Category: Mental Health

This week the world is once again mourning another senseless tragedy. It seems to be becoming the new norm, which leaves us asking so many questions and paralyzing us with so many emotions. I am not alone with these feelings of shock, horror, anger, fear, helplessness, vulnerability, sadness and anxiety.

Living in Canada does not make us immune to these emotions or tragedies. We watch from the safety of our homes the heroic actions of survival and the unity of the world coming together to help the victims and their families and all the while knowing in the back of our minds that this could be the reality for you or your loved ones.

Trying to raise 3 teenagers in this uncertain world, both present and especially future has been a huge part of my chronic anxiety and depressive thoughts over the last few years. These feelings have crippled my rational thought process creating severe Cognitive Distortions. Although it is normal for everyone to experience Cognitive Distortions from time to time, when it becomes extreme it can become very harmful.

A Cognitive Distortion is simply defined as how one’s mind exaggerates our thought patterns to perceive reality inaccurately, continuously creating a negative outlook on everything. This is my reality I live with all day, every day, affecting the reality for my three teenagers trying to find their way in this world.

I do not want this to be our reality but for now it is. There are many different types of Cognitive Distortions and most of them have impacted my thought process detrimentally while trying to raise my kids, still trying to ensure that they grow up to be responsible, happy, empathetic and secure adults.

I often find myself “Disqualifying the Positive”, continuously using “Should” statements, “Emotional Reasoning” and having thoughts of “All or Nothing”, which just empowers the vicious cycle of negative thoughts over the positive ones.

Probably the most irrational thoughts or Cognitive Distortions I encounter regularly are called “Catastrophizing”, “Jumping to Conclusions, “Personalization” and “Over-generalization”, which meanings are exactly how they sound. I see only the worst possible outcomes to any given situation. I do not believe that my children would complain that they lack autonomy and freedom, however when they leave my home I feel an immediate sense of uncertainty and that something terrible is about to happen to them. This doesn’t just affect me, it greatly affects my children (and husband who is on the receiving end of it all).

The last thing I want to do is to burden my children any more than I already have with my issues or feelings of worthlessness, or constant feeling like I am a horrible role model, or a bad parent. I am unable to forgive myself for these irrational thoughts, and continue to try desperately not to damage their future selves which are being controlled through the perception of Cognitive Distortions. My feelings of guilt, agitation and anger are also being controlled daily by these emotions.

We continue to talk openly and honestly with our kids as they are old enough now and we want to ensure that they are advocates in helping to end the stigma attached to Mental Illness. We discuss with them many of my triggers and try to work together in a positive manner to help them understand what I need from them, but lets face it, they are teenagers and the reality is that teenagers themselves can be quite narcissistic and self-absorbed, all while dealing with their own raging hormones, by no fault of their own.

I just hope that they know how much I love them, that they can forgive me and know that I only want what’s best for them. I just hope that they feel secure in their own skin and can confide in me, even through my darkness. I just hope that they find fulfillment and purpose in every facet of their lives, and most of all I just hope that they will have a lifetime of good health and wellness.

Have you ever taken a good long, hard look in the mirror before, I mean literally taken a good, long hard look in the mirror and admired what was staring back at you? Yesterday during my therapy group I attend on a weekly basis, (a group that has probably taught me more in the last 6 months than any individual therapist has), asked us to tell one another something that they “love” about their body. Even though the group is filled with women only, and the least judgmental women you could ever meet, I immediately began to feel a panic attack come on. Tears started to well up in my eyes, my heart pounding out of my chest, my arms and legs shaking, and every negative thought imaginable entered my mind. As I tried to focus on what others were saying, I kept looking towards the door, trying to figure out how I was going to escape from the room, without making it too obvious. I could hear through the fog in my head, other women say how much they loved their eyes, their smiles, their bodies, and even their toes! My turn was approaching fast and I had such a numbness throughout my body that there was no way I was going to make it all the way across the room to the door without making a scene, and suddenly my name was called and a sea of eyes were upon me. Holding back my tears, taking a deep breath, and swallowing the lump in my throat, I said “there really isn’t any part of me I like right now!”

Our facilitator was having none of that and began telling me from her own observations what beauty she saw in me, but no matter how many times someone pays me a compliment, all I think about is how inadequate and worthless I feel. My internal voice which is better known as “self-talk” in the world of psychology has become extremely detrimental to my daily life, as I am constantly interpreting, perceiving and making assumptions about every conscious and subconscious situation I find myself in.

Negative “self-talk” is one of my most challenging aspects of living with depression and anxiety. I have been given many tools to learn how to deal with my unrealistic, self-defeating and very hopeless thoughts in my head, but my inner voice seems to really want to win the battle even when trying to challenge them with some more reasonable, non-judgmental ways of thinking.

They say practice makes perfect so I continue daily to debate with my inner voice. I have been taught to consciously make an attempt to simply say “STOP” when the negative “self-talk” enters my mind and try to evaluate my thoughts. Are these thoughts I’m having right at that moment realistic, or even true? What evidence do I have to support these negative thoughts? What do these thoughts really mean? Can I turn these thoughts around and make them positive? Is this situation as catastrophic as I believe it is?

When trying to battle the negative demons in my mind, I desperately ask myself as many questions as possible to try and take control of the already self-destructive situation. By doing so I am attempting to set small goals in the moment as well as it allows me to organize and sort through my thoughts in order to redirect my perception. As with every other challenge I endure, I am continuously trying to learn new skills, update and educate myself and maybe just maybe one day I will even conquer.