Taking a much needed break today on the water, spending time with good friends and some new friends too. Swimming, eating, drinking and chillaxing with a good book. This picture makes my heart so full. Important conversations are happening everywhere! #mentalwellness #selfcare #startaconversation #depression #moms #kidsmentalhealthmatters #youarenotalone #youmatter #itsoktonotbeok #bepresent #endthestigmatogether #wheredidmommyssmilego #summerofrich
MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL
It’s no secret that I need a good kick in the pants each morning when I look in the mirror (and several more times throughout the day) because what I see is most often a distortion of reality. What I see when I look in the mirror is worthlessness, failure and helplessness.
I know what you’re probably thinking, I can see your heads shaking in confusion; asking yourself; how could she see those things in the mirror after what she just accomplished? How could she think those things after she just fulfilled her dream of publishing a children’s book? How could she possibly feel this way? Well, simply put, it’s called Depression.
A great way to describe depression is not as a feeling of sadness which many believe to be true, but more as the inability to feel joy and then mix that with a heapful of anxiety and I am left too overwhelmed to live in the moment for long.
This week there may have been a moment of joy but it was abruptly and due to very unexpected circumstances turned into deep sadness and now both my husband and I are left in need of a good kick in the pants more than ever when looking in the mirror so I decided it was the perfect time to try an experiment that I had learned in therapy.
Last night before getting into bed I wrote all over our bathroom mirror (with a dry erase marker!). Surprise Rich! And as you can see from the picture attached, I wrote lots of positive affirmations; leaving very little room for any negative self-talk to reflect through and more room to create peace of mind and joy.
I’ve never really been much into science experiments before but it’s been proven to be an effective way to improve your self-critical way of thinking. These affirmations are messages to your subconscious which perpetuate your way of thinking and believing by reading them aloud repeatedly. I guess I will take it one mirror at a time!
What are some other positive affirmations you see in your reflection when looking in the mirror?
It’s really happening! My book is now available on Amazon.ca.(Canada only). If outside of Canada please email me at kimfluxgold@gmail.com
Thank you for all your endless love and support. #dreamsdocometrue #goals #visions #reachforthestars #endthestigmatogether #youareenough #children #family #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #selfcare #ichooseme #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #youmatter #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok
First, I just wanted to start by saying a heartfelt thank you for all of the incredible outpouring of support I have received over the last day or so from everyone in regards to my new book. I am speechless! Yesterday my husband and I spent most of the day at a Youth Mental Health Fair which I mentioned to you earlier in the week where I got to promote my book and do some networking as well. It’s one of the most satisfying feelings in the world to give back and help support a good cause, especially one that is very near and dear to your heart.
As most of you are well aware, issues surrounding youth mental health today has been on a scary and steady rise over the last many years and sadly our mental health care support system has been on a very steady decline. I met so many amazing people yesterday, many of whom their lives have been deeply impacted by this steady decline and many of which have seen first hand that the stigma surrounding mental illness has not come as far as I had once hoped.
I listened to one heartbreaking story after another from relatives and friends and parents all of whom had lost someone they loved to suicide in their youth. One such story came from a young girl who lost 2 classmates to suicide and that the school administration told the students that they were not allowed to talk about the tragedies at school as it could have a triggering or copy cat effect on others. I was not necessarily shocked (okay I’m lying, I was jaw droppingly shocked), but I was also deeply saddened that instead of helping these students and their families cope and heal from these sudden losses they should just sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened.
I heard several other very similar stories, one in particular from a girl who wrote a beautiful poem for a school assignment after losing her cousin to suicide, earning her an A+, but upon wanting to share it with her peers at a school assembly she was shut down. And there was one story in particular that is etched in my mind. I met the parents of a boy who after years of suffering and feeling very let down by the healthcare system took his own life 5 years ago at the age of 17. His parents at one time during his journey were told by a psychiatrist that he was unable to help their son because he wasn’t “sick enough yet” and to bring him back when he got sicker. There truly are no words. Smh
I will remember yesterday, not by the books I sold but by the human connections I made, by the support I felt radiating in a room filled with strangers and by knowing that there are so many kindhearted people out there advocating for the change we so desperately need.
Today began as a particularly sad day. I awoke to the realization that it was the first time in a decade that we would not be making the 3 hour trek to camp to visit our kids on Visitor’s Day. We did just see our girls last weekend when they came home for a night off to help celebrate their brother’s 21st birthday surprise party, but I still couldn’t help but think of all the memories we have made together during our visits with them at camp (which was also once my home away from home), and there was no escaping my emotions when my newsfeed on Facebook has been flooded all weekend long with pictures of parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles alike making their own special memories.
This past week was exhausting, overwhelming and extremely busy to say the least which led to my immune system being compromised and ended with a visit to the doctor where he was able to prescribe medicine for my physical symptoms but was unable to help with my emotional ones, something that haunts me everyday because it’s just another sad reminder that there simply is no magic pill for me. And maybe part of my emotional pain this week was knowing that I wasn’t welcome at camp this summer because my kids are all staff now and even though I’ve had a year to prepare me for today I seemed to fall short. (see blog: Our Last Visitor’s Day; All Good Things Must Come To An End, July 23, 2018)
The funny thing is that over the past 5 years, Visitor’s Day has been very difficult for me to say the least and as much as I wanted to be there and see the happiness that radiates from their sun tanned faces, breathe in the country air and just be in the moment it’s something that is also beyond overwhelming and emotional for me too. You see, suffering with Depression and Anxiety comes into play in almost every role and almost every situation I face every day, it’s a catch 22 of sorts and there is no escaping such circumstances when you battle with FOMO (anxiety) and JOMO (depression) all at once.
FOMO for those who don’t know is an acronym for the “Fear of missing out”. It has certainly become a buzz word for many since our lives seem to revolve so much around the internet and social media nowadays. It’s a fear of being excluded, a fear that others are living a better, more fulfilling life without you, it’s a fear of making wrong choices and it’s a fear of regret. FOMO is extremely anxiety provoking and something that keeps me avoiding scrolling my Newsfeeds much these days. It is mentally draining some days. On the other hand I also suffer as I mentioned from JOMO (depression) or as the acronym states “Joy of Missing out”.
JOMO is the complete opposite of FOMO as it describes the pleasure of taking a break from others, activities and social media in order to disconnect and take care of yourself. It’s allowing yourself to be okay with taking a hiatus from the world around you and of course social media. Oftentimes it is a coping mechanism for someone like myself who suffers with depression, sometimes we have no choice but to remember that it’s okay.
So today I left my FOMO and my JOMO behind and Rich and I headed out for the afternoon, not for our usual #summerofrich hikes but for some quiet time together away from the city, breathing in some country air and just being in the moment. And we found the perfect place to do just that called Terre Bleu Lavender Farm! Hope you enjoy the pics.
Dear Evan Hansen:
I just wanted to let you know just how much I have been looking forward to seeing you tonight but I’m not gonna lie to you either cuz I’m pretty overwhelmed right now in the anticipation of seeing you as well. You see, my level of anxiety has reached an all time high lately which has in turn made my level of depression feel like its reached an all time low. But keeping all this in mind I have also been waiting eagerly to see you for the last several months and during that time I’ve been able to set several small (and hopefully) attainable goals for this evening as I find myself having to do for most aspects of my day to day life. I knew that by setting several smaller goals for tonight as opposed to just one GIGANTIC one would help keep my momentum going and help build my confidence and my belief that I can and will make it through tonight no matter how many tears I shed. I also knew that by focusing my energy on several smaller goals would be a much more rewarding and much less distracting task for me.
Oh and just one more thing before I let you go as I know that you are very busy preparing for the show but I just wanted to also say thank you; thank you for being brave enough to tackle so many of the issues surrounding our youth and society in general today and for encouraging an open and honest dialogue on so many important mental health issues, many of which most others haven’t had the courage to do before. Bravo!
Now let’s get on with the show!
Sincerely Yours,
Kim
#goals #ilovemusicals #ilovethetheatre #anxiety #depression #bullying #suicide #youareenough #mentalhealth #itsoktonotbeok #youth #bravo #startaconversation #courage #yourmentalhealthmatters #youmatter #apowerfulmessage #findingyourway #breakaleg #dearevanhansen #thankyoutomylove #alongawaitedanniversarygift #summerofrich
I’ve being trying really hard to be strong lately while hiding behind my mask, even looking at the glass half full instead of completely empty but then in the blink of an eye it all came to a crashing halt. My emotions are running very deep right now and I feel like trying to hide behind my mask has just made things worse for me. I am feeling completely powerless over everything in my life today and it’s been a real reality check per say.
By trying to put on an act lately I figured others would be more willing to accept me without judgment but in reality hiding behind my mask has just overwhelmed me more than ever. As many of you know I moved recently (see blog: Moving Sucks; July 2, 2019) and the move itself has been a positive one as the energy around us is a gazillion times better than in our previous home (that’s a whole other story for another time) but now I am left feeling that my change of address should have been a cure for my anxiety and depression.
I truly wish that it was that simple, that somehow a fresh coat of paint on a wall or moving in general would signify that I could leave my illness behind and the pressure I’m experiencing from it has caused me to feel even less than okay. We all face pressure and live with a certain degree of stress in our daily life but when you add depression and anxiety into the mix we tend to add a lot of unnecessary pressure and stress on ourselves much of the time, most of which we do without even realizing we are doing it.
I have become my own worst enemy and self-sabotaging is something I excel at. The most dangerous part about self-sabotaging behaviour is that as I just mentioned above, we often do it in our subconscious. Subconsciously you feel like you are never good enough or that you don’t deserve happiness or that you are unworthy of success. And the best way to feed into these emotions is by continuing to wear that mask in order so that no one else will figure out that maybe it’s true, maybe you aren’t good enough, maybe you don’t deserve happiness and maybe you are unworthy of success.
I don’t want to wear my mask because I know that somewhere deep down inside I have come too far in my mission to help end the stigma surrounding mental illness and I have also helped many others take off their masks as well. But sometimes it just feels like a necessity to wear my mask in order to protect myself from my own worst enemy, which of course is ME and when I’m faced with these situations I need to somehow learn to kill my self-sabotaging ways with kindness in order to become my own best friend instead.
The other day I posted something on my Facebook and Instagram pages and attached a picture of a cute little dog with a caption that read “Is writing a book on your bucket list?” It seemed only fitting when I saw it as I had just found out that I was being awarded a grant from a non-profit organization for the publication and outreach of my children’s book which also meant that something I had only dreamt about for a long time was no longer just a wild dream but in reality one of the biggest accomplishments of my life.
The thing is though, writing a children’s book, or actually publishing one wasn’t even on my bucket list at all, and the reason being is that I’ve never given it much thought to having a bucket list. I mean I have always had goals and aspirations, or things that I have always hoped for or dreamt about experiencing in my lifetime just like everybody else but I have only ever made a mental note of them. In order for something to truly be considered part of a bucket list one must write them down, keep track of them, create timelines, make plans or goals and then scratch them off your list one by one throughout your lifetime.
When you really stop and think about where the meaning behind a bucket list originated from it can feel quite morbid as this list is a reflection of what you want to accomplish before you die or as the phrase implies; “kick the bucket”! This can often result in poor mental health when we become consumed with trying to check all these items off of our list suggesting that it’s the only way we can win at life.
So why can having a bucket list result in poor mental health? Well for starters, bucket lists focus on things that are often unattainable to most people and can in turn cause anxiety or depression. It’s very important to set goals and have aspirations, along with hopes and dreams but if it’s on your bucket list it may lose its meaning all together behind the actual experience, the reflection of the experience and the ability to live in the moment when all you really care about is making sure you check each item off your list as quickly as possible.
Social media today of course can also play a huge role in why a bucket list can become harmful to our well-being because somewhere along the way we have lost what is truly important and that bigger doesn’t necessarily mean better. When you see others scratching items off their bucket list it can make us second guess our own goals and aspirations as well as our hopes and dreams.
It’s my birthday on Sunday and over the last several years it has become one of the most difficult days of the year for me. Birthdays often make us reflect on the year that has just passed and of course on the year ahead but this year in particular I find myself reflecting even more than ever as I continue to battle for my survival. Like a bucket list, our lives are forever changing and growing and if you do have a bucket list I’m pretty sure it has changed and grown with age.
I do make lots of lists (probably daily and you should see how long the list is right now), but more of a to-do list in order for me to be able to function even just a bit but as little as those items on my to-do list may seem to others, they are my goals and aspirations and sometimes my hopes and dreams and when they aren’t able to get scratched off right away I feel like a complete failure. But at least I know that even if they are small items and meaningless to others, they are attainable ones and seeing as it’s unlikely that I will ever go skydiving one day (seeing as I’m terrified of heights and flying that is probably the worst example ever) or eat croissants in a cafe in Paris, for now, my survival depends on just checking off the little moments in my life instead.
Do you have a bucket list? If so what’s on your list? Is it alphabetized, prioritized, colour coded or theme based? Who have you shared it with? How often do you add to it or make changes?
YouAreEnough 
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