Category: Honesty

It’s Thanksgiving Today And “I Get To”

Thanksgiving isn’t really a holiday that we celebrate in our home (although my kids have been dying to make pumpkin pie; I’m just not quite sure who’d actually eat it though!) but the significance of the holiday is certainly not lost on any of us.
I am grateful, I am blessed and I am thankful for having each one of these Goons (insert loving tone here 💕) in my life and I know that no matter what challenges we may face, obstacles we must overcome or hoops we will jump through, we “GET TO” do it together.
Thanksgiving is a time for giving thanks to those who mean the most to us and to express our gratitude in general. It’s a time for feeling blessed and remembering that we should celebrate each victory, big or small and embrace every challenge in our life because we can and because we “GET TO”.
But for me, suffering with chronic depression and anxiety these are gigantic tasks. My perception is often not my reality but still I keep trying to challenge the very cruel and daunting voice in my head by changing the conversation each day from “I have to wake up again today” to “I get to wake up again today”. I’m not gonna lie though because many days the challenge feels endless and much of the time too burdensome to even want to keep trying.
When having the mindset that “I have to” do something it’s implying that it is a real burden as opposed to telling ourselves “I Get To” which is truly a blessing. I know just how important these 3 little words are to my recovery because as we all know it’s not what I “have to do” in my life that matters, it’s who “I GET TO” do my life with that does.
Maybe today we “get to” go to the grocery store (we are blessed to have food to eat), or maybe we “get to” pay some bills today (we are blessed to have a home that keeps us safe and warm) or maybe we “get to” take our toddler to the doctor today (because we are so blessed to be someone’s mom/dad).
So whether or not you are celebrating Thanksgiving today, lets all make a pact together and change our perspective to “I Get To” instead of “I Have To” and help each other look at life through the eyes of opportunity, gratitude and blessings because every day should feel like it’s Thanksgiving.
What do you “get to” do today?
#thanksgiving #getto #blessed #grateful #thankful #myreasonswhy

Crafting

Crafting or working on creative projects is an escape for me and always has been and lucky for me it also has many health benefits for your mental wellness too. Crafting is a great way for me to relieve stress by taking a break from my chronic anxiety and depression. Crafting can build self-esteem and self-confidence when you feel a sense of accomplishment or success from your achievement.
For me, part of the crafting or creating of a project itself is the excitement of planning and executing it. It’s not just about the finished product but also about the journey of getting there as well. It’s about challenging myself, learning new skills and once completed maybe even having a new knick-knack to display!
I created this piece to remind myself everyday and for anyone else who walks into my home that “you are enough”. That you were enough before you walked through my door, that you are enough now and that you will continue to be enough after. And even though I am forever believing otherwise I now have something to remind me that I am worthy, I am valued, I am accepted, I am true, I am loved and I am purposeful because I am me and that also means that you are you. #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #mentalhealthawarenessweek #itsoktonotbeok #ichooseme #youarenotalone #bekindtoyourself #crafting #create

Can You Tell Me How To Get to Sesame Street?

Who doesn’t love Sesame Street? I mean it doesn’t get much better than Elmo, Oscar The Grouch and Big Bird now does it? Nor would they be celebrating 50 magical years on air next month if it wasn’t one of the most beloved neighborhoods for kids of all ages!
Throughout the last 50 years Sesame Street has embraced a myriad of groundbreaking storylines on their show with open arms. Each and every year they continue to tackle topics that reflect their diverse audience with only one goal in mind; education and inclusion.
These topics have ranged from racism, adoption, autism, down syndrome, divorce, being in a wheelchair, 9/11, death, a family member being incarcerated; the list is truly endless and for each topic they tackle, millions of children and their families are sitting in their living rooms, watching and feeling less alone in their own relatable struggle.
And now this week Sesame Street has done it once again by adding to their list of inclusive storylines when they recently introduced a new character by the name of Karli who begins to open up to her friends in the neighborhood about her mom’s addiction and mental health crisis. She tells her friends that her mom had to go away for treatment and that she is now in recovery and that a big part of her recovery is attending meetings every single day with people who have the same problem as her in order to help her stay healthy while being surrounded by people who understand what she is going through and learning how to take better care of herself.
The message Karli receives from her mom and her friends is one of hope and healing and it really resonated with me, bringing tears to my eyes (not that it takes much to make me cry). The message Karli receives is the same message that “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” aims to teach children which is that Mommy’s disease is not their fault, that they are not alone and that they are safe and loved.
It is also relating another very important message to their audience which is that it is never too early to start having these conversations with children because the more we open up and have honest conversations the sooner our children will understand that they are not at fault, that they are not alone and most of all that they are safe and loved. And lets not forget that the more education and inclusion we project upon young children today, the sooner we help to end the stigma around mental illness for future generations to come!
Watching Karli made me want to reach out and hug her so tight and then curl up next to her while reading “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” together. Just one quick question though before I go; “Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?”
#youareenough #youarenotalone #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #addictions #opioidcrisis #epidemic #compassion #friendship #itsoktonotbeok #acceptance #startaconversation #courage #wheredidmommyssmilego #amazonca #sesamestreet #inclusion #educationiskey #childrenareourfuture #endthestigmatogether #kidsarepeopletoo #speakyourtruth #honesty #elmo #happyanniversary #cheerstofiftymore #mentalhealthawarenessweek

World Mental Health Day

Today is World Mental Health Day and its main focus is on suicide prevention. Today we need to start important and necessary conversations. Today we need to check in on our loved ones. Today we need to give hope to someone who may need it the most. Today we need to ensure that no-one feels alone. It takes less than a minute to do so and by being present in someone’s life who may be feeling vulnerable right now can make all difference.

Whether it’s a quick chat over a cup of coffee or a simple text message or maybe a phone call or even a quiet visit together in the comfort of their home, I can tell you how much moments like these make a difference in my own life. Keep talking, keep sharing, keep showing up, keep being kind and compassionate toward others because your voice may just be the voice who gives someone else the courage to reach out for the help they need. #givesomeonehopetoday #itonlytakesamoment #itsoktonotbeok #suicideprevention #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #mentalhealthawarenessweek #worldmentalhealthday #checkonyourlovedones #startaconversation #youareenough #empowerment #compassion #kindness

About Last Night

I’ve done quite a few events and interviews over the last month or so since my book was published but last night was by far the most meaningful one yet. As I mentioned last week I was asked to be a panelist at an event called Community Conversations at the Richmond Hill Public Library where I was to speak about Mental Illness and Stigma. In preparation for the event I was sent a series of 4 questions beforehand on the topic of Stigma in which I would be asked to discuss in front of the group along with a short bio about my journey and then followed up with a Q & A from the audience at the very end.
One by one each panelist discussed their views on (1) the harmful effects of the Stigma surrounding mental illness, (2) the most commonly held stereotypes about mentally ill people, (3) our strategies on how we as a society can help diminish the Stigma and (4) our thoughts on the important and urgent need for more access and funding to better educate the public about mental illness in order to increase understanding and empathy.
I was BEYOND anxious and overwhelmed all day yesterday and especially as I sat in my big, comfy chair waiting for the event to begin. I sat there looking around the room as the other panelists and guests arrived one by one and the anxiety and overwhelm just kept building. By now my head was filled with so much negative self-talk I thought it was going to explode! I wanted to run for the nearest exit screaming and crying (but I was in a library afterall and didn’t want to distract the 100’s of kids trying to study!) And no amount of breathing or grounding exercises seemed to be slowing down what was going on inside my body and mind either, but then the Moderator started to introduce the panel 1 by 1 and when I started to tell my story to a room full of strangers all my anxiety and overwhelm seemed to dissipate.
Suddenly I felt a sense of belonging and that by sharing my story and speaking from my heart on a topic I have so much passion and understanding for and knowing that I could possibly help someone feel less alone, feel like it’s ok to not be ok or feel a sense of comfort from within their own community made all the anxiety and overwhelm all worthwhile.
Everyone in attendance last night had their own reason for being there. Some may have been mental health educators or professionals, some may have been mental health advocates, some may have been in need of some guidance for their own mental wellness and some may have been there to seek advice on behalf of a loved one in need of support.
But whatever their reason was for being there, they all have a story to tell, we all have a story to tell and we definitely need more evenings like last night so that more and more people can have a safe place to feel like they can start telling their story and know that someone is listening. I know I want to hear it; how about you?
#mentalhealthawarenessweek #mentalillness #mentalhealth #stigma #endthestigmatogether #youareenough #choosekindness #itsoktonotbeok #startaconversation #educationiskey #dontsufferinsilence #speakyourtruth #courage #wheredidmommyssmilego #amazon #rhpl

Dip An Apple In Some Honey

For many people of the Jewish faith, tonight is the beginning of Rosh Hashanah, the start of a new year which also marks the high holy days ending with Yom Kippur ten days later. During these ten holy days Jewish people are meant to focus their attention on introspection and attonement. It is also the time of year where we should look to the future and be grateful to be given the opportunity for a new beginning while at the same time be able to ask for forgiveness for our sins from the past year.
For someone like myself who is battling a mental illness, these concepts are both a daily struggle and a large part of our recovery.
This time of year can often be very triggering but also very comforting for many. It may be an opportunity for some individuals, who like me, are suffering with a mental illness, to start important and necessary conversations around the dinner table or within their congregations. It may be the time of year that you find solace in speaking your truth. It may be the time of year that you feel safe in the hands of your loved ones or through prayer. It may be the time of year that your pain allows you to find the courage or help that you need and it may be the time of year that you start to feel like you are not alone in your journey.
So tonight or tomorrow or next week when you enter a place of worship or a loved one’s home or wherever these high holy days find you, try and look around the room at your surroundings and the people around you and give them strength, be present for them, offer a warm smile, a sincere handshake, a strong hug to help walk them through their darkness.
And although you may not truly understand what another person is feeling or going through, just knowing that someone cares or is willing to hold your hand and show compassion towards you may give them the strength and courage or allow them to focus their attention on introspection and atonement within themselves knowing they are not walking it alone.
L’Shanah Tova to everyone which simply means “to a good year” and remember to dip an apple in some honey for some extra sweetness.

Biting Off More Than I Can Chew

I use the word “overwhelmed” a lot to explain how I am feeling, but it kinda describes how I feel most often, most days. And lately it’s no wonder I’m so overwhelmed, I’ve been on the biggest roller coaster ride of my life over the last few weeks and albeit there have been many ups, there have also been many loops and many, many downs.

It’s fair to say that I’ve had a lot on my plate lately and have taken on way more than I can chew, and most of what you are seeing is only a small portion of it through my many posts and pictures on my social media pages. But my ability to cope with life is starting to take a real downward plunge, just like that feeling you get when you are on that roller coaster ride, slowly making your way uphill and then suddenly you plummet downward at the highest speeds imaginable leaving your stomach at the top.

Please don’t get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for the feeling that I get when I’m riding that roller coaster uphill; the slower the better, that way I can take in way more of the sites below, but it’s those many loops and sudden plunges downhill that makes it so difficult to enjoy the ride that I find myself screaming and begging for it to all just come to an end.

The more any of us take on or have to tend to in our lives, the more overwhelmed we may feel, then add on for me, those persistent and incessant racing thoughts, those feelings of worthlessness, that fear of failure and lets not forget that Goddamn guilt. When I mix it all together I begin to shut down both mentally and physically.

Well yesterday that roller coaster ride hesitantly made it up the hill and then suddenly and without warning broke down completely causing my entire immune system to shut down too. I found myself in a hospital emergency room in the late afternoon with a rash which has now physically covered my whole body and a mental breakdown which led to a severe panic attack and hysteria.

It was in that moment that I realized (ok it was more like once I was given something to calm me down) and then Rich helped me realize that although many things I am dealing with right now are not within my control I need to refocus my whole heart on what I do have control over instead. I have a very difficult time concentrating on one task at a time, or tackling one issue at a time but it is not serving me well to try and bite off more than I can chew right now.

So for now my first priority is to start back at the very beginning and break everything down into their simplest forms in order to begin to dissect each task or issue into more manageable blocks. I also know that it’s more than ok to ask for help when you need it because often that is all any of us need in order to get off the roller coaster ride before it plummets downward at unimaginable speeds.

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

My Boy

He will probably kill me for posting this but what the hell, I’ve earned it; afterall I carried him for 9 mths and spent the first half of my pregnancy vomiting 10x a day and the latter half on bed rest with high blood pressure! Jacob sent me this message yesterday while in Germany for Oktoberfest and when I read the words that he wrote I became overwhelmed with emotion. Just reading his message and hearing him tell me how proud he was of me made my heart smile (and drunk or not, I’ll take it!). Knowing that I have made him proud reassures me that my kids understand that life is not always perfect, that failure is inevitable and that it’s all part of their journey. It made me see that even though there will be many challenges along the way, they can still face them with gratitude and keep going, that it’s okay to let others see their imperfections, and most of all that showing kindness or giving a compliment will go a very long way!

My Love

I want to share Rich’s heartfelt words he spoke the other night at my book launch with you. He is the strongest human being I know. He defines the true meaning of unconditional love and what a husband and father should be. I love you to the moon and back forever and a day! #endthestigmatogether #youareenough #kindness #noshame #courage #itsoktonotbeok #truelove #unconditional #family #dad #husband #summerofrich

Good Evening

As most of you know I am by no means the writer in our home and my press secretary has been busy working on her own speech all week, so here goes nothing!!
I first met Kim when she was just 18 years young and she began working at the video store I was managing in Thornhill. She caught my eye right away but unfortunately there were MANY challenges standing in our way. Besides the fact that she had a boyfriend at the time and I was busy fending off some lovestruck sociopath, I was now her boss as well, but those didn’t even come close to the biggest challenge we were facing. Ya see, I was close to 9 years older than her (8 years, 7 months and 16 days to be exact). And now that I have 2 daughters of my own who are in and around that same age I can TOTALLY see that challenge from a very different perspective!
But with a combination of male ego, unyielding determination, mixed in with a spoonful of testosterone sometimes you just have to say Screw It and ignore what the haters may think or say and just go for it! By now Kim was just shy of her 20th birthday and had this been in some medievel time she would have likely been considered an old maid already so I saw this as my golden opportunity. But I am still waiting for that dowry!
We recently celebrated 24 years of marriage this past spring and have 3 beautiful kids to show for it, one of whom is busy drinking his way through Europe with some friends as I speak. And like in every marriage or as every parent can attest to there will always be challenging times along the journey which for us surfaced 5 and a half years ago when Kim first took ill.
I have known Kim now for 30 years and have watched her grow and change in so many ways but one thing that has never changed in all the years I have known her is that she has the kindest heart, and she has so much determination and so much will. I know that Kim no longer sees these incredible attributes within herself because of what depression has taken from her but lucky for her there are so many people in her life who love her enough to ensure that she can see what an incredible person she truly is.
I am so proud of you Kim. Jacob, Hannah and Rachel are so damn proud of you too. You may not see what we all see in you but I will keep reminding you of it every single day for the rest of our lives. You may not see that what you do for so many people by writing your blog and opening up to the world about what it truly feels like to battle with major (and treatment resistant) depression and SEVERE anxiety and panic every single day. You may not see how your vulnerability and honesty has helped so many others feel less alone and you may still not be able to call yourself an author and believe it to be true but you are an author, I mean City TV interviewed you for the six o’clock news last night if that isn’t proof enough! But you know why you are an author…because you had a vision, because you have such a creative soul, because you are so kindhearted and because you have such an unyielding determination and innate will to help others. You have accomplished more than so many others because of all that. You have made your dream come true even through the darkest days of your life. You have found your purpose.
Look around the room tonight Kim and see all the love surrounding you, they aren’t just here for the free food and drinks! They are here to celebrate you!
Jacob Hannah Rachel and we can’t forget Maggie (our dog) and I love you to the moon and back! And now without further ado…let me introduce to you, my beautiful wife and best friend.. children’s author Kim Fluxgold!

My Book Launch

The last couple of days have been so surreal. I mean it’s not every day that a TV news reporter sends you a private message on Facebook asking if they can come to your home in an hour to do an interview with you for the 5 o’clock news (and it’s already 2 pm) and it’s not every day that you get to celebrate the “Launch” of your recently published children’s book. But now I can actually say I’ve done both and last night I was surrounded by so many amazing friends (new and old) and family which was graciously hosted by two of the most incredible human beings I know who opened up both their hearts and their home to host this fabulous party and I am just so damn lucky to call them my friends. And looking around the room last night and seeing just how many people came to support me and to celebrate me and my new book I know I am truly blessed. I feel like this has all just been one long dream and I’m afraid to wake from it because I still have so much left to do before then. I didn’t get a chance to take many pictures as I was too busy trying to be in the moment and soak it all in (and signing lots of books too!). Part of the proceeds of sales last night and from some other recent and upcoming events will be donated to CMHA, an organization I have spoken about many times. I am attaching my speech below that I read last night (it’s kinda like a blog!) as it captures the true essence of what last night meant to me along with what this book truly means to me and it turns out it was harder to write than any ole book or blog I could have ever written.

Good Evening Everyone,
I just want to start off tonight with a very special thank you to Jeff and Karen who are 2 of the most honorable, kindhearted and virtuous human beings I know (the true meaning of a mensch!), who selflessly give so much of themselves to others and continue by doing so tonight having opened up both their hearts and their home this evening to celebrate me and my new book. I am forever grateful and beyond blessed to know you both and having your friendship and support means the world to me.
I’m just so overwhelmed with so many emotions right now (I know that doesn’t take much for me!). Over the last five and a half years I have been both blessed and honored with meeting so many new and wonderful people whom I now call friend, I have also been blessed and honored with becoming re-acquainted with so many old friends who quickly became new friends again and of course I have been so blessed and honored to have so many wonderful friends and family in my life who have come along with me on my journey since the beginning. And I am so blessed and honored that so many of you are here tonight to celebrate with me. It truly means so much.

Trust me, I know it hasn’t been easy at times but I’m so appreciative to have each and every one of you in my life. If I may quote Oprah here for a moment because well, she’s Oprah and she’s one of the wisest people I know (she’s no Dr. Phil, but still!) and every teachable moment is an opportunity for some new insight and growth! Oprah reminds us that “lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you really want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down!” And maybe one day I will be able to get back into that limo again but for now my pockets are overflowing with all the tokens I need, knowing just how many of you continue to ride that bus with me.

As most of you here tonight know, I started writing a blog almost 3 years ago chronicling my journey, being my true authentic self, speaking as openly and honestly as I can about my illness and about mental illness in general. I have had such an overwhelmingly positive response by so many people just by being so open, by being so honest and by being so vulnerable and I know it has helped many others to start important and necessary conversations, understand the many challenges and complexities surrounding mental illness and most of all it’s helped more people feel like they are not alone, that it’s okay to not be okay and that it’s more than okay to reach out for help.
Just the other night I received a private message on Facebook from a friend I probably haven’t seen nor spoken to in over 30 years except for the occasional like or comment on our Facebook pages. She told me how inspired she was by my blogs and by my recent book. She then proceeded to tell me about a relative of hers who has been battling with severe depression and the struggle to find proper treatment and hope. She asked me if I would be willing to talk with her relative and offer them some guidance and support. This is just one of many messages I receive on a very regular basis nowadays and it warms my heart knowing that she chose me to confide in and it reassures me that my words are reaching those who matter the most.

Since publishing my book “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” only a few weeks ago I have been asked quite frequently what my inspiration behind writing it was. Well I think I may have just answered that question a moment ago with that brief anecdote but of course you all played an important role as well in writing my book with every heartfelt word of comfort and support you send my way, encouraging me to keep telling my story. But what truly inspired me to write this book were my three children, Jacob, Hannah and Rachel because this is their story, this is our story and I needed to share it in hopes that it would help so many other children and families too.

The book is seen through the eyes of a young girl with her two siblings right by her side as their father helps them cope with their feelings and helps them to understand the difference between sadness and depression. And although my kids were in the throes of their teenage years already when I first became ill they were still just as confused and just as scared as any child would be trying to cope and understand an illness they cannot see. At times they have needed the same reassurance that a child of any age would, they have needed to know that they are safe, that they are loved and that they are in no way responsible for their mother’s illness.
They are the heart and soul of this book, they are my heart and soul and they are my 3 reasons why! They have been faced with many challenges and have encountered many difficult situations due to my illness and they are who inspire me each and every day to fight this disease to the end. I love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my babies you’ll be!
Becoming an author still feels so surreal to me and getting here hasn’t been easy. I’ve had plenty of sleepless nights (well those I’d probably have had anyways), I’ve shed many, many tears (well that’s a given!) I’ve driven Rich up a wall (well that’s a given too!) and I’ve wanted to give up more times than I can count but I didn’t and that’s because I was never alone, nor could I have ever done this alone. I just want to take a moment here before I promise to wrap this up to say an extra special thank you to some extra special people, some of whom I have finally gotten to meet for the very first time this evening.
Shirley, thank you for always going that extra mile for me and my family too, and for being one of my greatest cheerleaders and biggest supporters. You are truly one of a kind and I could not have been able to do this without you.
Lana, thank you for believing in my book and for placing it at the forefront of the amazing organization you work with. You made other’s believers too and I am forever grateful for the incredibly kind and generous gift I received from “Aunty Janis'” which has allowed me to take my book to exciting new heights.
To Shawna, I am beyond grateful to have found you. You took my vision and you brought my book to life. We did this together and I am so proud to have your name on the front cover alongside mine and to share this moment with you. I am so lucky to call you my friend.
And last but certainly not least, my partner in life, my best friend, my confidant. Rich, I don’t know where I’d be right now without you by my side every step of this journey. You have proven time and time again that love conquers all, that in sickness and in health we are in this together til death do us part. Your children are so damn lucky to have such an amazing role model to look toward when choosing their future spouse because as the saying goes “everyone needs a Rich!” and there ain’t nothing further from the truth!
Thank you all once again for being here to celebrate with me tonight and never forget that #youareenough!
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.