Category: vulnerability

Mrs. Doubtfire’s Mask

This week marks the fifth Anniversary of Robin Williams’ suicide. For me and for so many others, that day is still very raw and is wholly etched in my memory forever. I have written several times about the impact his death had on me and the impact it had on our society as well. In these articles I have emphasized the importance of our words and the language that we use pertaining to suicide which can also make an impact on how we as a society help end the stigma surrounding Mental Illness. Moreover, in these same articles I have discussed how so many people battling a Mental Illness still need to wear their “mask” for protection too.

As you know, I chronicle my own personal journey quite openly and honestly and I rely mostly on Social Media to do so. Robin Williams’ did not necessarily choose to do so and that was his choice and so upon hearing the news of his sudden death by suicide without knowing through any media outlets in general that he had been battling with depression it made it seem that much more difficult for many to understand. I mean, he always “looked” so “happy”, he had a thriving career making the world laugh, he had lots of money, fame, a loving family and great success; he had it all so why would he end his life many still wonder.

What we saw was what was hidden behind Robin’s “mask” as with so many other celebrities who have taken their lives before him and following his death on August 11, 2014 did all too well too. A day where I myself had been alone, no one knowing my whereabouts and contemplating ending my own life as the news of his death broke. But like Robin and Kate and Anthony and so many others, celebrity or not, I have learned to master my mask without always realizing it.

As I mentioned above, I use Social Media to chronicle my journey and Facebook in particular has become a very important tool in doing so. I will admit that I love Facebook (yes I love Facebook) even though I don’t actually spend a lot of time each day on it scrolling through my feeds because I can be easily triggered. But it’s a safe place for me to write and express myself without having to be face to face with others. It has helped me build up a substantial network for many things including my blog, it allows me to keep up with daily news & entertainment and it connects me to old friends and so many of the new friends it’s allowed me to make.

So what’s my point you’re probably wondering? I get the impression some days that I am confusing many people and I don’t want to wear my “mask” anymore because it is suffocating me. People read or see many of my posts on Facebook (and Instagram too) and think “oh look how great, Kim is going out, she must be feeling better!!” The truth is I go out all the time and for the past five years since I began battling with depression and anxiety I have gotten up everyday and showered everyday as well (sometimes twice). I do what I can most days, when I can and with who I can and even if I am quite limited as to what daily activities I can and can’t do and with whom I can and can’t do them with I am doing them at my own pace and within my own boundaries.

I want to be able to show the world the many faces of Depression and Anxiety and that includes all the good stuff I do along with the hard stuff too. I want everyone to see that there are many sides of Depression and Anxiety but I want to also be able to do it without being judged and I most definitely want to do it without my mask on because no matter what I am doing, more often than not, I am still doing it while experiencing severe anxiety (and sometimes panic), chronic depression and on many days with suicidal ideations as well.

Are You Better?

The other day I was watching a daily Landvlog as I try to do most days. For those of you who may have missed my previous articles discussing Michael Landsberg and his Not for Profit organization #sicknotweak.com please feel free to check him out on Facebook or Twitter if you haven’t already and to also learn more about what this incredible man has done for people who suffer with a mental illness you can visit my blog site: http://www.youareenough712.wordpress.com to read what he has done for me personally (“My Evening With Michael Landsberg”; April 30, 2019 and “A Reminder To Keep Fighting”; May 2, 2019).

So as I said a moment ago I was recently watching one of Michael Landsberg’s daily Landsvlogs and although every time I watch one something usually resonates with me, but the other day was one of those days where I felt like he was talking directly to me. He spoke about something that happens to me often, something that can be quite triggering for me, something so innocent and most often coming from a good, kind-hearted place yet can also be quite harmful to someone like me.

He spoke about a woman he knows who recently tried to take her own life and who thankfully survived but she is now dealing with the pressure and guilt from those who care about her who keep asking “are you better?” It may seem like any ordinary question for many but to someone struggling with a mental illness, their first thought may be that if I say “no” then I will let you down, or I will disappoint you or maybe even worse, you will walk away.

I know it seems confusing for people to understand because they “can’t see the answer” right in front of them and maybe they just want to see what they want to see or hear what they want to hear because that gives them hope, but in reality it is just adding more pressure and guilt on to your friend, parent, child, coworker or even acquaintance, and it is most definitely keeping the person who is suffering from being true to themselves. It only adds further to the stigma and our need to wear a mask because it’s so much easier than letting you down, it’s so much easier than disappointing you and definitely so much it’s easier than watching you walk away.

So I guess the best advice Michael echoes in his Landsvlog is that you should never stop asking “how are you doing?” or “how are you feeling?” as long as it’s not with the expectation that the answer will be a positive one or that you will not feel disappointment or frustration if the answer is a negative one. He also reminds us that our tone can make all the difference between allowing someone to unmask or feel the need to lie because you know by their tone that they don’t really want to hear the truth especially when it feels more like a rhetorical question. I have personally felt that tone of “hey, feeling better?” or “you seem like you’re doing better?” or “you look better?”

I want nothing more than to one day tell you “I’m feeling awesome!” and really mean it, but for now I will continue to be as truthful and open and honest as I have been even if it means letting you down, disappointing you or watching you walk away. #itsoknottobeok

Am I An Imposter?

Today is the first time I have sat down to write in like 2 weeks. I hate that I feel pressured to write, I mean no one is actually pressuring me to do so except for my inner voice that keeps telling me I should write more. It’s not like I have deadlines to meet or a boss yelling in my ear to have 5 articles on their desk by Monday morning or else!!

But I like writing, it is a very peaceful activity that I can do for myself and by myself. It allows me to focus, it gives me a purpose and some new perspectives, it keeps my creative juices flowing and it’s a safe place to unscramble many of my thoughts and emotions. Writing makes things seem clearer when they are right in front of you which can often help me release some stress and anxiety in that moment too.

Not only do I love writing for myself but I also love writing for others as well. It has become my way of giving strength to many people who struggle with a Mental Illness, along with their loved ones too by sharing my own personal fight and raw emotions and giving them the courage to reach out for help in finding their own way through this dark and sometimes very lonely path. As well, by writing, I am able to shine a light on society through my own personal experiences and my own understanding of that dark and sometimes very lonely path who may otherwise have not been able to perceive or grasp the many intricate, complex difficulties that come with battling a mental illness, even if everyone’s journey is so different.

Yet one of the biggest battles I face everyday is the feeling that whatever I do, whatever I accomplish or whatever victory I achieve no matter how big or small it may seem, I feel like an imposter or a fraud. I never feel worthy of my successes or allow myself time to enjoy them and more often than not I find a way to sabotage my achievements.

Success may look and feel very different to everyone and for someone like myself who battles with depression and anxiety daily, even that one simple task completed each day is a huge success and should be celebrated. But I don’t. There is such a thing called the “Imposter Syndrome” and although it’s a real thing, it’s not something that your doctor is gonna necessarily diagnose you with, nor will they hand you over a prescription for but that “thing” is a very recognizable symptom of my illness and is prominent in most aspects of my life.

People who suffer with “Imposter Syndrome” are continuously filled with self-doubt, never allowing themselves to feel adequate. I myself can spin any success or task I complete around in a millisecond with a negative thought without even batting an eyelash. I also have a very difficult time accepting praise and compliments for my successes or tasks completed even knowing how genuine they are because I never feel worthy enough or deserving enough but I will continue to work at it. Afterall, we are all just a work in progress.

FOMO (Anxiety) VS. JOMO (Depression)

Today began as a particularly sad day. I awoke to the realization that it was the first time in a decade that we would not be making the 3 hour trek to camp to visit our kids on Visitor’s Day. We did just see our girls last weekend when they came home for a night off to help celebrate their brother’s 21st birthday surprise party, but I still couldn’t help but think of all the memories we have made together during our visits with them at camp (which was also once my home away from home), and there was no escaping my emotions when my newsfeed on Facebook has been flooded all weekend long with pictures of parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles alike making their own special memories.

This past week was exhausting, overwhelming and extremely busy to say the least which led to my immune system being compromised and ended with a visit to the doctor where he was able to prescribe medicine for my physical symptoms but was unable to help with my emotional ones, something that haunts me everyday because it’s just another sad reminder that there simply is no magic pill for me. And maybe part of my emotional pain this week was knowing that I wasn’t welcome at camp this summer because my kids are all staff now and even though I’ve had a year to prepare me for today I seemed to fall short. (see blog: Our Last Visitor’s Day; All Good Things Must Come To An End, July 23, 2018)

The funny thing is that over the past 5 years, Visitor’s Day has been very difficult for me to say the least and as much as I wanted to be there and see the happiness that radiates from their sun tanned faces, breathe in the country air and just be in the moment it’s something that is also beyond overwhelming and emotional for me too. You see, suffering with Depression and Anxiety comes into play in almost every role and almost every situation I face every day, it’s a catch 22 of sorts and there is no escaping such circumstances when you battle with FOMO (anxiety) and JOMO (depression) all at once.

FOMO for those who don’t know is an acronym for the “Fear of missing out”. It has certainly become a buzz word for many since our lives seem to revolve so much around the internet and social media nowadays. It’s a fear of being excluded, a fear that others are living a better, more fulfilling life without you, it’s a fear of making wrong choices and it’s a fear of regret. FOMO is extremely anxiety provoking and something that keeps me avoiding scrolling my Newsfeeds much these days. It is mentally draining some days. On the other hand I also suffer as I mentioned from JOMO (depression) or as the acronym states “Joy of Missing out”.

JOMO is the complete opposite of FOMO as it describes the pleasure of taking a break from others, activities and social media in order to disconnect and take care of yourself. It’s allowing yourself to be okay with taking a hiatus from the world around you and of course social media. Oftentimes it is a coping mechanism for someone like myself who suffers with depression, sometimes we have no choice but to remember that it’s okay.

So today I left my FOMO and my JOMO behind and Rich and I headed out for the afternoon, not for our usual #summerofrich hikes but for some quiet time together away from the city, breathing in some country air and just being in the moment. And we found the perfect place to do just that called Terre Bleu Lavender Farm! Hope you enjoy the pics.

Dear Evan Hansen

Dear Evan Hansen:

I just wanted to let you know just how much I have been looking forward to seeing you tonight but I’m not gonna lie to you either cuz I’m pretty overwhelmed right now in the anticipation of seeing you as well. You see, my level of anxiety has reached an all time high lately which has in turn made my level of depression feel like its reached an all time low. But keeping all this in mind I have also been waiting eagerly to see you for the last several months and during that time I’ve been able to set several small (and hopefully) attainable goals for this evening as I find myself having to do for most aspects of my day to day life. I knew that by setting several smaller goals for tonight as opposed to just one GIGANTIC one would help keep my momentum going and help build my confidence and my belief that I can and will make it through tonight no matter how many tears I shed. I also knew that by focusing my energy on several smaller goals would be a much more rewarding and much less distracting task for me.

Oh and just one more thing before I let you go as I know that you are very busy preparing for the show but I just wanted to also say thank you; thank you for being brave enough to tackle so many of the issues surrounding our youth and society in general today and for encouraging an open and honest dialogue on so many important mental health issues, many of which most others haven’t had the courage to do before. Bravo!

Now let’s get on with the show!

Sincerely Yours,

Kim

#goals #ilovemusicals #ilovethetheatre #anxiety #depression #bullying #suicide #youareenough #mentalhealth #itsoktonotbeok #youth #bravo #startaconversation #courage #yourmentalhealthmatters #youmatter #apowerfulmessage #findingyourway #breakaleg #dearevanhansen #thankyoutomylove #alongawaitedanniversarygift #summerofrich

Are Bucket Lists Bad For Your Mental Health?

The other day I posted something on my Facebook and Instagram pages and attached a picture of a cute little dog with a caption that read “Is writing a book on your bucket list?” It seemed only fitting when I saw it as I had just found out that I was being awarded a grant from a non-profit organization for the publication and outreach of my children’s book which also meant that something I had only dreamt about for a long time was no longer just a wild dream but in reality one of the biggest accomplishments of my life.

The thing is though, writing a children’s book, or actually publishing one wasn’t even on my bucket list at all, and the reason being is that I’ve never given it much thought to having a bucket list. I mean I have always had goals and aspirations, or things that I have always hoped for or dreamt about experiencing in my lifetime just like everybody else but I have only ever made a mental note of them. In order for something to truly be considered part of a bucket list one must write them down, keep track of them, create timelines, make plans or goals and then scratch them off your list one by one throughout your lifetime.

When you really stop and think about where the meaning behind a bucket list originated from it can feel quite morbid as this list is a reflection of what you want to accomplish before you die or as the phrase implies; “kick the bucket”! This can often result in poor mental health when we become consumed with trying to check all these items off of our list suggesting that it’s the only way we can win at life.

So why can having a bucket list result in poor mental health? Well for starters, bucket lists focus on things that are often unattainable to most people and can in turn cause anxiety or depression. It’s very important to set goals and have aspirations, along with hopes and dreams but if it’s on your bucket list it may lose its meaning all together behind the actual experience, the reflection of the experience and the ability to live in the moment when all you really care about is making sure you check each item off your list as quickly as possible.

Social media today of course can also play a huge role in why a bucket list can become harmful to our well-being because somewhere along the way we have lost what is truly important and that bigger doesn’t necessarily mean better. When you see others scratching items off their bucket list it can make us second guess our own goals and aspirations as well as our hopes and dreams.

It’s my birthday on Sunday and over the last several years it has become one of the most difficult days of the year for me. Birthdays often make us reflect on the year that has just passed and of course on the year ahead but this year in particular I find myself reflecting even more than ever as I continue to battle for my survival. Like a bucket list, our lives are forever changing and growing and if you do have a bucket list I’m pretty sure it has changed and grown with age.

I do make lots of lists (probably daily and you should see how long the list is right now), but more of a to-do list in order for me to be able to function even just a bit but as little as those items on my to-do list may seem to others, they are my goals and aspirations and sometimes my hopes and dreams and when they aren’t able to get scratched off right away I feel like a complete failure. But at least I know that even if they are small items and meaningless to others, they are attainable ones and seeing as it’s unlikely that I will ever go skydiving one day (seeing as I’m terrified of heights and flying that is probably the worst example ever) or eat croissants in a cafe in Paris, for now, my survival depends on just checking off the little moments in my life instead.

Do you have a bucket list? If so what’s on your list? Is it alphabetized, prioritized, colour coded or theme based? Who have you shared it with? How often do you add to it or make changes?

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

Let’s All Show Our Pride

The month of June is better known as “Pride Month” which celebrates the LGBTQ community by raising awareness of sexual diversity and gender variance. Pride month also helps increase self-affirmation, inclusivity, dignity and equal rights in the gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and transgender communities. And although we may have come a long way since its inception, the LGBTQ community still lives in very frightening times and many are too afraid to be who they want to be for fear of rejection, judgment, ridicule, violence, prejudices or discrimination.

Due to many of the challenges that the LGBTQ community face it is of little to no surprise that they are among the highest rate of any one community to suffer with Mental Health challenges, more so than the general population. Just imagine yourself as a young child, frightened because you feel “different” from the rest of your peer group or imagine you try to hide your “differences” for fear that you may be rejected, judged, or ridiculed by your peers and family, or imagine longing to be able to connect with other peers who are also “different” but you don’t know how to, or imagine still that those “differences” you have been trying to bury for so long become known within your peer group and suddenly you find yourself the victim of discrimination, prejudices or worse, violence.

These are just some examples of what individuals in the LGBTQ community may struggle with for part or all of their lives which can easily escalate into Depression, Anxiety and Trauma when they begin to lack self-worth and self-acceptance or begin feeling hopeless and alone. The long term effects of internalizing their negative self-talk can also create many additional struggles of both shame and guilt. They may feel shame and guilt for being “different” or for feeling the way they do, or for doing what they do, all of which can lead to further emotional and physical scars.

Many of you reading this right now may have once been that frightened young child, or maybe you are still struggling with the pain and anguish of being “different” in your adult years or maybe you were one of the lucky ones who found support from your friends, family and community right away. Either way it is especially important to recognize and celebrate the “Pride” movement and everything and everyone it stands up for as they take the mental health of their communities very seriously and bring people together in such a meaningful way.

Celebrating Pride month helps us imagine a world where being “different” is okay, where being “different” is acceptable and that we should all embrace our differences in one another because isn’t that what makes the world a much brighter and more colourful place to live just like the Pride flag so boldly represents.

The Call To Courage (Brene Brown)

I recently watched the Brene Brown special on Netflix called “The Call To Courage”. If you are unfamiliar with her work let me assure you that she is worth knowing. Brene has a PHD, an MSW and is a Research Professor at the University of Houston. She is also the author of MANY #1 New York Times bestselling books (many of which I have read) and has spent most of her career researching and studying Courage, Vulnerability, Shame and Empathy and she is now the first person to have a filmed talk available on Netflix.

“The Call To Courage” was both witty and exceptional and also proved from start to finish how important and necessary it is for us to choose “courage over comfort” by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. As I sat there listening to her speak I found myself captivated by her truth and honesty and began to see the parallels between what she was saying and my own life because I realized that I have been choosing “courage over comfort” by sharing my story with you.

I’ve been choosing to have conversations about the “uncomfortable” things; I’ve been choosing to communicate about my shame; I’ve been choosing to express my fears and I’ve been choosing to “show up to the arena” which according to Brene is the bravest thing any of us can do. Theodore Roosevelt first coined the phrase “showing up to the arena” during a speech he gave way back in 1910 but Brene has taken it to a whole new level and through to a whole new century by showing her audience how truly important it is to be vulnerable.

I just wanted to share with you a small snippet of his speech. In it he states; “It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood.”

I’ve also been choosing to share my story by owning my truth, by trying not to betray myself for worry that I will be judged or ridiculed by other people and by “having the courage to show up knowing that you can’t control the outcome” but at the same time also understanding that the only true pathway to getting there is by being marred by the dust, sweat and blood while exhibiting your vulnerability.

Just thinking about choosing to show up to the arena is petrifying and filled with so much uncertainty and risk. What if we fail? Or then again, what if we succeed? But as Brene points out, winning the race may not be about coming in first after all but instead it’s more about being brave enough to “just come off the block and get wet”. Something I need to try and do every day by continuing to choose “courage over comfort”.