YouAreEnough

Last night I went to another community based, summer concert in the park with Rich and some friends (many of you may have already seen the pics I posted on my social media pages).


It was calling for severe thunderstorms at the time the concert was set to start and boy they weren’t kidding, but luckily it held off til we got home. We would’ve been screwed!!


This is the one concert in the park I wait every summer to see. 


I absolutely love ABBA. 


I’ve seen the musical Mamma Mia 9 times and the movie a dozen more. 


I’m obsessed with ABBA’s music.


As the summer is quickly coming to an end (the CNE opens today which is a sure sign here in Toronto), so too are these free summertime concerts in the park. 


I really do enjoy them even though music often triggers me. It has a way of moving me to tears which is exactly what happened last night. Suddenly, near the end of the concert, I became very emotional, tears filled my eyes, panic ensued and a flare up of my neurological issues made me feel like my body was about to explode. At least my new earplugs helped keep the noise at bay.


I tried not to make a scene. Rich saw right way. It certainly wasn’t the first time, nor will it be the last. 


It also isn’t going to stop me from trying to get to at least one more concert this summer, but now the question is, which one? I’m torn between 2 that are taking place on the same night next week at 2 different parks. One is sure to be bursting with girl power with a tribute to Madonna, Adele, Lady Gaga and Cindy Lauper where the other one is certain to be filled with nostalgia with the hits of the Eagles. 


Which one would you rather attend? 


#abba #mammamia #concertinthepark #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #summerstorms #summertime #triggers #music #summervibes #nostalgia #girlpower #anxiety #panicattacks #depression #flareups #sadsongs #happysongs #youareenough #youarenotalone

I experienced several micro-moments of joy last night while at another summertime concert in the park, this one featuring a tribute to Elton John. It was a very welcomed reprieve from life at the moment because, you see, my depression has really felt like it’s winning lately.

It’s been feeding me vicious lie after vicious lie.

And I believe every last one of them.

It’s taken pleasure in reminding me how worthless I am. 

That I hold no value in this world.

That I have failed miserably in every aspect of my life. 

That I’m helpless.

That it’d be easier on everyone if…

That the world would be better off if…

It even had the audacity to try and tell me that it’s never gonna get better; that I am never gonna get better.

That last lie cuts the deepest.

Today marks 9 years since Robin Williams tragically took his own life; a day that is still very much engrained in my memory. 

I’ve told the story of that evening many times before. Some pieces of it still feel very fresh in my mind. I was just 4 months into my own mental health journey the day he died. Moments before I had read the news of his passing on my phone, I’d been sitting in my car, all alone in a parking lot, my family and friends having no idea of my whereabouts (once again), contemplating my own suicide. It wasn’t the first time in that 4 month period, and it most certainly has not been the last where I have thought about or acted upon my thoughts of suicide, but it was suddenly the first time I began to truly understand the depths of my illness.

As the news quickly spread of Robin’s death, friends and family began lighting up my phone, concerned for my wellbeing and wanting to ensure I was safe. Easiest solution, I just shut it off. By now I was visibly shaken, alone and terrified and my only thought I had right after the initial shock was, “if someone of Robin Williams’ stature, who seemingly had it all could take his own life then what the heck am I waiting for?”

Those same thoughts still cloud my judgment today. 

I’ve often thought how important it could be to have a scan done of my actual brain which I happened to discuss in great length yesterday afternoon with my Psychiatrist after he told me about another research study he is working on. This one thankfully doesn’t involve me taking any psychedelics or shaving my head. It only involves having a brain scan, doing bloodwork and answering questionnaires to see if they can figure out the different causes of Depression; it’s what they call “machine learning”. However, unfortunately it is still in its infant stage and could take up to a year before the study begins. But he is going to look at other avenues to have it done sooner for me.

These lies that my Depression keeps telling me are really getting the better of me this week, especially when it makes me feel like, it’s never gonna get better; that I am never gonna get better, so why bother. But I am holding on to this quote from Robin Williams, aka Mork from Ork, at the moment where he says “I don’t know how much value I have in this universe, but I do know that I’ve made a few people happier than they would have been without me, and as long as I know that, I’m as rich as I ever need to be.” 

I know in my heart that my Depression lies and that maybe I’m here for a reason, a purpose and that maybe tomorrow does still need me. One thing I do know for certain is, tomorrow still needed Robin Williams and that it still needs you too!

*If you or someone you know is in crisis, help is available*#mentalhealth #depression #research #purpose #robinwilliams #suicideawareness #brainscan  #tomorrowneedsyou #depressionlies #itsoktonotbeok #startaconversation #micromomentsofjoy #tgif #helpisavailable #youarenotalone 

Today’s #summerofrich adventure included some much needed self-care, facing two huge fears of mine head on by walking across a suspension bridge; only experiencing a minor panic attack, connecting with nature and chasing blue dragonflies. 

I’ve had this trail on my list of places I’ve wanted to explore for a few years now. It was a bit of a further drive than most of our hikes lately but well worth it. 

I’ve been trying to fight off one of my most unbearable flare ups for the better part of the week now; my body literally feels like it’s on fire and these unrelenting muscle spasms are causing me more and more emotional distress with each passing day. 

I took comfort today though in having so many blue dragonflies buzzing all around us. They are said to inspire spirituality, creativity, change and transformation. Ultimately, blue dragonflies symbolize a period of joy and positivity, peace and tranquility; all things I strive for while hiking. 

My next tattoo, perhaps?


#ferrispark #ranneygorge #suspensionbridge #campbellford #hiking #nature #selfcare #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #bluedragonflies #transcanadatrail #transformation #spirituality #change #neurology #depression #anxiety #panicattack #terrifiedofheights #micromomentsofjoy

I’ve been testing out my new @loopearplugs at work all week. Hannah discovered these noise reduction earplugs on TikTok recently and well, if it’s TikTok worthy then it has to be good!! Am I right? Lol.

As most of you know who follow my journey closely, I’ve been suffering with many neurological issues over the past 16 months all thanks to the Psilocybin Research Trial I participated in back in April of 2022. 

One of the many issues that continues to plague me on a daily basis is noise. Certain sounds, especially sudden or very loud ones will trigger both an emotional and physiological response in my body; even something as simple as a soft whisper too close to my ear will cause a fight or flight response or my entire body to tremor, almost as a defense mechanism. 


My reaction to normal everyday sounds which most people wouldn’t even flinch at or react to have now become extremely overwhelming, intense and often very stressful for me. 

I am loving my new earplugs so far. They are discreet, compact and come in lots of pretty colours too! 


They allow me to still hear those speaking directly to me or carry on conversations while at the same time enable me to filter out a lot of the background noises that trigger me or send me spiraling into a sensory overload. 

My true test though on how great my new noise reduction earplugs are came last night when I attended another “Summer Concert in the Park”, featuring a tribute to “Queen”. These earplugs were my one saving grace of the evening, that, and my friends of course ❤️.

#loopearplugs #noisereduction #triggers #sensoryoverload #fightorflight #queentribute #wearethechampions #backgroundnoise #tiktok #neurodivergent #mentalhealth #physicalhealth #emotionalresponse #physiologicalresponse #researchtrial #guineapig #keeponfightingtiltheend

*Warning: Some potential spoilers below*

It was pouring outside yesterday so our planned #summerofrich hiking excursion was put on hold. Instead it became a perfect day to escape the “Real World” and spend some time in “Barbie Land”. 


Hannah saw the movie with some friends on opening day and has been telling me I have to go see it every day since. She’d been bursting at the seams to talk to me about it and knew just how much I would love it!


She herself loved it so much the first time around that she decided to tag along with Rich and I (aka her Mommy and Daddy!) and see it again; that way she could capture my reactions firsthand.

The movie did not disappoint and my reactions certainly did not disappoint (or shock) Hannah (or Rich) whatsoever. They saw this Blog coming from miles away. 


The storyline combined lots and lots of sarcastic, slapstick humour and tear-jerking moments together with many hidden and very empowering messages (right up to the very last line of the movie) as Barbie finds herself on a journey of self-discovery after an emotional breakdown.


Amidst her breakdown, a “commercial” comes on screen to promote a “new” Barbie to hit toystore shelves everywhere. “New” Barbie felt eerily familiar to me and I’m pretty sure it also felt very relatable to so many other viewers like me around the world. 


Her name: “Depression Barbie”. 


Special features included in her box: 


*She wears sweatpants all day long.  *She spends 7 hours a day scrolling through her estranged best friend’s engagement photos on Instagram. *She eats family sized packs of Starburst.
*She binge watches “Pride and Prejudice” for the seventh time, until she falls asleep. 
*Anxiety, panic attacks and OCD each sold separately.


I had no idea that the movie was so largely focused around mental health and wellness. Or that Barbie could truly experience real human emotions other than pure happiness. 


But Barbie learns that in the “Real World” life is not always easy. That people in the “Real World” are not perfect. That they make mistakes, that they face adversities, that they get sick and that yes, in the “Real World” people are mortal beings.


I think we can all take many inspiring moments away with us by seeing the Barbie movie. 


Here are some of my takeaways: Self-acceptance is key, learning to embrace our flaws is imperative, being “different” or “ordinary” or “weird” is more than just ok; it’s extraordinary, change is scary but a necessary way to help us reach our potential, there is still lots of work to be done before all the Kens and Barbies in the world are on an equal playing field; but I have faith we are getting there…slowly, kindness and beauty does exist in the “Real World” and lastly, although at times we may not always feel like we are good enough; we are more than ‘K’enough.

This feel good movie is for every imperfectly perfect individual out there which is why I encourage you all to go see it if you haven’t already. 

 

#Barbie #barbiemovie #realworld #barbieland #journey #selfdiscovery #empowering #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression #depressionbarbie #takeaway #inspiring #goseeit #youareenough #imperfectlyperfect 

This was me having a moment in my car this afternoon after a very long week. The tears were just enough of a release to allow me to refocus before heading home from work to be able to experience some micro-moments of joy this evening with my family and especially Jacob who just got home late last night from his 2 month adventure away.

Boy, is the summer flying.

Why do I capture these moments of vulnerability? It’s simple. It’s so that the next time you are feeling overwhelmed, anxious or in need of a good cry, I’m here to remind you that you are never alone.

#vulnerability #selfie #longweek #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #feelingoverwhelmed #depression #anxiety #itsoktocry #havingamoment #refocus #family #thesummerisflying #weekendvibes

We all struggle with something in our lives. Whether it be within our relationships, at school, a job, achieving a goal or our mental wellbeing, your struggles don’t make you weak or a failure; they simply makes you human.

If you feel comfortable with sharing, what is one thing you are struggling with at the moment? Let’s normalize being real. Let’s normalize conversations about mental health. Let’s normalize being imperfectly perfect.

#itsoktonotbeok #normalize #youarenotalone #youmatter #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #wellbeing #startaconversation #mentalhealthcheckin #boreal  #weallstrugglesometimes #imperfectlyperfect #youareenough

Every year on July 24th we celebrate International Self-Care Day, a day which is dedicated to bringing awareness to the positive impacts self-care has on creating healthier lifestyles.

When written in month and day format, July 24 looks like this; “7/24” which is a reminder to us all that self-care needs to be a part of our daily lives and routines, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Even though self-care may look different to each individual depending on one’s physical and mental health, we all deserve to take care of our own wellbeing first and foremost, each and every day.

A gentle reminder…self-care is not selfish

How did you take care of yourself today?

#InternationalSelfCareDay #agentlereminder #selfcareisnotselfish #physicalhealth #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #wellbeing #twentyfourseven #awareness #healthierlifestyle #positiveimpact #itsokaytonotbeokay  @agentlereminderproject

Hannah drove up to camp this morning with a friend and will be spending the night. 


She misses her home away from home so so much and will take advantage of any opportunity to go when she’s welcome.


She asked those up at camp to keep her upcoming visit a secret from Rachel because she wanted to surprise her and given the outpouring of emotion in this video taken upon her arrival I think her mission was accomplished. 


My heart exploded watching this video she sent to our family chat.


There is nothing more rewarding than watching the love between your children grow. 


It didn’t happen overnight, it happened in more subtle ways. 


My kids fight sometimes as all siblings do, but they are just as quick to come to one another’s rescue too.


They have fun together, keep secrets from their parents, confide in each other and genuinely enjoy spending time with one another. 


They are also as different as day and night in so many ways, bringing with them their own unique strengths and gifts.


Jacob is our wittiest.
Hannah is our most sensitive. 
Rachel is our most creative.


Together, these attributes make a great team.


With any luck their bond will only continue to grow even stronger with time. It’s a feeling that brings peace in my heart knowing that wherever their individual journey may take them in life they will always have each other to lean on.


#siblings #bond #myreasonswhy #camplife #mentalhealth #weekendvibes #youarenotalone #leanonme #momentsofjoy #familymatters #peaceinmyheart #missionaccomplished 

I’ve hit a brick wall. 


I’m struggling right now trying to figure out my value in the world.


Last night we had plans to go to a concert in a local park with friends. I love taking advantage of these free summertime concerts. 


Elton John and Rod Stewart were playing (ok so it wasn’t actually the real Elton and Rod; not even by a longshot!). 


Our friends needed to cancel last minute. 


I completely understood. 


Rich happily would have still gone with me but suddenly I was overcome with so many emotions and the volume on my negative self-talk button turned up full blast.


It’s been a really shitty couple of weeks for me and the past few days have been no exception. I needed to release some of those emotions, most of which I hadn’t even shared with Rich. I didn’t know whether to scream or cry first. So I just burst.


I feel as though both my body and mind are tangled together in one gigantic ball of knots and it’s getting harder and harder to undo. I do have moments where I manage to unravel some of the knots or at least loosen them a bit but before I can catch my breath again they just tighten right back up; some even tighter than before.


Part of my sudden outburst of emotions last night had been building up since Monday afternoon when I found out that yet another referral I’d been waiting for from yet another specialist, had been declined; no explanation given. But I’m sure it would have been the same old story I’ve heard over and over again for the past 15 months now since this added nightmare of neurological issues began after participating in the Psilocybin Research Trial in April of 2022 (biggest regret of my life). Doctors simply don’t have enough understanding of my very rare condition. 


I am feeling completely defeated. This was the last of my long waitlist of referrals. I haven’t a clue where we (my team of doctors) go from here and probably won’t know more until my next appointment with my Psychiatrist in August. 


This one treatment had felt hopeful. I’ve done a lot of research on it and even though from what I’ve learned, it may have only been a temporary relief for me, I’d have happily welcomed any type of relief at all because over the last while, my symptoms have actually been getting progressively worse (so much for one Neurologist’s words of wisdom to me last spring when he told me that a circuit broke in my brain that day and hopefully it will fix itself). 


I can’t even explain these new and worsening sensations I feel coarsing through my entire body daily. I just know that they are unbearable at times, unrelenting and causing me debilitating nausea throughout my day; so much so that I’ve dropped about 10 pounds in the last couple of weeks. It’s been a battle for me to lose weight for some time now, and I should be thrilled by it, but this is NOT the way I want to do it. 


I’ve hit a brick wall this week, making me ponder the question; “So at what point is it ok to throw in the towel?”


#brickwall #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #throwinthetowel #itsoktonotbeok #yourmentalhealthmatters #youmatter #youareenough #youarenotalone #clinicaltrial #bigregrets #neurological #talksootherscanlisten #brain #nerveblockers #iamworthy #pgad #nauseous #unrelenting