Category: Mental Health

What Does Your Best-Self Look Like?

Several months ago I mentioned a newly released bestseller called “Best Self; Be You Only Better” by Life Coach Mike Bayer who works closely with Dr. PHIL so of course I’m obsessed! It’s such an insightful book and I have found myself looking toward it for guidance in recent days as I am trying to fight off my Anti-Self more than ever before in order to become the most authentic and best version of me.
My Anti-Self which Mike talks at great length about in his book is the part of you that can easily become triggered. He tells you to own up to your Anti-Self by naming it which I have and can be summed up in one word: Depression. It’s the enemy that continuously lies to me and puts negative thoughts into my mind. It speaks to me during most of my waking hours and especially when I’m trying to sleep at night. Its unrelenting voice causes self-sabotaging behaviour, denial, hopelessness and worthlessness. It holds me back from being able to feel happy or at peace.
But I need to find my Best-Self in order to kick my Anti-Self in the butt. I need to find out who I really am, who I really want to be which is loving, fearless, joyful, strong and brave; someone who is at their core mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I need to figure out who I am meant to be as I turn the page to a new chapter right now and do so with great purpose.
Can you describe your best self. Can you describe the person that you deserve to be? What would he/she look like. Does your Best-Self have any Superpowers? I’d love to hear from you!
#drphil #mikebayer #antiself #bestself #beyouonlybetter #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #suicide #selfcare #selflove #ichooseme #youarenotalone #endthestigmatogether #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #brave #courage #wheredidmommyssmilego
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?

Moms Mental Health Initiative is a dedicated non profit organization which help moms (and dads) navigate through one of the most vulnerable stages of life. Postpartum depression is a very real and very serious illness and can affect as many as 1 in every 7 women following the birth of their child often stemming from a combination of hormonal changes, psychological adjustment to motherhood and fatigue. Moms Mental Health Initiative has so kindly shared my book with their community as a helpful tool or resource for families affected by postpartum depression. They offer a lot of helpful information, connect moms with many great resources and provide wonderful peer-driven support. You can reach them at: http://www.momsmentalhealthmke.org or follow them on their Facebook page if you or someone you love is in need of help.

Simply Put, I’m Emotionally Overwhelmed

I’ve always tried to be as open and honest as I can with you by sharing my most intimate thoughts and feelings but as much as I do share, there is still so much that I don’t.
Most of what I tend to keep private involves my inner circle, including my husband, my kids and my extended family. It’s just not my place to share their stories even if they may often impact my own health and wellness, that is of course until I sign a big book deal one day for a New York Times Bestseller or maybe even a movie deal for a blockbuster hit and then, well, you know, all bets are off!
When this week began I probably would have told you that it was one of the top ten best weeks of my life, after all, I now had a published children’s book on Amazon! But literally within hours of it becoming a top ten contender, it quickly became one of the most difficult weeks ever and I feel like I’m gonna explode if I don’t let it all out.
I can’t handle life’s “little” ups and downs or bumps in the road at the best of times and lately I have been taking on way more than I can chew and have been dealing with way more than I can handle (both good and bad) and plain and simply, I’m emotionally overwhelmed.
Being emotionally overwhelmed is much more than just your average feeling of stress, it can be paralyzing and right now I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like a tidal wave has swept me under the water and I have no life vest on to save me. I’m experiencing so many negative emotions all at once like anger, fear, guilt and of course good ole fashion anxiety and panic and those can all be pretty scary feelings!
Life happens, shit happens and the older we get the more “life and shit” tend to happen and when it’s out of our control you can easily reach a point of total despair.
I think I’ve reached that point this week for sure. I wish I could turn back time to a few days ago when this week first began and I thought it was gonna be one of the best one’s yet, that was of course until my husband was suddenly and without warning let go from his job on Tuesday and before my mom was admitted into the hospital last night only for the doctors to tell my brother and I (and spouses) that she can no longer live on her own and will not be released until they find her a long term care facility that can accommodate her rapidly worsening symptoms of dementia (she’s 73).
They say bad things always happen in three’s and whether or not it’s just a superstition, until the clock strikes midnight tonight and a new week officially begins, I can be found standing in front of my bathroom mirror reading all the positive affirmations I wrote all over it the other day! (See blog I posted yesterday; Mirror Mirror On The Wall)

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL

It’s no secret that I need a good kick in the pants each morning when I look in the mirror (and several more times throughout the day) because what I see is most often a distortion of reality. What I see when I look in the mirror is worthlessness, failure and helplessness.

I know what you’re probably thinking, I can see your heads shaking in confusion; asking yourself; how could she see those things in the mirror after what she just accomplished? How could she think those things after she just fulfilled her dream of publishing a children’s book? How could she possibly feel this way? Well, simply put, it’s called Depression.

A great way to describe depression is not as a feeling of sadness which many believe to be true, but more as the inability to feel joy and then mix that with a heapful of anxiety and I am left too overwhelmed to live in the moment for long.

This week there may have been a moment of joy but it was abruptly and due to very unexpected circumstances turned into deep sadness and now both my husband and I are left in need of a good kick in the pants more than ever when looking in the mirror so I decided it was the perfect time to try an experiment that I had learned in therapy.

Last night before getting into bed I wrote all over our bathroom mirror (with a dry erase marker!). Surprise Rich! And as you can see from the picture attached, I wrote lots of positive affirmations; leaving very little room for any negative self-talk to reflect through and more room to create peace of mind and joy.

I’ve never really been much into science experiments before but it’s been proven to be an effective way to improve your self-critical way of thinking. These affirmations are messages to your subconscious which perpetuate your way of thinking and believing by reading them aloud repeatedly. I guess I will take it one mirror at a time!

What are some other positive affirmations you see in your reflection when looking in the mirror?

I’m An Author

It’s really happening! My book is now available on Amazon.ca.(Canada only). If outside of Canada please email me at kimfluxgold@gmail.com

Thank you for all your endless love and support. #dreamsdocometrue #goals #visions #reachforthestars #endthestigmatogether #youareenough #children #family #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #selfcare #ichooseme #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #youmatter #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok

A Strong Message About Youth Mental Health

First, I just wanted to start by saying a heartfelt thank you for all of the incredible outpouring of support I have received over the last day or so from everyone in regards to my new book. I am speechless! Yesterday my husband and I spent most of the day at a Youth Mental Health Fair which I mentioned to you earlier in the week where I got to promote my book and do some networking as well. It’s one of the most satisfying feelings in the world to give back and help support a good cause, especially one that is very near and dear to your heart.

As most of you are well aware, issues surrounding youth mental health today has been on a scary and steady rise over the last many years and sadly our mental health care support system has been on a very steady decline. I met so many amazing people yesterday, many of whom their lives have been deeply impacted by this steady decline and many of which have seen first hand that the stigma surrounding mental illness has not come as far as I had once hoped.

I listened to one heartbreaking story after another from relatives and friends and parents all of whom had lost someone they loved to suicide in their youth. One such story came from a young girl who lost 2 classmates to suicide and that the school administration told the students that they were not allowed to talk about the tragedies at school as it could have a triggering or copy cat effect on others. I was not necessarily shocked (okay I’m lying, I was jaw droppingly shocked), but I was also deeply saddened that instead of helping these students and their families cope and heal from these sudden losses they should just sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened.

I heard several other very similar stories, one in particular from a girl who wrote a beautiful poem for a school assignment after losing her cousin to suicide, earning her an A+, but upon wanting to share it with her peers at a school assembly she was shut down. And there was one story in particular that is etched in my mind. I met the parents of a boy who after years of suffering and feeling very let down by the healthcare system took his own life 5 years ago at the age of 17. His parents at one time during his journey were told by a psychiatrist that he was unable to help their son because he wasn’t “sick enough yet” and to bring him back when he got sicker. There truly are no words. Smh

I will remember yesterday, not by the books I sold but by the human connections I made, by the support I felt radiating in a room filled with strangers and by knowing that there are so many kindhearted people out there advocating for the change we so desperately need.

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

Mrs. Doubtfire’s Mask

This week marks the fifth Anniversary of Robin Williams’ suicide. For me and for so many others, that day is still very raw and is wholly etched in my memory forever. I have written several times about the impact his death had on me and the impact it had on our society as well. In these articles I have emphasized the importance of our words and the language that we use pertaining to suicide which can also make an impact on how we as a society help end the stigma surrounding Mental Illness. Moreover, in these same articles I have discussed how so many people battling a Mental Illness still need to wear their “mask” for protection too.

As you know, I chronicle my own personal journey quite openly and honestly and I rely mostly on Social Media to do so. Robin Williams’ did not necessarily choose to do so and that was his choice and so upon hearing the news of his sudden death by suicide without knowing through any media outlets in general that he had been battling with depression it made it seem that much more difficult for many to understand. I mean, he always “looked” so “happy”, he had a thriving career making the world laugh, he had lots of money, fame, a loving family and great success; he had it all so why would he end his life many still wonder.

What we saw was what was hidden behind Robin’s “mask” as with so many other celebrities who have taken their lives before him and following his death on August 11, 2014 did all too well too. A day where I myself had been alone, no one knowing my whereabouts and contemplating ending my own life as the news of his death broke. But like Robin and Kate and Anthony and so many others, celebrity or not, I have learned to master my mask without always realizing it.

As I mentioned above, I use Social Media to chronicle my journey and Facebook in particular has become a very important tool in doing so. I will admit that I love Facebook (yes I love Facebook) even though I don’t actually spend a lot of time each day on it scrolling through my feeds because I can be easily triggered. But it’s a safe place for me to write and express myself without having to be face to face with others. It has helped me build up a substantial network for many things including my blog, it allows me to keep up with daily news & entertainment and it connects me to old friends and so many of the new friends it’s allowed me to make.

So what’s my point you’re probably wondering? I get the impression some days that I am confusing many people and I don’t want to wear my “mask” anymore because it is suffocating me. People read or see many of my posts on Facebook (and Instagram too) and think “oh look how great, Kim is going out, she must be feeling better!!” The truth is I go out all the time and for the past five years since I began battling with depression and anxiety I have gotten up everyday and showered everyday as well (sometimes twice). I do what I can most days, when I can and with who I can and even if I am quite limited as to what daily activities I can and can’t do and with whom I can and can’t do them with I am doing them at my own pace and within my own boundaries.

I want to be able to show the world the many faces of Depression and Anxiety and that includes all the good stuff I do along with the hard stuff too. I want everyone to see that there are many sides of Depression and Anxiety but I want to also be able to do it without being judged and I most definitely want to do it without my mask on because no matter what I am doing, more often than not, I am still doing it while experiencing severe anxiety (and sometimes panic), chronic depression and on many days with suicidal ideations as well.

Creative Writing 101

Back in high school I took a creative writing course and at the time I just figured it would be an easy credit for me. As a final assignment I had to write and illustrate a children’s book and we even got to bind the book together ourselves with cardboard, construction paper, a protective covering and some glue! To this day I can’t remember the grade I actually got on it but I can tell you that it is probably the only assignment I really remember putting my full heart and sole into and it is most definitely the only one I still have with me today.

I guess there must’ve been good reason that I never let go of it. I mean, it was never published or even recognized beyond that classroom door but maybe I held onto it for another purpose. Maybe it had been nudging me for all these years from a dusty box in the basement to follow a dream I had since I was a young child when I would spend hours creating poetry and writing short stories and drawing and drawing some more. Maybe it was that high school creative writing class that allowed me to find the courage to start my blog and to go so far as to write and actually publish a children’s book. And maybe just maybe it’s a good thing that I dusted off that box in the basement and opened my heart and sole up to a lifelong dream, a dream that I can finally share with the world in less than 2 weeks!! #goals #dreams #highschooliskey #stayinschool #keepdreaming #create #writing #envision #memories #timmyandbecky #findingmypurpose #mentalillness #mentalhealth #youmatter #depression #anxiety #youareenough #courage #wheredidmommyssmilego

Are You Better?

The other day I was watching a daily Landvlog as I try to do most days. For those of you who may have missed my previous articles discussing Michael Landsberg and his Not for Profit organization #sicknotweak.com please feel free to check him out on Facebook or Twitter if you haven’t already and to also learn more about what this incredible man has done for people who suffer with a mental illness you can visit my blog site: http://www.youareenough712.wordpress.com to read what he has done for me personally (“My Evening With Michael Landsberg”; April 30, 2019 and “A Reminder To Keep Fighting”; May 2, 2019).

So as I said a moment ago I was recently watching one of Michael Landsberg’s daily Landsvlogs and although every time I watch one something usually resonates with me, but the other day was one of those days where I felt like he was talking directly to me. He spoke about something that happens to me often, something that can be quite triggering for me, something so innocent and most often coming from a good, kind-hearted place yet can also be quite harmful to someone like me.

He spoke about a woman he knows who recently tried to take her own life and who thankfully survived but she is now dealing with the pressure and guilt from those who care about her who keep asking “are you better?” It may seem like any ordinary question for many but to someone struggling with a mental illness, their first thought may be that if I say “no” then I will let you down, or I will disappoint you or maybe even worse, you will walk away.

I know it seems confusing for people to understand because they “can’t see the answer” right in front of them and maybe they just want to see what they want to see or hear what they want to hear because that gives them hope, but in reality it is just adding more pressure and guilt on to your friend, parent, child, coworker or even acquaintance, and it is most definitely keeping the person who is suffering from being true to themselves. It only adds further to the stigma and our need to wear a mask because it’s so much easier than letting you down, it’s so much easier than disappointing you and definitely so much it’s easier than watching you walk away.

So I guess the best advice Michael echoes in his Landsvlog is that you should never stop asking “how are you doing?” or “how are you feeling?” as long as it’s not with the expectation that the answer will be a positive one or that you will not feel disappointment or frustration if the answer is a negative one. He also reminds us that our tone can make all the difference between allowing someone to unmask or feel the need to lie because you know by their tone that they don’t really want to hear the truth especially when it feels more like a rhetorical question. I have personally felt that tone of “hey, feeling better?” or “you seem like you’re doing better?” or “you look better?”

I want nothing more than to one day tell you “I’m feeling awesome!” and really mean it, but for now I will continue to be as truthful and open and honest as I have been even if it means letting you down, disappointing you or watching you walk away. #itsoknottobeok

Am I An Imposter?

Today is the first time I have sat down to write in like 2 weeks. I hate that I feel pressured to write, I mean no one is actually pressuring me to do so except for my inner voice that keeps telling me I should write more. It’s not like I have deadlines to meet or a boss yelling in my ear to have 5 articles on their desk by Monday morning or else!!

But I like writing, it is a very peaceful activity that I can do for myself and by myself. It allows me to focus, it gives me a purpose and some new perspectives, it keeps my creative juices flowing and it’s a safe place to unscramble many of my thoughts and emotions. Writing makes things seem clearer when they are right in front of you which can often help me release some stress and anxiety in that moment too.

Not only do I love writing for myself but I also love writing for others as well. It has become my way of giving strength to many people who struggle with a Mental Illness, along with their loved ones too by sharing my own personal fight and raw emotions and giving them the courage to reach out for help in finding their own way through this dark and sometimes very lonely path. As well, by writing, I am able to shine a light on society through my own personal experiences and my own understanding of that dark and sometimes very lonely path who may otherwise have not been able to perceive or grasp the many intricate, complex difficulties that come with battling a mental illness, even if everyone’s journey is so different.

Yet one of the biggest battles I face everyday is the feeling that whatever I do, whatever I accomplish or whatever victory I achieve no matter how big or small it may seem, I feel like an imposter or a fraud. I never feel worthy of my successes or allow myself time to enjoy them and more often than not I find a way to sabotage my achievements.

Success may look and feel very different to everyone and for someone like myself who battles with depression and anxiety daily, even that one simple task completed each day is a huge success and should be celebrated. But I don’t. There is such a thing called the “Imposter Syndrome” and although it’s a real thing, it’s not something that your doctor is gonna necessarily diagnose you with, nor will they hand you over a prescription for but that “thing” is a very recognizable symptom of my illness and is prominent in most aspects of my life.

People who suffer with “Imposter Syndrome” are continuously filled with self-doubt, never allowing themselves to feel adequate. I myself can spin any success or task I complete around in a millisecond with a negative thought without even batting an eyelash. I also have a very difficult time accepting praise and compliments for my successes or tasks completed even knowing how genuine they are because I never feel worthy enough or deserving enough but I will continue to work at it. Afterall, we are all just a work in progress.