The third Monday in January has been deemed “Blue Monday”.
I wrote a blog several years ago as to my thoughts on why labeling today “Blue Monday” is a slap in the face for someone like myself who battles with Depression every day of the year (see blog: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2019/01/21/stop-calling-it-blue-monday/). But still for many people experiencing the worst snowstorm we’ve had in years, I’m sure that today did feel pretty blue.
I hope though that you were able to find some beauty and calm in today and took time to refill your mental health cup by shutting down your computers and enjoying the day for what it truly was; a snow day, which means staying in your pj’s all day or playing outside in the snow and then warming up with a cup of hot chocolate with mini marshmallows (see blog I wrote yesterday: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2022/01/16/who-doesnt-love-a-snow-day%f0%9f%99%84/).
I feel so much nostalgia on snow days. Remembering the excitement on my face when my mom would inform me that school was cancelled that day (even when in my early years living in Montreal my home was literally ten houses away from school), being able to stay in your pj’s all day while simultaneously watching TV and the snow falling from outside the window or getting all bundled up to go outside to build a snow fort or have a snowball fight and then coming back inside for some hot chocolate with mini marshmallows.
There is just something about snow days that brings a sense of comfort with it. There’s a feeling of calm and gentleness that comes from watching the snow fall. Its peacefulness and purity fills me with warmth inside and there is nothing more picturesque than seeing the beauty and wonder that comes following a snowstorm. It can be extremely mezmerizing and give your body, your mind and your soul a moment to just be in the here and now.
We are expecting an epic snowstorm tonight and into tomorrow morning. The first one this season (it’s already the middle of January and there’s no snow on the ground!). Oftentimes we get all worked up about a big storm coming and then we awake to five flakes of snow and suddenly we get upset because deep down inside we were secretly praying for a snow day. Deep down inside we were wishing for a day where we could just stay in our pj’s, putting all our commitments and stressors on hold.
That was then but with the reality of what we have all been living through over the last two years, having a snow day tomorrow is the last thing our bodies, our minds and our souls need, especially for the many children excited to finally get back to school tomorrow and with this snowstorm on the horizon it has the potential to cause another day of school closures and bus cancellations. You really suck right now Mother Nature.
The last two years have felt like one gigantic snowstorm, but not the kind that gives us that euphoric or nostalgic feeling of calm and serenity but the kind that puts our lives at a standstill. Staying home in our pj’s sipping on hot chocolate with mini marshmallows are no longer the best feelings in the world. Digging our cars out from under ten feet of snow or shoveling our way out the front door just so we can go somewhere, anywhere for that matter suddenly are though.
Wishing everyone, especially the many parents, teachers and little ones heading offline and hopefully back to school and work tomorrow a safe and picturesque day filled with so much beauty and wonder. ❄
It’s been well over a month since our last #summerofrich adventure took place. There’s been several personal reasons for it and probably some poor excuses added into the mix when it comes to my love (but mostly) hate relationship with winter. I’ve really missed it though.
This most recent lockdown in Ontario seems to be having way more of an impact on my mental health than all the other ones combined. I’m just done. I feel like I’m being suffocated.
I felt a bit more energized this morning for the first time in a long while yet extremely jittery. I began to shake as though I’d been pumped up on a gallon or so of caffeine. I couldn’t sit still. I wanted to run, not literally of course because I despise running! But I needed to do something to stop the feeling I was experiencing.
A #summerofrich hike crossed my mind, but only for a brief moment until I remembered that it was like minus 25 degrees outside today. So now what? Where can we go when there is nowhere to go because everything is shut down? I felt trapped. I could feel myself spiraling. I could not sit home today even if it was so damn cold outside. I just needed to move my body and get the fuck out of my head so badly.
We strolled through the open corridors, did some window shopping and people watching (our equivalent to observing nature), worked up a sweat from lugging around our heavy coats, smelled some sweet aromas, stretched our bodies and cleared our heads, and for a short while it kinda felt as normal as is humanly possible right now.
We may not have been able to breathe in the crisp winter air today or hear the chirpy sounds in nature or smell the beautiful scents that come from being in the great outdoors but the change of scenery felt both refreshing and rejuvenating and we even escaped unscathed from any signs of frostbite or hypothermia.
Earlier tonight I took a sleeping pill. It was just before 8 PM to be exact. The night before I’d gotten a solid one and a half hours of sleep (which has become increasingly more and more the norm for me). It may come as no surprise then that I was beyond exhausted tonight and all I wanted more than anything else was to try and get some sleep. But I knew that once I got into bed, no matter how tired I was I wouldn’t sleep without some aid.
When I take a sleeping pill (usually a few nights a week to try and avoid building up an immunity to them) it can often take several hours for it to actually kick in so seeing how tired I was I really wanted to try and get ahead of the game tonight so I settled into bed and asked Rich to please bring me a pill which he keeps hidden from me for my own protection ); something I also have a very hard time accepting but understand at the same time, especially weeks like this one.
As I mentioned above it was just before 8 PM when he gave it to me. But by some grand miracle and from the abundance of exhaustion I was already feeling, the pill began to take affect much quicker than usual and within 20 minutes I could feel myself drifting off to sleep which I wasn’t about to fight off knowing just how much I needed to sleep.
But by 9 PM I was awake, wide awake infact, and here I am still very much awake many, many hours later.
Forty minutes give or take was how long I slept. Forty f@*king minutes.
Nighttime depression is honestly the worst. I experience it very regularly; whether it was just after a good day surrounded by friends or loved ones or after a warm bubble bath before bed or an afternoon spent hiking for hours in the hot summer heat, it’s there waiting for me to settle in for the night. For many people who battle Depression, it’s the time of day that you dread most and feel most trapped in your own thoughts. It’s the time of day you are most likely to experience an increased amount of loneliness, racing thoughts, agitation, emptiness, isolation and hopelessness.
Lying awake in the middle of the night, tossing and turning and unable to sleep you may also feel completely abandoned with only your negative thoughts to hold on to.
There are a ton of added stressors going on in my life right now (I’m likely not alone in that feeling) which isn’t helping when at 4:57 AM you find yourself “standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more you can honestly take” as you desperately try to refocus your catastrophic thoughts with your mind going a mile a minute further down a very dark and scary rabbit’s hole.
I’m sure some of you may be thinking as you read this that I should probably turn off my phone; which I am currently using to write this on (I’m not even gonna mention then that my TV is also on mute in the background) but these are much needed distractions for me during my insomnia /nighttime depression. I don’t do well in total darkness and to be completely honest I hate the stillness that comes with the night as well, both add a whole other layer of rumination and anxiety.
So for now as I desperately try to make it through another sleepless night I will snuggle under my weighted blanket with Maggie nestled up beside me and continue to repeat my mantra in my head; “Everything will be okay”, “Everyone is okay”, “I am okay”.
Going into this afternoon I’d already been experiencing some additional anxiety leading up to an appointment I had today.
Once I arrived at my appointment my anxiety began to escalate further and continued building throughout the duration of it. I immediately started to practice several grounding exercises and did my best to also practice some breathing exercises in order to ensure I didn’t make a big scene in front of anyone.
Tears welled up in my eyes several times; I did everything I could to hold them back by continuing to engage in my grounding exercises and take deep and full breaths.
Once my appointment was finally complete I felt a sense of relief. That relief however was only momentary as I now had another obstacle in front of me. My appointment had taken much longer than I’d anticipated and so by the time I left the office it was now pitch black outside.
Panic quickly set in.
I haven’t driven at night in over six years.
I got into my car. Put on my glasses. Started the ignition and cautiously backed out of my parking space with both hands tightly gripping the steering wheel.
Thankfully I didn’t have far to drive but that didn’t seem to matter. It felt like an eternity. My heart was racing, body shaking, tears slightly falling and I couldn’t catch my breath. My anxiety attack I’d been trying to keep at bay for the last few hours had escalated into a full on panic attack.
Once I safely reached my driveway, I turned off my car and made a mad dash for the front door. As I walked inside, I threw down my coat and there I stood bawling my eyes out. I’d been holding it in for hours by now and it felt really good to finally be able to let go of the build up of emotions I’d been desperately holding inside.
Rich stood up off the couch and held me while I calmed down (and also told me I should’ve called him before I drove home in panic!). He then offered to make me a grilled cheese sandwich to eat as he could see that I was not in the mood for what was on the actual dinner menu. I needed comfort food and Rich knows just how much one of his delicious grilled cheese sandwiches brings me comfort, especially when it’s cut into fours.
I’ve found myself in a really dark place since the new year began and with the recent and very unexpected passing of Bob Saget this past weekend I have also found myself referring back to one of my favourite poems called “The Dash” (written by Linda Ellis) for meaning and purpose.
I’ve read and listened closely to the abundant amount of tributes from those who knew him well which have been steadily pouring in since the news broke of his death. Each and every anecdotal account of who he was, giving us outsiders a real sense of what an incredible human Bob truly was to both his inner circle and to the many others who were lucky enough to have been touched by his sweet, kind, compassionate soul.
He will also be forever eulogized and fondly remembered by millions of his adoring fans and loved ones as “America’s Favourite Dad” both on our television screens and in life, a successful stand up comedian and a very generous philanthropist.
“The Dash” represents a person’s life between the time of one’s birth until the time of their death. It’s the part of our lives that matter most.
Many people unfortunately forget as they walk through their dash that at the end of their life it’s not the superficial pursuit of material possessions like fancy cars and big houses or fame and fortune that will truly matter the most but instead our focus should be on our happiness, making time for loved ones, fulfilling our dreams, being kind and compassionate, taking risks, slowing down, inspiring the people around us and helping those in need.
Bob showed us that even though he may have been blessed with many material possessions, fame and good fortune in his life, he is not being remembered for any of that. He left behind a way more important imprint on the world and made every minute count to ensure that his dash left a way bigger impact than that.
As I mentioned above, this poem is one of my favourites and it has often been a great tool for me to reference when I need help to refocus during the times when it feels especially dark and lonely. I find that it also helps ground me in order for me to continue pursuing the most impactful, inspiring, meaningful and purposeful dash that I can.
***A special shoutout to another sweet, kind, generous and very funny soul on what would’ve been his 89th birthday today; My father in law. I am so very blessed to have been a part of your dash. “Go Leafs Go!”***
What is one thing you want your dash to be remembered by?
The other day a beautiful, thoughtful, kind, insightful soul dropped off a gift for me.
It was a magnificent book.
I was beyond grateful for this unexpected surprise and I am so blessed that I get to call this beautiful, thoughtful, kind, insightful soul my friend.
I just love Brené Brown’s wisdom and authentic teachings on vulnerability, shame, empathy and courage. She is one of my favourite authors and motivational speakers. I even wrote a blog about her a few years ago after watching her Netflix special called “The Call To Courage” (https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2019/06/02/the-call-to-courage-brene-brown/).
She has helped so many people like myself understand and aid in the transformation of becoming better humans through her own personal journey, her writings and her many, many years of extensive research.
I’ve been looking very forward to adding her latest book “Atlas of the Heart” to my own personal library. A book which “takes us on a journey through eighty-seven of the emotions and experiences that define what it means to be human” and maps out for us the way in which we can build more meaningful connections with ourselves and each other by giving us the power of “understanding, meaning and choice”.
I’m pretty sure I probably experience “87” different emotions every single day and as I turn the pages of my new book I hope it will help me to learn and better understand my most difficult emotions and experiences. I am pretty certain I will be referring back to many of the words on these pages time and time again as it helps connect me to my chosen “word” for 2022; DISCOVER (in case you missed my blog the other day, here it is again: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2022/01/07/my-word-for-2022/)
Thank you again to my beautiful, thoughtful, kind, insightful friend for the gift of connection. The only emotion I am experiencing at this very moment as I settle in to read my new book is gratitude and appreciation.
But by the looks of it on my Facebook and Instagram feeds many people, both young and old alike are barely hanging on right now here in Ontario (and in many other parts of Canada and the world too) as the reality of our new lockdown measures came into effect earlier this week. I’m just beyond grateful though that my Mother-in-law’s scheduled surgery went ahead according to plan a few days ago as we weren’t certain it would when part of the announcement made last week included hospitals having to cancel all elective and non-urgent surgeries during the lockdown period and even though she did not fall under either one of these categories it was still very much up in the air until go-time. Another added burden that so many families are dealing with right now.
With the news of all the latest lockdown measures and restrictions also came the devastation and added stress for many more when it was also announced that children and teachers would be returning to virtual learning.
As the week has progressed, every time I open my Social Media pages I am so overwhelmed with sadness seeing the overabundance of memes and Reels authentically showing genuine emotions of Healthcare workers, small business owners, teachers and many others including the look of frustration on so many parent’s faces as they try to navigate through their own personal obligations as well as those of their disheartened children’s lives too. A week into the New Year and it seems as though many individuals have already thrown in the towel for 2022. I totally get it.
There is only so much anyone can take.
Mental health is on a rapid decline and having the start of 2022 begin with so many added hardships for so many I get it, I get why so many of us have already given up on the year ahead or more importantly, ourselves.
2021 did not end well for me or my family and the start of 2022 hasn’t shown too much promise thus far but as I reflect back on the past year I realized that I’ve learned so much about myself and discovered many new things about me by allowing my past to come to the forefront of my mind and make room for forgiveness in my heart.
As I’ve mentioned several times, I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions as they have a 99.999 % chance of failure and seeing how 2022 has started off for many, I am certain I’m not alone. Right now we don’t need a bunch of empty promises to start off the new year but instead we need “a word”.
Just one word that we can focus on as we begin to navigate our way through yet another uncertain year ahead.
This “word” can help you set goals and intentions for all areas of your life.
Take your word with you wherever you go. Maybe create a vision board for your word, write it on your bathroom mirror or frame it and leave it on your desk or nightstand, make it the screensaver on your phone or stick it on your refrigerator door.
It took me the better part of the week to finally figure out what my word for 2022 should be. A word that spoke to me, a word that would help me take more risks, work on my relationships and open up more space for personal growth. I chose “Discover”.
I want to explore this word in every way possible. I want it to help me discover my purpose, discover my spark again and more than anything re-discover my true authentic self by continuing to let go of more pain from my past and leave more time and space in my heart for forgiveness and genuine connection to the world around me.
P.S. We could all benefit from being a bit more gentle and forgiving of ourselves right about now.
Yesterday’s announcement by the Ontario Government was shocking to many and an utterly gut-wrenching blow to most parents, caregivers, teachers and children alike.
None of us could have ever imagined that almost 22 months from the start of the Pandemic we’d be smacked in the face yet again with another lockdown or worse, having to navigate our children’s education through a computer screen (I may no longer have children in elementary or high school but I definitely can feel your pain).
Parents are overwhelmed and exhausted more than ever right now; caregivers, teachers and our precious children are too (even those, like mine in University and beyond).
These added Pandemic stressors throughout the last two years have created a devastating amount of disconnect, fear and anger in our lives and for many individuals, especially our young people, it’s led to severe mental health issues for the first time ever or has exasperated mental health concerns further in many who were already suffering before the Pandemic began.
First things first; you are not alone, ever.
And we need to ensure that our children know that they are not alone either or ever. Keep asking them open-ended questions, daily. Listen closer than ever before when they do talk. Keep a watchful eye on their non-verbal cues or new and unusual behaviours.
Reach out to your community or other parents who may be struggling too. There is help available.
The Children’s Mental Health Ontario organization (CMHO) may be a perfect place to start. They offer a wide range of services from in-person meetings to virtual support to crisis lines and will connect you or your child in the right direction toward helping you get further support with issues you may be facing.
They also provide virtual peer support groups for parents or caregivers through “Parents for Children’s Mental Health”. There are chapters available in most regions of Ontario and meet once a month (via Zoom). Having support and a listening ear from like-minded parents within your own community and being able to talk with other parents in a safe, non judgmental environment who may be struggling as well to find some answers or resources as to how to find both the necessary and timely help for their own child’s mental health can bring with it a great sense of comfort and ease.
Check out their website (CMHO.ORG) for more information on all their services or other Provinces.
YouAreEnough 
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