I’m having a much harder time finding ways to move on from my toxic workplace. More than I ever imagined. It’s left deep emotional wounds, and the lingering trauma is overwhelming me.
Healing from trauma is never linear and often messy.
Although some may think that I should “just move on,” it is much easier said than done.
My experiences and lingering trauma from a place where I spent so much of my time under constant stress and being mistreated has left my sense of self-worth and identity in the toilet.
Someone who has never gone through an experience such as I have often can’t understand that trauma doesn’t follow a timeline, and it is unfair to believe otherwise. There are those who have sat in my shoes before but are not comfortable dealing with unresolved pain, whether it’s their own or not. And that’s okay too.
Yes, I am beyond grateful to have found a better job where everyone is so welcoming, but it can’t erase the emotional damage or the way one’s nervous system still responds to past harm. One doesn’t cancel out the other.
Better doesn’t mean healed.
It’s not like there is a switch I can flip on and off overnight.
I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I just owe myself time.
I’m still trying to make sense of what happened. Being mistreated and chronically stressed out by my former employer for so long has deeply impacted my self-esteem and sense of trust.
I may not be able to release the pressure to “move on” yet, but I’m doing my best to move through it.
I am healing at my own pace, and that is enough for now.
My kids don’t have a perfect Mom, no matter how hard I try.
And I do try.
They just have me.
Their loudest cheerleader.
Their strongest advocate.
Their biggest ally.
Kids don’t need a perfect Mom, though.
They just need a real one.
Yet knowing this, I’m still left burdened by the guilt that I’ve let them down.
But they are thriving.
Resilient.
Decent humans.
Funny, too.
Who continually get back up after they fall.
Love isn’t about being perfect. It’s about showing up again and again.
And they do.
I do, too. Even on the hard days.
I guess it must be true. Kids don’t need a perfect Mom because despite all my flaws, I must have done something right.
It’s been a busy Mother’s Day so far, and it’s not done yet. It’s included a visit with my brother to see my mom this morning, an obligatory, once a year hike with the kids (missing Rachel who is away at the moment) and dinner with my mother in law. Thank you, Rich, for the beautiful flowers and to my kiddies for the awesome belt bag that will be the perfect edition to all our future #summerofrich hiking adventures. What will make today complete will be celebrating a “W” from the Leafs tonight!
“The stories we tell ourselves are powerful, so be careful what story you’re telling yourself” ~ Kristina Kuzmic
Happy Mother’s Day to all the perfectly imperfect Mamas’ 💗 and a special shout out to all the beautiful, loving, selfless, exhausted, courageous, badass, inspiring, hardworking, resilient, caring, kindhearted, humble, broken, capable, confident, bold, fabulous Mamas today and every day . You are amazing.
I did it! My first week at my new job is officially in the books and although there is still a lot of learning ahead, at least I now have a newfound appreciation and a renewed sense of optimism for what a healthy, respectful and supportive work culture feels like.
As part of any healing journey, it is important to acknowledge our past experiences in order to help one move forward. For me, choosing to leave a toxic situation over the prolonged mistreatment of its employees was not just a courageous decision but a very powerful one in its own right. I know, in time, and with lots of continued therapy, I will learn new ways to let go of my pain and trauma and hopefully regain my sense of self-worth.
For now, though, finding some closure has felt like a necessary first step toward reclaiming my peace as I begin to heal. Today, I started that process in the best way I knew how. Through writing.
Writing is a very therapeutic tool for me when it comes to my mental health and well-being so over the last few days as I began to reflect upon my time at my previous workplace, I started to pen a very emotional email to my ex-supervisor and her superior (the co-owner of this 40 year old organization, and the real puppetmaster behind all the toxicity). In it, I recounted many anecdotes and expressed my deep hurt. I sent them the email today with the hope that they would take my feedback seriously and consider the impact their leadership styles have on their team moving forward because whether or not they want to admit it, it matters more than they realize.
Writing it and not holding back felt incredibly cathartic. Whether they choose to respond to me or not, I really don’t care. I did this for me. It was about validating my experience and reclaiming my voice after being stuck in such a dark and vulnerable place that literally tried to silence me by making me feel like s*icide was my only way out.
I know it takes great strength to speak up, not just for yourself, but for others who’ve been hurt and silenced too. Turning my pain into advocacy and not just walking away is my way of trying to protect those I care deeply for who are still enduring it. If my email disrupts the pattern of abuse still taking place since I left, even just a little, it will have been worth it. My hope is that my truth is creating a space where others can feel seen and understood. I’ve planted the seed for change, and it feels damn empowering.
Feeling worthy, appreciated, and valued at my new job shouldn’t be the exception. It should be the norm. Something every workplace should provide their employees.
Sending this email today is helping me to open up space for healing my body and mind and bring with it a sense of balance and personal growth and development moving forward. It’s a beautiful feeling to have found a place where you’re seen for who you are and what you bring. That’s the kind of environment that doesn’t just help you heal. It allows you to thrive, too. It’s something we all deserve.
Oh man, was I ever exhausted last night after my first day at my new job yesterday. I hadn’t felt this deep an exhaustion sifting through my veins in a very long time. I could barely keep my eyes open from the moment I arrived home.
Stepping out of a toxic work space into a healthier, more positive environment was no easy feat. I’ve been in survival mode for far too long now, and my body and mind have been in complete chaos due to the toxicity, but then something happened yesterday after I arrived home from work. For the first time in forever, I was able to take in a breath of fresh air and release the emotional burden I’d been carrying.
I actually left work, at work for the first time in forever. It’s making a lot of sense to me now that my body and mind were responding with extreme fatigue because they’d been in such chaos for so long.
I never realized before yesterday just how draining the feeling of relief could be, but I’m giving myself the grace I know I deserve, to let go in order to rest my body and mind and start to try and rebuild. It’s all part of my healing process, a process I’ve definitely more than earned.
I’m off to start my first day of work at my new job.
New beginnings.
I’m beyond grateful and excited for this opportunity of a fresh start, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit how super anxious and scared I am feeling right now as well.
I know, I know, these feelings I’m having are absolutely normal.
I also know that I put a lot of undue pressure on myself in all aspects of my life.
Change can be scary.
I set unrealistic expectations upon myself, I have a fear of failure, I often doubt my self-worth, and I always worry about disappointing others.
This, in the world of psychology is better known as “Imposter Syndrome” and “will often show up when you’re stepping into growth”, not because you’re not qualified for the job, but because you simply care deeply and want to do well.
I know in my heart that my new employer chose to hire me for a reason. They saw something in me that stood out to them. I also understand that there will be a learning curve and that mistakes are to be expected.
Failure is all part of success. It’s how you learn and grow from it that truly matters.
Affirmations I will take with me today:
“I was chosen for this role for a reason. I don’t need to know everything right away. I bring value, I am capable, and I’m here to grow.” ~ unknown
“What if I fall?” Oh, but darling, what if you fly?”~ Winnie the Pooh
***Update: Thank you so much for the incredible messages of support I received today. They were beyond appreciated. Day 1 is now in the books. How did it go, you ask? Stepping out of a toxic work space into a healthier, more positive environment is no easy feat. I can’t tell you the last time I was able to take in a breath of fresh air after work. It felt truly empowering.
This year’s theme is “In Every Story, There’s Strength.”
Sharing our stories creates connections and enhances understanding~NAMI
When we share our personal perspectives, our thoughts and our journeys with others, as I do, we build a bridge of connection, create empathy and understanding, strengthen bonds and help break down barriers for others to feel less alone in their own struggles to hopefully give them the courage to ask for help.
Sharing my journey out loud and bringing awareness to a cause so dear to my heart has become my greatest passion and purpose in life. Especially for our youth.
Earlier today, with our continued efforts to support our young people, promote well-being, encourage open conversations about mental health, and with solidarity in mind, Rich and I participated once again in the annual Kids Help Phone “Walk So Kids Can Talk” 5km Walkathon.
Did you know that 1 in 2 of our youth struggle with their mental health alone, which is why Kids Help Phone has become more important than ever. They average more than 12,000 calls and texts per day across Canada and is a safe, trusted space to allow our youth to “feel out loud”; sometimes, for the first time.
A gentle reminder, “Your mess is your message.”~ Unknown
My coworkers showered me with beautiful flowers and a staff lunch.
I’m finally free!! Yay 🎉
I can finally close the book on what has undeniably been one of the most challenging situations I have ever had to navigate through in my life.
A situation that has haunted me for the better part of two and a half years.
Now, though, as I begin my healing process, I get to focus on new beginnings and a fresh start.
I’m choosing me.
But then why am I feeling so incredibly sad today? To be honest, I’ve felt like this for the past few days.
Why am I grieving the loss of a job that I chose to leave because of unrelenting toxicity, manipulation, gaslighting, shifting blame, feeling inadequate and insecure, all caused by leadership?
I know in my heart I did the right thing by leaving such a hostile work environment. An environment that has left me feeling depleted, trapped, more anxious, more depressed and yes, s*icidal.
I know in my heart that this was a very courageous and brave first step toward reclaiming my mental and physical health, but it shouldn’t have had to end this way.
I’m feeling completely blindsided right now by the grief I’m experiencing. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.
The grief of leaving behind a job I truly loved. A job I excelled at, and coworkers who I adored.
Unpacking my grief feels complicated. I have more questions than answers at the moment. I feel weak for giving up.
I’m trying to be more gentle on myself. I need to keep reminding myself that leaving was not a matter of choice, it was a matter of survival.
The weekend ahead, I will prioritize my self-care, rest, and doing what I love most, being in nature and focusing on my mental health and advocacy at the Kids Help Phone Walkathon on Sunday.
My new job starts Monday, and I will be ready.
Shabbat Shalom, everyone. Take care of you this weekend.
First, I want to take this opportunity to say a big, heartfelt thank you to everyone who has reached out to me both privately and online over the past few days since sharing my blog with you about my decision to finally leave my immensely toxic workplace in the best interest of my health, well-being and overall survival.
I am overwhelmed with emotion by the outpouring of kindness and support I have received and for reminding me that I am worthy of a well-deserved fresh start at my upcoming new job.
Last week, after letting my supervisor know that I was resigning, and after I felt the weight lifted off my shoulders from that, I wanted to personally reach out to all the lovely ladies I work with remotely to tell them I was leaving as well so I sent them a very warm-hearted email. There are more than 100 lovely ladies in total.
I talk to so many of these lovely ladies on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis and have built strong bonds with lots of them. They were in no way the reason for my decision to leave. They have shown me nothing but kindness and gratitude every time I speak with them. They, along with my coworkers are who have kept me going for this long.
Within minutes of me hitting the send button on my note to them, my phone was ringing and my inbox was inundated with beautiful messages of appreciation and gratitude, which I wanted to share some of with you today.
I felt valued. I felt worthy. I felt appreciated. I felt respected. I felt seen. I felt important. All the feelings I’ve yearned for by leadership.
Feeling valued transcends into all aspects of our life. There is no better feeling in the world than knowing that your efforts are appreciated or making an impact on others. Feeling valued deepens a real sense of meaning in your life.
For so long now, I’ve felt undervalued, unheard, and unappreciated by my supervisor, and I even told her this on a number of occasions. Many of the traumatizing experiences I’ve endured over the last 2 plus years have all but crushed the little confidence I had left in me. When you have been mistreated for so long, sometimes all you need is some much-needed reassurance that you are valued. It can go a long way, which is why I will definitely be taking all these beautiful sentiments with me as I begin my new and exciting next chapter.
How do you spell R-E-L-I-E-F?? (Read to the end to find the answer)
This blog has taken me many days to write and rewrite. This past week has been met with a roller-coaster of emotions.
I share so much of my life with you, always speaking my truths, with the rawest of emotion and as openly and honestly as I can, but there has been a HUGE part of my life for close to 2.5 years now, that I have not shared outside of my circle. And it’s a lot. The timing feels right, though. So here goes.
In December of 2022, I went back to work full-time after a nearly 9 year hiatus due to my mental health struggles. Full disclosure here; I did so in the attempt to help lift some of the financial burden off my family at that time, and I really hoped it would also create a positive shift in my life, but instead it has ended up doing quite the opposite for me (and I’m not talking about the financial burden piece).
From almost day one, my job has added an immense amount of strain to my mental, physical, and emotional well-being. My personal life, too. I returned to this organization, which I worked for some 15 years earlier, thinking it would be an easy transition back into the workforce for me, but it hasn’t. Instead, from almost day one, I have faced a very toxic and emotionally draining environment stemming from poor leadership in upper management.
From almost day one, I’ve dealt with gaslighting, shifting blame, feeling inadequate and insecure, micromanagement, constantly questioning my self-worth, emotional manipulation, ignored when addressing serious concerns even though they were also being addressed by multiple employees and outsiders, and a culture where hard work is punished rather than appreciated. Speaking up only leads to retaliation, not resolution. I’ve watched some of my amazing, hardworking coworkers, one in particular, who literally works 24/7, doing the job of at least 6 people, be berated daily, and made to feel like she is not good enough. News flash, she is good enough and I tell her that every day. She is the hardest working person I’ve ever known and deserves none of it. Hiring additional support staff is always out of the question. We’re all just supposed to be machines instead.
I have been forced to sign new contracts from my original agreement when I took the job and have had my bonus and incentive plans taken away or changed without notice to suit their own agenda or pocketbook. I have also raised serious and uncomfortable concerns, including last fall when I discovered a coworker posting antisemitic rhetoric on her social media pages —only to be dismissed and made to feel as though I had done something wrong. As a Jew, it broke me.
From almost day one, I have felt more burnt out, more anxious, and more depressed. I’ve laid awake night after night, questioning my worth and whether or not s*icide would be my only way out. I kept spiraling, convincing myself that keeping the peace was more important than protecting myself, even after consulting with lawyers on multiple occasions who told me otherwise, but I’ve felt too trapped to pursue any of my options because I needed my job.
Work has become pretty much the only thing I talk about. It consumes me during every waking moment, evenings, and weekends included. Just ask Rich, my kids, my friends, and my therapist if you don’t believe me!
The saddest part of all of this is that I truly love my actual job, I work my ass off, and I’m damn good at it, too. So much about my job brings me joy and fulfillment. I am appreciated for my efforts by everyone I encounter, everyone that is, except for leadership. I adore the ladies I work with, both in my office and remotely. I’ve forged many meaningful, lifelong friendships, and it hurts that the good parts are now wrapped in this heaviness I didn’t ask for. There is a real bond and connection that forms between two people who share the same experiences and trauma. It can provide someone with a sense of belonging, empathy, understanding, and validation. Our daily doses of “WTF” texts, toxic boss and workplace memes, and nightly phone calls have been a source of laughter and survival for me and has helped me get through a lot of the darkness.
It’s no secret that I take on other people’s emotions and feel a deep fear of letting others down. I’m a chronic people pleaser and have struggled with “good girl syndrome” for as long as I can remember. Because of that, I have let the abuse continue—enduring the threats, passive-aggressive emails, and the confrontations whenever I try to push back while swallowing my discomfort and pride in order to not disappoint. It’s become second nature to me, and this damaging mindset has kept me stuck. It’s kept me quiet when I should’ve spoken up louder. It’s made me second-guess myself when I knew I was being mistreated. I’ve convinced myself I deserved it.
I’m not sharing this for sympathy, but to say that if you are also struggling in a toxic workplace, you’re not alone. You are not weak for being affected by it. And it’s okay to walk away to protect your peace and sanity, which is exactly what I am finally doing as I recently accepted a new job.
When I heard the words from my new boss, “I would like to offer you the job,” I was overcome with tears. In that very moment, I knew I was finally free. I knew that I no longer had to tolerate being devalued, unheard, and unappreciated or settle for less than I deserved. Looking my boss straight in the eye and saying to her that “in the best interest of my mental health I am giving you my notice today as I need to put myself first and “this place” no longer aligns with my ability to do so” felt scary, gratifying and triumphant all rolled into one. She reacted like any good toxic boss would, saying she was very surprised at my resignation but admitted that my feelings were valid! (There has been a huge turnover of staff recently)
I can’t wait to start this next chapter soon, where self-care is encouraged and not looked upon as a weakness. For the first time in a long time, it feels like a fresh start. I won’t have to abandon myself any longer, just to survive.
I know there’s going to be a lot of healing ahead for me from all the trauma I’ve experienced. I know that. But for right now as I begin to unravel the weight of everything I’ve carried for so long, finally saying it out loud is the first step toward reclaiming my voice, my peace, and maybe, just maybe, my joy.
I finally see my worth. I finally understand that I deserve better. We all do.
I started off this article with the question,
How do you spell R-E-L-I-E-F??
The answer is quite simple –
QUIT-YOUR-TOXIC-JOB!!!!
“Sometimes the hardest part of your journey will be believing you are worthy of better.”~unknown
**To all my friends, my loved ones and my most empathetic, understanding and supportive therapist who have allowed me the space to talk about the same situation over and over and OVER again, I just want to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!! Your phone calls and text messages to me over the past week telling me how proud you are of me and how genuinely happy you are for me have meant the world to me.
YouAreEnough 
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