My cousin Jill, who lives in Florida, found this keepsake the other day and shared it with me.
The picture was taken close to 30 years ago (my wedding weekend), which was quite possibly the last time me, my brother and all the cousins were together, our grandparents included; both of whom passed away in 2003.
I miss them.
Although the picture made me quite emotional when I first saw it, the nostalgia of it inspired many positive emotions too, taking me back to a place of real contentment.
It also brought me great comfort of very loving and cherished memories.
Pictures tell a story, and this picture, in particular, tells a tale of family; all of whom, no matter the distance, I love and adore dearly.
There are so many amazing benefits to reading books.
Books help improve a person’s concentration and focus.
Books enrich a person’s vocabulary, language and writing skills.
Books introduce you to a world of make believe and fantasy.
Books exercise your brain.
Books increase your ability to empathize with others.
Books provide you with knowledge and information.
Books inspire.
Books can entertain, help you to relax, reduce stress and even sleep.
Books give a person the opportunity to reflect and open up important conversations.
Books can even help prevent cognitive decline.
I have not been in a good headspace the last while. I have lost my ability to focus or concentrate on much of anything lately, reading included.
Tonight in honour of “National Read a Book Day”, I took a few minutes after dinner to lay down and read my most prized book of all. The one that inspires me every day.
I wrote this article a few years ago and wanted to reshare it again today as millions of young people prepare to head back to the classroom tomorrow (in Ontario), and for the millions more who already have in other parts of Canada and the world over the last several weeks.
*I’ve added to and amended some parts.
We all remember that first day back to school every year after your summer vacation came to an abrupt end and the reality set in that it went by way too fast. Whether it was your first day of kindergarten or your first day of grade 6 or maybe it was your final year of high school or even your first day of post-graduate school, each year brought with it a new set of challenges as your identity was about to change yet again. You remember your parents beaming with pride and excitement as they snapped photos of you and your siblings to mark this current milestone in your life while humming happy tunes in their head (or maybe even out loud), but inside they may have also been fighting back tears or their hearts may have been overcome with some apprehension and worry.
The first day back to school is like a new beginning, a fresh start or maybe even a do-over for so many adolescents, teenagers and young adults alike and it really is no different today for all of us who have since become parents ourselves as it was for the generations before us some 30 or 40 years ago; or is it? We still beam with the same pride and excitement as our parents once did as we eagerly snap photos of our kids on their first day of kindergarten or while boarding the bus to their new middle school for the first time or even as they prepare to leave the nest for the first time to enter a University 100’s of kilometers (or miles) away, but what is most obviously different today is that technology and Social Media have allowed us to share these intimate and very personal moments with the rest of the world, all in real-time. We get to see your kid’s smiling faces and we even get to feel your raw emotions too but what we don’t often see is what lies beneath the surface in these photos of so many adolescents, teenagers and young adults today.
It is no secret that our adolescents, teenagers and young adults today are experiencing many more struggles and issues in regards to their mental wellbeing than ever before. It is widespread, universal and prevalent in every age group that I have mentioned above. Statistics have proven that technology and Social Media have magnified their struggles at an alarming rate and evidence shows that their constant consumption of these platforms is affecting how they learn, sleep, communicate and even show kindness.
Struggles with anxiety, depression, bullying, loneliness, eating disorders and peer pressure are leading to more and more suicides among adolescents, teenagers and young adults than ever before. Those first day of school photos now for many, the ones we get to see, the ones with the big smiles on their faces can oftentimes be concealing a very scared and vulnerable adolescent, teenager or young adult as they hide behind the safety of their cell phones and Social Media platforms.
I will be the first to admit that I truly have quite a limited amount of knowledge as to what really goes on in my young adult’s lives outside of what they let me see on their (open) Social Media platforms or what they communicate to me in person and I know I’m not alone and it’s very scary. You can believe that you are always one step ahead of them, but the reality is we will never be no matter what measures or controls we put into place. You may be the fricken mother of the year, or the most hands on dad in all the world but still those first day of school photos may be camouflaging a much bigger picture of what is going on.
The best we can do in this new and ever changing world we live in today is to encourage our adolescents, teenagers and young adults to talk to us when something is wrong before it’s too late or let them know that even if they have made a mistake that we are there for them no matter what and that it is just as important for them to be aware that if they see something or hear something that makes them uncomfortable or vulnerable that it’s more than okay to let a trusting adult know.
Oh and let’s not forget that kindness goes a very long way in ensuring those same adolescents, teenagers and young adults start this new school year off with the best damn back to school photo ever as they embark on a new beginning, a fresh start or maybe even their do-over year. As this new school year begins, let’s all change the conversation with our kids. Instead of asking them the generic question, “how was school today?” upon their arrival home or through a text message or FaceTime, ensure instead that they checked up on their friends, not put them down; brightened someone’s day with a kind word, not judged them; smiled at the awkward kid, not looked away. Remind your child that it only takes a second to say hi to another child as they scurry on by to their next class or encourage them to be the one who goes the extra mile by inviting the child playing alone at recess to join them and their friends on the playground for a game of soccer.
Ask your child how they can make someone else’s day better?
Let’s all teach our children to do the right thing because it’s the little things in life that truly matter and it may even have the potential to turn someone’s life around. Together let’s all learn to kill this new school year ahead with kindness.
I feel like I’m in way over my head in pretty much every aspect of my life right now, some parts more than others.
I’m exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel.
I’m running on empty.
I’m desperately craving peace and rejuvenation.
It’s all just becoming too much and I really can’t take it anymore.
September is Suicide Awareness month.
September is National Self-Care Awareness month.
September I will be focused on the importance of both self-care and suicide awareness starting with today, enjoying the afternoon with friends on their boat, possibly the last one of the season for us. It’s always a great space for me to practice self-care and distract my over-active mind.
A gentle reminder to anyone else who needs to hear this today. Self-care is not selfish, asking for help is courageous; you are not alone and guess what; it’s more than okay to not be okay some days.
P.S. for a bit of humour I couldn’t resist taking the pic attached from the back of a nearby boater’s boat.
Wishing everyone a happy and safe Labour Day long weekend.
I’ve worn eyeglasses since I was in the 8th grade. At the time it was mostly so I could see the blackboard at school.
Over the years and with the natural progression of age, I’ve seen many normal changes occur to my vision, especially my night vision.
But, (and there’s always a “but” these days) since participating in the clinical research study last year that resulted in numerous neurological issues throughout my body, my vision became affected too.
I’ve been so overwhelmed over the last 17 months trying to fix my body as a whole, an approach which has left me feeling beyond defeated lately as my symptoms continue to escalate; and in more recent weeks, with the onset of several new ones. I’ve pretty much given up on any hope that the broken circuit in my brain will eventually just repair itself, so instead, my new approach of late has been trying to tackle each individual issue separately.
My eyes being one of them.
It’s exhausting.
I hadn’t had my eyes checked in some time.
I went to see a new doctor this time so she didn’t have any of my lengthy medical history on file. After giving her a brief synopsis of it and a quick overview of the clinical study I did last year that has since left my eyes very blurry, causing debilitating disruptions throughout my day, feelings of double vision and struggling to focus on many daily tasks; even while wearing glasses.
The doctor was extremely patient and kind throughout the entire exam. She listened with intent and asked lots of questions.
She also recommended I start a new vitamin regime and use eye drops when needed to help alleviate some of my symptoms.
As I continue on my journey, my very tiresome journey, now tackling each individual issue one by one, I will do so with only the best of intentions in mind, to seek out “a fresh pair of eyes” at every turn.
Yesterday afternoon I went to a long overdue appointment to see my doctor. I have ALOT of anxiety when it comes to making appointments for myself, especially ones which require me to actually pick up the phone to do so; this spans WAY beyond just doctor’s appointments.
Lucky for me though, my GP’s office just happened to call me the other morning about something completely unrelated and totally random and so I jumped at the opportunity to finally make that long overdue appointment which I’ve avoided now for weeks; even after several kindhearted friends and other amazing supports of mine urged me to make the call, some even offering to call for me.
I had mentioned several weeks ago that I have suddenly been experiencing very debilitating nausea; day and night, rapid and unprovoked weightloss within a very short period of time (which I should be grateful for but knew it was not healthy), an unrelenting feeling of fullness/bloatedness that often lasts for hours on end, even when I’ve only taken a few sips of a drink and several other symptoms as well.
After a brief examination and hearing me list off my symptoms one by one, my doctor is almost certain that I may have an ulcer, likely due to a combination of stress and the never-ending strain my body has been under for the past year and a half since the Psilocybin treatment.
Stress related ulcers usually come on suddenly and are often related to inflammation, mental health or physiological issues.
I’m three for three.
My doctor gave me a prescription for a medication and asked me to try it for the next few weeks to see whether or not my symptoms will subside on their own before sending me for a scope.
I guess like with everything else I’m dealing with, I will just have to try and be patient for now, as frustrating and nerve-ending as it may be. It’s been difficult enough just trying to navigate through life for 9 years now with treatment resistant depression, suicidal ideations almost daily (yes even in those moments of joy) and severe and often debilitating anxiety, but the last couple of years have truly been the most stressful years of my entire journey; and way beyond anything I’ve ever shared on any of my platforms.
So when all is said and done, if it is an ulcer that’s causing this added strain of symptoms on my body, all I have to say is, “What’s taken you so long to arrive? And you might as well get in line with the rest of ’em!”
Angela, once again you did not disappoint your fans last night, working the crowd from the minute she arrived. She loves to entertain and put on a show as you can well imagine if you watch 90 Day Fiance.
We watched the latest episode of her new show #thelastresort live while we ate dinner. The service and hospitality were amazing…and so was the food. It felt so surreal seeing Angela up there on the big screen TVs surrounding the restaurant while actually sitting in the same room with her.
Tom and his blushing bride Mariah (as featured on 90 Day Fiance) were absolute sweethearts. He’s nothing like the evil swine he’s portrayed as on reality tv lol. And he’s waaaay better looking in person than on tv as well. He’s also a pretty great dancer too! I’m so happy he has finally found his “Beshert”.
When I first met Angela back in April, we spoke a bit about my mental health journey. My girlfriend who’d introduced us originally had briefly talked to her about it before we met. When I met Angela in person we also talked about my children’s book I wrote, “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” and she asked me to send her a copy which she said she would promote on her socials if I promised her I would “stay alive”. I never did send her a copy but I kept my promise to her so last night I brought with me a signed copy. I kept up my end of the deal so now it’s your turn Angie😇.
The food, the entertainment, meeting new people and the atmosphere in general helped make last night really memorable for me and I’m really glad I got to share the experience with my dear friend and fellow 90 Day Fiancé fanatic Jen.
Today’s #summerofrich adventure was brought to you by solitude and sunflowers; except for maybe the 10 minute detour we took retracing our steps just after climbing up the steepest incline we’d ever encountered on any hike where I quickly realized my phone had accidentally fallen out of my pocket.
Last night I went to another community based, summer concert in the park with Rich and some friends (many of you may have already seen the pics I posted on my social media pages).
It was calling for severe thunderstorms at the time the concert was set to start and boy they weren’t kidding, but luckily it held off til we got home. We would’ve been screwed!!
This is the one concert in the park I wait every summer to see.
I absolutely love ABBA.
I’ve seen the musical Mamma Mia 9 times and the movie a dozen more.
I’m obsessed with ABBA’s music.
As the summer is quickly coming to an end (the CNE opens today which is a sure sign here in Toronto), so too are these free summertime concerts in the park.
I really do enjoy them even though music often triggers me. It has a way of moving me to tears which is exactly what happened last night. Suddenly, near the end of the concert, I became very emotional, tears filled my eyes, panic ensued and a flare up of my neurological issues made me feel like my body was about to explode. At least my new earplugs helped keep the noise at bay.
I tried not to make a scene. Rich saw right way. It certainly wasn’t the first time, nor will it be the last.
It also isn’t going to stop me from trying to get to at least one more concert this summer, but now the question is, which one? I’m torn between 2 that are taking place on the same night next week at 2 different parks. One is sure to be bursting with girl power with a tribute to Madonna, Adele, Lady Gaga and Cindy Lauper where the other one is certain to be filled with nostalgia with the hits of the Eagles.
I experienced several micro-moments of joy last night while at another summertime concert in the park, this one featuring a tribute to Elton John. It was a very welcomed reprieve from life at the moment because, you see, my depression has really felt like it’s winning lately.
It’s been feeding me vicious lie after vicious lie.
And I believe every last one of them.
It’s taken pleasure in reminding me how worthless I am.
That I hold no value in this world.
That I have failed miserably in every aspect of my life.
That I’m helpless.
That it’d be easier on everyone if…
That the world would be better off if…
It even had the audacity to try and tell me that it’s never gonna get better; that I am never gonna get better.
That last lie cuts the deepest.
Today marks 9 years since Robin Williams tragically took his own life; a day that is still very much engrained in my memory.
I’ve told the story of that evening many times before. Some pieces of it still feel very fresh in my mind. I was just 4 months into my own mental health journey the day he died. Moments before I had read the news of his passing on my phone, I’d been sitting in my car, all alone in a parking lot, my family and friends having no idea of my whereabouts (once again), contemplating my own suicide. It wasn’t the first time in that 4 month period, and it most certainly has not been the last where I have thought about or acted upon my thoughts of suicide, but it was suddenly the first time I began to truly understand the depths of my illness.
As the news quickly spread of Robin’s death, friends and family began lighting up my phone, concerned for my wellbeing and wanting to ensure I was safe. Easiest solution, I just shut it off. By now I was visibly shaken, alone and terrified and my only thought I had right after the initial shock was, “if someone of Robin Williams’ stature, who seemingly had it all could take his own life then what the heck am I waiting for?”
Those same thoughts still cloud my judgment today.
I’ve often thought how important it could be to have a scan done of my actual brain which I happened to discuss in great length yesterday afternoon with my Psychiatrist after he told me about another research study he is working on. This one thankfully doesn’t involve me taking any psychedelics or shaving my head. It only involves having a brain scan, doing bloodwork and answering questionnaires to see if they can figure out the different causes of Depression; it’s what they call “machine learning”. However, unfortunately it is still in its infant stage and could take up to a year before the study begins. But he is going to look at other avenues to have it done sooner for me.
These lies that my Depression keeps telling me are really getting the better of me this week, especially when it makes me feel like, it’s never gonna get better; that I am never gonna get better, so why bother. But I am holding on to this quote from Robin Williams, aka Mork from Ork, at the moment where he says “I don’t know how much value I have in this universe, but I do know that I’ve made a few people happier than they would have been without me, and as long as I know that, I’m as rich as I ever need to be.”
I know in my heart that my Depression lies and that maybe I’m here for a reason, a purpose and that maybe tomorrow does still need me. One thing I do know for certain is, tomorrow still needed Robin Williams and that it still needs you too!
*If you or someone you know is in crisis, help is available*#mentalhealth #depression #research #purpose #robinwilliams #suicideawareness #brainscan #tomorrowneedsyou #depressionlies #itsoktonotbeok #startaconversation #micromomentsofjoy #tgif #helpisavailable #youarenotalone
YouAreEnough 
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