YouAreEnough

The expression TGIF has never felt such urgency before as it does today.


It’s been a really difficult couple of weeks all around.


It’s caused me to suffer with severe exhaustion and brain fog.


My mind has turned to mush.


I feel so sluggish. 


I barely have the strength to put two coherent sentences together some days.


I’m overwhelmed.


Stress will do all that to the best of us.


I have a lot on my plate right now, juggling so many things, none of which feel positive.


So much of it, out of my control. 


Honest to goodness, my life feels like a complete shitshow right now, but on the upside, my mom did move to an LTC home this week.


Maybe me writing about her wait for a bed to become available last week in my blog and putting it out to the universe helped because within a few days of me making that post, my mom found out that a bed was finally available for her at one of the long-term care homes she was on the wait list for. 


My brother and I, in many respects, feel like we’ve won the lottery on our new reality. It was certainly my first choice of homes when it came to where she could have ended up. The facility was built during covid and has only been in operation for a year and a half. It’s modern. It’s innovative, all private rooms, friendly staff, and great reviews from friends who reached out to me about their experiences with the same home so far. It’s clean and bright and will offer my mom the safety, socialization, and stimulation she needs. 


The entire process has been a lot harder than I ever imagined it to be. I know it will be an adjustment for all of us, and my brother and I are doing all we can to support her the best we know how right now.


But for now, as I head into the weekend, I will be focusing on me. Self-care and laughter will be top of mind.


Thank you to everyone who had reached out to me last week and sent good vibes and well wishes. It is always so appreciated. 


TGIF and Shabbat Shalom everyone


#tgif #longweek #exhaustion #brainfog #shabbatshalom #longtermcare #laughter #selfcare #mentalhealth #wellness 

This “22” year old young lady (and also the song title of one of Taylor Swift’s most popular songs) had the BEST night of her entire life last night, alongside her big sis, dear friends and thousands and thousands of diehard, screaming “Swiftie” fans of all ages.


Rachel is a devoted “Swiftie” through and through, and has been that way for a long time now so when she couldn’t get tickets upon their first release some 18 months ago to see her idol live at one of her 6 sold out shows in Toronto, she was beyond devastated. As resale ticket prices quickly grew into the thousands, she obsessed over finding other creative ways of seeing Taylor in concert. Some of which included looking into the cost of air travel to other cities and countries as well as entering contests from sponsors giving tickets away locally where she would text both her siblings and parents 5x a day for weeks on end, ensuring we all had the codes ready to enter (I would really love to meet anyone who actually won tickets this way!).


Then, with only a week before her first Toronto concert dates, Ticketmaster released more tickets. One very loving dear friend of ours who already had tickets to last night’s show got into the queue, texted Rachel right away, letting her know, and as they say, the rest is history. 


Her mood changed in an instant. Manifesting works people. She was suddenly happier than a pig in shit and as a parent, there is no better feeling in the whole wide world than knowing your children are happy.


Quickly, her mental state and focus shifted from how she would get to see Taylor live and in concert to what she was going to wear. Her and Hannah spent hours together between work and school commitments, making friendship bracelets (a Swiftie tradition) and creating the perfect outfits by hand. Suddenly, Rich and I found ourselves jealous that we weren’t going too. Especially Rich who began watching her concerts livestreaming with the girls and listening to her music in his car. A baby boomer Swiftie fan or a dad who was over the moon happy, knowing how happy this made his daughter feel. Either way, she bought him a souvenir t-shirt last night!

Many people have questioned what the obsession with Taylor Swift is and why would anyone want to spend an exuberant amount of money for one night to see their idol in concert, many forgetting how they would’ve done the same thing back in the day for a chance to see the Beatles or Michael Jackson or even by today’s standards to see their favourite sports team in the Stanley Cup playoffs or Superbowl.

The influence of social media has definitely changed the game, though, since the Beatles or even Michael Jackson eras. Fans now have a real time and intimate look into the lives of their favourite celebrities, making their obsessions take over their lives in an even bigger way. The dopamine release of happy hormones is constant. And who doesn’t want to feel happy, God knows, I sure as heck do.

I can definitely see what the obsession is, as, even in the face of so much criticism, Taylor writes songs that are relatable to so many of us, both young and old, she has an unwavering commitment to being authentic and kind, she is a leader, she gives back, shows her vulnerabilty to the world, uses her platform for good, demonstrates resilience, is a beacon of empowerment and puts on a damn good show. So if Taylor Swift can give someone that dopamine boost they so desperately need or deserve, whether live on stage or from the comfort of their home, let her. There are plenty of unhealthy obsessions people struggle to overcome in their daily lives and there is plenty of hardship and sadness in the world right now, so whether you’re “22” or “62” (as Rich is) remember that there are plenty of worse role models out there that her fans could be obsessing over and let’s all “just keep dancing like we’re 22” instead.


#22 #taylorswift #erastour #obsession #happychildren #manifesting #dopamine #happyhormones #mentalhealth #socialmedia #concerts #bestnightoftheirlives #swifties #idol #empowerment #rolemodel

Today, my brother and I started the daunting and disconcerting task of cleaning out my mother’s apartment. We have until the end of the month to do so.


She’s lived here for over 30 years now.


For the past 8 months my mother has been confined to a hospital bed, much of this time in a rehab center, working with doctors and physiotherapists to try and regain her strength back, enough that is to be able to go back home to her apartment. 


The reality of her situation, along with a debilitating diagnosis where she will, from now on, be confined to a wheelchair began to sink in for all of us a few months ago. Going home would no longer be an option, and she would need to be placed in a long term care facility. 


This decision has been anything but easy. Tensions are high. Emotions deep. There has been an immense amount of pressure placed on my brother and I, ESPECIALLY my brother, trying to navigate our way through this new reality while taking into consideration all the components involved, much of which due to my own mental health struggles I just can’t handle and have needed to set a whole new host of healthy boundaries in my life with the help of my therapist for my own survival. 


The hospital staff started the process for us back in August. At which time she was placed on a “crisis” list at 4 or 5 LTC facilities of her choosing. They told us the process of finding her a bed in a “crisis” status could take one to six months. It’s been 3 so far with no word yet other than her applications have been approved. With her apartment almost off our to-do list soon, we will be ready for the next steps when that day arrives, hopefully, sooner than later. (Without a “crisis” status, the wait times for an LTC bed in Ontario would be YEARS; and years). 


My relationship with my mother has always been a complicated one, but my heart knows this is what’s best for her at this point in time. LTC facilities often have an undeserving reputation, but in all reality, they can offer someone like my mother the safety and comfort she needs while giving her loved ones a sense of peace. I have allowed myself to accept the knowing of what this all means without truly speaking those words out loud.


But, then why is it that I am still filled with so much anxiety, anger, fear, resentment, regret, apprehension, sadness, and guilt? I know these are very common and normal emotions to have right now, but it doesn’t make the situation any easier. 


I have to keep reminding myself that I didn’t cause any of this to happen and that I am doing the best I can to help make critical and necessary decisions based on the information and resources I have been given. I am also doing my best to handle it all to the best of my ability as I continue to try and navigate my way through so many other potholes in my life at the moment. 


Today may have been daunting and  disconcerting, but with that also came a feeling of peace as I sifted through many memories.


#relationships #family #itscomplicated #mentalheath #wellbeing  #longtermcare #itsoktofeelyourfeelings 

“Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

As I lay awake early this morning after a very restless sleep, my anxious mind began to spiral downhill quickly. 

Needing to quiet my unrelenting thoughts, I immediately jumped out of bed, got dressed, and headed out for a #summerofrich adventure in the crisp fall air.

The trail itself was a mix of mountain bikers and hikers, loads of easy to difficult terrain, and lots of twists and turns, but my mind stayed focused on the sunshine and calm while gently reminding myself that I am not my thoughts.

#nature #hiking #calm #twistsandturns #falledition #brucetrail #iamnotmythoughts #mentalhealth #wellbeing

I am a proud Canadian, yet, like most of the world, I’m completely caught up and fascinated by the American world of politics, way more than Canadian politics for sure. It, at times, has even bordered on obsessive for me, to be honest.


The results of this week’s election have completely triggered me, and I am not even American, but it affects us as Canadians, too. 


My empathetic heart has left me  feeling anxious, angry, sad, and scared. I can’t, for the life of me understand how a convicted felon, who bullies anyone who has an opinion that differs from his own, who spews hate speech and racial slurs to minority groups and most cultures, who idolizes dictators and who wants to take away women’s rights to having autonomy over their own bodies could now be the next sitting president. 


I am feeling a sense of guilt over my emotions right now as well, given that so much of the Jewish community wanted to see him win, with a strong belief that he will help Israel and promises to have the remaining hostages returned home to their loved ones as soon as he takes office, which is of course all I want to see happen more than anything too, but all I see in front of me is a narcissist who says and does whatever he so chooses; and continues to get away with it.


It’s taken me a few days to post this and I thought many times about the potential backlash I would receive in doing so but my feelings are my feelings and I know I am not alone in my struggles this week. 


As I mentioned above, I have been very triggered by this. I have experienced the wrath of a narcissist, and my grief is real. 


Grief isn’t just something quantified or proven. It’s also a very normal reaction to an outcome many didn’t expect or want, like the results of this week’s election. Everyone is allowed to feel their feelings and don’t let anyone ever tell you differently. 


There is a lot of uncertainty in the future of the world at large, which would be true whatever the outcome had been. I truly pray I am proven wrong because sometimes I am, lol, but like the great Maya Angelou once said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”  


My only wish for everyone this Shabbat is for nothing more than peace, love, and unity to be felt around the world. 


#electiongrief #godblessamerica #narcissist #mentalhealth #scared #sad #angry #anxious #feelyourfeelings #itsoktonotbeok #politics #bringthemhomenow #proudcanadian #empowered #womensrights #shabbatshalom

Just finished another meaningful presentation with a group of lovely childcare providers on the importance of self-care in both our personal and professional lives.

#selfcare #mentalhealth #wellbeing #itsokaynottobeokay #putyourselffirst #childcareprovider #wheredidmommyssmilego

Every day with you is a gift, and I feel so blessed to have you by my side. Your warm embraces, your strength, your sense of humor, and your endless amount of love and support for the kids and I (and Maggie) make everything brighter. Cheers to another year of #summerofrich adventures together. I wish you a year filled with love, laughter, and all the happiness you deserve. I love you to the moon and back, forever and a day

#sixtytwo #happybirthday #iloveyoutothemoonandback

Sleepless nights where I’m left alone with my thoughts are never a good thing. 


That inner dialogue can be downright cruel. 


And demeaning.


It’s a constant battle raging through my mind; filled with regrets, bad decisions, doubt, and thoughts of self-harm.


Nighttime is supposed to be quiet.


Peaceful. 


Why can’t that be the case for me?


I deserve peace.


I just want some peace and quiet.


Today, after a really difficult week and many sleepless nights, I did what I could to find some peace and to quiet the noise.


The only noise to be heard for miles was the sound of the fallen leaves rustling beneath my feet.

It was a welcomed calm.

#mentalhealth #summerofrich (fall edition) #nature #fall #fallenleaves #wellness #selfcare #hiking #peace #treatmentresistantdepression #anxiety #suicidalideations #itsoktonotbeok #youareworthy #youareenough

Although we don’t still use the term “nervous breakdown” anymore, it’s kinda where my state of mind is right now.

I’m dealing with such intense mental and physical stress in my life, and I am not able to cope with any of it.

I am beyond overwhelmed, thoughts are racing, and I feel like I have lost complete control.

How close does one have to get to the edge before falling off because I feel like I’m on the brink.

#nervousbreakdown #mentalhealth #physicalhealth #onthebrink #itsoktonotfeelok #racingthoughts

I was invited to take part in a research study for PGAD. The purpose of the study is to examine all aspects associated with mental and sexual health in individuals with PGAD. 


PGAD has become one of many (and the most) unrelenting symptoms consuming my daily life ever since participating in the Psilocybin clinical trial 2.5 years ago. The damage done to me neurologically has been both torturous and excruciating. 


For those of you who may not recall me opening up about (or are new to my page) this very rare, unbearable, incurable and embarrassing disorder, I will leave you a link here for more information;


https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Persistent_genital_arousal_disorder


I agreed to participate in this study, for one, there was NO risk involved in doing so and more importantly, I also did it with the hope of helping the research team (made up of psychologists, clinicians, PhD students, and gynecologists at the University of British Columbia and Queens) “understand factors that may potentially inform future psychological interventions for individuals coping with” this horrifying condition; a condition that up until now, has had very little research conducted and has affected my mental health tenfold. 


When I had my initial interview with the research coordinator approximately 6 weeks ago now to learn more about the study and what my involvement would be, she was so appreciative of my time and willingness to share my experiences on such a personal and sensitive topic. I told her I’m the one who is so appreciative of her and her team for taking the time to do this.


After my initial interview, I was sent an indepth and confidential questionnaire to complete regarding my symptoms and history with PGAD. Once completed, they sent me an Amazon gift card as a thank you! Next, I was asked to complete a daily diary that was sent to my inbox every afternoon over the course of a 21-day period, tracking and examining my daily mood and suicidal ideations. I completed this portion a couple of weeks ago and received another Amazon gift card for my time!


Late last week, after the research team tallied my results from my 21-day diary period, they sent me several graphs, each one telling a unique story and providing me with some further incite and interpretation of patterns from my symptoms and experiences over the 3 weeks in 4 different areas including the symptoms themselves, their interference in my daily activities and any trends in my emotions (both negative and positive) dependent on how bad my symptoms were on any given day.  


When I am experiencing a really bad flare up of symptoms, especially ones that feel like they go on, non stop for days at a time, I have tried myself to track whether there is any specific pattern or significance to it. The graphs and timelines they’ve given me certainly can be helpful moving forward. 

There will be 2 more follow-up tasks for me to complete in the coming weeks and months, each with another Amazon gift card as a thank you. Clinical research is imperative in helping with advancements in medical interventions and treatment. This can not be done without people like myself who volunteer to participate in them. My biggest regret in my life at this moment has to be the day I agreed to participate in the Psilocybin study 2.5 years ago as it has left me with permanent neurological damage and I swore I would never do it again. I have since turned down 3 other studies as I was not comfortable with the process and couldn’t take any more chances with my health. Can you really blame me? But I know how important these studies can be and I really want more than anything to help make a difference in some small way which was why, this opportunity felt like a necessary one due to the lack of research or available treatments there have been up to now and I was not asked to ingest anything, shave my head or give up too much of my time for it, and of course, who here doesn’t love the gift of Amazon as a token of someone’s time and appreciation. 


#pgad #clinicalstudy #amazongiftcard #appreciation #mentalhealth #wellness #vulnerabilty #research #dailydiary #results #Psilocybin