Category: regrets

Mrs. Doubtfire’s Mask

This week marks the fifth Anniversary of Robin Williams’ suicide. For me and for so many others, that day is still very raw and is wholly etched in my memory forever. I have written several times about the impact his death had on me and the impact it had on our society as well. In these articles I have emphasized the importance of our words and the language that we use pertaining to suicide which can also make an impact on how we as a society help end the stigma surrounding Mental Illness. Moreover, in these same articles I have discussed how so many people battling a Mental Illness still need to wear their “mask” for protection too.

As you know, I chronicle my own personal journey quite openly and honestly and I rely mostly on Social Media to do so. Robin Williams’ did not necessarily choose to do so and that was his choice and so upon hearing the news of his sudden death by suicide without knowing through any media outlets in general that he had been battling with depression it made it seem that much more difficult for many to understand. I mean, he always “looked” so “happy”, he had a thriving career making the world laugh, he had lots of money, fame, a loving family and great success; he had it all so why would he end his life many still wonder.

What we saw was what was hidden behind Robin’s “mask” as with so many other celebrities who have taken their lives before him and following his death on August 11, 2014 did all too well too. A day where I myself had been alone, no one knowing my whereabouts and contemplating ending my own life as the news of his death broke. But like Robin and Kate and Anthony and so many others, celebrity or not, I have learned to master my mask without always realizing it.

As I mentioned above, I use Social Media to chronicle my journey and Facebook in particular has become a very important tool in doing so. I will admit that I love Facebook (yes I love Facebook) even though I don’t actually spend a lot of time each day on it scrolling through my feeds because I can be easily triggered. But it’s a safe place for me to write and express myself without having to be face to face with others. It has helped me build up a substantial network for many things including my blog, it allows me to keep up with daily news & entertainment and it connects me to old friends and so many of the new friends it’s allowed me to make.

So what’s my point you’re probably wondering? I get the impression some days that I am confusing many people and I don’t want to wear my “mask” anymore because it is suffocating me. People read or see many of my posts on Facebook (and Instagram too) and think “oh look how great, Kim is going out, she must be feeling better!!” The truth is I go out all the time and for the past five years since I began battling with depression and anxiety I have gotten up everyday and showered everyday as well (sometimes twice). I do what I can most days, when I can and with who I can and even if I am quite limited as to what daily activities I can and can’t do and with whom I can and can’t do them with I am doing them at my own pace and within my own boundaries.

I want to be able to show the world the many faces of Depression and Anxiety and that includes all the good stuff I do along with the hard stuff too. I want everyone to see that there are many sides of Depression and Anxiety but I want to also be able to do it without being judged and I most definitely want to do it without my mask on because no matter what I am doing, more often than not, I am still doing it while experiencing severe anxiety (and sometimes panic), chronic depression and on many days with suicidal ideations as well.

Creative Writing 101

Back in high school I took a creative writing course and at the time I just figured it would be an easy credit for me. As a final assignment I had to write and illustrate a children’s book and we even got to bind the book together ourselves with cardboard, construction paper, a protective covering and some glue! To this day I can’t remember the grade I actually got on it but I can tell you that it is probably the only assignment I really remember putting my full heart and sole into and it is most definitely the only one I still have with me today.

I guess there must’ve been good reason that I never let go of it. I mean, it was never published or even recognized beyond that classroom door but maybe I held onto it for another purpose. Maybe it had been nudging me for all these years from a dusty box in the basement to follow a dream I had since I was a young child when I would spend hours creating poetry and writing short stories and drawing and drawing some more. Maybe it was that high school creative writing class that allowed me to find the courage to start my blog and to go so far as to write and actually publish a children’s book. And maybe just maybe it’s a good thing that I dusted off that box in the basement and opened my heart and sole up to a lifelong dream, a dream that I can finally share with the world in less than 2 weeks!! #goals #dreams #highschooliskey #stayinschool #keepdreaming #create #writing #envision #memories #timmyandbecky #findingmypurpose #mentalillness #mentalhealth #youmatter #depression #anxiety #youareenough #courage #wheredidmommyssmilego

FOMO (Anxiety) VS. JOMO (Depression)

Today began as a particularly sad day. I awoke to the realization that it was the first time in a decade that we would not be making the 3 hour trek to camp to visit our kids on Visitor’s Day. We did just see our girls last weekend when they came home for a night off to help celebrate their brother’s 21st birthday surprise party, but I still couldn’t help but think of all the memories we have made together during our visits with them at camp (which was also once my home away from home), and there was no escaping my emotions when my newsfeed on Facebook has been flooded all weekend long with pictures of parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles alike making their own special memories.

This past week was exhausting, overwhelming and extremely busy to say the least which led to my immune system being compromised and ended with a visit to the doctor where he was able to prescribe medicine for my physical symptoms but was unable to help with my emotional ones, something that haunts me everyday because it’s just another sad reminder that there simply is no magic pill for me. And maybe part of my emotional pain this week was knowing that I wasn’t welcome at camp this summer because my kids are all staff now and even though I’ve had a year to prepare me for today I seemed to fall short. (see blog: Our Last Visitor’s Day; All Good Things Must Come To An End, July 23, 2018)

The funny thing is that over the past 5 years, Visitor’s Day has been very difficult for me to say the least and as much as I wanted to be there and see the happiness that radiates from their sun tanned faces, breathe in the country air and just be in the moment it’s something that is also beyond overwhelming and emotional for me too. You see, suffering with Depression and Anxiety comes into play in almost every role and almost every situation I face every day, it’s a catch 22 of sorts and there is no escaping such circumstances when you battle with FOMO (anxiety) and JOMO (depression) all at once.

FOMO for those who don’t know is an acronym for the “Fear of missing out”. It has certainly become a buzz word for many since our lives seem to revolve so much around the internet and social media nowadays. It’s a fear of being excluded, a fear that others are living a better, more fulfilling life without you, it’s a fear of making wrong choices and it’s a fear of regret. FOMO is extremely anxiety provoking and something that keeps me avoiding scrolling my Newsfeeds much these days. It is mentally draining some days. On the other hand I also suffer as I mentioned from JOMO (depression) or as the acronym states “Joy of Missing out”.

JOMO is the complete opposite of FOMO as it describes the pleasure of taking a break from others, activities and social media in order to disconnect and take care of yourself. It’s allowing yourself to be okay with taking a hiatus from the world around you and of course social media. Oftentimes it is a coping mechanism for someone like myself who suffers with depression, sometimes we have no choice but to remember that it’s okay.

So today I left my FOMO and my JOMO behind and Rich and I headed out for the afternoon, not for our usual #summerofrich hikes but for some quiet time together away from the city, breathing in some country air and just being in the moment. And we found the perfect place to do just that called Terre Bleu Lavender Farm! Hope you enjoy the pics.

I’m My Own Worst Enemy; Life As A Self-Saboteur

I’ve being trying really hard to be strong lately while hiding behind my mask, even looking at the glass half full instead of completely empty but then in the blink of an eye it all came to a crashing halt. My emotions are running very deep right now and I feel like trying to hide behind my mask has just made things worse for me. I am feeling completely powerless over everything in my life today and it’s been a real reality check per say.

By trying to put on an act lately I figured others would be more willing to accept me without judgment but in reality hiding behind my mask has just overwhelmed me more than ever. As many of you know I moved recently (see blog: Moving Sucks; July 2, 2019) and the move itself has been a positive one as the energy around us is a gazillion times better than in our previous home (that’s a whole other story for another time) but now I am left feeling that my change of address should have been a cure for my anxiety and depression.

I truly wish that it was that simple, that somehow a fresh coat of paint on a wall or moving in general would signify that I could leave my illness behind and the pressure I’m experiencing from it has caused me to feel even less than okay. We all face pressure and live with a certain degree of stress in our daily life but when you add depression and anxiety into the mix we tend to add a lot of unnecessary pressure and stress on ourselves much of the time, most of which we do without even realizing we are doing it.

I have become my own worst enemy and self-sabotaging is something I excel at. The most dangerous part about self-sabotaging behaviour is that as I just mentioned above, we often do it in our subconscious. Subconsciously you feel like you are never good enough or that you don’t deserve happiness or that you are unworthy of success. And the best way to feed into these emotions is by continuing to wear that mask in order so that no one else will figure out that maybe it’s true, maybe you aren’t good enough, maybe you don’t deserve happiness and maybe you are unworthy of success.

I don’t want to wear my mask because I know that somewhere deep down inside I have come too far in my mission to help end the stigma surrounding mental illness and I have also helped many others take off their masks as well. But sometimes it just feels like a necessity to wear my mask in order to protect myself from my own worst enemy, which of course is ME and when I’m faced with these situations I need to somehow learn to kill my self-sabotaging ways with kindness in order to become my own best friend instead.

Are Bucket Lists Bad For Your Mental Health?

The other day I posted something on my Facebook and Instagram pages and attached a picture of a cute little dog with a caption that read “Is writing a book on your bucket list?” It seemed only fitting when I saw it as I had just found out that I was being awarded a grant from a non-profit organization for the publication and outreach of my children’s book which also meant that something I had only dreamt about for a long time was no longer just a wild dream but in reality one of the biggest accomplishments of my life.

The thing is though, writing a children’s book, or actually publishing one wasn’t even on my bucket list at all, and the reason being is that I’ve never given it much thought to having a bucket list. I mean I have always had goals and aspirations, or things that I have always hoped for or dreamt about experiencing in my lifetime just like everybody else but I have only ever made a mental note of them. In order for something to truly be considered part of a bucket list one must write them down, keep track of them, create timelines, make plans or goals and then scratch them off your list one by one throughout your lifetime.

When you really stop and think about where the meaning behind a bucket list originated from it can feel quite morbid as this list is a reflection of what you want to accomplish before you die or as the phrase implies; “kick the bucket”! This can often result in poor mental health when we become consumed with trying to check all these items off of our list suggesting that it’s the only way we can win at life.

So why can having a bucket list result in poor mental health? Well for starters, bucket lists focus on things that are often unattainable to most people and can in turn cause anxiety or depression. It’s very important to set goals and have aspirations, along with hopes and dreams but if it’s on your bucket list it may lose its meaning all together behind the actual experience, the reflection of the experience and the ability to live in the moment when all you really care about is making sure you check each item off your list as quickly as possible.

Social media today of course can also play a huge role in why a bucket list can become harmful to our well-being because somewhere along the way we have lost what is truly important and that bigger doesn’t necessarily mean better. When you see others scratching items off their bucket list it can make us second guess our own goals and aspirations as well as our hopes and dreams.

It’s my birthday on Sunday and over the last several years it has become one of the most difficult days of the year for me. Birthdays often make us reflect on the year that has just passed and of course on the year ahead but this year in particular I find myself reflecting even more than ever as I continue to battle for my survival. Like a bucket list, our lives are forever changing and growing and if you do have a bucket list I’m pretty sure it has changed and grown with age.

I do make lots of lists (probably daily and you should see how long the list is right now), but more of a to-do list in order for me to be able to function even just a bit but as little as those items on my to-do list may seem to others, they are my goals and aspirations and sometimes my hopes and dreams and when they aren’t able to get scratched off right away I feel like a complete failure. But at least I know that even if they are small items and meaningless to others, they are attainable ones and seeing as it’s unlikely that I will ever go skydiving one day (seeing as I’m terrified of heights and flying that is probably the worst example ever) or eat croissants in a cafe in Paris, for now, my survival depends on just checking off the little moments in my life instead.

Do you have a bucket list? If so what’s on your list? Is it alphabetized, prioritized, colour coded or theme based? Who have you shared it with? How often do you add to it or make changes?

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

The Call To Courage (Brene Brown)

I recently watched the Brene Brown special on Netflix called “The Call To Courage”. If you are unfamiliar with her work let me assure you that she is worth knowing. Brene has a PHD, an MSW and is a Research Professor at the University of Houston. She is also the author of MANY #1 New York Times bestselling books (many of which I have read) and has spent most of her career researching and studying Courage, Vulnerability, Shame and Empathy and she is now the first person to have a filmed talk available on Netflix.

“The Call To Courage” was both witty and exceptional and also proved from start to finish how important and necessary it is for us to choose “courage over comfort” by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. As I sat there listening to her speak I found myself captivated by her truth and honesty and began to see the parallels between what she was saying and my own life because I realized that I have been choosing “courage over comfort” by sharing my story with you.

I’ve been choosing to have conversations about the “uncomfortable” things; I’ve been choosing to communicate about my shame; I’ve been choosing to express my fears and I’ve been choosing to “show up to the arena” which according to Brene is the bravest thing any of us can do. Theodore Roosevelt first coined the phrase “showing up to the arena” during a speech he gave way back in 1910 but Brene has taken it to a whole new level and through to a whole new century by showing her audience how truly important it is to be vulnerable.

I just wanted to share with you a small snippet of his speech. In it he states; “It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood.”

I’ve also been choosing to share my story by owning my truth, by trying not to betray myself for worry that I will be judged or ridiculed by other people and by “having the courage to show up knowing that you can’t control the outcome” but at the same time also understanding that the only true pathway to getting there is by being marred by the dust, sweat and blood while exhibiting your vulnerability.

Just thinking about choosing to show up to the arena is petrifying and filled with so much uncertainty and risk. What if we fail? Or then again, what if we succeed? But as Brene points out, winning the race may not be about coming in first after all but instead it’s more about being brave enough to “just come off the block and get wet”. Something I need to try and do every day by continuing to choose “courage over comfort”.

THE BIG BANG THEORY” DEFINES FAMILY

I had a good cry last night, it wasn’t just any cry, it was one of those really ugly cries. It was the kind of cry you have when you feel like you’ve just lost your best friend, which is kinda how I felt.

Last night was the series finale of “The Big Bang Theory” which is now one of the longest running Television Series in TV history and probably my most favorite of all. For twelve seasons I have watched “The Big Bang Theory” every Thursday night without fail (thank goodness for PVR’s) and I watch it regularly in reruns too (it might even border a bit on the obsessive side). I have undoubtedly seen the first 10/11 seasons at least a dozen times each by now (but who’s kidding who, it’s WAY more than that, right Rich?).

“The Big Bang Theory” centered around four socially awkward friends who in its very first episode befriends a beautiful aspiring actress/waitress when she moves in across the hall from two of them. They have absolutely nothing in common with one another yet somehow build relationships that many could only dream of having. Over time, several other key and supporting characters were also introduced into the mix and together over the course of twelve seasons we watched them grow into one big family.

Throughout the years “The Big Bang Theory” taught us so much about Science, Superheros and Star Wars but most of all it taught us so many important life lessons. It taught us that girls can be anything and do anything, it taught us that it’s okay to be different or quirky, it taught us about kindness, it taught us to reach for the stars, it taught us about acceptance and friendship and most of all it taught us the true definition of family.

Family can no longer be defined in the traditional sense of the word as two parents and children living together in one household because in today‘s complex world that is just simply unacceptable. And furthermore, who wants to believe that anyway.

Family also means a lot more than just being related by blood or marriage and “The Big Bang Theory” proved this to their audiences week after week right up until finale night. You know the old saying “You can’t choose your family”; well that is of course unless you redefine the word “Family” like these characters did.

The characters all had complicated and unconventional relationships with their parents and siblings which often made for some super funny episodes but who they relied on day after day as their confidants, who they spent holidays and birthdays with, who they shared their successes and failures with, who they reached out to whenever they needed a shoulder to cry on were their friends, the ones they chose to be their family.

I know what it feels like when friends become family. I have been lucky enough to know that feeling many times throughout my life. It’s the people in your life who want you to be in theirs, it’s the ones who accept you for who you are; imperfections and all, it’s the ones who go out of their way to make you smile and it’s the ones who love you no matter what. That’s what the true meaning of family is all about and that is what I will take away from watching all 279 episodes of “The Big Bang Theory”.

The final episode did not disappoint and it went out with a “Big Bang” and one last “Bazinga” but I’m still not ready to say goodbye. I’m really gonna miss tuning in each and every week to watch my Thursday night family continue to evolve but at least I know that they are just one click of a button away in reuns.

How do you define the word Family?

Depression: The Bully Within

I mentioned recently that it’s been really difficult to write lately (Blog; Writer’s Block: AKA Depression, April 11, 2019) even though I have always found writing to be quite cathartic but with so many added stressors in my life right now I find it’s become too much of a hindrance for me.

That hindrance I speak of is the bully that lives inside my head and his name is “Depression”. A bully by definition is someone who “seeks to harm, intimidate or coerce” another human being who they perceive as vulnerable. The behaviour is usually habitual and identified by a social or physical imbalance of power. For anyone who has ever experienced the cruel devastation of bullying whether it be physically, verbally or cyberly knows how easily it can leave an individual with a lifetime of scars; both physical and emotional ones.

My bully has managed to do all of those things to me which I have mentioned above and has left me with too many scars to count. Because my bully lives inside my head it knows every single emotion there is to know about me. It knows all my aspirations and dreams and it most certainly knows all of my fears and insecurities which he has used to demean me, devalue me, humiliate me and shame me time and time again.

His dominance of power over me is really taking its toll right now, more than ever. He makes me doubt everything I do more than ever. He makes me question everything I say more than ever. He tells me I’m not good enough or worthy enough more than ever and he tells me how much of a burden I am to the world more than ever.

Oftentimes when a child is being bullied others may tell them to stand up to him (or her) which may seem even more scary than the bully itself. Standing up to a bully does not necessarily mean that you need to get physical toward them (I beat myself up enough as it is) but standing up to the bully in more practical ways can help rebuild their self-esteem and self-worth. I am desperately trying to stand up to my bully but lately it just seems like a losing battle because he lives inside of me and never leaves my side.

I keep trying though and I keep writing even if it’s on a much smaller scale lately. I try desperately to ignore the bully because we all know that bullies are looking for a negative reaction from its victim. I try with some confidence to tell the bully to stop, hoping that I can intimidate him and he will leave me alone. I try to avoid certain places or situations where I know I will feel most vulnerable around my bully and I continue to talk about him even though it’s too painful sometimes. But I also know that my courage in doing so is helping many others understand that they are not to blame for their bully’s actions and that finding the strength to talk about their bullies is the most powerful and freeing tool of all.

April 4, 2014: It’s Been Five Long Years;(

It’s been a really tough week for me, like omfg tough. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions causing so much pain and anguish which in turn leads to very scary and intrusive thoughts. I’m used to it by now though because you see, I’ve been on this roller coaster ride for 1,825 days, 43,800 hours and 2,628,000 minutes (no wonder I feel so nauseous all time). It was five years ago today; April 4, 2014 when I headed out the door to go to work that Friday morning like any other seemingly normal weekday, but by five o’clock that afternoon my entire world came crumbling down and I have been trying to put the pieces of my life back together ever since.

That Friday morning, April 4, 2014, I was doing what I had been doing for several months. I was heading to a job that I hated. A job that made me doubt my self-worth. A job that made me uncomfortable. A job that made me question my integrity. A job that made me compromise my morals and a job that made me feel unsafe. Ok so it wasn’t so much the job itself that did all that, but in actuality it was a boss who did.

Turns out I was working for a crook, a scam artist and one mighty smooth talking jackass (actually there were two of them!). I started to realize very early on that this crook, scam artist and smooth talking jackass was doing some very illegal shit and partaking in some very immoral behaviours which included ponzi/pyramid schemes and stealing money from innocent and unsuspecting people (your welcome to google his name because it’s all there for the world to see on the world wide web).

He wooed me for several months before I decided to leave another job to start working with him. When I did eventually start working with him I was so excited and thought I had finally found a job that I could build into a thriving career. I fell for his charm (stupid, stupid me) but at least I was lucky enough to have only invested my time with him and not my money.

But on April 4, 2014 after I was asked to do something I felt was ethically and morally wrong I packed up my belongings and hightailed it out of there. I got into my car completely petrified and completely broken (but at least he actually paid me that day, unlike so many previous weeks). I drove around petrified and broken for hours upon hours while my entire family and many friends headed out all over the city trying to find me because the last thing I did after leaving my office was tell my husband I wanted to die and then I turned off my phone.

It was on that day that I lost my will to live. It was on that day that I became hopeless. It was on that day that I felt worthless. It was on that day that I realized I was a complete and utter failure and it was on that day that I discovered just how much of a burden I truly am. Something inside of me snapped that day five years ago or so it might of seemed at the time, but what I didn’t know then was I had truly been suffering in silence for a long, long time and didn’t even realize it.

A great deal of my pain and suffering is from many of the regrets I have in my life and although it’s only human to have some regrets throughout your lifetime, if they are not safely managed they can turn into depression and anxiety. Many of my regrets have left me feeling completely broken and feeling like I have absolutely no purpose in my life either. But at least now I can recognize how much power many of my regrets have taken away from me so that maybe I will one day be able to build from those regrets and find my true purpose in this world (this does not include my role as wife and mom).