Category: Mental Health

Maybe I Don’t Want To Get Better

No matter what’s going on in my life I have a very difficult time deriving any joy or pleasure from day to day activities or life events. I mean I do experience happiness in my life but then in the blink of an eye I can manage to twist every ounce of it into despair or displeasure. Just this past week alone there have been many moments of happiness including a long awaited job offer for Rich but I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop because that’s what depression and anxiety do to your mind.

My illness tells me that I don’t deserve to feel any joy or pleasure and maybe it’s right because lately it’s convinced me that maybe I don’t want to get better.
Maybe it’s just easier to surrender to this disease or to live with chronic depression and debilitating anxiety than to try and fight it. It’s kinda become the norm, maybe even somewhat comforting like an old worn out pair of slippers. Maybe if I can accept the fact that I will never get better then there will be less pressure on me as it feels as if it’s what is expected of me nowadays anyways. Maybe I’ve been lying to myself all along that recovery is what I really want.
Trying to pacify my pain and sadness seems near impossible when I’ve been trying for so long and nothing I do seems to be the right answer (including my new medication, see blog “Should I Or Shouldn’t I?” https://youareenough712.wordpress.com; Oct 30, 2019) which in turn just causes me more pain and more sadness.
Change can be terrifying after all and the truth is that depression and anxiety have become a big part of who I am now and everyone knows that human beings are creatures of habit.
So what if I do conquer this dreadful disease one day, then what am I going to be left with? Who will I become? Where will I belong? Will I have lost my purpose? How will I fit in? The fear of the unknown can sometimes be scarier than the known. Fear feels safe right now and protects me from further failure and hopelessness. But fear also takes away my power and motivation to allow me to find out just how worthy I really am.
#itsoktonotbeok #depression #anxiety
#suicideprevention #whoami #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #checkonyourlovedones #mentalillness #selfcare #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #youarenotalone #fears

Kindness Challenge

It’s December 1st today and for many of us the month ahead will feel festive, fun and filled with lots of celebration and joy with family and friends but for many other people, the month of December can feel chaotic, challenging, hopeless and very lonely. So let’s spread as much kindness as humanly possible during the month ahead and remember what the month of December is truly about; human connection and bringing good-will and simple joy to others and of course to ourselves as well! So who’s up for the challenge?

#bekind #spreadtheword #humanconnection #goodwill #joytotheworld #kindness #kindnessmatters #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #checkonyourlovedones #youarenotalone #kindnesschallenge

It’s Not All Black And White

*May be Triggering*

The colours (shades, tones? Whatever you want to call them) black and white are as opposite as day and night. They are recognizably different from one another and clearly distinct from each other too. But not everything is always so black and white in this world and I can tell you that when it comes to suicide, things are never just black or white, more often than not, they are actually pretty darn gray.

The gray area of suicide isn’t just about wanting to end your life and being at peace with it, but it’s also about fighting to stay alive. I have been in that gray area more times than I care to admit to over the last many years and over the past couple of weeks it’s been no acception. I am finding myself totally obsessed with the colour gray.

I decided to look up the meaning of the colour gray; here is some of what I found: “The colour gray is impartial, detached, unemotional and indecisive – the fence sitter. Too much of the colour gray creates sadness and depression and a tendency to loneliness and isolation. The closer gray gets to black, the more dramatic and mysterious it becomes. The closer it gets to silver or white, the more illuminating and lively it becomes.” (empower-yourself-with-color-psychology.com/color-gray)

It has become increasingly more difficult each day trying to figure out which side of the gray fence I want to sit on and at the same time, the irony is not lost on me that most of my clothing is either black or gray. But the real kicker was that today I actually realized for the first time that my illness doesn’t want me to feel closer to silver or white, it doesn’t want me to become more illuminated or lively, it doesn’t want me to feel joy or happiness even when I am presented with it, and maybe it’s right.

1-833-456-4566 Suicide Prevention Canada

#endthestigmatogether #youareenough #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #itsoktonotbeok #suicide #youarenotalone #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #speakyourtruth #courage

Book Talk

Yesterday morning I spent some time with an amazing group of moms, grandmothers, early childhood educators and about 20 adorable little tots (ranging in age between 2 and 5 years old) at a family drop in center that a friend of mine runs. I could not believe how well the children all sat so intently listening to me read my book and even while I spoke directly to the group of adults about my journey, my inspiration for writing the book and the importance for young and impressionable minds to start learning how to destigmatize mental illness; afterall “I believe that children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way” (too corny?). When I finished reading my book I felt so accepted by this group of strangers who embraced my journey, engaged in important conversations, asked lots of questions and shared their own personal struggles. So it’s probably safe to say that those 20 or so tots are well on their way to helping to end the stigma by having such incredible role models in their corner! #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youareenough #youarenotalone #endthestigmatogether #itsoktonotbeok #depression #anxiety #masksoff #children #childrensbook #ypce #aokprogram #yorkregion #familytime #playtime #wheredidmommyssmilego #amazonca

The Yellow Brick Road

The “Wizard Of Oz” may just be an 80 year old timeless classic to many, but when you look beyond the “Black and White” you will find there are so many valuable and “Colorful” lessons on the screen. First and foremost it’s a movie about a journey of self-discovery and how we may need to follow the “Yellow Brick Road” in order to find ourselves. We may also need to weather some “Storms” along the Yellow Brick Road which can feel very scary and often filled with uncertainty but if we allow ourselves to ask for help along the way from the people who are willing to walk “Arm in Arm” with us down the Yellow Brick Road to the “Rainbow” within ourselves, it can feel a whole lot less scary. The movie also shows us as well that we have to keep trying to bury the “Wicked Witch of the West” who wants nothing more than to do everything in her power to make us believe that we are not worthy of fighting to find that power within us. And lastly, if we have a comfortable pair of “Ruby Slippers” to wear while “Skipping” down the Yellow Brick Road it could definitely help ease the pain while putting out the “Fire”.
I wonder where I can get myself a pair of those ruby slippers in a size 8? Maybe a tiara and magic wand too!
#selfcare #selflove #selfdiscovery #itsoktonotbeok #ichooseme #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youarenotalone #bekindtoyourself #startaconversation #findingmypower #dontsufferinsilence #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #checkonyourlovedones
#wizardofoz #rubyslippers #yellowbrickroad
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

At Least It’s Not All In My Head

I’ve mentioned before that many studies show that there is a correlation between the level of inflammation in our body and Depression and that the higher the markers of inflammation are, the more likelihood that your body may reject antidepressants and lead to a diagnosis of “Treatment Resistant Depression”.
Throughout the last 5.5 years my doctor has had to keep an eye on my inflammation markers because they have often been at higher than normal levels and may just be what ultimately led to my diagnosis of “Treatment Resistant Depression”.
For those who missed my blog yesterday “The Physical Side Of Depression” (Nov. 21, 2019: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com), I mentioned how I have been experiencing a terrible amount of muscle/joint pain throughout my entire body over the last 5 or 6 weeks and a feeling of exhaustion much different than my regular feeling of exhaustion from lack of sleep which led my doctor to send me for a full body scan the other day. I received the results of that test yesterday afternoon and the good news for me was that the pain I’m feeling may actually not just be all in my head like my depression and anxiety want me to believe, but the bad news is I now need to have further tests done because the scan found high levels of that said inflammation in my wrists, my arms, my spine/lower back, my hips and my legs.
I’m feeling very overwhelmed right now thinking that “The Physical Side of Depression” may have led me to this point in my journey and that somehow I caused this to happen. I’m feeling exhausted just thinking about the possibility of learning to live with yet another so called “invisible illness” like Arthritis as that is what they are now looking further into. I’m feeling hopeless because what if my body rejects more medications and more treatments on top of all the ones it already has? To sum it all up, plain and simply I’m feeling defeated.
#itsoktonotbeok #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #chronicillness #youareenough #inflammation #invisibleillness
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

The Physical Side Of Depression

I spent several hours yesterday having a bone imaging test done. Over the past 5 or 6 weeks I’ve been experiencing a terrible amount of muscle/joint pain throughout my entire body and it has been getting increasingly worse to the point where I decided (or was encouraged) last week to finally make an appointment to see my GP; something that I avoid doing at all costs as I find it very difficult to even just pick up the phone to make the call. Sadly, my depression and anxiety are constantly chattering back and forth in my head telling me that I am bothering her and making me feel guilty for bothering her which in all honesty I know is the furthest thing from the truth and that my doctor has been nothing but one of my greatest support systems since day one but it just gets too damn exhausting trying to argue with a warped sense of yourself all the time.

When you picture a person struggling with depression many individual’s first thoughts that may come to mind are that of someone who is sad, someone who isolates themselves or someone who sleeps a lot or not at all. What many individuals may not realize is how much depression also affects someone physically.

Throughout my journey I have been affected by my fair share of physical challenges, many of which have caused a limited ability to do everyday tasks and have also included countless visits to doctors and specialists, much of which were due to many of the medications I was taking and although I have recently started a new medication (see blog: Should I Or Shouldn’t I; Oct 30, 2019) these symptoms began several weeks earlier. However I have now been on my new medication for just over 2 weeks and the physical side effects have sometimes made it difficult to know what may be from the meds or not as the pain has become so unbearable some days and my new psychiatrist has decided to wait a few more weeks to increase my dose.

My depression and anxiety have become quite heightened over the last 6 weeks which I have mentioned, along with many (or most) of my senses have also become super heightened too (especially sounds and smells) and lets not forget to add in a spoonful of sudden hormonal changes as well and now the task at hand is to figure out if there is any correlation between them all.

Physical symptoms are very common in major depression and major depression can most definitely cause physical distress and long term physiological distress as well but for now my doctor is taking all the necessary precautions in order to rule out other causes of my pain first, something that any great support system would do!

Who are your greatest support systems?

#depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youareenough #youarenotalone #endthestigmatogether

Being An Advocate Through Lived Experience

It’s no secret that I am extremely passionate about Mental Health and over the last few years I have become more and more vocal about it, however, I often feel like I’m a fraud, a fake or even an imposter. I mean how can I begin to make changes to the way in which mental illness is looked upon by so many if I don’t have a degree in Psychology (I do have one in Sociology though!) or how can I make others understand that mental illness does not discriminate against anyone if I don’t have a degree in Psychiatry, or how can I make someone feel safe enough to take off their mask and start a life changing conversation if I don’t have some other kind of degree in healthcare? Well I guess the simple answer is; I have something way more valuable to offer because I have lived experience.

I may not have figured out yet how to help myself, and I certainly don’t claim to have all the answers but being able to openly and honestly share my story knowing that someone out there feels less alone or that someone out there shows more compassion toward a loved one who is suffering with a mental illness or that someone out there no longer judges another person because of their mental illness then I am happy to be that poster child who can help advocate for change and help end the stigma surrounding mental illness.

Being able to connect with so many people (both young and old) during what has been the most challenging part of my life can be quite liberating and cathartic for me but often times after I share a blog or post something on Social Media is when I feel most like a fraud, a fake and an imposter. I mean how can I spread hope to others when I myself feel so hopeless or how can I tell someone their life is worth living when I don’t feel like mine is?

But when I am able to calm the anxiety and negative self-talk down a level or two and realize that I don’t need to be “better” or “cured” or “recovered” to help someone else feel less alone or to support them or their loved ones along their journey or to feel empathy and compassion toward others who feel just as hopeless or worthless as me because we share that mutual understanding and bond that goes beyond what any textbook can give us.

Our lived experiences may all be unique to each one of us but having the strength to share our stories together can make the greatest impact of all!

World Kindness Day

It’s #WorldKindnessDay. Take a moment today and reflect upon the simple acts of kindness that you have experienced in your lifetime. How did it change your day, what did it mean to you or how has it shaped your life? We can all spread kindness and compassion. Celebrate today by spreading that kindness and compassion onto someone else, and don’t forget to leave some for yourself too because a simple act of kindness can go a very long way! What does kindness mean to you? #kindness #kindnessmatters #bekind #selflove #payitforward

“The Spoon Theory” How Many Spoons Do You Use In A Day?

I recently read an article describing what it feels like to be sick with a chronic illness and whether or not it’s a mental or physical disability (or both), most days we need an army of spoons just to get through. The “Spoon Theory” is simply a metaphor which was created by a woman by the name of Christine Miserandino who suffers from Lupus and one night while enjoying a dinner out with a friend she was caught off guard when her friend asked her what it truly felt like to be sick.

It is so difficult to really grasp a true understanding of what a person battling any mental or physical illness feels and as much as I try to help others understand, it’s really hard to lay out every detail and emotion of every single day. But using a handful of spoons (or any other cold metal object) could actually do the trick! You see, a healthy mind and body start off each morning with endless possibilities, they don’t need to think about how their actions or routines are going to affect their day like that of someone with a mental and/or physical disability would. This is where the spoons come into play!

As a healthy person holds the bouquet of spoons in their hand they never quite give a second thought as to how many spoons they will need in order to get through their day but when you are battling a physical and/or mental illness those spoons become your lifeline. When Christine handed her friend the arrangement of spoons and told her to count them one by one and to be conscious of how many she was holding in her hand, but more importantly to be very careful not to drop any of them as they are sacred to a person who is sick. Her friend did as she was told and counted them one by one but was disappointed to discover that she only had twelve all together and proceeded to ask for more. Christine laughed at her and explained that she wished she could find a way to have more than twelve spoons to hold on to most days.

These spoons are by no means a crutch, an excuse or a way to obtain sympathy but more so they are a means to an end. Each and every day I (and countless others) wake up and are immediately faced with challenges as well as many sacrifices and I can probably speak for those of us who face physical and/or mental struggles daily that we would give anything to not have to be faced with these internal/external struggles in order to keep going.

Now I’m gonna ask you to take a moment and think about your day to day routines, chores and leisure activities you do and as Christine told her friend, don’t leave anything out even if you think or it may seem so simple or mundane because they are not so simple and mundane for me. Just by opening my eyes each morning I have already lost my first spoon of the day because I can’t just jump out of bed to start my day. For starters, I have barely slept, I don’t want to get out of bed and then the anxiety, exhaustion and guilt begin to unravel the rest of my day and slowly take away a spoon at a time.

The energy it takes to physically get out of bed, to shower, to prepare a meal, to get dressed, to get to work or to go to school for many people struggling with a mental/physical disability can be so challenging that they have already lost six spoons before even leaving the house in the morning. And then there are the days where it’s still early in the evening and you only have one spoon left and have to make choices and sacrifices in order to make it right up until bedtime. Sometimes you may need to borrow a spoon or two from tomorrow just to get through today but then you run the risk of feeling even more depleted tomorrow.

I hate feeling like I always have to make choices and sacrifices that can often affect other people around me but when I’m faced with losing that very last spoon I have to in order to keep a reserve of spoons for days ahead and it’s especially important to have that reserve in order to do the things I can with the people I want holding my “spoons” the most.

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.