*Trigger Warning ⚠️ Mention of Suicide, MAID

18 months ago today I participated in a clinical research trial for Psilocybin, which most of you who follow my journey regularly are already quite well-versed on by now. 

I was hopeful once again that this treatment, although in its infant stage at the time, felt very promising. I was hopeful that it could potentially be life-altering for me. Well, it certainly was life-altering alright, but not in a good way by any means and now 18 months later I am no closer to any sort of resolution than I was on day one in April of 2022 or when several months later a Neurologist told me that a circuit broke in my brain that day and hopefully it will fix itself. 

The good news is though, that I’m pretty sure by now that the endless, unrelenting numbness, shakiness, constant tingling in my hands and feet, daily bouts of brain zaps, the overwhelming sensitivity to noise and touch, body tremors and spasms day and night, weakness in my hands and lest we not forget the very rare and incurable disorder in my nether regions better known as PGAD, all of which I incurred during the treatment, isn’t likely to kill me. 

However, knowing what I go through on a daily basis because of it, along with my mental health struggles, has only made my thoughts of suicide that much stronger over time. As many of you were also aware, I had applied to the MAID program last spring (Medical Assistance in Dying) which I was told by one of the Assessors a couple of weeks ago that my case is considered to be in the “gray zone” right now due to the fine line between mental and physical pain, even though I have explored so many avenues both mentally and physically. She has passed my file on for further assessment since talking with both my Psychiatrist and GP recently but I will likely have to wait for more information in the coming Spring. 

I feel so desperate, exhausted and hopeless that I will never live a normal life again between my struggles with treatment resistant depression and all my physical health struggles now as well. It’s affecting my livelihood, my relationships, and my day to day life. I feel torchured by my body and mind 24/7.

Some days I don’t have a clue how I’ve gotten here. Some days I feel so lost. It feels so dark some days that I can’t even see the road ahead of me to know where I’m going. I’m trying my best to stay in the moment.

Today I received a call from yet another referral at a clinic in a downtown hospital which my Psychiatrist made for me not too long ago. It gave me a glimmer of hope again. It’s the first referral in months that wasn’t immediately declined and who is willing to at least meet with me first! And the best news is, I only have to wait 2 months til my appointment. It’s a small and uncertain win, but a win is a win!

#chronicpain #treatmentresistantdepression #awinisawin #eighteenmonths #clinicaltrial #Psilocybin #referral #medicalassistanceindying #suicidalideations #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #neurologic #neuroplastic #pgad #youareenough #youareworthy #stayinthemoment #mentalillnessawarenessweek

Today is the start of “Mental Illness Awareness Week”. 

This year’s theme is “My Story”. Its hope is to encourage people to share their own stories and experiences with mental health in order to help others feel like they are not alone. 

This has been my main purpose of sharing my own journey so openly and honestly for 6 plus years now; the good, the bad and the very ugly parts included. 

My mental illness has felt like it’s winning a lot lately, add to that all my unrelenting and still unresolved neurological issues and now my more recent stomach concerns too and it’s left me unable to focus on much of anything and with little desire to write anymore, but then yesterday I was reminded once again why I share my story after receiving another personal message from a stranger who’d found a Blog I’d posted two years ago on Facebook.

It gave me the push I needed today to take advantage of the summer-like temperatures on the 1st of October while still being able to take in the beauty of the Fall season. Our #summerofrich adventure combined two of my favourite things; nature and animals. 

Today felt like a win.

#mentalillnessawarenessweek #nature #animals #youarenotalone #mystory #yourmentalhealthmatters #youareenough #shareyourstory #summerinoctober #fallseason #itsoktonotbeok #itsoktoaskforhelp #mentalhealth #Peterborough #riverviewparkandzoo #treatmentresistantdepression #purpose #myjourney #thegoodthebadandtheugly 

Depression used to be a word I’d only heard about in textbooks. It was certainly never a word I’d have ever used to describe myself some 10 years ago. 

Who’d ever want such a label attached to their name? To be looked upon as “crazy” or “defective”. It’s hurtful, it’s stigmatizing and downright demoralizing.

It leaves you feeling broken.

Depression is not a one size fits all diagnosis, just like any other illness. 

It has opened up a whole other side of me I never knew existed before. So much I should be proud of. So much I am proud of.

I am not just my illness. I am so much more. And so are you.

#mentalhealth #mentalillness #depression #treatmentresistant #anxiety #iamnotmyillness #somuchmore #labelshurt #endthestigmatogether #youareenough #youarenotalone 

Happy birthday to my smart, fierce, beautiful, passionate, uber-talented baby girl 🎂 🥳 


As you hit 21 today, like in a game of Blackjack (21!), remember that life is about taking chances, and lots of them, even when you may feel like the cards are stacked against you or that you may lose sometimes, because you will never know the endless possibilities if not. Life isn’t about finding yourself. It’s about creating yourself. 


Never lose your sense of wonder. 


I love you more than you will ever know, Rachel, and no matter where life takes you, you can bet against all odds that I will always be your biggest cheerleader.


May your special day today be filled with sunshine and smiles, laughter and love, and of course, cake!


I wish you all that life has to offer. Keep dreaming out loud today and always ❤️ 


#happybirthday #birthdaywishes #makeawish #dreamoutloud #babyofthefamily #youngestsibling #twentyone #blackjack #youareenough #dreamoutloud #eatcake #futureinteriordesigner 

The other night I wrote that I’d been dealing with a very toxic situation in my life for the better part of 3 months now. To be honest, it’d actually been quite torcherous and traumatic some days. It was consuming my entire life. It was all I could think about and talk about and focus on for weeks and months now. I’ve not only felt the decline in my mental health from it, but with my neurological symptoms too. I am also pretty certain that it’s no coincidence and possibly the reason why I have lost 30 pounds over the past 2 months from my lack of appetite, constant nausea and an undiagnosed stress-induced ulcer that my doctor is still investigating. 

Overall, the whole situation had left me feeling beyond overwhelmed, emotionally exhausted and to the point that just days ago I seriously contemplated driving my car into a brick wall because I felt so defeated and trapped. And of course, just to make matters worse, being the empath that I am had left me further torchered by carrying the emotions of everyone else involved too, but as I also mentioned the other night, the situation has finally been rectified which means the healing process can now begin.

Tonight starts the holiday of Yom Kippur which is considered to be the holiest and most important day of the year in the Jewish faith and is as well, a day where many Jews fast and while doing so are encouraged to atone for any wrongdoings and ask others for forgiveness in order to repair the wrongdoings from the past year. 

It is also a time to forgive others and ourselves as well. It is important to come to Yom Kippur with a clean slate and forgiveness is such an important part of the healing process as “it allows us to let go of our anger, guilt, shame, sadness, along with any other feelings we may experience in order to move on.”

“Forgiveness isn’t approving what happened. It’s choosing to rise above it.” – Robin Sharma

Wishing all my family and friends celebrating, an easy, reflective and meaningful fast.

#yomkippur #forgiveness #meaningful #reflective #healing #trauma #introspection #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youareenough #empath #atonement #wrongdoings #emotionallyexhausted #selfcare #nationalselfcareawarenessmonth #nationalsuicideawarenessmonth 

Repost *Please enjoy some of the highlights from #summerofrich 2023

Today is the first full day of Fall.

You can already feel it in the air at night.

I have to say that I do love summer more than all the other seasons combined but who could argue that there is just something about Fall that gives us a fresh outlook or perspective.

Fall gives us an opportunity for change, to meet new people, to set new goals and to find ways to motivate ourselves as we dive back into more regular daily routines.

The cooler temps and vibrant colours on the trees make us want to immerse ourselves in nature. Such incredible benefits for our mental health.

Fall often means more time to spend with family whether it be during holidays or sipping on pumpkin spice lattes or chowing down on Halloween candy.

With the winter blues on the horizon for many, Fall is a great time to embrace nature’s healing powers and resilience.

Describe your perfect Fall day.

Fall #autumn #change #goals #nature #resilience #healingpowers #endofsummer #winterblues #ilovesummer #summerofrich #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #vibrantfallcolours #coolertemps #whatisyourperfectfallday

For the better part of 3 months now I’ve been dealing with a very toxic situation.


The emotions that have arisen from the toxicity had seeped into every aspect of my life, leading to a decline in both my mental and physical wellbeing and leaving me feeling unworthy.


Several close friends and family (along with my therapist) have had the pleasure of listening to me vent my frustration and anger and sadness for weeks and weeks now. 


This post is for all of you who have listened to me with intent during this difficult time and allowed me a safe space to let my feelings be heard and supported. Today the situation was finally rectified and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I have been relieved of a huge burden that has left me sleepless and crying night after night and anxious as fuck day after day for months now.


Thank you so much to everyone who continues to check in on me regularly and help me get through this crazy ride. 


Today calls for champagne 🍾 


#weightlifted #feelingheard #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #heavyburden #support #friendship #family #checkonyourfriends #toxicity #emotions #itsoktonotbeok #askforhelp #gratitude #youareenough 

There’s so much about you that I love.

You are funny, smart, loving, kind, and have a heart of gold.

Keep shining your beautiful spirit around and never ever stop being you!

May your special day be filled with love, joy, warm wishes, and, of course, cake!

We love you to the moon and back, forever and a day!

#happybirthday #twentyfour #birthdaygirl #middlechild #kindhearted #beautiful #warmwishes #cake #heartofgold #hannahbanana #youareenough #loveyoutothemoonandback #foreverandaday

#trudat #youareworthy #truefriendship #yourmentalhealthmatters #youreyestellastory #unknown

Today has been a particularly difficult day for me as I continue to try and contend with several personal things going on in my life right now. 


My anxiety was next level today at work. I couldn’t focus. I just wanted to run.


Often a person’s first reaction when dealing with anxiety in a public or social setting is to run. But I know from experience that if we run from our anxiety we may find ourselves unable to return to a place that may have caused it and slowly we begin to fear leaving our home altogether. 


Today while in the midst of a severe anxiety attack at work, I began practicing some breathing and grounding techniques. 


These techniques are essential and I didn’t care that I was at my place of work with others nearby, it was imperative in the moment and it is imperative that we learn to build up a tolerance for discomfort.


Try this next time you find yourself ready to run from your anxiety in a public or social setting. 


Stop in your tracks instead. 


Look around for 5 things you See.

Find 4 things you Touch.

Listen for 3 things you can Hear.

2 things you can Smell.


And…1 thing you can taste.


It can literally be anything. Use your imagination and your senses to redirect your focus and be present in the moment. Don’t run. Give yourself a chance to see, hear, touch, smell and taste the victory next time.


And remember you are ok…and safe.


#anxiety #dontrun #selfcare #youarenotalone #lookaround #seeheartouchsmelltaste #fivesenses #headspace #breathe #fivefourthreetwoone #breathingtechniques #youaresafe #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #useyourimagination #youareenough #selfcareawarenessmonth #suicidepreventionmonth #grounding