Category: overwhelm

Maybe I Don’t Want To Get Better

No matter what’s going on in my life I have a very difficult time deriving any joy or pleasure from day to day activities or life events. I mean I do experience happiness in my life but then in the blink of an eye I can manage to twist every ounce of it into despair or displeasure. Just this past week alone there have been many moments of happiness including a long awaited job offer for Rich but I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop because that’s what depression and anxiety do to your mind.

My illness tells me that I don’t deserve to feel any joy or pleasure and maybe it’s right because lately it’s convinced me that maybe I don’t want to get better.
Maybe it’s just easier to surrender to this disease or to live with chronic depression and debilitating anxiety than to try and fight it. It’s kinda become the norm, maybe even somewhat comforting like an old worn out pair of slippers. Maybe if I can accept the fact that I will never get better then there will be less pressure on me as it feels as if it’s what is expected of me nowadays anyways. Maybe I’ve been lying to myself all along that recovery is what I really want.
Trying to pacify my pain and sadness seems near impossible when I’ve been trying for so long and nothing I do seems to be the right answer (including my new medication, see blog “Should I Or Shouldn’t I?” https://youareenough712.wordpress.com; Oct 30, 2019) which in turn just causes me more pain and more sadness.
Change can be terrifying after all and the truth is that depression and anxiety have become a big part of who I am now and everyone knows that human beings are creatures of habit.
So what if I do conquer this dreadful disease one day, then what am I going to be left with? Who will I become? Where will I belong? Will I have lost my purpose? How will I fit in? The fear of the unknown can sometimes be scarier than the known. Fear feels safe right now and protects me from further failure and hopelessness. But fear also takes away my power and motivation to allow me to find out just how worthy I really am.
#itsoktonotbeok #depression #anxiety
#suicideprevention #whoami #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #checkonyourlovedones #mentalillness #selfcare #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #youarenotalone #fears

It’s Not All Black And White

*May be Triggering*

The colours (shades, tones? Whatever you want to call them) black and white are as opposite as day and night. They are recognizably different from one another and clearly distinct from each other too. But not everything is always so black and white in this world and I can tell you that when it comes to suicide, things are never just black or white, more often than not, they are actually pretty darn gray.

The gray area of suicide isn’t just about wanting to end your life and being at peace with it, but it’s also about fighting to stay alive. I have been in that gray area more times than I care to admit to over the last many years and over the past couple of weeks it’s been no acception. I am finding myself totally obsessed with the colour gray.

I decided to look up the meaning of the colour gray; here is some of what I found: “The colour gray is impartial, detached, unemotional and indecisive – the fence sitter. Too much of the colour gray creates sadness and depression and a tendency to loneliness and isolation. The closer gray gets to black, the more dramatic and mysterious it becomes. The closer it gets to silver or white, the more illuminating and lively it becomes.” (empower-yourself-with-color-psychology.com/color-gray)

It has become increasingly more difficult each day trying to figure out which side of the gray fence I want to sit on and at the same time, the irony is not lost on me that most of my clothing is either black or gray. But the real kicker was that today I actually realized for the first time that my illness doesn’t want me to feel closer to silver or white, it doesn’t want me to become more illuminated or lively, it doesn’t want me to feel joy or happiness even when I am presented with it, and maybe it’s right.

1-833-456-4566 Suicide Prevention Canada

#endthestigmatogether #youareenough #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #itsoktonotbeok #suicide #youarenotalone #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #speakyourtruth #courage

The Yellow Brick Road

The “Wizard Of Oz” may just be an 80 year old timeless classic to many, but when you look beyond the “Black and White” you will find there are so many valuable and “Colorful” lessons on the screen. First and foremost it’s a movie about a journey of self-discovery and how we may need to follow the “Yellow Brick Road” in order to find ourselves. We may also need to weather some “Storms” along the Yellow Brick Road which can feel very scary and often filled with uncertainty but if we allow ourselves to ask for help along the way from the people who are willing to walk “Arm in Arm” with us down the Yellow Brick Road to the “Rainbow” within ourselves, it can feel a whole lot less scary. The movie also shows us as well that we have to keep trying to bury the “Wicked Witch of the West” who wants nothing more than to do everything in her power to make us believe that we are not worthy of fighting to find that power within us. And lastly, if we have a comfortable pair of “Ruby Slippers” to wear while “Skipping” down the Yellow Brick Road it could definitely help ease the pain while putting out the “Fire”.
I wonder where I can get myself a pair of those ruby slippers in a size 8? Maybe a tiara and magic wand too!
#selfcare #selflove #selfdiscovery #itsoktonotbeok #ichooseme #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youarenotalone #bekindtoyourself #startaconversation #findingmypower #dontsufferinsilence #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #checkonyourlovedones
#wizardofoz #rubyslippers #yellowbrickroad
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

At Least It’s Not All In My Head

I’ve mentioned before that many studies show that there is a correlation between the level of inflammation in our body and Depression and that the higher the markers of inflammation are, the more likelihood that your body may reject antidepressants and lead to a diagnosis of “Treatment Resistant Depression”.
Throughout the last 5.5 years my doctor has had to keep an eye on my inflammation markers because they have often been at higher than normal levels and may just be what ultimately led to my diagnosis of “Treatment Resistant Depression”.
For those who missed my blog yesterday “The Physical Side Of Depression” (Nov. 21, 2019: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com), I mentioned how I have been experiencing a terrible amount of muscle/joint pain throughout my entire body over the last 5 or 6 weeks and a feeling of exhaustion much different than my regular feeling of exhaustion from lack of sleep which led my doctor to send me for a full body scan the other day. I received the results of that test yesterday afternoon and the good news for me was that the pain I’m feeling may actually not just be all in my head like my depression and anxiety want me to believe, but the bad news is I now need to have further tests done because the scan found high levels of that said inflammation in my wrists, my arms, my spine/lower back, my hips and my legs.
I’m feeling very overwhelmed right now thinking that “The Physical Side of Depression” may have led me to this point in my journey and that somehow I caused this to happen. I’m feeling exhausted just thinking about the possibility of learning to live with yet another so called “invisible illness” like Arthritis as that is what they are now looking further into. I’m feeling hopeless because what if my body rejects more medications and more treatments on top of all the ones it already has? To sum it all up, plain and simply I’m feeling defeated.
#itsoktonotbeok #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #chronicillness #youareenough #inflammation #invisibleillness
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

The Physical Side Of Depression

I spent several hours yesterday having a bone imaging test done. Over the past 5 or 6 weeks I’ve been experiencing a terrible amount of muscle/joint pain throughout my entire body and it has been getting increasingly worse to the point where I decided (or was encouraged) last week to finally make an appointment to see my GP; something that I avoid doing at all costs as I find it very difficult to even just pick up the phone to make the call. Sadly, my depression and anxiety are constantly chattering back and forth in my head telling me that I am bothering her and making me feel guilty for bothering her which in all honesty I know is the furthest thing from the truth and that my doctor has been nothing but one of my greatest support systems since day one but it just gets too damn exhausting trying to argue with a warped sense of yourself all the time.

When you picture a person struggling with depression many individual’s first thoughts that may come to mind are that of someone who is sad, someone who isolates themselves or someone who sleeps a lot or not at all. What many individuals may not realize is how much depression also affects someone physically.

Throughout my journey I have been affected by my fair share of physical challenges, many of which have caused a limited ability to do everyday tasks and have also included countless visits to doctors and specialists, much of which were due to many of the medications I was taking and although I have recently started a new medication (see blog: Should I Or Shouldn’t I; Oct 30, 2019) these symptoms began several weeks earlier. However I have now been on my new medication for just over 2 weeks and the physical side effects have sometimes made it difficult to know what may be from the meds or not as the pain has become so unbearable some days and my new psychiatrist has decided to wait a few more weeks to increase my dose.

My depression and anxiety have become quite heightened over the last 6 weeks which I have mentioned, along with many (or most) of my senses have also become super heightened too (especially sounds and smells) and lets not forget to add in a spoonful of sudden hormonal changes as well and now the task at hand is to figure out if there is any correlation between them all.

Physical symptoms are very common in major depression and major depression can most definitely cause physical distress and long term physiological distress as well but for now my doctor is taking all the necessary precautions in order to rule out other causes of my pain first, something that any great support system would do!

Who are your greatest support systems?

#depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youareenough #youarenotalone #endthestigmatogether

Being An Advocate Through Lived Experience

It’s no secret that I am extremely passionate about Mental Health and over the last few years I have become more and more vocal about it, however, I often feel like I’m a fraud, a fake or even an imposter. I mean how can I begin to make changes to the way in which mental illness is looked upon by so many if I don’t have a degree in Psychology (I do have one in Sociology though!) or how can I make others understand that mental illness does not discriminate against anyone if I don’t have a degree in Psychiatry, or how can I make someone feel safe enough to take off their mask and start a life changing conversation if I don’t have some other kind of degree in healthcare? Well I guess the simple answer is; I have something way more valuable to offer because I have lived experience.

I may not have figured out yet how to help myself, and I certainly don’t claim to have all the answers but being able to openly and honestly share my story knowing that someone out there feels less alone or that someone out there shows more compassion toward a loved one who is suffering with a mental illness or that someone out there no longer judges another person because of their mental illness then I am happy to be that poster child who can help advocate for change and help end the stigma surrounding mental illness.

Being able to connect with so many people (both young and old) during what has been the most challenging part of my life can be quite liberating and cathartic for me but often times after I share a blog or post something on Social Media is when I feel most like a fraud, a fake and an imposter. I mean how can I spread hope to others when I myself feel so hopeless or how can I tell someone their life is worth living when I don’t feel like mine is?

But when I am able to calm the anxiety and negative self-talk down a level or two and realize that I don’t need to be “better” or “cured” or “recovered” to help someone else feel less alone or to support them or their loved ones along their journey or to feel empathy and compassion toward others who feel just as hopeless or worthless as me because we share that mutual understanding and bond that goes beyond what any textbook can give us.

Our lived experiences may all be unique to each one of us but having the strength to share our stories together can make the greatest impact of all!

“The Spoon Theory” How Many Spoons Do You Use In A Day?

I recently read an article describing what it feels like to be sick with a chronic illness and whether or not it’s a mental or physical disability (or both), most days we need an army of spoons just to get through. The “Spoon Theory” is simply a metaphor which was created by a woman by the name of Christine Miserandino who suffers from Lupus and one night while enjoying a dinner out with a friend she was caught off guard when her friend asked her what it truly felt like to be sick.

It is so difficult to really grasp a true understanding of what a person battling any mental or physical illness feels and as much as I try to help others understand, it’s really hard to lay out every detail and emotion of every single day. But using a handful of spoons (or any other cold metal object) could actually do the trick! You see, a healthy mind and body start off each morning with endless possibilities, they don’t need to think about how their actions or routines are going to affect their day like that of someone with a mental and/or physical disability would. This is where the spoons come into play!

As a healthy person holds the bouquet of spoons in their hand they never quite give a second thought as to how many spoons they will need in order to get through their day but when you are battling a physical and/or mental illness those spoons become your lifeline. When Christine handed her friend the arrangement of spoons and told her to count them one by one and to be conscious of how many she was holding in her hand, but more importantly to be very careful not to drop any of them as they are sacred to a person who is sick. Her friend did as she was told and counted them one by one but was disappointed to discover that she only had twelve all together and proceeded to ask for more. Christine laughed at her and explained that she wished she could find a way to have more than twelve spoons to hold on to most days.

These spoons are by no means a crutch, an excuse or a way to obtain sympathy but more so they are a means to an end. Each and every day I (and countless others) wake up and are immediately faced with challenges as well as many sacrifices and I can probably speak for those of us who face physical and/or mental struggles daily that we would give anything to not have to be faced with these internal/external struggles in order to keep going.

Now I’m gonna ask you to take a moment and think about your day to day routines, chores and leisure activities you do and as Christine told her friend, don’t leave anything out even if you think or it may seem so simple or mundane because they are not so simple and mundane for me. Just by opening my eyes each morning I have already lost my first spoon of the day because I can’t just jump out of bed to start my day. For starters, I have barely slept, I don’t want to get out of bed and then the anxiety, exhaustion and guilt begin to unravel the rest of my day and slowly take away a spoon at a time.

The energy it takes to physically get out of bed, to shower, to prepare a meal, to get dressed, to get to work or to go to school for many people struggling with a mental/physical disability can be so challenging that they have already lost six spoons before even leaving the house in the morning. And then there are the days where it’s still early in the evening and you only have one spoon left and have to make choices and sacrifices in order to make it right up until bedtime. Sometimes you may need to borrow a spoon or two from tomorrow just to get through today but then you run the risk of feeling even more depleted tomorrow.

I hate feeling like I always have to make choices and sacrifices that can often affect other people around me but when I’m faced with losing that very last spoon I have to in order to keep a reserve of spoons for days ahead and it’s especially important to have that reserve in order to do the things I can with the people I want holding my “spoons” the most.

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

The Verdict Is In

Believe it or not this has been one of the most difficult decisions I’ve made throughout my journey thus far. In case you missed my recent blog “Should I Or Shouldn’t I?” (https://youareenough712.wordpress.com; Oct 30, 2019) the verdict is in and now I lay in wait. #inneedofsomegoodvibes #hardestpilltoswallow #battlingmyinnervoice #waitinggame #scared #fears #noshame #honesty #courage #justanotherdayinmylife #onelasttry #neversaynever #antidepressants #ichooseme #heregoesnothing #herewegoagain #itsoktonotbeok #nomask #endthestigmatogether #treatmentresistantdepression #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #suicide #ideations #whatif #startaconversation #selfcare #dontsufferinsilence #youareenough #youmatter #youarenotalone #yourmentalhealthmatters #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness

Should I Or Shouldn’t I?

As most of you who have been following my journey know, I gave up on medication several years ago after being diagnosed with Treatment Resistant Depression. I struggled for close to 3 years with trying to find the right concoction of medication that could help lift my mood and keep my anxiety to a minimum.

I experienced severe side effects from trying over 20 medications (sometimes 3 to 4 at one time) which led to a tremendous amount of physical health challenges and many additional mental health issues too. I had enough and so did my husband. Throughout the last few years since coming off my medications I have continued desperately to find other kinds of treatment that would hopefully do what the medications were unable to do and without having to endure any additional and sometimes quite serious side effects that they were causing.

I don’t think anyone can say I didn’t try hard enough except that is for my inner voice that keeps telling me every day that I haven’t tried hard enough, that I should have tried harder, that I need to try harder. It’s that same inner voice that agreed to go see one of the top psychiatrists in the city when I was presented with the opportunity recently.

I have not been to a psychiatrist in a couple of years mainly because after my wonderful psychiatrist left the province I never found anyone who seemed to be truly invested in my recovery which is what led me to find other avenues myself most of which have not been very successful to say the least.

As I have mentioned over the last few weeks my symptoms of depression and anxiety have become amplified to an all time high. I have been battling with more panic attacks and worsening anxiety than ever before along with very intense suicidal ideations which is why when I was presented with this opportunity by someone who may not know me well but is just as invested in my journey wanted to help make this connection happen quickly and from the kindness of her heart.

I am beyond grateful that so many people have not given up on me and go to great lengths to ensure that I don’t give up on me either. I have already met with the new doctor a couple of times in the last couple of weeks and we have discussed with both me and my husband many avenues we can take from here and in the near future. One such avenue is of course medication.

He is well aware now of my history with medication (and my GP sent him the endless list of the ones I’ve already tried) and he is definitely aware of my fear of even thinking about trying one more. He discussed one in particular with me today that he feels could be worth being that one more try. He talked about it’s benefits compared to many others I’ve been on before, we talked about the side effects that terrify me and he gave me handouts on it and wrote me a script which he said if I decide to try it he will monitor me every step of the way and that he will increase it at a snail’s pace for me.

So what do I have to lose at this point? Should I or shouldn’t I?

#mentalwellness #mentalhealth #youmatter #itsoktonotbeok #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #suicide #ideations #youareenough #medication #antidepressants

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

Engagement Post

Make time to take care of YOU this weekend. What will your Self-Care include? #takecareofyourself #selfcare #selflove #ichooseme #bekindtoyourself #youareenough #youmatter #mentalwellness 💜💙❤💖🧡💚💛