Category: Honesty

No-one Is Immune

Last night news spread very quickly over many mental health related newsfeeds about a young man named Jarrid Wilson, just 30 years old who had taken his own life. He was married with 2 young children, he was an author and co-founder of a non profit organization called Anthem of Hope. He was a mental health advocate, a devout Christian and a very well known Pastor who gave “hope for those battling brokenness, depression, anxiety, self-harm, addiction, and suicide” even while he was battling his own depression and anxiety; something he spoke very open and honestly about.
As soon as I read the news my jaw just about dropped to the floor because he was somewhat of a celebrity to me and to anyone else who is as obsessed as I am with the TLC reality show “Outdaughtered”. Even if you are just a little bit obsessed with the show then you should know exactly who he was (and if you don’t know the show then you seriously don’t know what you are missing; The cutest quintuplets around!). New season starts October 1st.
A couple of seasons ago Jarrid and his family were featured in several episodes when the dad of the quints; Adam Busby was diagnosed with post-partum depression (yes it exists in men too!) and sought out Pastor Jarrid for some counselling. I watched those episodes a little differently than most other episodes because I felt the dad’s pain and so much of what Pastor Jarrid said to him at the time resonated so much with me.
I didn’t know at the time those episodes aired that the Pastor was battling with his own mental health issues and that much of what he said during their sessions together came from a place of understanding and compassion and knowing both of them were very devout Christian’s, God played a big part in both of their journeys. And kudos to TLC for tackling such a stigmatized topic, especially for men.
I am certain that many of you are probably asking yourselves today how a person who devoted his entire life to helping others battle depression, who wrote books about hope, who co-founded a non profit organization supporting others with depression and who devoted his entire life to God could lose his battle with depression himself. Well the senior Pastor at his church in California summed it up perfectly. Greg Laurie stated in an interview yesterday that “Sometimes people may think that as pastors or spiritual leaders we are somehow above the pain and struggles of everyday people, we are the ones who are supposed to have all the answers. But we do not.”
Those words ring true for any person who suffers with depression and understands that no one, no matter what your socio-economical background is or your religious beliefs are, nobody is immune to mental illness which is why I can see so many parallels between my own journey and Jarrid’s journey too.
I may not pray or look toward God for guidance but like Jarrid I experience pain each and every day and like Jarrid I have made it my mission to advocate for change and end the stigma surrounding mental illness by being that voice. And like Jarrid I have made it my mission to help as many people as I can get the help they need and give other people hope. And like Jarrid I have made it my mission to let others know that it’s okay not to be okay. Hey and lets not forget that like Jarrid I too can now call myself an author!
I know it’s so difficult to understand how someone like myself or Jarrid can do all those things yet still not be able to practice what we preach because it’s no secret that it’s often so much easier to see the beauty in others and not in our own selves. And although suicide took his life “Suicide will not get the last word. I won’t let it. You always said, “Hope gets the last word (A quote from his wife). And I’m pretty sure she will make it her mission now to ensure that hope lives on in all of us battling this deadly disease.
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

TODAY IS SEPTEMBER 10TH: DON’T GIVE UP!

I think it’s probably safe to say that at some point in your life you have felt loneliness, or maybe you have felt like a failure, or maybe you have felt helpless or maybe even worthless. It might’ve only been for a day or a week or for many like myself, it might’ve been for years but no matter the length of time it probably felt like an eternity.
Today is September 10th and today is World Suicide Prevention Day which is a day solely dedicated to raising awareness and prevention of suicidal behaviors worldwide.
The World Health Organization (WHO) joins forces each year with The International Association For Suicide Prevention (IASP) and World Federation For Mental Health (WFMH) to provide this forum for mental health professionals, crisis teams, suicide survivors and anyone else who has been affected by suicide with special activities and events being held all over the world.
Yes you may be reading my mind because of course it will take way more than just one day a year for change to come about but by recognizing it and talking about it is a stepping stone to starting important and necessary conversations everywhere and no matter what that is the goal of today.
That was the same goal of one such movement I recently came across (well maybe like 6 mths ago if we’re gonna get technical) which began about 2 years ago in Oregon and truly defines what one important and necessary conversation can do to help save lives.
Imagine for a moment that day or that week or those years that you felt loneliness or like a failure or helpless or maybe even worthless. Now imagine yourself for a moment, riding home from work after a long day and you’re feeling worthless or think about a child who arrives at school one morning who feels lonely and suddenly in front of you there is a “sign”.
#dontgiveupsigns is a movement which began as I mentioned above in Oregon by one family who upon learning that the suicide rate in their community was rapidly rising, they decided right then and there that they needed to be a part of the solution by spreading love and hope. So as a family they began knocking on strangers doors asking if they would be willing to place a sign on their front lawn for a couple of weeks. And before they knew it their simple act of kindness was becoming an international phenomenon.
Their signs read messages of hope and encouragement like “you matter”, “you are not alone”, ” it’s not too late”, “don’t give up”, “you are worthy of love” and more. In 2 short years their signs (and now stickers, bracelets and pins too) have made their way to 27 countries and in 6 different languages and they aren’t slowing down.
They are now a non profit organization committed to helping others who may be feeling lonely or like a failure or helpless or maybe even worthless. They started a conversation and now they are paying it forward.
So what if it was you in that car driving home from work that day feeling worthless or what if it was your child who arrives at school every day feeling lonely and right there at the right time and in the right place they saw a “sign”? You just never know how a simple act of kindness may change someone else’s whole world forever.
Please go to dontgiveupsigns.com or follow them on Facebook and Instagram to learn more. I know how much I’d love to see these signs popping up in my own community. Who’s with me?
@dontgiveupmovement @who
#worldsuicidepreventionday
#dontgiveupsigns
#changingtheconversation
#onesignatatime
#wordsmatter #youmatter #startaconversation
#checkonyourlovedones
#dontsufferinsilence #yourmentalhealthmatters #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #dailyreminder #itsoktonotbeok #suicide #endthestigmatogether #bekindtoyourself #selfcare #youareenough #choosekindness

Something From Nothing

When I first began teaching Preschool aged children many years ago (before I had my own kids) I began a collection of age appropriate books that I felt would be relevant to my own children one day, many of which I have kept to pass along to the next generation too. One such book is the award winning book adapted from a Jewish folktale called “Something From Nothing”.
Once my own kids were old enough I began reading it to them regularly and it never got old. The story begins with a proud grandfather making his new grandson Joseph a wonderful baby blanket “to keep him warm and cozy and chase away bad dreams.” As Joseph grows, his much loved baby blanket becomes “frazzled and torn” (much like my copy of this book) and his mom encourages Joseph to throw it away. Joseph would hear nothing of it and says to his mother proudly; “Grandpa can fix it!” And fix it he did, many many times as he grew. He transformed his blanket into a wonderful jacket, a wonderful vest, a wonderful tie, a wonderful handkerchief and finally with very little material left he made a wonderful button for him to hold up his suspenders with.
That was until one day when the button becomes lost and Joseph searches everywhere for it but can’t find it and Joseph had to come to the realization that even his amazing grandfather couldn’t make “Something From Nothing”.
But maybe there was hope after all because what Joseph learned that day was far more valuable than finding his wonderful button, it was that there still was something indeed that could be made from the material left behind which just so happened to be a wonderful story.
The message of love is abundant in this timeless tale and is such a touching story to see the special bond growing deeper and deeper between a boy and his grandfather. In the end Joseph realizes that it was never about a wonderful blanket or a wonderful coat or even a wonderful button but instead it was about making memories and being able to retell stories over and over again that came with each stage of his life.
It was about creating those memories with his loved ones and holding on to them because truly in the end it is all about the importance of using our imaginations and being able to share our memories with the people that matter the most, no matter how young or old. If we use our imaginations and create the ability to storytell then we will always be able to make “Something From Nothing”.
I learned this valuable lesson very recently when I shared a fun and engaging post on my Facebook page about all the collectibles many of us had in our childhood (like stickers and stationary and cabbage patch dolls). I no longer have any of my collectibles due to several unforeseen circumstances (another story for another time) and at first my fun and engaging post quickly turned my emotions to anger and sadness when others began sharing how they still had their childhood treasures but then I remembered that it wasn’t about the material things itself but more about our ability to create memories, use our imagination and to keep storytelling over and over again with each stage of our lives because that is the material left behind to make for any great story!

A Message To My Younger Self

As our kids get ready to embark on a new school year and whether or not it’s their first year of preschool or their last year of post-graduate education the unknown of what lies ahead can be scary for many of them.
Throughout my journey I have spent a HUGE amount of time reflecting on my childhood and young adult life as I continue to try and put my life back together. And although reflecting on my past is often a great detriment to my recovery I also see it as an important stepping stone to my future and my kid’s future’s as well.
When we look back on our childhood and young adult life many will smile with gratitude and ease while others may not but either way most of us will likely realize that what we dreamt of or have achieved since then was not exactly what we planned for. Maybe we always had the same values and interests but it came together with lots of twists and turns.
I know it’s definitely that way for me and I have so many new and different perspectives on life today than I did way back when I was 5 or even 35 and if I could turn back time for even just one day and be able to talk to my younger self I now have so many inciteful and valuable lessons to teach her, most of which could benefit both our children and youth today.
The first thing I would tell my younger self is to slow down. Don’t be in a rush to grow up so fast. Even when we hit a bump in the road it’s just a small piece of the journey ahead.
When you finally reach high school and beyond don’t worry about what others think of you, be who you want to be, quirks and all, embrace who you are because that will be your key to success one day. And remember it’s not the quantity of friends you have, it’s the quality.
Forgive yourself more often, this is of course one of the most important lessons I can take away from my younger self as I struggle daily with this now as I stand in front of my bathroom mirror every morning punishing myself, berating myself and hating myself, forgetting just how many people love me for who I am.
I would also like to undoubtedly tell my younger self as well to always remember to never be afraid to ask for help, to always remember to be kind to others, to always remember to choose a career or pathway that makes you happy, to always remember to follow your passions, to always remember to smile at others as often as you can because you never know what someone else may be going through, to always remember to make family a top priority, to always remember to compliment others and likewise to receive them with ease, to always remember that beauty comes from within and to never forget that words matter, that you matter and that no matter what #youareenough.

Simply Put, I’m Emotionally Overwhelmed

I’ve always tried to be as open and honest as I can with you by sharing my most intimate thoughts and feelings but as much as I do share, there is still so much that I don’t.
Most of what I tend to keep private involves my inner circle, including my husband, my kids and my extended family. It’s just not my place to share their stories even if they may often impact my own health and wellness, that is of course until I sign a big book deal one day for a New York Times Bestseller or maybe even a movie deal for a blockbuster hit and then, well, you know, all bets are off!
When this week began I probably would have told you that it was one of the top ten best weeks of my life, after all, I now had a published children’s book on Amazon! But literally within hours of it becoming a top ten contender, it quickly became one of the most difficult weeks ever and I feel like I’m gonna explode if I don’t let it all out.
I can’t handle life’s “little” ups and downs or bumps in the road at the best of times and lately I have been taking on way more than I can chew and have been dealing with way more than I can handle (both good and bad) and plain and simply, I’m emotionally overwhelmed.
Being emotionally overwhelmed is much more than just your average feeling of stress, it can be paralyzing and right now I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like a tidal wave has swept me under the water and I have no life vest on to save me. I’m experiencing so many negative emotions all at once like anger, fear, guilt and of course good ole fashion anxiety and panic and those can all be pretty scary feelings!
Life happens, shit happens and the older we get the more “life and shit” tend to happen and when it’s out of our control you can easily reach a point of total despair.
I think I’ve reached that point this week for sure. I wish I could turn back time to a few days ago when this week first began and I thought it was gonna be one of the best one’s yet, that was of course until my husband was suddenly and without warning let go from his job on Tuesday and before my mom was admitted into the hospital last night only for the doctors to tell my brother and I (and spouses) that she can no longer live on her own and will not be released until they find her a long term care facility that can accommodate her rapidly worsening symptoms of dementia (she’s 73).
They say bad things always happen in three’s and whether or not it’s just a superstition, until the clock strikes midnight tonight and a new week officially begins, I can be found standing in front of my bathroom mirror reading all the positive affirmations I wrote all over it the other day! (See blog I posted yesterday; Mirror Mirror On The Wall)

I’m An Author

It’s really happening! My book is now available on Amazon.ca.(Canada only). If outside of Canada please email me at kimfluxgold@gmail.com

Thank you for all your endless love and support. #dreamsdocometrue #goals #visions #reachforthestars #endthestigmatogether #youareenough #children #family #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #selfcare #ichooseme #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #youmatter #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok

Mrs. Doubtfire’s Mask

This week marks the fifth Anniversary of Robin Williams’ suicide. For me and for so many others, that day is still very raw and is wholly etched in my memory forever. I have written several times about the impact his death had on me and the impact it had on our society as well. In these articles I have emphasized the importance of our words and the language that we use pertaining to suicide which can also make an impact on how we as a society help end the stigma surrounding Mental Illness. Moreover, in these same articles I have discussed how so many people battling a Mental Illness still need to wear their “mask” for protection too.

As you know, I chronicle my own personal journey quite openly and honestly and I rely mostly on Social Media to do so. Robin Williams’ did not necessarily choose to do so and that was his choice and so upon hearing the news of his sudden death by suicide without knowing through any media outlets in general that he had been battling with depression it made it seem that much more difficult for many to understand. I mean, he always “looked” so “happy”, he had a thriving career making the world laugh, he had lots of money, fame, a loving family and great success; he had it all so why would he end his life many still wonder.

What we saw was what was hidden behind Robin’s “mask” as with so many other celebrities who have taken their lives before him and following his death on August 11, 2014 did all too well too. A day where I myself had been alone, no one knowing my whereabouts and contemplating ending my own life as the news of his death broke. But like Robin and Kate and Anthony and so many others, celebrity or not, I have learned to master my mask without always realizing it.

As I mentioned above, I use Social Media to chronicle my journey and Facebook in particular has become a very important tool in doing so. I will admit that I love Facebook (yes I love Facebook) even though I don’t actually spend a lot of time each day on it scrolling through my feeds because I can be easily triggered. But it’s a safe place for me to write and express myself without having to be face to face with others. It has helped me build up a substantial network for many things including my blog, it allows me to keep up with daily news & entertainment and it connects me to old friends and so many of the new friends it’s allowed me to make.

So what’s my point you’re probably wondering? I get the impression some days that I am confusing many people and I don’t want to wear my “mask” anymore because it is suffocating me. People read or see many of my posts on Facebook (and Instagram too) and think “oh look how great, Kim is going out, she must be feeling better!!” The truth is I go out all the time and for the past five years since I began battling with depression and anxiety I have gotten up everyday and showered everyday as well (sometimes twice). I do what I can most days, when I can and with who I can and even if I am quite limited as to what daily activities I can and can’t do and with whom I can and can’t do them with I am doing them at my own pace and within my own boundaries.

I want to be able to show the world the many faces of Depression and Anxiety and that includes all the good stuff I do along with the hard stuff too. I want everyone to see that there are many sides of Depression and Anxiety but I want to also be able to do it without being judged and I most definitely want to do it without my mask on because no matter what I am doing, more often than not, I am still doing it while experiencing severe anxiety (and sometimes panic), chronic depression and on many days with suicidal ideations as well.

Are You Better?

The other day I was watching a daily Landvlog as I try to do most days. For those of you who may have missed my previous articles discussing Michael Landsberg and his Not for Profit organization #sicknotweak.com please feel free to check him out on Facebook or Twitter if you haven’t already and to also learn more about what this incredible man has done for people who suffer with a mental illness you can visit my blog site: http://www.youareenough712.wordpress.com to read what he has done for me personally (“My Evening With Michael Landsberg”; April 30, 2019 and “A Reminder To Keep Fighting”; May 2, 2019).

So as I said a moment ago I was recently watching one of Michael Landsberg’s daily Landsvlogs and although every time I watch one something usually resonates with me, but the other day was one of those days where I felt like he was talking directly to me. He spoke about something that happens to me often, something that can be quite triggering for me, something so innocent and most often coming from a good, kind-hearted place yet can also be quite harmful to someone like me.

He spoke about a woman he knows who recently tried to take her own life and who thankfully survived but she is now dealing with the pressure and guilt from those who care about her who keep asking “are you better?” It may seem like any ordinary question for many but to someone struggling with a mental illness, their first thought may be that if I say “no” then I will let you down, or I will disappoint you or maybe even worse, you will walk away.

I know it seems confusing for people to understand because they “can’t see the answer” right in front of them and maybe they just want to see what they want to see or hear what they want to hear because that gives them hope, but in reality it is just adding more pressure and guilt on to your friend, parent, child, coworker or even acquaintance, and it is most definitely keeping the person who is suffering from being true to themselves. It only adds further to the stigma and our need to wear a mask because it’s so much easier than letting you down, it’s so much easier than disappointing you and definitely so much it’s easier than watching you walk away.

So I guess the best advice Michael echoes in his Landsvlog is that you should never stop asking “how are you doing?” or “how are you feeling?” as long as it’s not with the expectation that the answer will be a positive one or that you will not feel disappointment or frustration if the answer is a negative one. He also reminds us that our tone can make all the difference between allowing someone to unmask or feel the need to lie because you know by their tone that they don’t really want to hear the truth especially when it feels more like a rhetorical question. I have personally felt that tone of “hey, feeling better?” or “you seem like you’re doing better?” or “you look better?”

I want nothing more than to one day tell you “I’m feeling awesome!” and really mean it, but for now I will continue to be as truthful and open and honest as I have been even if it means letting you down, disappointing you or watching you walk away. #itsoknottobeok

Am I An Imposter?

Today is the first time I have sat down to write in like 2 weeks. I hate that I feel pressured to write, I mean no one is actually pressuring me to do so except for my inner voice that keeps telling me I should write more. It’s not like I have deadlines to meet or a boss yelling in my ear to have 5 articles on their desk by Monday morning or else!!

But I like writing, it is a very peaceful activity that I can do for myself and by myself. It allows me to focus, it gives me a purpose and some new perspectives, it keeps my creative juices flowing and it’s a safe place to unscramble many of my thoughts and emotions. Writing makes things seem clearer when they are right in front of you which can often help me release some stress and anxiety in that moment too.

Not only do I love writing for myself but I also love writing for others as well. It has become my way of giving strength to many people who struggle with a Mental Illness, along with their loved ones too by sharing my own personal fight and raw emotions and giving them the courage to reach out for help in finding their own way through this dark and sometimes very lonely path. As well, by writing, I am able to shine a light on society through my own personal experiences and my own understanding of that dark and sometimes very lonely path who may otherwise have not been able to perceive or grasp the many intricate, complex difficulties that come with battling a mental illness, even if everyone’s journey is so different.

Yet one of the biggest battles I face everyday is the feeling that whatever I do, whatever I accomplish or whatever victory I achieve no matter how big or small it may seem, I feel like an imposter or a fraud. I never feel worthy of my successes or allow myself time to enjoy them and more often than not I find a way to sabotage my achievements.

Success may look and feel very different to everyone and for someone like myself who battles with depression and anxiety daily, even that one simple task completed each day is a huge success and should be celebrated. But I don’t. There is such a thing called the “Imposter Syndrome” and although it’s a real thing, it’s not something that your doctor is gonna necessarily diagnose you with, nor will they hand you over a prescription for but that “thing” is a very recognizable symptom of my illness and is prominent in most aspects of my life.

People who suffer with “Imposter Syndrome” are continuously filled with self-doubt, never allowing themselves to feel adequate. I myself can spin any success or task I complete around in a millisecond with a negative thought without even batting an eyelash. I also have a very difficult time accepting praise and compliments for my successes or tasks completed even knowing how genuine they are because I never feel worthy enough or deserving enough but I will continue to work at it. Afterall, we are all just a work in progress.

FOMO (Anxiety) VS. JOMO (Depression)

Today began as a particularly sad day. I awoke to the realization that it was the first time in a decade that we would not be making the 3 hour trek to camp to visit our kids on Visitor’s Day. We did just see our girls last weekend when they came home for a night off to help celebrate their brother’s 21st birthday surprise party, but I still couldn’t help but think of all the memories we have made together during our visits with them at camp (which was also once my home away from home), and there was no escaping my emotions when my newsfeed on Facebook has been flooded all weekend long with pictures of parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles alike making their own special memories.

This past week was exhausting, overwhelming and extremely busy to say the least which led to my immune system being compromised and ended with a visit to the doctor where he was able to prescribe medicine for my physical symptoms but was unable to help with my emotional ones, something that haunts me everyday because it’s just another sad reminder that there simply is no magic pill for me. And maybe part of my emotional pain this week was knowing that I wasn’t welcome at camp this summer because my kids are all staff now and even though I’ve had a year to prepare me for today I seemed to fall short. (see blog: Our Last Visitor’s Day; All Good Things Must Come To An End, July 23, 2018)

The funny thing is that over the past 5 years, Visitor’s Day has been very difficult for me to say the least and as much as I wanted to be there and see the happiness that radiates from their sun tanned faces, breathe in the country air and just be in the moment it’s something that is also beyond overwhelming and emotional for me too. You see, suffering with Depression and Anxiety comes into play in almost every role and almost every situation I face every day, it’s a catch 22 of sorts and there is no escaping such circumstances when you battle with FOMO (anxiety) and JOMO (depression) all at once.

FOMO for those who don’t know is an acronym for the “Fear of missing out”. It has certainly become a buzz word for many since our lives seem to revolve so much around the internet and social media nowadays. It’s a fear of being excluded, a fear that others are living a better, more fulfilling life without you, it’s a fear of making wrong choices and it’s a fear of regret. FOMO is extremely anxiety provoking and something that keeps me avoiding scrolling my Newsfeeds much these days. It is mentally draining some days. On the other hand I also suffer as I mentioned from JOMO (depression) or as the acronym states “Joy of Missing out”.

JOMO is the complete opposite of FOMO as it describes the pleasure of taking a break from others, activities and social media in order to disconnect and take care of yourself. It’s allowing yourself to be okay with taking a hiatus from the world around you and of course social media. Oftentimes it is a coping mechanism for someone like myself who suffers with depression, sometimes we have no choice but to remember that it’s okay.

So today I left my FOMO and my JOMO behind and Rich and I headed out for the afternoon, not for our usual #summerofrich hikes but for some quiet time together away from the city, breathing in some country air and just being in the moment. And we found the perfect place to do just that called Terre Bleu Lavender Farm! Hope you enjoy the pics.