. She exudes confidence and pride. They are the purest expression of joy and contentment. Feelings I yearn for in my own life.

Maybe one day I’ll get there…

#Israel #Homeland #holyland #telaviv #pridemonth #love #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #fears #fearofflying #confidence #yearning #connections #myheart #joy #contentment #happypride #shabbatshalom #Birthright #heritage #promisedland

My illness never takes a break from me. I really wish it would just take a much needed, long overdue holiday already, or better yet, I wish it would buy itself a one way ticket to hell where it belongs. 


Today I’ve been especially off. If you ask me why though, I can’t really give you a straight answer or pinpoint one particular thing. 


I woke up this morning with a splitting headache (not out of the ordinary for me), took a pain killer and off I went to work, exhausted and extremely anxious. My headache began to settle itself shortly after I got to work but still, I couldn’t settle in, my level of concentration was as poor as the air quality looming over us in Toronto today due to the wildfires happening in Quebec right now. I began having some very intrusive thoughts. I sat still for some time, staring blankly at my computer screen before becoming completely overwhelmed with emotion.


I felt panicked and then, then came the tears. 


Lucky for me I work with a lovely group of compassionate ladies who stopped at nothing to distract me, letting me know that I’m not alone and making me laugh at their dry sense of humour.


Working alongside these ladies every day (and some who I don’t see as often as I’d like to) for 6 months now has created several close emotional and professional bonds in the office for me. 


They have become my “Work Wives” persay, where high levels of disclosure and support go hand in hand; and where we feel safe to vent our mutual frustrations (usually with upper management), where we help each other out when we’re feeling overwhelmed, where we ensure there is plenty of caffeine and candy on hand, where we compliment each other’s strengths and weaknesses in order to make us a better team and where we feel comfortable enough to call each other out on our nonsense. 


Going back to work full-time after so many years has, (believe it or not) been one of the hardest things I have done along my journey (trust me, those closest to me believe it since they have to listen to me rant about it all the time!). My job has actually added a whole other level of stress to my life and one of the hardest tasks for me is that I have an extremely difficult time leaving my empathic ways and work stressors from work at work at the end of the day so, yes I am very grateful to have my work “Wives” beside me every day to share in this very unique level of friendship that is often filled with secret languages, plenty of eye rolling and lots and lots of raised eyebrows!

Do you have a work “Spouse”? Spouses?

#workwives #officeshenanigans #anxiety #depression #panicattacks #intrusivethoughts #uniquefriendships #coworkers #stressors #grateful #mentalhealth #wellbeing #support #onewaytickettohell #headaches #exhausted #wildfires #overwhelmed #compassion #empathy #humour #emotionalbonds #professionalbonds #youarenotalone #youareenough #teamwork

This kid works hard but boy does he ever love to play hard too! 


Since finishing his initial trades schooling 5+ years ago, Jacob has spent more than 9000 hours working full-time learning so many new and valuable skills through on-the-job, hands-on training (and has also been afforded the opportunity to build his own personal portfolio as well with the countless side gigs he does in his free time). In addition to working, Jacob also attended 3 separate in-school training sessions spread out over the last few years (covid slowed this process down), each of which were 10 to 12 weeks in length (the final one just finished 2 days ago) in order for him to complete his Apprenticeship program before being eligible to write his journeyman exam and fulfill his dream of becoming a fully licensed Electrician soon. 


But before that last stage of his journey begins, he leaves today on a two-month, well-earned adventure-of-a-lifetime.


Science tells us that people who work hard and play hard in life can maintain stronger physical and mental health, stay motivated and be more satisfied with their lives. 


Life lesson #1: “make our work and our play indistinguishable.” ~ Simon Sinek


I’m a very anxious Mama Bear today as I’m sure you already figure but I am also just as equally proud as well at all of the hard work you’ve put in and success you’ve achieved over the past 5+ years which have gotten you to where you are today and earned you oodles of playtime. 


Keep working and playing hard Jacob and have the best time along your travels. Be safe and don’t forget to send lots and lots of pics (I’ve perfected the art of living vicariously through my children by now).


I love you to the moon and back, forever and a day. 


#workhardplayhard #makeourworkandplayindistinguishable #proudofyou #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #physicalhealth #anxiety #mamabear #safetravels #apprenticeship #electrician #journeyman #success #staysafe #proudmama #iloveyoutothemoonandback #foreverandaday #becoming #skilledtrades  

Love is not a noun. It’s a verb.

Love is not simply an emotion. It’s a behaviour.

Love is an action that requires your active participation. 

Love is acted out and acted upon.

Love is having patience and showing kindness. 

Love is honouring and trusting in others.

Love takes perseverance, self-control, PRIDE and restraint.

Love protects us.

Love allows us to open our hearts.

Let’s be love. 

Because we all deserve to be loved.

Have a beautiful weekend filled with LOVE everyone ❤️

#happypridemonth #loveisnotanoun #loveisanaction #loveprotectsus  #itsmorethananemotion #letsbelove #lgbtq #community #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #patienceandkindness  #wealldeservetobeloved #openourhearts #celebratelove #shabbatshalom #peaceandlove 

It’s been 14 months now that I’ve been living with a debilitating neurological disorder all due to my participation in the clinical research study for Psilocybin (magic mushrooms). The intensity of the dose I was given caused me to convulse non stop for close to 6 hours straight with absolutely no intervention whatsoever from the 2 doctors who were observing me while scribbling notes on their clipboards the entire time. 


The damage I am living with now has affected every aspect of my life since and has caused a further decline in my mental health including symptoms of PTSD from many sights, sounds and touch.


For the past year I have been bounced around between one specialist after another after another and I am still waiting on two more recent referrals. I have yet to receive any answers or solutions thus far except to be told by one Neurologist about a year ago over a Zoom call that a circuit broke in my brain that day and hopefully it will fix itself one day. 


If I sound repetitive and bitter and frustrated, it’s only because I am.


The other night my girlfriend dropped by for a visit and she was very excited to share with me a podcast she wanted me to listen to. She told me that while she listened to it herself, all she could think of was me. The moderator of the podcast is a Psychologist friend of hers and the guest speaker was a loved one whose life was turned upside down for several years due to chronic and debilitating pain that seemingly came out of nowhere. She too spent much of her time seeking the help of one specialist after another trying to figure out the root cause of her pain. By this point she had very little quality of life and was forced to defer her first year of medical school. And then one day at one of her many doctor’s appointments he suggested she read a book called “The Way Out” (which literally saved her life). It was written by Alan Gordon; a licensed Psychologist and Founder of the Pain Psychology Center in LA. Alan began studying Neuroplastic pain after he himself became debilitated by chronic pain throughout his entire body (including his tongue) for several years and he too became frustrated by the lack of effective treatment. From his own suffering, Alan “developed the ground-breaking Pain Reprocessing Therapy (PRT) – a highly effective system of psychological techniques that rewire the brain’s neural circuits to turn off “stuck” pain signals”. 


Neuroplastic is the brain’s way of actually learning pain. Put concisely, “neuroplastic pain occurs when your brain mistakes safe nervous signals from the body as dangerous, generating a pain response”, which can then become “a habitual mistake that the brain can develop over time”. Alan states in a podcast he did with Mayim Bialik (Mayim herself was a patient of Alan’s for many years) that pain is a danger signal. He further expands on his theory giving the example that if you put your hand on a hot stove, the pain is your brain’s way of letting you know that you have to move your hand so you don’t cause more damage. Pain is a survival mechanism with the goal to not allow us to injure ourselves worse but sometimes the brain can make a mistake and interpret pain when there is none, making us feel pain when there actually is none.


The pain is real, but in cases like mine it’s being caused by our brain and not by our body. Body pain is considered “structural”, usually due to an injury.


After further research over the last couple of days (which included listening to Mayim’s podcast she did with Alan), his theories began to intrigue me more and more and have a better understanding as to why my friend was so excited to have me listen to her friend’s podcast. 


There are 12 criteria for Neuroplastic pain which I was shocked to discover that I fit perfectly into at least 10 of the 12 categories. You don’t however need to fit into every category though to have your pain be considered Neuroplastic. 


Here are some examples of the criteria that describe my situation:


1. Pain originated during a stressful time or was triggered by stress


2. Pain originated without an injury 


3. Pain symptoms spread and/or move about your body


4. Symptoms are symmetrical 


5. There is a lack of physical diagnosis 


6. You have multiple symptoms 


I’ve experimented with many very unsuccessful and sometimes further damaging treatments over the years like CBT, Ketamine, ECT, Psilocybin and Neurofeedback pertaining to my mental health journey which were meant to help rewire my brain but now I will give it a try and delve into the science behind “Pain Reprocessing Therapy” (PRT) outlined in Alan’s book, “The Way Out” to see if I can rewire my brain and break the cycle of chronic pain instead. At least this time I know there will be no physical harm in trying.



https://www.painpsychotherapy.ca/blog-2/12-criteria-for-neuroplastic-pain


#podcasts #chronicpain #neuroplastic #science #thewayout #alangordon #mayimbialik #painpsychologycenter #painreprocessingtherapy #ptsd #psychology #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #neurological #Psilocybin #rewirethebrain #magicmushrooms #researchstudy #noharmintrying #noanswers #friendswhohavemyback 

The worst thing a person can do to someone battling an invisible illness like depression is make them prove to you just how sick they truly are.

#invisibleillness #youdontlooksick #depression #mentalillness #mentalhealth #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youmatter #yourmentalhealthmatters #youareenough #suicideawareness #suicideprevention #mentalhealthawarenessmonth

Several people in my life have recently mourned the loss of a beloved pet; my own mother being one of them after having to make the gut-wrenching decision to put her 15 year old dog and loyal companion down this past week.


Anyone who has never experienced the unconditional love from a pet before will never truly understand the grief and trauma that comes along with losing their family member, because, to a pet owner, they are family.


The first time I myself went through the devastating loss of a beloved family pet was just one week before my wedding when I suddenly lost my cherished childhood dog Bamboo. Having to deal with the excruciating pain of losing her while preparing for the greatest day of my life made the healing process that much harder. I still to this day speak of her often and will forever carry her memory close to my heart.


Grieving any type of loss is a highly individual and a very personal experience, one that can affect both our mental and physical wellbeing; the loss of a family pet included.


Pets can help ease symptoms of loneliness, anxiety and depression for many. The bond we create with our fur babies can be very intense and can even be likened to that of a parent-child relationship where unconditional love, trust and acceptance are at the forefront; and some of the key ingredients that we may feel are missing in some of our human relationships. 


Yet there is still such a stigma surrounding how a person should and should not mourn their fur babies leading many to feel even more isolated and unsupported because their emotions aren’t being validated.


While most people can empathize with other people when they lose a loved one, not everyone has the ability to grasp the devastation that someone feels when losing a pet and instead may be of the mindset that the easiest way for them to get through the grieving process is to just get another pet.


Like with the loss of anyone close to us, people need time to process and grieve their fur babies but are often made to feel guilty, embarrassed or ashamed for even considering something like taking time off from work or other regular activities as well, only making them shut down more.


Another thing that can make the grieving process more difficult for someone and probably an avenue not explored enough is how much the loss affects a person’s daily routine. Our fur babies rely on a schedule which in turn becomes a regular part of our own schedule like when they need to be fed or walked each day, leaving them feeling even more lost and affecting their mental and physical wellbeing further.


Whatever it is you may be struggling with most during this time of great loss, it’s more than okay to give yourself whatever time and grace you need to feel all your emotions, even the negative ones. Talk about it, let your loved ones know you are having a difficult time and need their support. Maybe part of your healing process will be to spend time with other animals or to get a new pet but whatever it is you need most to comfort yourself just keep in mind that you are not alone and that self-compassion and self-kindness are key to moving on after such a devastating loss. 


And for those who can’t truly understand the grief and trauma that comes along with losing their family member, because, to a pet owner, they are family, can just suck it!


#losingapet #grief #trauma #empathy #petsarefamily #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #unconditionallove #acceptance #furbabies #healingprocess #loyalcompanions #pettherapy #apetspurpose #youarenotalone #selfcompassion #selfkindness #comfort 

#needingthistoday

#micromomentsofjoy #feelslikesummer #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #openwaters #notacloudinthesky #rejuvenation #relaxation #friendship #boatinglife #anxiety #depression #mymedication